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DoJ Wants Apple To Decrypt 12 More iPhones (macrumors.com)
tlhIngan writes: The Wall Street Journal (paywalled) is reporting that the Department of Justice is seeking Apple's help in decrypting 12 other iPhones that may contain crime-related evidence. The cases are not identified, though a list of the 12 phones in question has come out, but it is not known what level of Apple assistance is required (i.e., how many of those cases are waiting on the FBI request for special firmware to be developed and to be used on "one more phone"). It appears Tim Cook's assertion that hundreds of requests are waiting on this software may not be a fabrication, and the goal is not about just one phone, but to set a precedent to unlock more phones.
As TechDirt (which also lists those 12 cases, a list which certainly does not encompass all the phones the Feds would like to peer into) puts it, "[O]nce again, Director Comey was flat out lying when he claimed the FBI has no interest in setting a precedent."
DOJ is requesting remote backdoor capabilities to all phones so that they can browse for hot nudes at any time anywhere. They originally wanted it to stop terrorism, but then realized that every other thing they've done to try to stop terrorism seems to have failed miserably. The DOJ is happy to announce that this time their plans will be used 100% as expected, and will for sure have great success.
Tim was right: gov't wants to open Pandora's box.
Pandora's Box, whoa!! Slow down, pardner. We just want to investigate 12 phones! That's only 11 more than the 1 phone we claimed was The Only One That Needed to Be Unlocked.
I mean, when you really think about it, 11 is a pretty small number. You can't even get a dozen eggs with only 11 in there. Would you not crack a handful of eggs to Stop Terrorists From Killing Us All? They probably have sarin gas hidden under an orphanage, and that blood will be on Tim Cook's hands.
Oh, and we're gonna need to use this for a few CP stings, just the very worst of the worst, really only like 350 devices. What's 350? I mean, that's not even 10 minutes worth of seconds! Can we not spare a few minutes to Keep Your Children Safe? Being against decrypting these phones is basically like letting a predator live in your basement and eat your Goldfish crackers while you tell the cops you've never met him.
Right, and there's about 10,000 devices involved in drug crimes we'll be needing to do this for. Drugs are bad, and you don't want your kids being Forced at Gunpoint to Try Meth, right? It's not like it's *your* phone, it's a bunch of violent thugs who were born this way, like Lady Gaga.
There's no other way to stop a black market that we ourselves created than to step just a tiny tiny bit on civil liberties. Terrorists, pedophiles, and cartel assassins don't really *need* civil liberties that badly, do they? Maybe the extra civil liberties we're taking from them we'll give to you good people, like in a tax credit or something.
Look, while we're at it, Sony and UMG are telling us that lots of phones have pirated music and movie content. This is Probably Responsible for Kanye West Being $50 Million in Debt, and you don't want him to starve in the streets, do you?
We just want to use this court-sanctioned decryption process in a targeted, limited way to inspect every device that comes within 150 miles of a border or port of entry to the US. And any time someone is stopped or questioned by law enforcement. And at random checkpoints. But they'll have juice and cookies at the checkpoints! And shackles, but mostly snacks!
It's Kanye West fachrissakes! He's a musical genius, said it himself! And while we're looking for any unauthorized copies of any music, movie, or software, or evidence of participation or support of any act of piracy, we can *also* check for terrorism links, CP, drug use references, GPS data that would indicate a traffic violation, evidence of any past criminal activity, plans to stage disruptive protests, and other unamerican activities.
And just to pacify you civil liberties nuts, this means we won't have to target those other 10,362 people! Don't say we never did anything for you.
Pandora's Box... lord you anti-government nutters and your hyperbole!
Nothing posted to
so we wanted to provide the breaking news
Oh man you're going to ruin my relationship with my girlfriend. We had a good thing going here. I would sit in the study on the computer, she'd be in the living room on the TV. I'd read a slashdot article and start a sentence with "Hey did you hear...." to which the answer would always be "Yes that was in the news 2 days ago, stop reading slashdot"
I wish this was made up.