Today, one Mr. John Faulkner has made himself quite possibly the richest man on Earth. How? He patented the sun.
As we all know, the sun is probably directly responsible for our very own existence, and therefore every single dollar made, earned, saved, spent and wasted can be attributed, in part, to the sun.
The U.S. Patent Office released official documents entailing the reasoning for such a radical move today. "John," says one section of the legal paper, "cited the Bible in proving his direct blood relation to Adam, as well as the fact that Adam and his spouse were forged directly from the hand of God. Furthermore, he stated that God 'had intended man to use the sun as a way of survival', and through laws governing the ownership of property due to usage, regardless of previous ownership (e.g. If you grow plants on your neighbor's lawn for 10 years with permission, you can legally state that property as yours), proved that Adam was indeed the owner of the sun, and that he, as the only descendant to make a claim, should be given full and impartial ownership of the sun.
"It's absurd," said Richard Edwards, "that Mr. Faulkner has gotten away with this." At that point, a squad of Faulkner Lighting trucks drove up and took away everything belonging to Mr. Edwards.
"Too long," said Faulkner, "have we Faulkners been cheated over what is rightfully ours. No longer will we be subject to the Earth's freeloading." When asked what he would do with the money, he said he would start a college named after himself. Unfortunately, at the mention of "Faulk U.", most of the people present began to laugh, and may never be seen again.
Actually, speaking from the gay standpoint, we were the most open about sex in HS, and were most oft the ones to speak about it. Sure, some of us were in the closet, but think about it this way: being gay, we obviously had enough previous sexual experience to determine this; hence, on the whole we were less puritanical and more liberal with our minds. It was the rabid theonomous bastards that were the most shut up.
Forgive me for not understanding how you correlate satirizing the news with the death of freedom of speech. Or maybe I'm the largest fool in the country, because it's 10:00 am and I still haven't had coffee, so it's rather likely.
Specifically, this line:
"The Daily Show must be censored. It's the only way we'll be able to preserve our freedom of speech."
Please tell me you're joking, because if you are, then it's a good punchline, but with a poor setup.
If you're not, then perhaps I can help you see the irony in that statement.
You cannot censor ANYTHING without in some way prohibiting freedom of speech. The very nature of censorship is to dismiss that freedom.
Once again, you might have been joking. But the way you came to that last line there did not lead me to think so.
-- Midori
"God save me, because none of these fools will."
Re:Rampant homophobia? Not necessarily.
on
eFront From Inside
·
· Score: 1
Oh hell. Perhaps I spoke too soon. And maybe... oh God, there I go. Secret's out now, I guess. Wait, no, I'm not trying to keep it undercover... HAH! Disproved a theory in a matter of seconds. My life is now complete.
Nifty News Fifty! Cause if news breaks, we didn't do it.
Re:Rampant homophobia? Not necessarily.
on
eFront From Inside
·
· Score: 1
The question was posed: What exactly is "the homosexual lifestyle"?
We at Nifty News Fifty heard the call.
In an exclusive poll of me and my mate, it was found that we listen to Tool, wear relatively baggy and none-too-coordinated clothing and like to play Counter-Strike. And I don't know about him, but I can say without a doubt: I like Chee-tos. So remember kids, when you think you've seen a gay man, but aren't sure, use this handy 3-point checklist!
1. Does he listen to music a lot?
2. Do his clothes choices lie along the lines of relaxed-fit and lack color matching?
3. Is he holding an Ingram MAC10 Uzi, or a.50 Desert Eagle, or some other extremely dangerous high-powered weapon?
Oh yeah, and neither he nor I have used the words "Super", "Gorgeous", or "Marvelous" in any kind of juxtaposition in a phrase, or even at all, in the past four months, unless you count the word "Superman", which is only used when regarding the Man of Steel himself (all rights reserved). And I seriously doubt I ever used it that way either.
Hope this clears things up.
-- Kitsune Midori
"MY WORLD IS A CROTCH!!!"
-Sluggy Freelance, www.sluggy.com
Slashdot Mirror
It's Hitlerrrific! =>.=
I'm scared. Really, really scared. Time to move to the UK.
Washington, DC -
Today, one Mr. John Faulkner has made himself quite possibly the richest man on Earth. How? He patented the sun.
As we all know, the sun is probably directly responsible for our very own existence, and therefore every single dollar made, earned, saved, spent and wasted can be attributed, in part, to the sun.
The U.S. Patent Office released official documents entailing the reasoning for such a radical move today. "John," says one section of the legal paper, "cited the Bible in proving his direct blood relation to Adam, as well as the fact that Adam and his spouse were forged directly from the hand of God. Furthermore, he stated that God 'had intended man to use the sun as a way of survival', and through laws governing the ownership of property due to usage, regardless of previous ownership (e.g. If you grow plants on your neighbor's lawn for 10 years with permission, you can legally state that property as yours), proved that Adam was indeed the owner of the sun, and that he, as the only descendant to make a claim, should be given full and impartial ownership of the sun.
"It's absurd," said Richard Edwards, "that Mr. Faulkner has gotten away with this." At that point, a squad of Faulkner Lighting trucks drove up and took away everything belonging to Mr. Edwards.
"Too long," said Faulkner, "have we Faulkners been cheated over what is rightfully ours. No longer will we be subject to the Earth's freeloading." When asked what he would do with the money, he said he would start a college named after himself. Unfortunately, at the mention of "Faulk U.", most of the people present began to laugh, and may never be seen again.
Midori, Fox of Three Tails
Actually, speaking from the gay standpoint, we were the most open about sex in HS, and were most oft the ones to speak about it. Sure, some of us were in the closet, but think about it this way: being gay, we obviously had enough previous sexual experience to determine this; hence, on the whole we were less puritanical and more liberal with our minds. It was the rabid theonomous bastards that were the most shut up.
--Midori
Oh damn you all, starting things without me here.
All right, who's up for some of this?
:shakes vigorously:
--Midori
Forgive me for not understanding how you correlate satirizing the news with the death of freedom of speech. Or maybe I'm the largest fool in the country, because it's 10:00 am and I still haven't had coffee, so it's rather likely.
Specifically, this line:
"The Daily Show must be censored. It's the only way we'll be able to preserve our freedom of speech."
Please tell me you're joking, because if you are, then it's a good punchline, but with a poor setup.
If you're not, then perhaps I can help you see the irony in that statement.
You cannot censor ANYTHING without in some way prohibiting freedom of speech. The very nature of censorship is to dismiss that freedom.
Once again, you might have been joking. But the way you came to that last line there did not lead me to think so.
-- Midori
"God save me, because none of these fools will."
Oh hell. Perhaps I spoke too soon. And maybe... oh God, there I go. Secret's out now, I guess. Wait, no, I'm not trying to keep it undercover... HAH! Disproved a theory in a matter of seconds. My life is now complete.
Nifty News Fifty! Cause if news breaks, we didn't do it.
The question was posed: What exactly is "the homosexual lifestyle"?
.50 Desert Eagle, or some other extremely dangerous high-powered weapon?
We at Nifty News Fifty heard the call.
In an exclusive poll of me and my mate, it was found that we listen to Tool, wear relatively baggy and none-too-coordinated clothing and like to play Counter-Strike. And I don't know about him, but I can say without a doubt: I like Chee-tos. So remember kids, when you think you've seen a gay man, but aren't sure, use this handy 3-point checklist!
1. Does he listen to music a lot?
2. Do his clothes choices lie along the lines of relaxed-fit and lack color matching?
3. Is he holding an Ingram MAC10 Uzi, or a
Oh yeah, and neither he nor I have used the words "Super", "Gorgeous", or "Marvelous" in any kind of juxtaposition in a phrase, or even at all, in the past four months, unless you count the word "Superman", which is only used when regarding the Man of Steel himself (all rights reserved). And I seriously doubt I ever used it that way either.
Hope this clears things up.
-- Kitsune Midori
"MY WORLD IS A CROTCH!!!"
-Sluggy Freelance, www.sluggy.com