A "Write like Katz" Primer:
To write like Jon Katz, you really have to think in simple terms. The first step is to seek out some information that was popular and well known a few weeks, or months, ago. Do not, repeat, DO NOT use information that is relevant today. That would be completely against everything that is Katz like.
Next, you scrounge up some people that have written, talked about, or otherwise blasted the subject you have at hand. Try to come up with experts that agree with your basic opinion on the matter, or at least, the opinion you are going to use to stroke your audience. Barring that, twist the words of your chosen sources to fit your needs. Make sure, whatever you do, that you always write out what you THINK your audience wants to hear. You may be wrong, but dive into it head-first, and hold fast to your belief throughout your article. Even if you don't actually believe what you are writing, it is important to have the appearance that you truly believe you have it all figured out.
Start your article with a statement of fact so blatantly obvious that a two year old would recognize it as complete and utter tripe. Then, expand on that bit of fact until you have twisted the original meaning so out of shape that no one, not even yourself, can extricate the actualy original meaning of the statement from the quagmire of your opinion. Most importantly, make sure that you go out of your way to state your opinion as if it was the one and only possible factual account of your given subject. Point out that you are the authority on this particular subject, because you once played a video game in 1983 that you thought might have the potential to enlighten you on this subject. Then, finish your article with a restatement of the original fact that you started with, but with an "enhancement" that re-inforces your opinion (which you have stated repeatedly as a fact). When the situation warrants, end with a final question that calls into the minds of your readers the fact that you are utterly and completely clueless, and should probably be recieving shock treatment in the basement of some state-owned hospital.
If this doesn't work, then simply re-read any Katz article and attempt to emulate it. They are all the same, just with slightly different words. Your main goal should be to stroke the egos of your audience, while at the same time somehow alienating them by making them feel like ethical midgets. Thank you.
This is the funniest thing I've read in a long long time.
The BOFH explains his new 'Management Stack Theory' to the PFY, who seems to take it all with a pinch of salt until the boss walks in... "So who's being made redundant again?" the boss asks, breaking the silence of the questions section of my presentation.
The room is silent while the boss and the rest of senior IT management await the answer to this weighty question.
"No one is being made redundant," I fume. "I'm talking about equipment here, routers and switches. I want to replace one router with two switches, which will give us redundancy at head office in that if one switch fails, the other one can take up the core functionality."
"Two switches, doing the same thing," the boss said.
"The same core tasks, yes."
"Like two light switches at either end of a hallway?"
"Sort of like that, yes."
"So if one's up, the other one has to be down for the light to go?"
Sigh.
Later, in Mission Control, I explain the rules of 'Management Stack Theory' to the PFY because he has no idea why the meeting deteriorated so quickly.
"Managers are stack-based," I explain. "Rule one is that they have, at most, a two-item stack limit. Mention a technical term and they'll push it onto their mental stack. Mention another, they push that up there as well. Mention yet another and they stack overload and reboot. That is, they think about what they're going to do after work, how sore their bum is, whether the marketing assistant knows her blouse is almost see-through, and so forth."
"But then they'd be rebooting all the time," the PFY says.
"Afraid not. Rule one, subsection B, deals with Stack Leakage. Technical terms leak from the stack at about one per sentence."
"Oh."
"Rule two of Management Stack Theory is that the frame size on their mental stack is pitifully small terms are compressed to fit into the available frame. I mention 'Disk seek latency', they hear 'Disky Latex', 'Seek Latex', 'Disk Lazy', or something similar."
"So they didn't get much out of your presentation, is what you're saying? But they can't be that stupid," the PFY comments.
Oh, such innocence...
"Which brings me to rule three of Manager Stack Theory," I cry. "After a manager reboots, Volatile Memory is not zeroed, meaning that the contents are indeterminant. What the manager is left with is a jumble of terms, which, after Manager Internal Logic has finished with it, might become: 'Seek a see-through Latex Blouse'."
"Ah," the PFY doesn't quite believe me.
I can see that some form of proof is required...
"Right, you apply my rules to the following sentences. Use the whiteboard as your Manager Stack."
"OK," the PFY accepts the challenge.
"I think we need some redundant switches."
The PFY dutifully writes redundant switches on the board.
"You forgot rule two," I point out.
The PFY amends it to randy swatches.
"Which we could dynamically route to..."
dynamo root.
"Which would allow us to multi-home..."
My bum hurts, writes the PFY, erasing everything before it.
"Correct," I comment. "And what's left in memory after booting?"
"I need a new swatch for the randy man with the root password."
"Sounds reasonable to me."
"And a load of bollocks to me!" the PFY splutters, only to be interrupted midflow by the boss poking his head around the door.
"Yours too?" he asks, noticing the PFY's whiteboard scribbles. "Mine was aching all through that last meeting. Now, which one of you needed the new watch for rooting?"
Vindicated, I smile at the PFY.
"That'll be me," I say, grabbing hold of the tasteful new wrist accessory.
"What was it for again?"
"Oh, I'll be using it to benchmark the L2 cache performance of the new symmetric multiprocessor machines."
*REBOOT*
If the boss had a console screen option, I'd be watching a memory test at this point...
"I'm sorry, what was that again?" he asks.
"I just said I'll be needing a Dual-ported PC to run my Lempel Ziv compression apparently it's a new algorithm."
*REBOOT*
"Cyclic redundancy checking! Electrically erasable EPROM! File read lookahead!" I blurt it all out, before the boss has gathered his wits about him.
The boss has a faraway look in his eyes.
"What happened?" the PFY asks, waving his hand in front of the boss's face.
"I've heard of this. I think he's stuck in reboot mode. He needs a manual reset."
"How the hell do you do that?" The PFY is worried.
"Uh... The male non-maskable interrupt..."
"I couldn't!" The PFY cries.
"It's that or have him stand in front of your desk all day..."
Reluctantly, the PFY kicks the boss in the crotch, and he goes down.
"What happened?" he cries, getting painfully to his feet.
"You just fainted and fell on to the corner of the desk. And you missed the end of my idea about Level 5 RAIDing all our legacy data as a data warehouse repository for the canned queries in the database front-end."
Blankness...
"I think he needs rebooting again." And I take a couple of steps back for the run-up...
Everyone knows what "Internet" means. Not everyone understands thet that the world wide web is just one small part of that. Cater to the users by calling it Internet. It's no different from installing AO"Hell" on every computer, except that renaiming an icon doesn't cause the entire corporate network to crash down around you.
Yeah, that all seems to be a problem for the willy-sucking faggots on my corporate network.
I've been spending a lot of time reading the BOFH manuals. I'm thinking there's some really good ideas in there. Mmm, electrocution through the keyboard....
How many of the "Here, let me pat you on the back for being such a great man" posts are actually just him using accounts (or anonymously posting) that he hasn't admitted to "owning" just yet? Way too much ass-kissing there for it to be coincidental as far as I'm concerned.
That is the funniest goddamned thing I have ever read. It covers almost every one of the "THIS IS NOT SPAM" messages I have recieved over the past few years, and then some. Kitties burying turds in your leaves. Damn, dude, that's good stuff.
He probably figured that no one in the Linux Community (i.e. regular slashdot readers) would care about the grammatical errors. Or, he was trying to generate page hits (like CmdrTaco and Hemos with their forced "errors").
He admits he did wrong, while saying he didn't see anything wrong with it. Then he says he understands why nobody liked it/why no one would trust him, but he also says that it's important that people are able to trust him/his site. Fucking loser cock-sucker.
Yeah, you're right. It's a hell of a lot harder to click that little icon that says "Internet" and actually get a web browser pointed at where you want it, than it is to click that little icon that says "AOL", have to enter a password, wait for the dial up process, then have advertisements shoved in your face, then try to wade through screen after screen of garbage to try and do something useful.
You're right, I'm just perched in this big ivory tower, trying to protect my vast skillz. It's not like I'm not willing to babysit the first time in. But anyone that can't understand the icon that says Internet takes you directly to the Internet without going through the interface from hell is just a fucking retard. Plain and simple. And if you really think that every business computer should be inflicted with an AOL account (not to mention the ungodly amount of bills you'd have to pay if everyone had their own seperate account), then you are more than welcome to take my suck-ass job, shine it up real nice, turn that sum-bitch sideways, and stick it straight up, your candy ass.
*SHAKE*SHAKE* Sorry, sometimes the Rock takes over for me.
This fucking dick in the office comes in and asks, "When we get the Internet, will it work just like AOL at home?"
So, I say, as patiently as I can, "No, not exactly. This will work and won't lock up your computer every couple of minutes, and you can actually use it to get some research done without flashing, pulsing, BUY THIS NOW messages."
Then the idiot proceeds to tell me that we really need to get an AOL style interface because there is no way that he is going to "relearn" how to use the Internet. Then he asks me to set up AOL on his computer to use our high speed network to access AOL just like he has at home. Then I pull the gun out of my desk drawer, shove it in his face and tell him to fuck off.
MS would never allow this entire idea to fly. At the first sign that someone had made a virus that actually goes out of it's way to "secure" one of their products, they would go out of their minds trying to find a way to shut them down. A secure product never REALLY needs to be upgraded. They need viruses, negative viruses, to keep the public on the upgrade treadmill.
When you come up with a new position to lay a child in before you fuck her - that's patentable.
The fact that you are fucking her at all - that's a Trade Secret.
When someone else out there discovers the position you used to fuck her, without seeing, hearing about, or witnessing in any way, shape or form, and uses that position to fuck another child - that's reverse engineering.
However, posting pictures and links on the web to any of these things would still be illegal. I don't think it should be, but the US is anti-child.
No. I've never been caught when I...er I mean, I've never done that.
Re:Sensible Discussion, please
on
Mac Rants
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· Score: -1
I guess that answers the question I posed to you further up this thread. Yes, you would jump to your knees and start sucking. You have all the way through this thread. You sick fucking bastard.
Re:Sensible Discussion, please
on
Mac Rants
·
· Score: -1
And go tell Raging Idiot to continue on his quest for negative karma. Tell him to persevere.
I usually have very little respect for AC lamers, but you sir appear to have at least a small amount of your head in the right place. I salute you. Thank you very much.
I've already seen that. In (name overwritten to protect the guilty), a popular sandwich shop, there is a sign on the wall that says by eating any food here you agree to not write negative reviews blah, blah, blah. I think it was done tongue firmly in cheek, as a spoof on click through licenses (it had that "official" look about it that just made it too cool to be real), but my bet is that some dumb-ass manager that works there will forget it was meant as a joke and try to take on some newspaper that writes them a bad review or something.
People take themselves way too seriously for their own good anymore. Way, way too seriously.
Heh! You're stealing my job. I'll tell people here they are fucking amazingly stupid. I just hadn't gotten around to this article yet. (You'd be amazed at how many stupid motherfuckers there are to put down on this fucking bastard ass site.)
That's not bad. Go for an interview, get your ass shot off. Eventually, I would think that would curtail the number of people going for interviews at MS. Don't you think?
Unlike you, I actually take a while to work up to coming. I had plenty of time to fuck her, pussy, ass, nose, ear, and finally, when I was ready, mouth. I shoved my cock so far into her mouth that I pumped the cum straight into her stomach. Of course, as I said, she started babbling again right away when I pulled it out, so I slapped her and told her to get the fuck out of the room. I was done with her for now.
I'm telling you, they start forming tits at about ten anymore. I swear to god, if I have a daughter, she is going to have real problems keeping the bathroom door locked while she is showering if she looks anything like those chicks I see walking/stalking the fucking mall. Those teeny boppers look like they should be chained to my fucking bed. GOD, I NEED SOME SMUT.
Slashdot Mirror
Next, you scrounge up some people that have written, talked about, or otherwise blasted the subject you have at hand. Try to come up with experts that agree with your basic opinion on the matter, or at least, the opinion you are going to use to stroke your audience. Barring that, twist the words of your chosen sources to fit your needs. Make sure, whatever you do, that you always write out what you THINK your audience wants to hear. You may be wrong, but dive into it head-first, and hold fast to your belief throughout your article. Even if you don't actually believe what you are writing, it is important to have the appearance that you truly believe you have it all figured out.
Start your article with a statement of fact so blatantly obvious that a two year old would recognize it as complete and utter tripe. Then, expand on that bit of fact until you have twisted the original meaning so out of shape that no one, not even yourself, can extricate the actualy original meaning of the statement from the quagmire of your opinion. Most importantly, make sure that you go out of your way to state your opinion as if it was the one and only possible factual account of your given subject. Point out that you are the authority on this particular subject, because you once played a video game in 1983 that you thought might have the potential to enlighten you on this subject. Then, finish your article with a restatement of the original fact that you started with, but with an "enhancement" that re-inforces your opinion (which you have stated repeatedly as a fact). When the situation warrants, end with a final question that calls into the minds of your readers the fact that you are utterly and completely clueless, and should probably be recieving shock treatment in the basement of some state-owned hospital.
If this doesn't work, then simply re-read any Katz article and attempt to emulate it. They are all the same, just with slightly different words. Your main goal should be to stroke the egos of your audience, while at the same time somehow alienating them by making them feel like ethical midgets. Thank you.
This is the funniest thing I've read in a long long time.
The BOFH explains his new 'Management Stack Theory' to the PFY, who seems to take it all with a pinch of salt until the boss walks in... "So who's being made redundant again?" the boss asks, breaking the silence of the questions section of my presentation.
The room is silent while the boss and the rest of senior IT management await the answer to this weighty question.
"No one is being made redundant," I fume. "I'm talking about equipment here, routers and switches. I want to replace one router with two switches, which will give us redundancy at head office in that if one switch fails, the other one can take up the core functionality."
"Two switches, doing the same thing," the boss said.
"The same core tasks, yes."
"Like two light switches at either end of a hallway?"
"Sort of like that, yes."
"So if one's up, the other one has to be down for the light to go?"
Sigh.
Later, in Mission Control, I explain the rules of 'Management Stack Theory' to the PFY because he has no idea why the meeting deteriorated so quickly.
"Managers are stack-based," I explain. "Rule one is that they have, at most, a two-item stack limit. Mention a technical term and they'll push it onto their mental stack. Mention another, they push that up there as well. Mention yet another and they stack overload and reboot. That is, they think about what they're going to do after work, how sore their bum is, whether the marketing assistant knows her blouse is almost see-through, and so forth."
"But then they'd be rebooting all the time," the PFY says.
"Afraid not. Rule one, subsection B, deals with Stack Leakage. Technical terms leak from the stack at about one per sentence."
"Oh."
"Rule two of Management Stack Theory is that the frame size on their mental stack is pitifully small terms are compressed to fit into the available frame. I mention 'Disk seek latency', they hear 'Disky Latex', 'Seek Latex', 'Disk Lazy', or something similar."
"So they didn't get much out of your presentation, is what you're saying? But they can't be that stupid," the PFY comments.
Oh, such innocence...
"Which brings me to rule three of Manager Stack Theory," I cry. "After a manager reboots, Volatile Memory is not zeroed, meaning that the contents are indeterminant. What the manager is left with is a jumble of terms, which, after Manager Internal Logic has finished with it, might become: 'Seek a see-through Latex Blouse'."
"Ah," the PFY doesn't quite believe me.
I can see that some form of proof is required...
"Right, you apply my rules to the following sentences. Use the whiteboard as your Manager Stack."
"OK," the PFY accepts the challenge.
"I think we need some redundant switches."
The PFY dutifully writes redundant switches on the board.
"You forgot rule two," I point out.
The PFY amends it to randy swatches.
"Which we could dynamically route to..."
dynamo root.
"Which would allow us to multi-home..."
My bum hurts, writes the PFY, erasing everything before it.
"Correct," I comment. "And what's left in memory after booting?"
"I need a new swatch for the randy man with the root password."
"Sounds reasonable to me."
"And a load of bollocks to me!" the PFY splutters, only to be interrupted midflow by the boss poking his head around the door.
"Yours too?" he asks, noticing the PFY's whiteboard scribbles. "Mine was aching all through that last meeting. Now, which one of you needed the new watch for rooting?"
Vindicated, I smile at the PFY.
"That'll be me," I say, grabbing hold of the tasteful new wrist accessory.
"What was it for again?"
"Oh, I'll be using it to benchmark the L2 cache performance of the new symmetric multiprocessor machines."
*REBOOT*
If the boss had a console screen option, I'd be watching a memory test at this point...
"I'm sorry, what was that again?" he asks.
"I just said I'll be needing a Dual-ported PC to run my Lempel Ziv compression apparently it's a new algorithm."
*REBOOT*
"Cyclic redundancy checking! Electrically erasable EPROM! File read lookahead!" I blurt it all out, before the boss has gathered his wits about him.
The boss has a faraway look in his eyes.
"What happened?" the PFY asks, waving his hand in front of the boss's face.
"I've heard of this. I think he's stuck in reboot mode. He needs a manual reset."
"How the hell do you do that?" The PFY is worried.
"Uh... The male non-maskable interrupt..."
"I couldn't!" The PFY cries.
"It's that or have him stand in front of your desk all day..."
Reluctantly, the PFY kicks the boss in the crotch, and he goes down.
"What happened?" he cries, getting painfully to his feet.
"You just fainted and fell on to the corner of the desk. And you missed the end of my idea about Level 5 RAIDing all our legacy data as a data warehouse repository for the canned queries in the database front-end."
Blankness...
"I think he needs rebooting again." And I take a couple of steps back for the run-up...
God damn is that cool.
At last the script kiddies can curse and trade illegal software with eachother over a completely secure network. It's about damn time.
Everyone knows what "Internet" means. Not everyone understands thet that the world wide web is just one small part of that. Cater to the users by calling it Internet. It's no different from installing AO"Hell" on every computer, except that renaiming an icon doesn't cause the entire corporate network to crash down around you.
I've been spending a lot of time reading the BOFH manuals. I'm thinking there's some really good ideas in there. Mmm, electrocution through the keyboard....
How many of the "Here, let me pat you on the back for being such a great man" posts are actually just him using accounts (or anonymously posting) that he hasn't admitted to "owning" just yet? Way too much ass-kissing there for it to be coincidental as far as I'm concerned.
That is the funniest goddamned thing I have ever read. It covers almost every one of the "THIS IS NOT SPAM" messages I have recieved over the past few years, and then some. Kitties burying turds in your leaves. Damn, dude, that's good stuff.
He probably figured that no one in the Linux Community (i.e. regular slashdot readers) would care about the grammatical errors. Or, he was trying to generate page hits (like CmdrTaco and Hemos with their forced "errors").
He admits he did wrong, while saying he didn't see anything wrong with it. Then he says he understands why nobody liked it/why no one would trust him, but he also says that it's important that people are able to trust him/his site. Fucking loser cock-sucker.
I never post anonymously. What would be the fucking point in that?
You're right, I'm just perched in this big ivory tower, trying to protect my vast skillz. It's not like I'm not willing to babysit the first time in. But anyone that can't understand the icon that says Internet takes you directly to the Internet without going through the interface from hell is just a fucking retard. Plain and simple. And if you really think that every business computer should be inflicted with an AOL account (not to mention the ungodly amount of bills you'd have to pay if everyone had their own seperate account), then you are more than welcome to take my suck-ass job, shine it up real nice, turn that sum-bitch sideways, and stick it straight up, your candy ass.
*SHAKE*SHAKE* Sorry, sometimes the Rock takes over for me.
This fucking dick in the office comes in and asks, "When we get the Internet, will it work just like AOL at home?"
So, I say, as patiently as I can, "No, not exactly. This will work and won't lock up your computer every couple of minutes, and you can actually use it to get some research done without flashing, pulsing, BUY THIS NOW messages."
Then the idiot proceeds to tell me that we really need to get an AOL style interface because there is no way that he is going to "relearn" how to use the Internet. Then he asks me to set up AOL on his computer to use our high speed network to access AOL just like he has at home. Then I pull the gun out of my desk drawer, shove it in his face and tell him to fuck off.
God damn, I fucking hate AOL.
MS would never allow this entire idea to fly. At the first sign that someone had made a virus that actually goes out of it's way to "secure" one of their products, they would go out of their minds trying to find a way to shut them down. A secure product never REALLY needs to be upgraded. They need viruses, negative viruses, to keep the public on the upgrade treadmill.
The fact that you are fucking her at all - that's a Trade Secret.
When someone else out there discovers the position you used to fuck her, without seeing, hearing about, or witnessing in any way, shape or form, and uses that position to fuck another child - that's reverse engineering.
However, posting pictures and links on the web to any of these things would still be illegal. I don't think it should be, but the US is anti-child.
Fuck you you fucking bloody twat napkin. No, probably not, you'd never allow yourself that close to pussy.
No. I've never been caught when I...er I mean, I've never done that.
I guess that answers the question I posed to you further up this thread. Yes, you would jump to your knees and start sucking. You have all the way through this thread. You sick fucking bastard.
I usually have very little respect for AC lamers, but you sir appear to have at least a small amount of your head in the right place. I salute you. Thank you very much.
Actually, you're right. Sometimes it would be the full-time job of at least forty people. Thanks for the help.
I was wondering where that lovely sensation came from. I didn't figure the bitch's stomach was that tight.
Oh, BTW, you=faggot.
People take themselves way too seriously for their own good anymore. Way, way too seriously.
Heh! You're stealing my job. I'll tell people here they are fucking amazingly stupid. I just hadn't gotten around to this article yet. (You'd be amazed at how many stupid motherfuckers there are to put down on this fucking bastard ass site.)
That's not bad. Go for an interview, get your ass shot off. Eventually, I would think that would curtail the number of people going for interviews at MS. Don't you think?
Unlike you, I actually take a while to work up to coming. I had plenty of time to fuck her, pussy, ass, nose, ear, and finally, when I was ready, mouth. I shoved my cock so far into her mouth that I pumped the cum straight into her stomach. Of course, as I said, she started babbling again right away when I pulled it out, so I slapped her and told her to get the fuck out of the room. I was done with her for now.
Speaking of which, where the fuck is mackga?