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Michael Bay To Remake TMNT As Aliens
Nidi62 writes "We all know that Michael Bay loves to put 86 minutes of explosions into a 90-minute movie. But it appears that he has found a new way to screw up a movie. He is directing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot in which the turtles are not created with ooze: they are 'from an alien race, and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely loveable.' No word yet on whether he's consulting with George Lucas on how to totally destroy the origin and essence of a classic story."
Responding to criticism, Bay thoughtfully explained that fans need to "chill."
And I like turtles.
Everyone who paid to see Michael Bay's movie must pay extra 10% income tax.
Those who took their kids with'em need to be referred to child protection agencies.
Fuck systemd. Fuck Redhat. Fuck Soylent, too. Wait, scratch the last one.
Done!
Learning HOW to think is more important than learning WHAT to think.
The latest: Shredder's not a Japanese gang leader, but a kitchen merchandizing mogul. Baxter Stockman is played by Vince "with the Slap Chop" Offer. You're gonna love his nuts.
So... Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles? Unless they are proud warriors who have grown to full maturity, and its not a joyride to earth... Then its Adult Alien Ninja Turtles! But wait! If they are not mutated from turtles, then they are not turtles. So maybe Adult Alien Ninja Humanoid-Herpetolicoid Beings! But if they learned their martial arts on another planet, then its only Ninja-esq... So the new theme is
"Adult Alien Noble Martial Arts Weilding Humanoid-Herpetolicoid Beings,
Adult Alien Noble Martial Arts Weilding Humanoid-Herpetolicoid Beings,
Adult Alien Noble Martial Arts Weilding Humanoid-Herpetolicoid Beings,
Heroes in a Half Shell,
Alien power!
They're the world's most fearsome fighting team (From Another World!)
They're heroes in a half-shell and they're green (Hey - get a grip!)
When the evil Shredder attacks
These Aliens for some reason focusing on one small local crime lord when they have interplanetary travel don't cut him no slack!
(Refrain)
Just doesn't have the same ring as it used to...
I mean, FFS, it's in the goddamn name. It's like remaking Pirates of the Caribbean with Cowboys instead of Pirates.
I would go see Cowboys of the Caribbean.
"Computers will never truly be free until the last windows user is strangled with the entrails of the last mac user."
Set the whole thing in space and have them speak Chinese as a second language, and I think you might have a winner!
Any sufficiently unpopular but cohesive argument is indistinguishable from trolling.
Reply to self:
After some quick wikipedia, I realize that the cartoon I grew up loving in the late 80s was actually ripped from a comic book series I have never read. So I guess I prove my OP wrong. Some 12 year old kid could go see this movie, and it would forever represent the ninja turtles in their mind. Oh god, where is the art police when you need them?
Next up, Bay takes on Wizard of Oz remake:
"Flying monkeys with bombs. Lots of bombs. Wicked witch with machine gun on broom! Megan as Dorothy! Toto upgraded to pit bull. Shia LeBoeuf will ace it as the Tin Man with laser-eyeballs and missile-firing butthatch! Cowardly Lion now a Mexican political-asylum refugee who knows how to fight! The Straw Man now the Token Black Gay Teenage Computer Wizard in a wheelchair. With glasses. And braces. Eats HotPockets and Pepsi and Pringles while racing against time.
Old plot bad, new plot good. Secret Oz government lab accidently released virus that mutates Munchkins into slobbering zombie vampires. Only Dorothy can save them because her blood has radical new antibodies. Witch nearly kills her, but sex with the Tin Man revives her. New totally unexpected ending not involving explosions!"
Except they're not mutants, ninjas, OR turtles.
Somehow 'Teenage Alien Martial-Arts Turtleoid Lifeforms' just doesn't have that snap to it.
Understanding the scope of the problem is the first step on the path to true panic.
My Dinner With Andre. In 3-D.
I would go see Cowboys of the Caribbean.
<warning: disturbing mental image> Brokeback on the Seven Seas? </warning>
Live today, because you never know what tomorrow brings
"but now Megan Fox's ass has probably had 15 surgeries and looks like it's made of plastic, much like the rest of her. I'll pass."
She's obviously way below your standards, with her sharp knees and all. We can't all be lucky enough like you to have had Natalie Portman pour hot grits into our underwear.
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Everyone seems to be freaking out about this. But who cares? Anyone under 25 doesn't know what TMNT is and anyone over 25 doesn't give a shit, because it's fucking TMNT and we're fucking adults.
I'm the submitter, and I care. Coincidentally, I am 25 :)
The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for it to be pitted against a slightly greater evil
Problem is when Lucas became rich and famous he got rid of those that said 'That's a fucking stupid idea George" and replaced them with yes men and then you get The Phantom Menace.
* cue slow clap.
I think that was called Peter Pan.
"Who is the Journal of Quantum Physics going to believe?" --Stephen Hawking
OMG! Ponies!
Not far off, actually....
Space game using normal deck of cards: http://BattleCards.org
I'M SORRY ESCORT WAGON, but really this is slashdot. If you aren't interested in being upset by things that like this then you have no place here. I bet you don't even live your parents basement do you? The Irony being that Slashdoitters (spelled like that on purpose) are usually complaining that they should be able to do what they want with IP. I guess unless its Turtles or Star Wars.
OMG Ponies!!! with Glitter!!!! I miss Pink
Keep buying Apple products and we'll be there in no time.
You must not have watched many Michael Bay movies.
If you had, you'd understand that they don't just affect those watching, but have ripple effects that have been slowly eroding the fabric of space/time as we know it.
It gets worse as you get older, I enjoyed Bill and Ben the flower pot men when I was a kid in the 60's. Looking at it now I can only assume my parents were slipping LSD into my cornflakes.
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage? - Pink Floyd.
Good question. Arthur C. Clarke wrote 'any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic'. You're basically asking does 'any sufficiently alien being is indistinguishable from a teenage mutant ninja turtle' hold? Is TMNT only in the eye of the beholder?