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Database of All UK Children Launched

Posted by timothy on from the can't-help-but-think-of-'em-now dept.

An anonymous reader writes "'A controversial database which holds the details of every child in England has now become available for childcare professionals to access. The government says it will enable more co-ordinated services for children and ensure none slips through the net. 390,000 people will have access to the database, but will have gone through stringent security training.'"

13 of 296 comments (clear)

  1. Pedobear by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

    Jackpot!

    (just a matter of when)

    1. Re:Pedobear by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

      mysql -u pedobear -p password -P 3306

      > SELECT * FROM underage_children ORDERBY date_of_birth DESC;

    2. Re:Pedobear by Mr.+Bad+Example · · Score: 4, Funny

      > SELECT * FROM underage_children ORDERBY date_of_birth DESC;

      Error: 1337 (PARTYVAN): Why don't you have a seat over there?

  2. Re:390,000? Yeah, right by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

    and that nasty lady on the front desk who's job is purely to be unhelpful

    Computer says noooooo...

  3. Obligatory quote by jmak · · Score: 5, Funny

    Melchett: Now, I've compiled a list of those with security clearance, have you got it Darling?

    Darling: Yes sir.

    Melchett: Read it please.

    Darling: It's top security sir, I think that's all the Captain needs to know.

    Melchett: Nonsense! Let's hear the list in full!

    Darling: Very well sir. "List of personnel cleared for mission Gainsborough, as dictated by General C. H. Melchett: You and me, Darling, obviously. Field Marshal Haig, Field Marshal Haig's wife, all Field Marshal Haig's wife's friends, their families, their families' servants, their families' servants' tennis partners, and some chap I bumped into the mess the other day called Bernard."

    Melchett: So, it's maximum security, is that clear?

    Blackadder: Quite so sir, only myself and the rest of the English speaking world is to know.

  4. Re:Och nooo! UK is not England! by Canazza · · Score: 4, Funny

    shhh, ya great jessie, ye'll gee the gam awa'

    --
    It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for being subtle.
  5. Simple solution ! name your child one of these: by assemblerex · · Score: 5, Funny

    Invalid entry
    Syntax error
    Test ignore
    Null value
    And my personal favorite:
    rm -rf

    1. Re:Simple solution ! name your child one of these: by Opportunist · · Score: 4, Funny

      If they allow special characters, mine would be named ;drop table *;

      --
      We used to have a Bill of Rights. Now, with the rights gone, all we have left is the bill.
  6. Re:not my children by laejoh · · Score: 5, Funny

    My son is called Little Bobby Tables :)

  7. TDIUWP by Anonymous Coward · · Score: 5, Funny

    This Database Is Useless Without Pictures.

  8. Re:will not prevent anything by montyzooooma · · Score: 4, Funny

    A database is worth little unless you implant a small tracking device in all you wish to track, and monitor constantly.

    Finally, someone offering a workable solution.

  9. Re:missing tag? by Hognoxious · · Score: 5, Funny

    Some drunken bureacrat left it in a taxi.

    --
    Confucius say, "Find worm in apple - bad. Find half a worm - worse."
  10. Re:missing tag? by xaxa · · Score: 4, Funny

    Some drunken bureacrat left it in a taxi.

    They left it on a train, but claimed the money for a taxi when they did their expenses.