Help Rename the Department of Homeland Security

Hugh Pickens writes "James Fallows writes tongue in cheek that U.S. Department of Fear, led by Secretary of Fear Malcolm P. Stag III, is running a poll. To what should we re-name the Department of Homeland Security? 'Possibilities include Department of ScaredyCatLand Security, reflecting the prevailing mentality of an era, and Department of Fatherland Security, to make us sound strong,' writes Fallows. 'There are many more to choose from, plus you can write in your own nominees. But act now, because the polls close Tuesday.'"

Comments

Gender of countries

[nepka]

Department of Fatherland Security

I've always been wondering about this, and this line reminds me about it again. Why do countries have genders? Not every country is a man either - for example Russia, China and my country all view it as motherland. On the other hand, according to this, US and then several other countries view it as fatherland. Why?

Re:Gender of countries

[Anne_Nonymous]

The US has Florida, so it's male.

Re:Gender of countries

[dintech]

I think Ministry of Peace would also be appropriate.

Re:Gender of countries

[syntheticmemory]

I think of DHS as standing for The Department of Hysterics and Suspicion.

Re:Gender of countries

[Evtim]

No, I think Ministry of Love is the best choice...

Re:Gender of countries

[fusiongyro]

I don't think we see it as a fatherland. I'm not sure we ascribe a gender to it. We do have a female icon ("Columbia") but I don't think we refer to it as a motherland either.

Re:Gender of countries

[sconeu]

Italy makes it clear that Europa is female. It's clearly a woman's boot.

Re:Gender of countries

[ArsenneLupin]

Italy makes it clear that Europa is female. It's clearly a woman's boot.

Never seen a cross-dresser?

Or do you think that Sweden and Finland are just a strap-on? :-)

Re:Gender of countries

[Jeremiah Cornelius]

Well, it makes Los Angeles the arse. San Diego is the perineum, always smeared with the fecal detrius of it's neighbor.

San Francisco is the sensitive small-of-the-back...

Department of

[Moheeheeko]

Wasting Taxpayer Money to oppress law abiding citizens

I have it

[toxickitty]

Department of Unnecessary Services, I think it sums them up quite well.

SHIELD

[DinDaddy]

Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division

Re:SHIELD

[dintech]

Cover Us from New Threatening Situations
Department Of Upholding Contravallations against Hostile External Societies

Department of Security Theater

[Anonymous Coward]

Seems like the obvious choice.

Re:Department of Security Theater

[richardkelleher]

This is my favorite

Gestapo

[cgfsd]

Gestapo Much easier to say, and the groups seem to be getting more and more similar each day.

Re:Gestapo

[SloWave]

Back when Bush was still in charge I came up with...

George's Electronic Security Transportation and Papers Organization

Nod to B5

[sstamps]

I always thought the "Ministry of Truth" had a nice uber-authoritarian ring to it.

Unfortunately, we don't use "Ministry" in our governmental body names, so it would have to be "Department of Truth" or maybe "Department of Truthiness".

Also could bookend the Department of Justice with the Department of the American Way.

Ministry of Peace.

[Bovius]

We already have a more appropriate name prepared for it.

I like acting

[kiehlster]

National Security Theatre Company. André de Lorde would be proud.

Re:I like acting

[0123456]

OK, here's the problem.

I know my kid is not carrying weapons or explosives. I don't need some Goverment Groper to feel them up to tell me that.

There is practically a zero chance that any child (or adult, for that matter) is a terrorist, and they all know whether they're terrorists, so Government Gropers just piss off the 99.9999999% who aren't.

Closed

[Anonymous Coward]

How about "Closed"?

As a person whose uncle was sent to Siberia...

[gestalt_n_pepper]

I say we just be honest and call it "KGB-lite". Gestapo has too many letters and STASI just sounds too unpleasant.
Of course, over time, it will outgrow the "lite" part of the name. They all do.

In the red.

[koan]

How about "Dept of 500 Billion Dollars Wasted"
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/09/september-11-homeland-security-spending_n_953288.html

Seriously folks how hard would it be to get SAM's in the country when cartels brings tons of coke and dope over the border? How hard would it be to sit at the end of a runway and use a .50 incendiary round through the fuel tank of a plane about to lift off?

Hard shot? These anti-material rifles can shoot humans from 1.5 miles away.

Why hasn't it happened then? Because there is no terrorist threat.

Clearly we wasted our tax money on these incompetents, unless you like getting molested at the TSA check point (coming to a mall near you soon).

Re:In the red.

[koan]

Well rather than commenting to me you should do the research, the fact is military around the World use the .50 for exactly that, and why does it have to explodes all at once?
If a plane is lifting off it's going to fast to stop, if its wing fuel tank is shot with an incendiary round it is now a flaming plane taking off...what are you going to do at that point? Turn around?

Re:In the red.

[Joce640k]

Why hasn't it happened then? Because there is no terrorist threat.

This. Times a million.

If terrorists wanted to attack the USA there's nothing stopping them. Everything they need can be bought inside US borders and there's no shortage of targets to choose from.

The TSA is a magic tiger-scaring stone. A very, very expensive tiger scaring stone. Not just in the money sense but in the freedom sense and the inalienable rights sense.

Re:In the red.

[dgatwood]

The TSA is a magic tiger-scaring stone. A very, very expensive tiger scaring stone. Not just in the money sense but in the freedom sense and the inalienable rights sense.

One might also argue that the TSA is doing exactly what it was designed to do. By making all but the richest Americans (the ones who can afford private jets) go through these searches, they are gradually wearing down the public, conditioning them to accept regular intrusive searches and limitations on travel. This was one of the first things the Nazis did, too. It makes it harder for the peons to rise up and overthrow the government after they start doing the really bad stuff.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that sort of thinking is happening (at least consciously) in the halls of Congress. What I'm saying is that the purpose for those freedoms that the DHS is pissing all over is precisely to minimize the chances of the really bad stuff happening later. As Thomas Jefferson put it, "A government afraid of its citizens is a Democracy. Citizens afraid of government is tyranny!"

The more we tear down those freedoms, the closer we come to being another autocratic or oligarchic hellhole instead of a democracy. It is precisely for that reason that every true, patriotic American has a duty to defend the Constitution against these attacks in whatever way he or she can, and to resist any government actions that go against its spirit to the maximum extent allowable by law and, if need be, with acts of peaceful civil disobedience that are not allowable by law as well.

God bless the USA.

Inter-dimensional Secret Security Service

[PolygamousRanchKid]

What about security threats that exist in dimensions prophesied by String Theory? These areas cannot ignored, or death shall await us, for sure, from dimension N + 1 . . . with huge pointy teeth . . .

Department of Steven Colbert

[grilled-cheese]

Department of Steven Colbert.

KK

[PPH]

The Keystone Kops.

DIRT

[MadCow42]

Department of Rights Termination.

The Nightwatch

[DoofusOfDeath]

Babylon 5 reference.

BTW, if you like sci-fi and haven't watched B5, you're missing a pretty good story.

Re:The Nightwatch

[Anonymous Coward]

You know what would have made it a better story? More moral ambiguity. You've got the next Gestapo forming but they're also reasonably effective at protecting people from a menacing threat

Apparently it makes for a more realistic story, though, since we've got effectively the same kind of thing occurring here without that "reasonably effective" sugar coating.

Re:The Nightwatch

[Anonymous Coward]

It is actually pretty scary how Babylon 5 predicted the DHS. In fact, the DHS basically is very, very much like the Nightwatch was shown. Reduce the Stasi-like use of "Informal Agents", but apart from that, you really have it.

B5 ran 93 to 98, it only took half a decade where this horror-ministry was actually put into action.

(The author added the armbands on purpose so every stupid idiot would what the Nightwatch was about. DHS should probably start getting some... might I suggest the colours red, white and black?)

Miniluv, Ministry of Love

[cpghost]

There's only one reasonable name for it: Miniluv.

FUD

[DarkOx]

I think they should call it the "The F.U.D" and have a multiple accepted expansions for the acronym.

Fear and Uncertainty Department
Fundamentally Unnecessary Department
Federal Unchecked Discretion
F**ked Up Department ...

James Fallows, consistently late

[Stirling Newberry]

The time to on about this was a decade ago when the DoHs was created. However, that's James Fallows. I remember clearly his 1987 series of articles on how the Japanese model of national economics was poised to overwhelm Anglo-Capitalism, and his weak questioning of the Iraq War in 2003, after the decision to go to war had already been made.

The Department of Homeland Security is a mess, mind you, but that's as much implementation as anything else, it's designed to make it possible for Congress to monitor the security pork better, which had previously been scattered through the Federal Government, and therefore had no single cabinet secretary that could be brought in to testify and question, and no single budget bill to cut deals over. The problem is not the department, as much as it is that the United States has a pervasive fear in its population. For example, take a look at this gallup poll trend over the years on perceptions of crime: http://www.gallup.com/poll/150464/Americans-Believe-Crime-Worsening.aspx and then compare it to actual violent crime rates. Americans by a large margin believe that crime is getting worse, when, in fact, violent crime is going down. Note that the graph strongly corresponds to rhetoric on crime, and to personal economic, as opposed to physical, insecurity.

It does not matter what the department is called, as long as Americans vastly over-rate the chances of dying in criminal or terrorist attacks, particularly in crimes committed by strangers or foreigners, as opposed to the far more likely case of being killed by someone they know. Statistically speaking, suicide is more common that homicide, and among homicide categories, being killed by a current or former romantic partner outweighs all other categories. But that's not what DoHs monitors by and large. Instead looked at in an unbiased fashion, for example this post at Reason magazine, http://reason.com/archives/2006/08/11/dont-be-terrorized terrorism is a lower risk that we run going out to drive, or consuming ordinary products.

I propose

[pak9rabid]

In the true spirit of America, I propose a backcronym:

RETARDED: REdundant Treasonous Americans Raping Democracy Every Day

Rename?

[mcgrew]

I'd rename it to "the now defunct, disbanded Department of Homeland Security". The military is supposed to secure our borders, and in my mind "security" doesn't mean being secure against tornados and earthquakes. FEMA should exist, DHS should not.

Re:Rename?

[stiggle]

Have a squiggle logo and call it "The Department formerly known as Homeland Security".

OK, so Prince (or whatever he's calling himself these days) might complain

The National Guard

[Khomar]

We have had an organization charged with the defense of our nation for 370 years. How about we let them do their job rather than fight in overseas wars (and get rid of the expensive and excessive DHP)?

Rename the War on Terror

[Jah-Wren Ryel]

Let's rename the war on terror to be more accurate too ...

Virtual strip-searches, ball-fondling, never-ending but ineffectual id checks, forcing women to drink their own breast-milk, arbitrary rule enforcement, making everyone go bare-foot, singling-out people by the clothes they wear, forcing people to remove nipple rings with pliers, torturing injured flyers, making people piss on themselves, the list is practically endless.

And yet the TSA hasn't caught a single terrorist.

But they sure are doing a bang-up job of destroying human dignity. Therefore I say we rename the War on Terror to The War on Dignity.

Re:Here's one

[NeutronCowboy]

For anyone not familiar with this particular organization, shorten it to Stasi and think back to before the fall of the Berlin Wall. I like it.

Seriously

[optimism]

Top-level orgchart for DHS:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Homeland-security-orgchart-2008-07-17.png

Suggestions:

1) Put FEMA, plus the search & rescue part of the Coast Guard, under the Dept of Health and Human Services (HHS). Put the policing part of the Coast Guard under the DoD and/or Commerce.

2) Disband the TSA, and require private parties to control their own security. Let each airline specify their own security checks, to a regulated baseline. If you the consumer don't like the level of security, you can choose a different airline that makes you take off your shoes, or that asks you intelligent questions instead of stupidly frisking you, etc. Let the market decide.

3) Split the Secret Service into its separate functions under the Treasury (counterfeiting etc), President/VP (protection), and State (protection).

4) Put Customs under the Dept of Commerce.

5) Put Immigration under the Dept of State.

6) Send the higher bureaucracy of DHS to an isolated island in the south pacific, where it will implode within a matter of days under its own weight and paranoia.

7) Nothing is left to rename. Move along.

Department of Terrorism

[Opportunist]

Seriously. Let's look at the stats.

Damage done by terrorists vs. damage (cost) from DHS?

Damage to freedom by terrorists vs. damage from DHS?

Fear and uncertainty caused by terrorists vs. fear and uncertainty caused by DHS?

the only thing the terrorists are still leading at is "people killed". But we're working on that.

Re:Bloat

[Opportunist]

How about the "Department to hide rampart unemployment"?