Slashdot Mirror
Study: Online Dating Makes People "Picky" and "Unrealistic"
New submitter garthsundem writes with this tale of digital love: "A newly published meta-analysis of over 400 studies of online dating (PDF) shows both its popularity (second only to meeting through friends) and its impact. More online daters report seeking a 'soulmate' online, and do so by searching through the wealth of available profiles. Unfortunately soul-searchers focus on faults, both in viewing profiles and then also once dating in person, leading to quick exits when relationships inevitably get complicated."
That online dating has made the average man behave like the average woman.
... and both to behave like the typical adolescent.
b.g.
The ability to be picky with online dating is the whole point! You can put all of your cards on the table before ever even meeting someone. In this busybody world, people don't want to have to go through traditional dating, only to find out months into a relationship about some strong deal breaker like wanting kids. That's just a disappointing waste of time and people are starting to realize it.
If you're looking for someone to spend your life with, you damned well should be picky. For the record, I met my partner online many years ago on a niche dating site, so maybe I'm a little biased.
Why not be picky? Have you seen the stats for divorce lately? Anything is better if it helps people have good relationships instead settling for whatever came along when got fed up.
True love is unrealistic. That doesn't mean it's a bad goal.
I'm currently dating a wonderful girl I met online after many years of not finding anyone I would spend my life with. Had I not been 'picky' I could have settled for any number of other women that wouldn't make me happy. Why would I do that to myself?
"If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; But if you really make them think, they'll hate you." - DM
...it's television, movies, glamour magazines, and many other forms of "art" and "culture" that are very heavily pushed upon a market.
It's been my experience that many women that met the physical/appearance standards that are promoted to us were at minimum highly narcissistic, and at worst bat-shit-fucking-crazy. It took me awhile to understand this, and on a techie note, to understand how damaged the former-BBSer women of the early to mid nineties at the tail end of the craze were. Generally damaged, each and every one, and we're not talking scratch-and-dent here either.
People, the dating pool is the pool of people who like to do the same things that you like to do. If there are no eligible people in your social circles, then you need to expand your social circles somewhat. That doesn't mean doing masculine or effeminate things if you don't want to, but you have to do something that you like to do that those you seek also like to do.
In my case it was swing and ballroom dance. It worked so well that I married and MIT graduate.
Do not look into laser with remaining eye.
I think it has less to do with online dating and more to do with a sense of entitlement, period. People date online either because they're desperate or because they have unrealistic expectations to begin with, not the other way around.
And, I've said this before, most dating sites are scams. Match.com was busted for actually sending their employees on dates with clients, and all online dating sites are are chock-full of fake profiles generated by the staff and/or spammers who will throw a bone every now and then for the sake of realism.
I am considering performing an experiment - attempting online dating again, but this time inflating my salary. How long can I bullshit being an engineer, wearing my nicest clothes out for dates? Then, when I finally get 'er home to my studio apartment, I can say, "It shouldn't matter how much money I make, you goddamn gold-digger."
-- Ethanol-fueled
This is actually very insightful, female dating behavior was based to a large part on having an abundance of potential mates to choose from, they were essentially buyers, whereas men traditionally acted as sellers trying to impress women ( I know I'm oversimplifying). Now with online dating, the market has basically evened out somewhat for men as women are openly competing for mates, thus they have become more like sellers, allowing men to start behaving somewhat more like buyers.
#1) Women don't actually want to go out with you. What they want is a male "pen-pal". They want you to write long emails to them which they can read in Starbucks while sipping their lattes.
#2) Avoid any woman who's profile claims she isn't seeking anyone who plays games or has baggage. Because she's the one who's playing games and has baggage.
#3) Yes, yes, yes, we all love wine, good food, long walks on the beach. Tell me what's unique about you, not what makes you the same as everyone else!
#3) After more than a decade of online dating, I've decided I'm happier by myself anyhow. When I crave "companionship", there are services for that.
If telephones are outlawed, then only outlaws will have telephones.
Direct observation. Having sex early is often a sign of liking sex.
Easy sex != good sex. Believe it or not, there are a lot of women (and I assume men, though I wasn't searching for those) on dating sites who really are just looking for someone to hook up with. They aren't the ones with fake pictures. I'll go ahead and explain my methodology for online dating since so many people responded with "wtf I wish that's how it worked".
1) Contact everyone within 100 miles that you think might actually be worth talking to. You don't have to "love at first sight". Women on these sites get solicited *ALL THE TIME* so remember that you aren't unique and saying "Sup" isn't enough.
2) Talk to the girls with "real" pictures and profiles.
3) Be real to yourself. Stats say you aren't the top 5%. Don't expect the top 5% of females to find you attractive.
4) Text message. Don't keep that crap on the site. Them having to come to the site to read your emails means they are reading all those other solicitations as well.
5) Talk to single moms. These sites bread-and-butter is single parents who don't have time to go out. Deal with it. If you want to go to a free site you should at least entertain the idea that the people on it will have children.
6) Ask questions. Most people can't stand to leave a question unanswered. "Sup, you look pretty" won't get a reply. "Is that a doberman in that picture?" will.
7) Deal with the fact that these are real people. You aren't shopping in a magazine. Expect the average person on these sites to look like the average person in real life. The ones that are super hot in pictures are getting 500 emails a day.
...but not just in the original meaning.
We're ALL trained to find a mate of ultimate attractiveness/power. All the boys lust after the hot girls in high school, and all the girls like the adventurous/athletic/popular guys (all is an overstatement, but you get the idea). Somewhere in their 20's MOST girls re-arrange their expectations to marry someone who is good to them. The trick is being the first nice guy to come along after those expectations have been re-arranged. So, nice guys DO finish last... and when they finish that's one more girl off the market.
This creates the illusion that girls are not interested in nice guys, as they may date 20 assholes and one or two nice guys, but it's the one or two nice guys that they marry (and don't divorce a couple years later.... there are girls who marry the assholes and then become the single-divorced-30's women with baggage.)
That said, guys can be their own problem: There is NO shortage of women out there who would be more than happy to be with you. You probably just don't think they're attractive enough, so your own expectations are 50% of the problem.
You can't expect the girl who exercises, eats right, and puts resources into looking attractive to be interested in you if you're not doing the same things. So if you're not peak attractiveness, and you're not revamping your diet and popping in the P90X to bring up your physical appearance, time to dial down your own expectations to "normal looking people".
(As a handy side effect, getting rid of your rampant desire to associate with attractive women will also make you less creepy to attractive women.)
paintball
It is true after all, normal people don't need dating sites.
Why is this accepted blindly as a fact, when there's in fact no basis for it?
Where do "normal people" go to find people to date anyway? Maybe "normal people" just isn't supposed to include men who are in male-dominated professions like engineering. When I was in college, there were frequently zero women in my classes. After college, it was worse: not only were most of my coworkers male, but almost everyone (male and female) were already married. So where are you supposed to meet single women in that situation? Stumble across them at the grocery store? Meet friends of friends? That's not so easy when all your coworkers are married (married people don't socialize with single people as a general rule), and all your friends live 1000+ miles away because you moved to a new city for a job.
Every time I've brought this up, it seems like the standard answer is that you're supposed to meet your life partner at a bar or club while you're both completely drunk. No thanks.