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How the TSA Plans On Inspecting Your Monkey
The uncertainty of what might happen to your service monkey at an airport security checkpoint won't keep you awake at night anymore, thanks to the TSA. They have issued an easy to follow list of how they will ensure your helper monkey won't go all Planet of the Apes on your flight. Some of the security techniques used to make sure your primate is not a terrorist include: "Security Officers will conduct a visual inspection on the service monkey and will coach the handler on how to hold the monkey during the visual inspection. The inspection process may require that the handler to take off the monkey's diaper as part of the visual inspection."
Touch it! Touch the monkey!
There is actually 1.75 trillion dollar roll out of monkey-sized body scanners. When the project is finished, you will no longer be required to remove your animal's diaper, but technicians may laugh at your monkey's banana.
Will they spank my monkey if he misbehaves? Or will I need to do that myself?
I've abandoned my search for truth; now I'm just looking for some useful delusions.
I like all the sections that say "Security Officers have been trained to not _______". So you have a trained service monkey, and it has to meet up with a trained higher order primate at a checkpoint!
Of course, "higher order primate" might give a bit too much credit to the TSA goon squad, but they certainly are in fact trained animals. Sadly, like many monkeys, they do occasionally lift shiny objects from innocent bystanders....
I am the penguin that codes in the night.
I have been waiting YEARS to use that one.
You can teach a monkey to do a lot of useful things, except care that you don't want it to poop everywhere.
The enemies of Democracy are
...will the monkey blend ?
Religous speak to God. Insane are spoken to by God. When all shut up, one can finally hear Shostakovich in peace
The diaper serves as a handy carrying case for the monkey, in case they have to poo now, but won't have anyone nearby they want to fling it at until later. If your helper monkey has some sort of grudge against TSA agents, perhaps because of being treated as a terrorist just because it has hair on its face, it's highly recommended you change the monkey's diaper before going through security.
Does that mean TSA agents will eat ticks if they find any, and does your monkey have to return the inspection favor?
Slashdot's rate-of-post filter: Preventing you from posting too many great ideas at once.
Ahh yes. In old country, Monkey inspects You.
The full body scanners already accomplish this. They can even scan beavers and sweater-puppies, so I hear.
'We are trying to prove ourselves wrong as quickly as possible, because only in that way can we find progress.' RPF
and I suppose it goes without saying, don't feed them after midnight or it really gets scary?
I work for the Department of Redundancy Department.
Two in a row? With my last set if you were 5 minutes late for the first feeding they'd all be standing at the food bowl noses in the air and giving you despairing looks. I can't imagine the drama level at 2.
I still have more fans than freaks. WTF is wrong with you people?