Seattle company to allow money to be transmitted into the earth. SEATTLE Shoeboy Industries, a local high tech firm known for their extensive bong testing labs has developed a new technique to allow individuals to send money towards the center of the Earth. "Scientists have long speculated that there might be vast populations of intelligent beings living in a vast hollow cave within the earth's core." observered Shoeboy, founder and CEO of Shoeboy Industries, "Our process allows you to send money to these tunneling superbeings. We take your money and deposit it in my bank account. I then write a check to the underground men and deposit it as close to the earth's core as is possible with current technology." Little is known about the exact method Shoeboy uses to send these checks, but many industry insiders have speculated that it involves a highly specialized tool known as a 'shovel.' Such a tool could be purchased at the 'Tweedy and Pop' hardware store down the street from Shoeboy's apartment, but until know, industry analysts have considered the $14.95 price tag too high for a small firm like Shoeboy Industries. When questioned, Shoeboy revealed that his firm had recieved extensive backing from a prominent venture capital firm. "We used the words 'Internet' and 'e-commerce' in the same sentence and these dudes dropped 20 million on the table." reported Shoeboy. "We were all like, whoa dude think of all the twinkies we could buy." When asked if he thought that people would pay money to send a message to recipients whose very existence is a remote theoretical possibility Shoeboy replied "well, there's a whole mess of gullible idiots out there on the web." --Shoeboy
Why not Hitler? WWII was _the_ most significant political event of this century. That puts all the major leaders - FDR, Churchill, Stalin and yes, Hitler in the running for most historically significant figure of the century. Not the most admirable perhaps, but definitely one of the most significant. I voted for Gandhi myself, but the case for Hitler is pretty strong. He's a bit unlikely to disappear from the annals of history. --Shoeboy
Come one, come all watch the greatest show on earth: adult models trying to run an internet startup... Thrill as they begins to subsist entirely on pop-tarts and Mountain Dew... Wank as they attempt to work around their clueless PM... Cheer as they start sleeping in their cubes... Drool as they try to justify hardware upgrades to management... Gaze awestruck as they take up chain smoking... Lose interest when they start to look like your coworkers.
SGI Continues Aggressive Nose-Dive Despite Linux Market
MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif., Aug. 2/PRNewswire/ -- In a desperate attemp to stop its aggressive drive into bankruptcy, SGI (NYSE: SGI) leapt upon the Linux bandwagon today with both feet. SGI announced the immediate availability of its new Intel® processor-based SGI 1400L server. The server is a standard SMP Intel box preloaded with the Red Hat® Linux® 6.0. SGI holds to the somewhat irrational hope that customers will see this as being somehow different from a Compaq Proliant, IBM NetFinity, HP NetServer or Dell PowerEdge server running Red Hat Linux.
"The SGI 1400L server running SGI Linux Environment allows us to use the words 'paradigm', 'synergy', 'open source', 'high availability', 'data warehousing', 'win-win', 'proactive', 'scalable', 'total cost of ownership' and 'reliability' in the same sales brochure," said Jan Silverman, vice president of marketing, Computer Systems Business Unit, SGI. "Our marketing division is very happy about this and they hope to add the phrases 'price performance' and 'enterprise computing' before they're finished."
Like almost every other Intel based server in existence, the SGI 1400L ships with one to four 500 MHz Pentium® III Xeon(TM) processors with a selection of 512KB, 1MB or 2MB of secondary cache, up to 4GB of memory, seven PCI slots, six Ultra2 SCSI hot swap drive bays and redundant power supplies. The SGI 1400L is available in rack-mount or even a desktop configuration for those customers with specially reinforced desks.
"e-commerce, internet, web-centric, intranet!" blurted an SGI marketer unable to contain herself, "collaboration, messaging, network video streaming, proxy serving, security serving, scientific analysis, customization, reliability and did I mention e-commerce?"
"With the introduction of this Linux OS -- based server, SGI is also able to address more customer needs such as those of us who are too damn poor to afford proprietary Unixes and non-Intel chips," noted Shoeboy, a researcher investigating the impact of cannabis consumption on his code quality, "got any Fritos?"
SGI is committed to not going bankrupt and collapsing like a house of cards, and industry analysts have noted that this line of Linux servers appears to be their last hope.
NOTE: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to companies living or in the case of SGI, nearly dead is purely coincidental.
I have a perfectly good reason for perusing the personal ads. I'm doing a study on why 90% of the people in personal ads describe their perfect evening as 'Moonlit walks on the beach' despite the fact that their ideal evening consists of watching rental movies. This is serious scientific research. The idea that I read the personals in the hope that I'll find an ad along the lines of: "SWF 25 - perfect feet, seeking pale, unhygenic, poorly hung geek with sloppy coding practices for foot worship and other podophiliac amusements." is absurd. Really. I mean it. Would I lie? --Shoeboy P.S. Before anyone calls the cops, note that I said podophile not pedophile. There's a big difference.
a picture is worth a thousand words, and a gesture is worth a million. By itself, your post is meaningless, but by posting this message twice with different line breaks you show a degree of lameness (is that a word?) that mere words are not sufficient to describe. I'm not sure if you are really lame, or if you are a poetic genius of unprecidented brilliance. I'm sorry that this is totally offtopic, but this little pair of posts aroused such a degree of pity in my breast that I had to comment. It was pure poetry. --Shoeboy
I refused to believe the palm-as-fetish thing at first, but then I noticed the following 2 items in the Seattle Weekly personal ads -
Case 1 Men Seeking Men: GWM 35 fit, attractive seeks same for vigorous palm action.
Case 2 Men Seeking Women: SWM, College student - 24 Tired of staying home on friday nights having sex with my palm. Looking for older woman for cheap meaningless fling.
Man, you have got to start submitting these to segfault or something. These fake new stories are consistently high quality. It's a shame we have to surf the comments in order to see these. --Shoeboy
Tech Support: Thank you for calling, how may I help you? Customer: Yeah, this computer you sold me is crap. TS: What seems to be the problem? C: The cupholder is too @#$% small. What do you think I am, a #$%^ midget. How am I supposed to fit a Grande Tiazzi on one of these? Are you stupid or something?
If anyone wants to visit an enviroment with oily pools, methane rain and clouds of amonia, just swing by my apartment. I haven't cleaned my bathroom in ages. --Shoeboy
37 b.c. Roman General Semper Cuni Linctus develops Squirtus Maximus, an ox bladder filled with water, that is operated by a legionaire jumping up and down on top of it. The device is used to dampen the resistence of the Gauls in what is now Southern France.
800 a.d. Danish barbarian modify the Squirtus by adding a nozzle. The weapon is used by chieftan Unferth the Hairy during his invasion of Ireland. Marks the first and last time in history that an Irishman is known to have showered.
1200 a.d. Improved squirtgun consisting of a large water reservoir and a modified billows is used by Islamic forces attempting to lift the crusader siege of Acre. Entire christian army is rusted solid and subsequently slaughtered.
1345 a.d. Rebelious Flemish peasants route a French army by using water filled gourds that smash on impact. Considered by historians to be the first appearance of the water balloon.
1356 a.d. Pope Pius IX bans the use of water based weaponry in a papal edict arguing that it is a "mockery of god who has dominion over the waters of the earth."
1803 a.d. Steel tubes with a nozzle on one end and a piston on the other are used by Portugese guerillas to expel fluids in the general direction of french occupation forces. Weapons are prone to rust and less than effective against muskets.
1939 a.d. Rust proof stainless steel squirt guns used by Nazi forces occupying Norway. The weapon is found to be non-functional during the norwegian winters.
1958 a.d. Soviet scientists develop first plastic squirt gun. Eisenhower warns nation of a "squirt gap" School children accross the country engage in squirting drills where they crawl under their desks and cover their heads.
1959 a.d. U.S. scientist in the secret "Vaudeville Project" develop the squirting flower.
1983 a.d. President reagan accused off selling squirt guns to Iran in exchange for freedom of US hostages.
1999 a.d. Timeline joke has grown stale. Shoeboy decides to stop and submit his post.
Our industry is just too easy to make those kind of jokes. Yet another reason why computers should be abandoned - yea verily the modems should be beaten into plowshares. Okay, so beating on a modem turns it into cracked plastic, but you see my point. Lame computer related pickup lines are proof of the degeneration of this industry. Could you imagine Alan Turing saying "Hey baby can I scan your ports?" Well maybe you can, but not to a woman at any rate. --Shoeboy
The world belongs to those who can shuttle between websites with the ease of a speeding gazelle. I have in my hand $126.37 USD. I will give it to anyone who can show me a gazelle capable of surfing the web - even web-tv will count. I'll make that an even grand if you can get the gazelle to surf while loaded on meth as the article specifies. --Shoeboy
Wonder what they're doing to make 4-proc efficient? 8-proc? Good question. The file system and networking improvements are supposed to allow Linux to scale into that range, but that's only a best guess. I've never seen or heard of anyone demonstrating resonably good >4-way scalability on an intel platform with any operating system. (NUMA machines don't count) Last time I checked, NT couldn't scale past 4procs worth a damn either. What's SGI smoking. Whatever it is, Compaq and a few others must be smoking it too since they're planning 8way xeons as well. 8way K-6 would be a much better value proposition since the EV-6 architecture can scale to 14procs with reasonable performance. --Shoeboy
So you're saying that hollywood has lied to me? I refuse to believe it. How could popular entertainment fail to be a completely accurate guide to matters scientific? --Shoeboy
Do less work? Ha. Not for nothing have I studied the works of B.F. Skinner - with a proper set of conditioning tools I can make anyone work like a champ. Lest you think this is an idle boast, I used to work for Kathy Lee Gifford - "encouraging" the Honduran schoolchildren that made her line of Wal-Mart clothing. I also did some consulting work for Nike in Indonesia. I was the one who suggested replacing the whips with high voltage cattle prods. I guarantee you that I can get a friendless, disoriented, barely fluent russian peasant woman to outwork any robot on earth - even the one on the 'Jetsons' --Shoeboy
No, there's no guarantee. But if the robot butlers do take over, I intend to reprogram one and send one back through time and have it kill the inventor while he's still a child. While I'm at it, I intend to send my best friend back so that he can become my father. --shoeboy
If my employer restricted my ability to visit www.footfetish.com, it wouldn't really make a difference to me (although they wouldn't have to steam clean the carpet as often.) This is trivial. Now if they blocked slashdot, productivity here would go through the roof! Of course we'd all quit after a couple of weeks, but we'd be able to get a lot more work done in those 2 weeks. This only applies to the techies, but if you replace slashdot with ebay or investor.msn.com it would apply to the sales and marketing department as well. Why don't we see blocking software that filters out popular time wasting sites? --Shoeboy
The problem with slashdot style peer review is that is might lead to slashdot style posts, I can see it now: Today on the Quantum Physics Review - Harvard professor Robert Gregors posted an article detailing a simple method of producing measurable quantities of strang quarks. Dr. Vanesh Purgabedi of Princeton responded with 'FIRST POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' This was promply moderated down to -1. A physicist calling himself 'Lord Voltron' observed that 'RED HAT SUCKS!!! I hate them.' This was moderated to a 3 for 'Insightful' MIT graduate student Allen Andrews observered that the energy requirements of Gregors' method would render it impractical for event the most well funded institutions. He was then accused by several 'Anonymous Particles' of beeing an 'AzzL1ck1ng M$ Wh0r3.' and moderated to -1 for being flamebait. --Shoeboy
eRaid = eStupid eMarketing (lame comment)
on
IBM Buying Mylex
·
· Score: 2
Send this to the marketing director: Dear Sir, I've noticed that you have been appending vowels to the beginning of a lot of words that don't strictly need said prefixes. I can only assume that you are a-Moron. e-Nough allready. i-Can't take it anymore. o-Nly brain damage can explain this. I doubt u-Bastards reallize how irritating this has become. y-MustYouDoThis? --Shoeboy
Wow, for a while there I was concerned about the problem you expressed in the subject line. Fortunately your cogent, tightly reasoned arguements have convinced me that my fears are groundless. --Shoeboy
Slashdot Mirror
but until know
This should read "but until _NOW_"
Sorry.
Yes, I am an idiot.
--Shoeboy
Seattle company to allow money to be transmitted into the earth.
SEATTLE Shoeboy Industries, a local high tech firm known for their extensive bong testing labs has developed a new technique to allow individuals to send money towards the center of the Earth.
"Scientists have long speculated that there might be vast populations of intelligent beings living in a vast hollow cave within the earth's core." observered Shoeboy, founder and CEO of Shoeboy Industries, "Our process allows you to send money to these tunneling superbeings. We take your money and deposit it in my bank account. I then write a check to the underground men and deposit it as close to the earth's core as is possible with current technology."
Little is known about the exact method Shoeboy uses to send these checks, but many industry insiders have speculated that it involves a highly specialized tool known as a 'shovel.' Such a tool could be purchased at the 'Tweedy and Pop' hardware store down the street from Shoeboy's apartment, but until know, industry analysts have considered the $14.95 price tag too high for a small firm like Shoeboy Industries.
When questioned, Shoeboy revealed that his firm had recieved extensive backing from a prominent venture capital firm. "We used the words 'Internet' and 'e-commerce' in the same sentence and these dudes dropped 20 million on the table." reported Shoeboy. "We were all like, whoa dude think of all the twinkies we could buy."
When asked if he thought that people would pay money to send a message to recipients whose very existence is a remote theoretical possibility Shoeboy replied "well, there's a whole mess of gullible idiots out there on the web."
--Shoeboy
Why not Hitler? WWII was _the_ most significant political event of this century. That puts all the major leaders - FDR, Churchill, Stalin and yes, Hitler in the running for most historically significant figure of the century. Not the most admirable perhaps, but definitely one of the most significant. I voted for Gandhi myself, but the case for Hitler is pretty strong. He's a bit unlikely to disappear from the annals of history.
--Shoeboy
Database Administrator wanted for exciting opportunity with hot new internet startup.
www.thirty-days.com seeks talented, unihibited, young, attractive, female DBA to join our team.
The ideal canidate for this job will have at least 3 years experience in the following:
Duties will include:
Benefits include:
Salary dependent on experience, breast size.
Don't wait, join today!
--Shoeboy
Come one, come all watch the greatest show on earth: adult models trying to run an internet startup... Thrill as they begins to subsist entirely on pop-tarts and Mountain Dew... Wank as they attempt to work around their clueless PM... Cheer as they start sleeping in their cubes... Drool as they try to justify hardware upgrades to management... Gaze awestruck as they take up chain smoking... Lose interest when they start to look like your coworkers.
--Shoeboy
SGI Continues Aggressive Nose-Dive Despite Linux Market
/PRNewswire/ -- In a desperate attemp to stop its aggressive drive into bankruptcy, SGI (NYSE: SGI) leapt upon the Linux bandwagon today with both feet. SGI announced the immediate availability of its new Intel® processor-based SGI 1400L server. The server is a standard SMP Intel box preloaded with the Red Hat® Linux® 6.0. SGI holds to the somewhat irrational hope that customers will see this as being somehow different from a Compaq Proliant, IBM NetFinity, HP NetServer or Dell PowerEdge server running Red Hat Linux.
MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif., Aug. 2
"The SGI 1400L server running SGI Linux Environment allows us to use the words 'paradigm', 'synergy', 'open source', 'high availability', 'data warehousing', 'win-win', 'proactive', 'scalable', 'total cost of ownership' and 'reliability' in the same sales brochure," said Jan Silverman, vice president of marketing, Computer Systems Business Unit, SGI. "Our marketing division is very happy about this and they hope to add the phrases 'price performance' and 'enterprise computing' before they're finished."
Like almost every other Intel based server in existence, the SGI 1400L ships with one to four 500 MHz Pentium® III Xeon(TM) processors with a selection of 512KB, 1MB or 2MB of secondary cache, up to 4GB of memory, seven PCI slots, six Ultra2 SCSI hot swap drive bays and redundant power supplies. The SGI 1400L is available in rack-mount or even a desktop configuration for those customers with specially reinforced desks.
"e-commerce, internet, web-centric, intranet!" blurted an SGI marketer unable to contain herself, "collaboration, messaging, network video streaming, proxy serving, security serving, scientific analysis, customization, reliability and did I mention e-commerce?"
"With the introduction of this Linux OS -- based server, SGI is also able to address more customer needs such as those of us who are too damn poor to afford proprietary Unixes and non-Intel chips," noted Shoeboy, a researcher investigating the impact of cannabis consumption on his code quality, "got any Fritos?"
SGI is committed to not going bankrupt and collapsing like a house of cards, and industry analysts have noted that this line of Linux servers appears to be their last hope.
NOTE: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to companies living or in the case of SGI, nearly dead is purely coincidental.
--Shoeboy
I have a perfectly good reason for perusing the personal ads. I'm doing a study on why 90% of the people in personal ads describe their perfect evening as 'Moonlit walks on the beach' despite the fact that their ideal evening consists of watching rental movies. This is serious scientific research. The idea that I read the personals in the hope that I'll find an ad along the lines of: "SWF 25 - perfect feet, seeking pale, unhygenic, poorly hung geek with sloppy coding practices for foot worship and other podophiliac amusements." is absurd. Really. I mean it. Would I lie?
--Shoeboy
P.S. Before anyone calls the cops, note that I said podophile not pedophile. There's a big difference.
a picture is worth a thousand words, and a gesture is worth a million. By itself, your post is meaningless, but by posting this message twice with different line breaks you show a degree of lameness (is that a word?) that mere words are not sufficient to describe. I'm not sure if you are really lame, or if you are a poetic genius of unprecidented brilliance. I'm sorry that this is totally offtopic, but this little pair of posts aroused such a degree of pity in my breast that I had to comment. It was pure poetry.
--Shoeboy
I refused to believe the palm-as-fetish thing at first, but then I noticed the following 2 items in the Seattle Weekly personal ads -
Case 1
Men Seeking Men:
GWM 35 fit, attractive seeks same for vigorous palm action.
Case 2
Men Seeking Women:
SWM, College student - 24 Tired of staying home on friday nights having sex with my palm. Looking for older woman for cheap meaningless fling.
The evidence cannot be denied.
--Shoeboy
Man, you have got to start submitting these to segfault or something. These fake new stories are consistently high quality. It's a shame we have to surf the comments in order to see these.
--Shoeboy
Tech Support: Thank you for calling, how may I help you?
Customer: Yeah, this computer you sold me is crap.
TS: What seems to be the problem?
C: The cupholder is too @#$% small. What do you think I am, a #$%^ midget. How am I supposed to fit a Grande Tiazzi on one of these? Are you stupid or something?
If anyone wants to visit an enviroment with oily pools, methane rain and clouds of amonia, just swing by my apartment. I haven't cleaned my bathroom in ages.
--Shoeboy
37 b.c. Roman General Semper Cuni Linctus develops Squirtus Maximus, an ox bladder filled with water, that is operated by a legionaire jumping up and down on top of it. The device is used to dampen the resistence of the Gauls in what is now Southern France.
800 a.d. Danish barbarian modify the Squirtus by adding a nozzle. The weapon is used by chieftan Unferth the Hairy during his invasion of Ireland. Marks the first and last time in history that an Irishman is known to have showered.
1200 a.d. Improved squirtgun consisting of a large water reservoir and a modified billows is used by Islamic forces attempting to lift the crusader siege of Acre. Entire christian army is rusted solid and subsequently slaughtered.
1345 a.d. Rebelious Flemish peasants route a French army by using water filled gourds that smash on impact. Considered by historians to be the first appearance of the water balloon.
1356 a.d. Pope Pius IX bans the use of water based weaponry in a papal edict arguing that it is a "mockery of god who has dominion over the waters of the earth."
1803 a.d. Steel tubes with a nozzle on one end and a piston on the other are used by Portugese guerillas to expel fluids in the general direction of french occupation forces. Weapons are prone to rust and less than effective against muskets.
1939 a.d. Rust proof stainless steel squirt guns used by Nazi forces occupying Norway. The weapon is found to be non-functional during the norwegian winters.
1958 a.d. Soviet scientists develop first plastic squirt gun. Eisenhower warns nation of a "squirt gap" School children accross the country engage in squirting drills where they crawl under their desks and cover their heads.
1959 a.d. U.S. scientist in the secret "Vaudeville Project" develop the squirting flower.
1983 a.d. President reagan accused off selling squirt guns to Iran in exchange for freedom of US hostages.
1999 a.d. Timeline joke has grown stale. Shoeboy decides to stop and submit his post.
--Shoeboy
Our industry is just too easy to make those kind of jokes. Yet another reason why computers should be abandoned - yea verily the modems should be beaten into plowshares. Okay, so beating on a modem turns it into cracked plastic, but you see my point. Lame computer related pickup lines are proof of the degeneration of this industry. Could you imagine Alan Turing saying "Hey baby can I scan your ports?" Well maybe you can, but not to a woman at any rate.
--Shoeboy
The world belongs to those who can shuttle between websites with the ease of a speeding gazelle. I have in my hand $126.37 USD. I will give it to anyone who can show me a gazelle capable of surfing the web - even web-tv will count. I'll make that an even grand if you can get the gazelle to surf while loaded on meth as the article specifies.
--Shoeboy
Typo, sorry. I'll just nip off and shoot myself now.
Wonder what they're doing to make 4-proc efficient? 8-proc? Good question. The file system and networking improvements are supposed to allow Linux to scale into that range, but that's only a best guess. I've never seen or heard of anyone demonstrating resonably good >4-way scalability on an intel platform with any operating system. (NUMA machines don't count) Last time I checked, NT couldn't scale past 4procs worth a damn either. What's SGI smoking. Whatever it is, Compaq and a few others must be smoking it too since they're planning 8way xeons as well. 8way K-6 would be a much better value proposition since the EV-6 architecture can scale to 14procs with reasonable performance.
--Shoeboy
So you're saying that hollywood has lied to me? I refuse to believe it. How could popular entertainment fail to be a completely accurate guide to matters scientific?
--Shoeboy
Do less work? Ha. Not for nothing have I studied the works of B.F. Skinner - with a proper set of conditioning tools I can make anyone work like a champ. Lest you think this is an idle boast, I used to work for Kathy Lee Gifford - "encouraging" the Honduran schoolchildren that made her line of Wal-Mart clothing. I also did some consulting work for Nike in Indonesia. I was the one who suggested replacing the whips with high voltage cattle prods. I guarantee you that I can get a friendless, disoriented, barely fluent russian peasant woman to outwork any robot on earth - even the one on the 'Jetsons'
--Shoeboy
No, there's no guarantee. But if the robot butlers do take over, I intend to reprogram one and send one back through time and have it kill the inventor while he's still a child. While I'm at it, I intend to send my best friend back so that he can become my father.
--shoeboy
$800, get real. You can get a mail order wife from either malaysia or russia for lots less than that.
If my employer restricted my ability to visit www.footfetish.com, it wouldn't really make a difference to me (although they wouldn't have to steam clean the carpet as often.) This is trivial. Now if they blocked slashdot, productivity here would go through the roof! Of course we'd all quit after a couple of weeks, but we'd be able to get a lot more work done in those 2 weeks. This only applies to the techies, but if you replace slashdot with ebay or investor.msn.com it would apply to the sales and marketing department as well. Why don't we see blocking software that filters out popular time wasting sites?
--Shoeboy
The problem with slashdot style peer review is that is might lead to slashdot style posts, I can see it now:
Today on the Quantum Physics Review - Harvard professor Robert Gregors posted an article detailing a simple method of producing measurable quantities of strang quarks. Dr. Vanesh Purgabedi of Princeton responded with 'FIRST POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' This was promply moderated down to -1. A physicist calling himself 'Lord Voltron' observed that 'RED HAT SUCKS!!! I hate them.' This was moderated to a 3 for 'Insightful' MIT graduate student Allen Andrews observered that the energy requirements of Gregors' method would render it impractical for event the most well funded institutions. He was then accused by several 'Anonymous Particles' of beeing an 'AzzL1ck1ng M$ Wh0r3.' and moderated to -1 for being flamebait.
--Shoeboy
Send this to the marketing director:
Dear Sir,
I've noticed that you have been appending vowels to the beginning of a lot of words that don't strictly need said prefixes. I can only assume that you are a-Moron. e-Nough allready. i-Can't take it anymore. o-Nly brain damage can explain this. I doubt u-Bastards reallize how irritating this has become. y-MustYouDoThis?
--Shoeboy
Wow, for a while there I was concerned about the problem you expressed in the subject line. Fortunately your cogent, tightly reasoned arguements have convinced me that my fears are groundless.
--Shoeboy