My fellow Americans, it has come to my attention that there has been a consummate public relationship between two consenting corporations, and that they are now seeking to disavow this unlawful, yet legally correct, union. We must stand up for the rights for every American to have a consummate relationship with whomever they choose, and however many they choose to have them with.
My fellow Americans. It has come to my attention that our beloved Tux, the symbol of all that is good and right in our fine nation, has been kidnapped. This is a tragedy for every American, and we must find those who have caused this grave injustice. My suspicions lie with it being Serbian President Slobodan Milosevic, who would like nothing more than to take away our fine American way of life.
It has come to pass, my fellow Americans, and we must put an end to this international tyrrany. Every American has the right to celebrate and worship our fine feathered friend, Tux the Penguin.
My fellow American, you are correct. I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight.
As you know, a few nights ago, I was seen producing large quantities of messages on Slashdot. Indeed, my actions were not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.
But I tell you and my fellow Americans today and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, hide, or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action.
I know that my public comments and lack of silence about this matter give a false impression. I spammed people, including even myself. I deeply regret that.
I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect Slashdot from the embarrassment of its own moderators.
I was also very concerned about protecting my family. The fact that these actions were taken in a politically-inspired move, which has since been terminated, was a consideration, too.
In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent spammer that began with shell scripts written 20 minutes ago, dealings I might add about which an independent federal agency did not find any evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago.
The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation is over, and I have no idea why I'm rambling on about it anymore.
This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent trolls.
Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most -- my penis^H^H^H^H^H^Hwife and our dildo^H^H^H^H^Hdaughter -- and our God. I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so.
Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours.
Even presidents have private lives and m4d ph4t c0ding sk1lls. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with our national life.
Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. That is all I can do.
Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time to move on. We have important work to do -- real opportunities to seize, real problems to solve, real bugs in the Linux kernel to patch. And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven days, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century.
My fellow Americans, we have a crisis on our hands. Microsoft is in allegiance with our treacherous enemies to the north, the villanous Canadians, who want to ruin life for every American. Their release of the source code presents a threat to our very way of life, and will undoubtedly destroy the porn^H^H^H^HInternet, a great source of porn^H^H^H^Hinformation and porn^H^H^H^Hentertainment for everyone.
My fellow Americans, should Microsoft release their source, we will have to take a pre-emptive strike against them, and remove them, along with all of the greater Seattle area, to Canada, so that we may save the way of life for every American.
The future is in your hands. Thank you, and God bless.
My fellow Americans, it is an honor and a privelege to speak regarding this momentous occasion. Only in America could a spirited cartoonist, fifteen minutes before needing to present a new concept, simply drew crude scribbles based on members of his own American family, and now, fifteen years later, it is soon to be hitting our American silver screens across this grand nation. Only in America could this concept, fueled by the unending labors of underpaid Korean animators, could this be the pop phenomenon fueling our way into the new millennium.
My fellow Americans, this is a momentous occasion indeed, and I wish the best of luck to our own Mr. Groenigs future.
And speaking of future, have you watched his other show, Futurama? It is a wonderful portrayal of our great nation's spirit and ingenuity for this millennium, and the millenniums to come.
Thanks to Mr. Groenig, we can keep our hope alive for the next two thousand years.
My fellow Americans, this kernel release marks a glorious occasion in our history. It is with great joy that I recognize the accomplishments of Mr. Torvalds; he is a fine, young man with a purpose... a purpose, in life. Only in America could a poor, disheveled Finnish refugee, with nothing but the shirt on his back and a dream, an American-inspired dream, come to our great nation and create what is probably the fastest-growing, most important new technology for the new millennium, the most important thing to ever be created for what are known as "computers," possibly since my vice president created the Internet.
My fellow Americans, please join me in congratulating Mr. Torvalds with his recent accomplishments. He is an inspiration to all.
Slashdot Mirror
Thank you, and God bless.
It has come to pass, my fellow Americans, and we must put an end to this international tyrrany. Every American has the right to celebrate and worship our fine feathered friend, Tux the Penguin.
Thank you, and God bless.
As you know, a few nights ago, I was seen producing large quantities of messages on Slashdot. Indeed, my actions were not appropriate. In fact, it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.
But I tell you and my fellow Americans today and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, hide, or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action.
I know that my public comments and lack of silence about this matter give a false impression. I spammed people, including even myself. I deeply regret that.
I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect Slashdot from the embarrassment of its own moderators.
I was also very concerned about protecting my family. The fact that these actions were taken in a politically-inspired move, which has since been terminated, was a consideration, too.
In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent spammer that began with shell scripts written 20 minutes ago, dealings I might add about which an independent federal agency did not find any evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago.
The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation is over, and I have no idea why I'm rambling on about it anymore.
This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent trolls.
Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most -- my penis^H^H^H^H^H^Hwife and our dildo^H^H^H^H^Hdaughter -- and our God. I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so.
Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours.
Even presidents have private lives and m4d ph4t c0ding sk1lls. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with our national life.
Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. That is all I can do.
Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time to move on. We have important work to do -- real opportunities to seize, real problems to solve, real bugs in the Linux kernel to patch. And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven days, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century.
Thank you for watching. And good night.
I did not have sex with that woman.
My fellow Americans, should Microsoft release their source, we will have to take a pre-emptive strike against them, and remove them, along with all of the greater Seattle area, to Canada, so that we may save the way of life for every American.
The future is in your hands. Thank you, and God bless.
My fellow Americans, this is a momentous occasion indeed, and I wish the best of luck to our own Mr. Groenigs future.
And speaking of future, have you watched his other show, Futurama? It is a wonderful portrayal of our great nation's spirit and ingenuity for this millennium, and the millenniums to come.
Thanks to Mr. Groenig, we can keep our hope alive for the next two thousand years.
Thank you, and God bless.
My fellow Americans, please join me in congratulating Mr. Torvalds with his recent accomplishments. He is an inspiration to all.
Thank you, and God bless.