tsunami:/# ping goatse.cx
PING goatse.cx (209.242.124.241): 56 data bytes
64 bytes from 209.242.124.241: icmp_seq=0 ttl=241 time=94.4 ms
64 bytes from 209.242.124.241: icmp_seq=1 ttl=241 time=94.6 ms
--- goatse.cx ping statistics ---
2 packets transmitted, 2 packets received, 0% packet loss
round-trip min/avg/max = 94.4/94.5/94.6 ms
tsunami:/# ping goatse.cx
PING goatse.cx (209.242.124.241): 56 data bytes
64 bytes from 209.242.124.241: icmp_seq=0 ttl=241 time=94.4 ms
64 bytes from 209.242.124.241: icmp_seq=1 ttl=241 time=94.6 ms
--- goatse.cx ping statistics ---
2 packets transmitted, 2 packets received, 0% packet loss
round-trip min/avg/max = 94.4/94.5/94.6 ms
Surround yourself with a handful of Slashdot-aware friends.
Surround yourself with a variety of alcoholic beverages.
Familiarise yourself with things to slur when sufficiently
intoxicated. These
may include - but are not limited to: "Whaaaassssup!"
and "I regret to inform you, ossifer, that my alcohol may contain
trace amounts of blood".
Gather friends around a large monitor.
Familiarise yourself with the observations set out below, and decide
among yourself which drinks to down, and when.
Load a web-browser, and visit Slashdot.
Open up an article on practically any subject; display preferences set
to 'flat, threshold 1, oldest first'.
Scroll down the page, slow enough so that even the booziest
of observers has enough time to read and comprehend each post. As
per the pre-arranged rules, consume a beverage of your choice.
CMP state,#bladdered : BNE stage_7
real instructions
Read the observations listed below.
Depending on whether you agree with them or not, either nod sagely
and concur, "True, true" or scowl angrily and accuse the
author of smoking crack.
the actual observations
Drink a quantity of alcoholic substance and/or nod solemnly whenever...
A poor analogy is constructed, embellished and never refuted, especially
when it relates to the politics of MP3s, the feasibility of designing
accessible websites, the ramifications of gun laws or the relative
advantages/disadvantages of Intellectual Property.
Someone says "Ummmm... you did read the article, didn't
you?"
...but they probably didn't read it themselves.
An informative article is moderated as 'insightful', or vice versa.
Someone claims that their post consists solely of the
cold harsh facts of truth, while
the opponent has to resort to name-calling, FUD or other such beastly
tactics.
The pre-emptive plea: "I'll probably get moderated down for saying
this..." which of course gets moderated up.
...they were posting anonymously to "protect their karma".
The 'Slashdot mentality' is described and 'rebelled' against, to
the author's karmic advantage.
...they are effectively moderated up simply for voicing an opinion
which is (or claims to be...) 'radically different'
...plausible examples of the 'groupthink conformity' are mentioned
(e.g. pro-Linux, pro-Open Source, anti-Microsoft, anti-spam,
pro-Libertarian, anti-censorship, pro-Napster etc).
...implausible examples are mentioned ("I'll probably get
moderated down for voicing this opinion in what is clearly a
predominantly anti-taildocking forum")
...the author talks of 'Slashbots', 'Sheepdot' or other such
anti-Slashdot rhetoric ("Open Source, Closed Minds... we are
Slashdot")
...a clearly inflammatory post is saved from a rightful (Score: -1,
Flamebait) with the cautionary "this isn't a troll, I'm just
pointing out the facts" or better still, the unconvincing
"this isn't a troll - I don't even know what a troll is."
...the score makes it clear that Slashdot moderators are becoming
more sympathetic to pro-Microsoft posts than pro-Linux ones.
A poster recognizes a troll and comprehends the futility in replying
to such, but does so anyway with the resignation, "I know I'm
not supposed to reply to trolls, but..."
A poster is accused of being a troll despite being not even remotely
inflammatory or controversial.
After being berated for posting an insensitive, illogical or offensive
post, the author caves in and posts, "*sheesh*
it was only a joke! Evidentally you have no sense of
humour!"
Ignoring the numerous replies to a "It's funny. Laugh" article
that clearly demonstrate that the posters have indeed found it to be
amusing, someone suggests that everyone is taking it "waaaaay
too seriously."
Something is criticized as being "cool" or "trendy".
A posting ends with the author saying, "eh, whatever",
"go figure" or "*shrug*".
Someone utilises any of the following terms or phrases: zealot,
jihadist, sheeple, hysterical, misguided, whine, apologists,
"funny, isn't it, how...".
New York New York police stormed into the household at 5:30 this morning catching Mr. Michael assaulting the black labrador who was barking and howling in pain. Local vets later discovered the poor dog had suffered major genital damage. The dirty rapist was found with a vibrating dildo still stuck up their anus when they were strip searched in the city police station 30 minutes later.
An anonymous caller reported strange un-human noises coming from the living room of the Mr. Michael's household. Stating in the call that they have been hearing the noises for around a week before but ignored them until now, dismissing them as a couple playing sex games, but it was when the anonymous caller realised it wasn't human when they could see a black four legged object staggering around the room making the strange noises.
Mr. Michael is currently being held at the police station and is going under observation by the local doctors. It is thought that they will be charged for with a strong sentence as a history of homosexual acts towards fellow citizens has only just been discovered. This sickening individual has no social life and therefore uses other animals to meet their sexual demands. More will come in tomorrows edition as the story develops.
[This article attempts to document a vile, ungodly practice that runs rampant through the homosexual geek and hacker community, a practice known as Taco-snotting, or simply snotting. Taco-snotting is something that few geeks dare talk about in free or open conversation, but it is nonetheless a widely-practiced and dangerous form of homosexuality. If you or anyone you know has ever engaged in Taco-snotting, please get professional help before it is too late. ed.]
Why do I keep receiving emails from an individual calling himself CmdrTaco?
You have been receiving unsolicited mailings from a certain
Robert CmdrTaco Malda, owner of the popular technology website slashdot.org. Actually, its not a very popular site in the common sense of the word; the site is rife with pimply, antisocial geeks and hackers, zit-faced nerds, communists, dirty GNU hippies, and other societal rejects and outcasts. Its also home to one of the worlds largest suspected pædophile rings, the infamous Slashdot crew.
Whenever Mr. Malda gets bored (and who wouldnt, running a site like
Slashdot all day), he roams through the user database, penis in hand, looking for people who might enjoy engaging in homosexual activities with him. How he determines this is anyones guess; but if you have a homosexual-sounding nickname, or a nick with a letter of the English alphabet in it, youre a potential candidate.
This time, he found
you. Lucky you.
Mr. Malda seems to be speaking in some sort of code. Do you know what it means?
CmdrTacos code language is relatively easy to decipher. This pervert prefers to speak in thinly-veiled sexual innuendo (yes, thats right: he wants you) to evade the watchful eye of Slashdots parent corporation,
VA Software. Mr. Maldas Commander is, of course, his penis: a small, withered little thing that lives in his pants and only comes out in the presence of other male geeks or at the beck and call of Maldas own lubed-up right hand. His Taco bells are the shriveled testicles that droop beneath his Commander, and his Taco sauce is his thin, runny semen. It should be more than obvious to you now what he means if he asked you to ring his Taco bells or taste his gourmet Taco sauce.
I would also guess CmdrTaco asked you to engage in a practice known as Taco-snotting and, if he was in a particularly depraved mood at the time, a circle-snot.
Good Lord. And, yes, he did. What is Taco-snotting?
Taco-snotting is the term used by Robert Malda to refer to the depraved act of fellating another man (homo- or heterosexual; CmdrTaco is rumoured to prefer raping unwilling victims), then blowing the semen out his nose and back onto the face and body of his victim. Naturally, a long, bubbly stream of milky-white semen is
left on CmdrTacos face, dribbling out of his nose and down his cheek: hence the term, Taco-snotting.
And if thats not bad enough
A circle-snot is a Taco-snotting
circle-jerk, another practice common among the Slashdot crew. CmdrTaco, CowboiKneel, and Homos get together and snot each other with their gooey, sticky cum spooging their jizz-snot all over each others faces and pasty, white bodies, until theyre covered head to toe with their own and each others man juice. This vile, ungodly ritual can go on for hours. For the homosexual penetration that follows this lengthy foreplay, Roblowme is usually there to provide plenty of anal lubricant; he owns a limousine service and has ample supplies of motor oil and axle grease ready to go.
To complete this perverted orgy, fellow faggots Michael, Timothy, and Jamie will usually join in, dressed in tight leather mock-S.S. uniforms, jack boots, and leather gloves. The homosexual shenanigans that follow are nearly beyond description. The whole group begins to snot each others spunk and whip each others pudgy asses with riding crops and chains until their pale, white geek bodies are exhausted and soaked in stinking sweat from the hours of passionate, homosexual revelry.
Ewwwwww. So, can I stop receiving these emails?
Hopefully, but I wouldnt count on it.
To begin with, you most likely forgot to uncheck the Willing to Snot checkbox in your account preferences. CmdrTaco has probably already got the hots for your wad (do you have a homosexual-sounding nick?), and hes probably already been lurking outside your bathroom window for weeks with a camera, some tissues and lube, just waiting to pounce and declare you his new bitch. Theres no escaping a geek in heat (trust me), so its probably too late for you, but you can possibly rectify this situation. To remove yourself from CmdrTacos sights, log into your Slashdot account, go to your user page, click on
Messages, and uncheck the box next to Willing to Snot. Maybe hell ignore you. Probably not.
I cant stop receiving these emails from CmdrTaco!?
If you indulge him in a Taco-snot or two, he
might leave you alone. You might also want to look into mail filtering, restraining orders, or purchasing a heavy, blunt object capable of warding off rampaging homosexual geeks in heat. Trust me, when they charge oh, the humanity. If he gets you, and you let him Taco-snot all over you, you will most likely end up tied up in his basement to be used as his sex slave for the rest of your life (or until he accidentally drowns you in spunk in a circle-snot).
Have you ever been Taco-snotted?
Unfortunately, yes. I first met Mr. Malda at an
Open Source Convention. He invited me back to his room for a game of Quake and some gourmet Tacos, but when I got there, the perverted geek jumped me and handcuffed me to his bed, stripping me. After taking his Commander out of his pants, Mr. Taco made me suck the withered thing six times, virtually nonstop. He then performed his vile Taco-snotting ritual on me three times over the next two hours, bringing me to orgasm after orgasm after sweaty, mind-numbing orgasm then he snotted my own thick, gooey jizz back onto my face out of his nostrils! He snotted me two more times, first into my mouth, then again on my exposed belly.
CmdrTaco invited several of his Open Source (or rather, Open Sauce man sauce) buddies over to continue their ungodly snotfest. European hacker and known überfaggot Linux Torvalds
raped my ass with his monolithic kernel; his partner-in-crime Anal Cox used their network stack in a multitude of unspeakable ways on and in every orifice of my defenseless, tender, young body. Michael Sims was there in his leather Nazi uniform, caning my previously-virginal ass with a bamboo pole and ranting about all those Censorware freaks out to get him.
That is so disgusting! How did you finally escape?
After about 16 hours of countless unholy, homosexual atrocities perpetrated against my restrained body, they all finally went to sleep on top of me, sweat-soaked and exhausted. I was left there, completely covered in bubbly, translucent jizz-snot, chained to the bed, with half a dozen fat, pasty-white fags lying around and on top of me. Fortunately the spooge coating my flesh worked wonderfully as a lubricant I was able to squirm my way out of the handcuffs and slip out the back door (of the apartment, not their back doors). Im just glad I survived the awful ordeal. These sexually-repressed hackers had a
lot of built-up spunk in their wads I couldve easily been drowned!
Thats horrible. Does Taco-snotting have anything to do with CmdrTacos special taco?
No, thats a different disgusting perversion CmdrTaco indulges himself in. Mr. Malda is usually not satisfied with merely snotting your own jizz back onto your face, he most often enjoys involving his own bodily fluids in his twisted games.
WeatherTroll has spent some time trying to educate the Slashdot readership about this vile practice (emphasis added):
You may be wondering what CmdrTacos special taco is. You will be wishing that you hadnt been wondering after you finish reading this post. To make his special taco, CmdrTaco takes a taco shell and
shits on it. He then adds lettuce, takes out his tiny withered dick (otherwise known as his Commander), puts his special taco sauce on it which means he jacks off on the taco, and adds a compound to make the person who eats the taco unconscious. Of course, the compound does not make the person unconscious until the taco is fully eaten. Thus CmdrTaco force-feeds the taco to the unsuspecting victim. After all, who would knowingly eat shit and CmdrTacos jizz?
After the victim is unconscious, he is held against his will and used for CmdrTacos nefarious homosexual purposes. This includes shoving taco shells up the victims ass, Taco-snotting, and getting Jon Katz involved. Trust me, you do not want Jon Katz anywhere near your unconscious body. Also, rumor has it CmdrTaco is looking for a new
goatse.cx guy. Dont let it be you!
Different ungodly perversion, yet no less revolting. It should be clear to you now that Robert CmdrTaco Malda is a very, very sick individual, as are most of the Slashdot editors.
Does Jon Katz get involved in any of this? I thought he was a pædophile, not a homosexual.
Actually, Jon Katz is a
homosexual pædophile. Hes also a coprophiliac, and, many suspect, a zoophile.
Mr. Katz is somewhat of a loner and doesnt involve himself in the circle-snots, but that doest mean hes any less of a freak than the rest of the Slashdot crew. Katz often engages in a game called
juicy-douching with a harem of little-boy slaves that he has collected over the years: yet another vile practice which involves administering an enema to himself of the little boys urine (forced out of them with a pair of pincers), spooging the vile muck from his ass back into the enema bag, then dribbling and slathering the goo all over himself and the boys chained, naked bodies. If hes in the mood, he will sometimes skip refilling the enema bag from his distended anus and just squirt it from his ass onto the crying, terrified boys. Unwilling boys are further tortured with the pincers until they comply and allow Mr. Katz to juicy-douche them at will. A boy will usually last about two years before Mr. Katz either accidentally drowns them in diarrhea or kills them once they get too old, usually around 13 or 14.
Not content with being a pædophilic coprophile, Mr. Katz is
also quite the zoophile. As if the sexual escapades with the helpless little boys arent enough, Jon usually enjoys his juicy-douches best when his penis is firmly planted in a female goats anus. He is also rumoured to get off on watching his little boys eat the goats small, bean-like turds, and he often kills his older boys by letting his goats trample them.
New York New York police stormed into the household at 5:30 this morning catching Mr. Katz assaulting the black labrador who was barking and howling in pain. Local vets later discovered the poor dog had suffered major genital damage. The dirty rapist was found with a vibrating dildo still stuck up their anus when they were strip searched in the city police station 30 minutes later.
An anonymous caller reported strange un-human noises coming from the living room of the Mr. Katz's household. Stating in the call that they have been hearing the noises for around a week before but ignored them until now, dismissing them as a couple playing sex games, but it was when the anonymous caller realised it wasn't human when they could see a black four legged object staggering around the room making the strange noises.
Mr. Katz is currently being held at the police station and is going under observation by the local doctors. It is thought that they will be charged for with a strong sentence as a history of homosexual acts towards fellow citizens has only just been discovered. This sickening individual has no social life and therefore uses other animals to meet their sexual demands. More will come in tomorrows edition as the story develops.
New York New York police stormed into the household at 5:30 this morning catching Mr. Malda assaulting the black labrador who was barking and howling in pain. Local vets later discovered the poor dog had suffered major genital damage. The dirty rapist was found with a vibrating dildo still stuck up their anus when they were strip searched in the city police station 30 minutes later.
An anonymous caller reported strange un-human noises coming from the living room of the Mr. Malda's household. Stating in the call that they have been hearing the noises for around a week before but ignored them until now, dismissing them as a couple playing sex games, but it was when the anonymous caller realised it wasn't human when they could see a black four legged object staggering around the room making the strange noises.
Mr. Malda is currently being held at the police station and is going under observation by the local doctors. It is thought that they will be charged for with a strong sentence as a history of homosexual acts towards fellow citizens has only just been discovered. This sickening individual has no social life and therefore uses other animals to meet their sexual demands. More will come in tomorrows edition as the story develops.
Jon Katz is a man who deserves to be NASA's new pet project. They have already prepared a capsule for where he will die for the next eight months while hopelessly floating near the sun.
The tube will feed him with CmdrTaco's feces and will supply him with Timothy's urine in order to die for the next six months.
He will be placed in this tube at approx. 36,000,000,000 KM from the sun so the temperature sits at around 36 degrees celcius on a constant rate.
The tube will be no longer than two metres and have a diameter no longer than a half-a-metre wide. It will be filled with an oxygenated liquid safe enough for him to breate in, but there is only enough to last six months.
At the end of the six months, he will be jetisoned into the sun and the elements will take care of the rest.
Ash was laid out on a beach blanket. He was laying face down, still
sobbing from seeing a painful sight. He saw Misty riding Brocks cock. He
heard his former girl friend say how harder Brock's cock was than his. He
realized that only the hardest survive with Misty. Brock was a rock
trainer, so his cock would be as hard as a Golem.
An hour later Ash had cried himself to sleep when a girl walked over
and sat beside the sleeping boy. She was wearing a white thong bikini. Her
breasts were almost too big for her top. She had blond hair that went down
her back. She had a very nice tan, blue eyes, and the silkiest skin on the
planet.
"Poor boy, my sister wants a cock that is so long and so hard that it
would end up in her throat when the dick head stuck it in." she said
stroking Ash's back. He instinctively rolled onto his back. Valdrady ran
her hand down his chest and all the way down to his joystick. With her
touches, she had made him hard. She took off the swim trunks and played
with the seven inches. Then she rapped her mouth around the meaty tool and
began to suck. This woke Ash up, but instead of freaking out, he was
enjoying it.
"Ah yeah, suck on me." he moaned as the girl sucked harder. "Oh,
damn, I'm gonna come!" Ash yelled and came he did. He could hear her
gulping up all the seed into her stomach.
"My sister was a fool for taking that idiot Brock. You're much cuter."
she said pinning him and laying herself on top of him.
"Your Misty's sister?" Ash asked.
"Yes, we're twins. As you can see, I got the better looks." she said
taking off her top and putting Ash's hands on her globes. Ash used his
hands and mouth to explore her wondrous mounds. She cooed as Ash bit,
licked, it sucked on her diamond hard nipples. He then aggressively took off
her bottom. Valdrady stood up and Ash was on his knees.
"Suck me Ash, and you'll taste that I'm sweeter than Misty." Shall
said shoving Ash's head between her legs. Ash licked and nibbled her
which made her moan in pure delight. He then bit down on her clit and
sucked on it hard. "Yes, now I'm coming!" she yelled as her fluids Ran
into Ash's mouth like a river. She hadn't been lying about how sweet she
was. He had tasted Misty, and she was good, but this was pure heaven. She
was brought to her knees with this powerful orgasm.
"Let's do it sitting up, I like rapping my man up in my limbs." she
said.
He did not disagree. He felt every inch of her legs and arms around
him. Ash couldn't believe how soft she was. He slowly entered her
because he knew he was going to hit her hymen at any time. He hit it
gently.
"This is going to hurt, so brace yourself." he said pulling back a
little to get some sort of momentum going. She just nodded, and he broke
it. She was crying, so Ash let his dick go all the way to the hilt and he
licked up the salty tears that were + out. He held her until she calmed
down.
"Ah god, you feel so good in me." She said and started to ride Ash's
cock. He thrusts with her riding and found a pace they liked. "Don't
come until I do!" she said. Ash just growled and acknowledgement. 4
hours later, she gave the work and they both came at the same time.
"I love you," she said as they fell on the ground still rapped up in
one another.
"I love you more than I loved Misty." he said holding her close. They
fell asleep as one.
There are techniques used by successful trolls to elicit the maximum amount of responses from unthinking/.ers. This section is dedicated to explaining how to use these in the course of your trolls. Remember though, a great troll can break any or all of these and still be successful...
Timing
Because you're posting as an AC, your troll will generally be ignored in favour of posters using their accounts, and so getting in early is essential. A good guideline is to get into the first 20 posts, so that people reading the article will see the troll before it is swamped out. One way of increasing the speed with which you get your troll into play is to prepare them beforehand, and then quickly customise them for the current article. This is easier than it sounds since/. typically repeats stories with small variations and runs lots of similar stories.
Note that this is why Jon Katz stories are pretty worthless as trolling material - by the time you've found the article and prepared a troll there's already 50+ posts on it, most of them flaming Jon Katz anyway:)
Exposure
Once you've got your troll in, you need people to actually read it. You also want replies -/.ers are more likely to read your troll if it starts a large thread. You also want to remember that some people have set their comment thresholds to values higher than 0 - to get the attention of these you either want to get your post moderated up (see Style, below) or get a reply which gets moderated up to 4 or 5, in which case your troll becomes visible to all.
Accounts
An alternative to the time-honoured tradition of AC trolling is that of creating a "troll" account. This gives you the advantage of posting at 1 rather than 0, and slashbots are more likely to take you seriously, especially if you at least sound reasonable. If you do this, try to avoid posting stuff where it is obvious you're a troll under the account - post it anoymously instead - some slightly more canny readers actually check your user info before they reply. Not many though:)
The ultimate goal of the troll account is to secure the +1 bonus, which is currently received once you hit 26 points of Karma. To get there, employ the techniques of karma whoring that we see every day on/. and watch the karma roll in. And of course once you get the +1 bonus, the world is your oyster in terms of/. Posts made at a default of 2 hit even those people with the threshold of 2, are more likely to get moderated up even further if they are at all coherent, and people tend to lose their critical thinking abilities in the face of the +1 bonus. Milk it for all it's worth.
Layout
To get people reading it a troll needs to be easily readable. Make sure you break it down into easily digestible paragraphs, use HTML tags where appropriate (but always make sure you close them properly) and use whitespace appropriately.
Size
Generally a troll shouldn't be too short, otherwise it'll get lost in the crowd. A workable minimum is a couple of medium paragraphs. Conversely, it shouldn't be too long, or no-one will bother to read it. Keep it to a happy medium.
Spelling
Whilst spelling is important if you want the troll to be taken "seriously", key spelling mistakes can draw out the spelling zealots, especially if you mis-spell the name of a venerated/. hero, like Linus Torveldes or Richard Strawlman (thanks dmg). Related to this is the use of the wrong word, explaining an acronym as being something it isn't or making a word into an acronym even when it isn't.
Subject
The subject line needs to draw attention to your post without making it obvious that it is a troll. A simple statement of the main point of your argument can work here.
Style
Once you realise that most moderators don't bother to read past the first paragraph or two, you can use this fact to craft trolls that can be moderated up as "Insightful" (note that I mean this in the/. sense rather than the real-world sense). Start off fairly reasonable, making statements that are/. friendly and not being too controversial. As the troll goes on, make it more and more controversial, building it up for the coup de grace in the final paragraph.
Linking
As we all know, a post with links is considered "informative" by the/. crowd. Moderators love it, and they rarely check the links, so be sure to include as many as possible. And make them wrong - a link to the Perl website should instead point to the Python website instead, and vice versa. The other alternative to incorrect links is "useful" links to places like www.linux.org and www.microsoft.com i.e. places/.ers could never have found on their own:)
Feeding
The ideal troll requires no feeding - it runs on its own, generating flamewars between clueless/.ers for your amusement. But often a troll requires some help and so you should consider feeding it. Feeding is best reserved for people making either completely clueless responses, people making responses with holes in, or those wonderful people who write a 2000-word point-by-point rebuttal of your troll.
Know your audience
Always keep in mind the kind of things advocated on/. so that you can play on and against them. This is why anti-Linux, creationist, gun-loving, pro-corporation trolls work well - the vast majority of/.ers hold the opposite viewpoints. And if a few people agree with you, so much the better - it merely validates your viewpoint in the eyes of readers.
Arrogance
Be arrogant. You, as a troll, know that you're right. No other explanation could exist. The wronger the "fact", the more assertively you should state it. Make it clear that you are better than everyone else - you know the truth and they are just too stupid to realise it. Use plenty of sarcasm, and use "quotes" to show it to people too dumb to realise.
Offensiveness
Being offensive in your initial troll can be counter-productive - it causes moderators to mark you down as flamebait in general. But if you're feeding, then you can get away with calling/.ers all kinds of things. Make broad generalisations
about/. readers - call them "long-haired Linux zealots", "socialist open-source bigots" or whatever. Stereotyping is encouraged - people always want to think that they're an individual, and will point this out to you given half a chance.
Indifference
Great for articles with a political or social bent, this kind of troll expresses complete indifference to the topic at hand, wondering who on Earth cares about it. An alternative method is to say that the topic only concerns a certain group of people - criminals, idiots, hackers (always use this instead of crackers) or whatever group you want to offend.
Sympathy
Appear to take the same stance as the people you're trying to troll - claim you're as much a fan of Linux as the next man, but... This way you can make all kinds of claims in the sure knowledge that you actually know what you're talking about. A great phrase to use here is "In my experience". Remember to act like all the things you're pointing out are unfortunate but true.
The common touch
Always accuse/.ers of being elitist. This is an easy thing to do seeing as a lot of them are. Claim that is their grandmother couldn't use it, then they are just into it to feel better than Joe Sixpack rather than "doing it for the average user". This is always great for working into anti-Linux trolls - attack command-line tools and poorly designed desktops.
The 31337 touch
The opposite of the above. Claim that technology or whatever is only for the elite of society and that any attempt to open it up for everyone is wrong, an attack on intellectualism and possibly even dangerous. If people were meant to
understand these things then they would, and it's their fault if they're too stupid to learn.
Contradiction
Never be afraid to contradict yourself, even in the space of a single sentence. The phrases "I am a top programmer who codes in VB" or "I am a supporter of open source who uses NT at work and 95 at home" will be sure to get a response from some weenie smugly pointing out the contradiction. Confuse the issue more by engaging in contradiction when you are feeding - this will confuse/.ers who will then make even more stupid replies, leaving them even more wide open for response.
Clues
If you're feeling brave, give the reader clues that this is an obvious troll. The classic example here is dmg's stock phrase "I am often accused of trolling (whatever that is)", but also feel free to use phrases like "I have not read the article, and I don't know much about XYZ but I feel I must comment". If anyone responds to a troll with these kinds of clues in it, feel free to bask in the glow of knee-jerk/. responses.
Denial
If you're unlucky someone will accuse you of being a troll (surely not!) and try and ruin it for you. If you don't want it all to end there, then be sure to counter it by accusing them of being small-minded and petty, saying that it's easier for them to say it's a troll than to accept that people have different opinions. Be sure to say this in the subject line, especially if their subject was the infamous "YHBT. YHL. HAND."
Claiming credit
Given that/. has its community of regular trolls (hi guys!), it's only polite to publish your troll on one of the so-called "hidden" forums for all to see and admire. This way, you get to bask in the praise of other trolls, they get to contribute to your's if they want to, and you get an easy way to find the troll later on when you want to check on its progress:)
As for when to post it, that's a matter of opinion really. You can either post it straight away or leave it will after people start biting. Remember that the troll forum is also frequented by non-trolls, and sometimes you may get a self-declared "troll-buster" try and expose you. But remember,/.ers always post before thinking, and often it doesn't matter at all.
There is no real current forum at the moment thanks to various spammers hitting the sids, but try trolltalk, the original troll sid started by 80md and osm way back in the day. Generally all postings are done there as an AC, with your name at the end of the post. Include a link to the troll somewhere in the text, which ideally will be directly to the post and its replies - click on the #XX link in the thread to get there.
Ending the troll
Sometimes you just get bored with a troll, or people start posting genuinely thoughtful stuff in reply (it does happen). When this happens it might be time to own up to the troll with a helpful "YHBT. YHL. HAND." post. Sometimes people will carry on a discussion of the issue, and if you're really lucky (and it was a great troll) they will completely fail to believe you and carry on arguing. If that happens, pat yourself on the back for writing a great troll:)
The cheap $3 crack
Finally, when all else fails and your troll gets moderated down to (-1, Troll) within ten seconds of you posting it, the only honourable thing to do is to accuse the moderators of smoking the cheap $3 crack (again) and give up:(
Section 2 - Types of troll
The Maniac
Probably the most popular kind of troll, the Maniac holds an opinion on something, and won't budge from that opinion no matter what evidence to the contrary is presented. If challenged, the Maniac will simply get more and more agitated and abusive, deriding his opponents as "idiots", "wrong-thinking", "dangerous" and "subversive". Generally the Maniac takes a position that opposes the prevalent/. beliefs, but a similar effect can be achieved by taking a typical/. viewpoint and pushing it to ridiculous
extremes.
Maniacs can be crafted for practically every article/. posts, although some are more obvious targets than others. Civil liberty articles, especially on things like censorship, DMCA, UCITA that really get/.ers riled up, are usually extremely fruitful grounds for a well-crafted maniac. The other obvious type of article is anything which could possibly involve religion, especially evolution:)
Here are some fruitful avenues to explore:
The right-wing
Always popular, the right-wing maniac (RWM) is a God-fearing, gun-toting, flag-waving American, and proud of it. They don't care about the rest of the world, unless it's to "prove" that America is better than everything else, and they cannot stand liberal whining over civil rights. They hate the moral decay of America and want it to revert into a nation of heterosexual, Christian whites like it was meant to be. Woe betide anyone that dares to suggest otherwise.
Religion
There are two ways to approach this kind of maniac. The harder to pull off is the militant atheist, but this is quite common amongst/. posters and you would have to be very offensive to get this to work. Of course with religion trolls, the argument can go on for ever once it's started... The more common approach is the Christian fundamentalist. They are ignorant, intolerant and bigoted in the extreme. For them the Bible is the inerrant word of God revealed to man - it contains no flaws and no contradictions. Thus they are strict Creationists - mentions of evolution or cosmology will set them off on vitriolic rants. Flaming denunciations of anyone daring to contradict the "Word of God" are the way to go, and any kind of proof can always be ignored by appealing to "secular humanist brainwashing". And let's not forget, the USA is the greatest nation on Earth because it has the righteous power of Jesus Christ behind it.
Ideology
Pick a philosophy, any philosophy. This troll is a troll with a cause - they have found some kind of ideological truth, and are out to expose every other philosophy as a sham. Whether it be libertarianism, objectivism, communism or capitalism, this troll will point out the obvious "flaws" in any other philosophies, whilst spouting dogma about their own. And the best thing is - you don't even need to know that much about what you're spouting - making doctrinaire mistakes will get both sides of the argument flaming you, adding to the fun.
Software
This is an old favourite and crops up in many forms, covering the gamut from OS maniacs (Linux zealots, MS-apologists or embittered BSD fanatics), language maniacs (Pascal vs. C, C vs. C++, C++ vs. Java, Perl vs. Python, VB vs. everything),
application maniacs(GIMP vs. Photoshop, Netscape vs. IE, vi vs. emacs) and also includes people who complain about how technology should only be for the 31337 hackers.
Guns
Americans love their guns, and will always fight passionately for their Constitutionally guarenteed rights to bear arms and shoot people. Even the slightest hint of criticism of this will bring down the wrath of a thousand and one enraged gun-owners on you, so it's always a great point to work into a troll:)
The Expert
The Expert is someone who is "savvy" in their particular field, and is perfectly willing to give their opinion on any topic even vauguely related to their field. The Expert is most likely to be from a field which/.ers as a rule despise - the classic example is dumb marketing guy, but try consultants, lawyers, politicians, lobbyists, executives, journalists (just think Jon Katz). With this kind of troll sweeping statements with little content are the norm, along wire dire portents of future catastrophe and dark hints of "insider knowledge".
Some possible angles to exploit:
Industry knowledge
The expert knows the computing industry from the inside - as a long-term pro, they can dispense knowledge knowing that they can "speak for the industry". Their smug self-satisfaction is bound to annoy, as is any suggestion that things aren't the way that/.ers would like it - saying "Linux requires the rock-solid guarantee of a trusted company like Microsoft" or "Apache cannot be trusted for mission-critical enterprise platforms" is guaranteed to get you denials explaining exactly why you're wrong, in excruciating detail.
Helpful hints
With their tech-savvy (or law-savvy or whatever) experience, the expert is obviously the best person to point out what's wrong with things or to give out useful "factual" information. In fact this probably works best with lawyer trolls - for all that/.ers protest "IANAL", they certainly seem to think they could be, and any mistakes you make will send them rushing to prove themselves by correcting you.
Offtopic Trolls
Not really a "troll" in the strict Jargon File sense of the word, but they certainly should be included here:) This category includes parodies, offtopic weirdness any all kinds of amusing stuff. Not really my area of expertise, this stuff is mainly done by gnarphlager and opensourceman. Thanks to gnarphlager for this section.
Offtopic trolls, like any other, come in almost as many colours as an iMac, but generally not as cute. But then again, a good offtopic "troll" can affect more people than a repulsive little gumdrop on your desk, because you need to have someone SEE your desk before they can react. Simple? Moreso than even my overblown prose could indicate. Some basic examples:
The serial troll
Write a story. Keep expanding it. It doesn't matter what article you post it under, so long as it's high up. If you want people to recognize you, pick a couple themes or symbols, and carry them on throughout the story. Other alternatives include back linking or including the entire story, but adding more each time. Be funny if you want. Or if you don't feel like being funny, just be really weird. Someone will react.
The random troll
This has nothing to do with anything. Be it a stream of consciousness rant, or a description of the corner of your desk. Another favorite is a monologue, read as if spoken from any one given entity to another. The more outlandish, the better (a pair of socks talking to a mousepad, for example). If you really wanted to be artsy, work in an actual metaphor or legitimate meaning behind it, but it's not necessary.
The vaguely related troll
Start out with a comment about the article. Have a definite opinion of it. Then, after a little while, disintegrate into randomness. All roads eventually can eventually lead to cheese (yum), Natalie Portman, cannibalism, toasters, squirrels, futons, you name it. All it takes is a little bit of creativity. Oh, and feel free to use other trolls' motifs. Open source and all that;-)
General tips:
If it's funny for a fleeting moment, then it's worth posting.
Puns. Puns are only less vile than mimes, but it's hard to mime on/. So feel free/obligated to litter your offtopic and random bits with puns. Hurt the bastards. And if they're sick enough to laugh at them, then they'll eventually end up here;-)
Obscure cultural references and injokes are always good. SOMEONE will get them eventually.
Several drafts of a serial or random post are common, but true elegance is being able to come up with something on the spot that still makes the top 40 posts (on a post-heavy article)
Section 3 - Useful trolling links
The following links contain background information useful for trolls needing quick quotes and "expert" opinions to include.
Slashdot Mirror
tsunami:/# ping goatse.cx
PING goatse.cx (209.242.124.241): 56 data bytes
64 bytes from 209.242.124.241: icmp_seq=0 ttl=241 time=94.4 ms
64 bytes from 209.242.124.241: icmp_seq=1 ttl=241 time=94.6 ms
--- goatse.cx ping statistics ---
2 packets transmitted, 2 packets received, 0% packet loss
round-trip min/avg/max = 94.4/94.5/94.6 ms
goatse.cx is fast!
tsunami:/# ping goatse.cx
PING goatse.cx (209.242.124.241): 56 data bytes
64 bytes from 209.242.124.241: icmp_seq=0 ttl=241 time=94.4 ms
64 bytes from 209.242.124.241: icmp_seq=1 ttl=241 time=94.6 ms
--- goatse.cx ping statistics ---
2 packets transmitted, 2 packets received, 0% packet loss
round-trip min/avg/max = 94.4/94.5/94.6 ms
POO IN my pants, PISSHAT.
real instructions
the actual observations
Drink a quantity of alcoholic substance and/or nod solemnly whenever...
Slashdot killed your dignity.
Sugar Packets of Red Hat, not shares you turd.
BEST TROLL EVER
Slashdot is gay because CmdrTaco raped me and Jon Katz teabaged me.
New York New York police stormed into the household at 5:30 this morning catching Mr. Michael assaulting the black labrador who was barking and howling in pain. Local vets later discovered the poor dog had suffered major genital damage. The dirty rapist was found with a vibrating dildo still stuck up their anus when they were strip searched in the city police station 30 minutes later.
An anonymous caller reported strange un-human noises coming from the living room of the Mr. Michael's household. Stating in the call that they have been hearing the noises for around a week before but ignored them until now, dismissing them as a couple playing sex games, but it was when the anonymous caller realised it wasn't human when they could see a black four legged object staggering around the room making the strange noises.
Mr. Michael is currently being held at the police station and is going under observation by the local doctors. It is thought that they will be charged for with a strong sentence as a history of homosexual acts towards fellow citizens has only just been discovered. This sickening individual has no social life and therefore uses other animals to meet their sexual demands. More will come in tomorrows edition as the story develops.
Why do I keep receiving emails from an individual calling himself CmdrTaco?
Mr. Malda seems to be speaking in some sort of code. Do you know what it means?
Good Lord. And, yes, he did. What is Taco-snotting?
Ewwwwww. So, can I stop receiving these emails?
I cant stop receiving these emails from CmdrTaco!?
Have you ever been Taco-snotted?
That is so disgusting! How did you finally escape?
Thats horrible. Does Taco-snotting have anything to do with CmdrTacos special taco?
Does Jon Katz get involved in any of this? I thought he was a pædophile, not a homosexual.
Are you getting hard writing this?
No, thanks. Im already CmdrTacos boi toi.
________________________________________Come on... do better.
http://www.bbc.co.uk
New York New York police stormed into the household at 5:30 this morning catching Mr. Katz assaulting the black labrador who was barking and howling in pain. Local vets later discovered the poor dog had suffered major genital damage. The dirty rapist was found with a vibrating dildo still stuck up their anus when they were strip searched in the city police station 30 minutes later.
An anonymous caller reported strange un-human noises coming from the living room of the Mr. Katz's household. Stating in the call that they have been hearing the noises for around a week before but ignored them until now, dismissing them as a couple playing sex games, but it was when the anonymous caller realised it wasn't human when they could see a black four legged object staggering around the room making the strange noises.
Mr. Katz is currently being held at the police station and is going under observation by the local doctors. It is thought that they will be charged for with a strong sentence as a history of homosexual acts towards fellow citizens has only just been discovered. This sickening individual has no social life and therefore uses other animals to meet their sexual demands. More will come in tomorrows edition as the story develops.
TROLLING FOR LIFE. Keep up the good work sir and aim for another bitchslap.
CmdrTaco needs a good piss in the mouth.
New York New York police stormed into the household at 5:30 this morning catching Mr. Malda assaulting the black labrador who was barking and howling in pain. Local vets later discovered the poor dog had suffered major genital damage. The dirty rapist was found with a vibrating dildo still stuck up their anus when they were strip searched in the city police station 30 minutes later.
An anonymous caller reported strange un-human noises coming from the living room of the Mr. Malda's household. Stating in the call that they have been hearing the noises for around a week before but ignored them until now, dismissing them as a couple playing sex games, but it was when the anonymous caller realised it wasn't human when they could see a black four legged object staggering around the room making the strange noises.
Mr. Malda is currently being held at the police station and is going under observation by the local doctors. It is thought that they will be charged for with a strong sentence as a history of homosexual acts towards fellow citizens has only just been discovered. This sickening individual has no social life and therefore uses other animals to meet their sexual demands. More will come in tomorrows edition as the story develops.
More news on goatse.cx!
Jon Katz is a man who deserves to be NASA's new pet project. They have already prepared a capsule for where he will die for the next eight months while hopelessly floating near the sun.
The tube will feed him with CmdrTaco's feces and will supply him with Timothy's urine in order to die for the next six months.
He will be placed in this tube at approx. 36,000,000,000 KM from the sun so the temperature sits at around 36 degrees celcius on a constant rate.
The tube will be no longer than two metres and have a diameter no longer than a half-a-metre wide. It will be filled with an oxygenated liquid safe enough for him to breate in, but there is only enough to last six months.
At the end of the six months, he will be jetisoned into the sun and the elements will take care of the rest.
Hey you FUCKING retard... LETS count BACKWARDS while sucking CMDRTACO'S PENIS.
Yes, this is right. After days and weeks pondering CmdrTaco's ass and Timothy's small penis, the project has been planned.
Starting with this post, the goal is to get as many replies as possible in order to get 1,000,000 total posts on Slashdot.
The winner gets to ship Jon Katz to Cuba. Is that a great prize or what?
Because CmdrTaco is mexican and asian.
I claim FIRST POST even though IDIOTS have posted before me.
...I reclaim FIRST POST.
Ash was laid out on a beach blanket. He was laying face down, still
sobbing from seeing a painful sight. He saw Misty riding Brocks cock. He
heard his former girl friend say how harder Brock's cock was than his. He
realized that only the hardest survive with Misty. Brock was a rock
trainer, so his cock would be as hard as a Golem.
An hour later Ash had cried himself to sleep when a girl walked over
and sat beside the sleeping boy. She was wearing a white thong bikini. Her
breasts were almost too big for her top. She had blond hair that went down
her back. She had a very nice tan, blue eyes, and the silkiest skin on the
planet.
"Poor boy, my sister wants a cock that is so long and so hard that it
would end up in her throat when the dick head stuck it in." she said
stroking Ash's back. He instinctively rolled onto his back. Valdrady ran
her hand down his chest and all the way down to his joystick. With her
touches, she had made him hard. She took off the swim trunks and played
with the seven inches. Then she rapped her mouth around the meaty tool and
began to suck. This woke Ash up, but instead of freaking out, he was
enjoying it.
"Ah yeah, suck on me." he moaned as the girl sucked harder. "Oh,
damn, I'm gonna come!" Ash yelled and came he did. He could hear her
gulping up all the seed into her stomach.
"My sister was a fool for taking that idiot Brock. You're much cuter."
she said pinning him and laying herself on top of him.
"Your Misty's sister?" Ash asked.
"Yes, we're twins. As you can see, I got the better looks." she said
taking off her top and putting Ash's hands on her globes. Ash used his
hands and mouth to explore her wondrous mounds. She cooed as Ash bit,
licked, it sucked on her diamond hard nipples. He then aggressively took off
her bottom. Valdrady stood up and Ash was on his knees.
"Suck me Ash, and you'll taste that I'm sweeter than Misty." Shall
said shoving Ash's head between her legs. Ash licked and nibbled her
which made her moan in pure delight. He then bit down on her clit and
sucked on it hard. "Yes, now I'm coming!" she yelled as her fluids Ran
into Ash's mouth like a river. She hadn't been lying about how sweet she
was. He had tasted Misty, and she was good, but this was pure heaven. She
was brought to her knees with this powerful orgasm.
"Let's do it sitting up, I like rapping my man up in my limbs." she
said.
He did not disagree. He felt every inch of her legs and arms around
him. Ash couldn't believe how soft she was. He slowly entered her
because he knew he was going to hit her hymen at any time. He hit it
gently.
"This is going to hurt, so brace yourself." he said pulling back a
little to get some sort of momentum going. She just nodded, and he broke
it. She was crying, so Ash let his dick go all the way to the hilt and he
licked up the salty tears that were + out. He held her until she calmed
down.
"Ah god, you feel so good in me." She said and started to ride Ash's
cock. He thrusts with her riding and found a pace they liked. "Don't
come until I do!" she said. Ash just growled and acknowledgement. 4
hours later, she gave the work and they both came at the same time.
"I love you," she said as they fell on the ground still rapped up in
one another.
"I love you more than I loved Misty." he said holding her close. They
fell asleep as one.
Section 1 - Trolling techniques
There are techniques used by successful trolls to elicit the maximum amount of responses from unthinking /.ers. This section is dedicated to explaining how to use these in the course of your trolls. Remember though, a great troll can break any or all of these and still be successful...
Because you're posting as an AC, your troll will generally be ignored in favour of posters using their accounts, and so getting in early is essential. A good guideline is to get into the first 20 posts, so that people reading the article will see the troll before it is swamped out. One way of increasing the speed with which you get your troll into play is to prepare them beforehand, and then quickly customise them for the current article. This is easier than it sounds since /. typically repeats stories with small variations and runs lots of similar stories.
Note that this is why Jon Katz stories are pretty worthless as trolling material - by the time you've found the article and prepared a troll there's already 50+ posts on it, most of them flaming Jon Katz anyway :)
Once you've got your troll in, you need people to actually read it. You also want replies - /.ers are more likely to read your troll if it starts a large thread. You also want to remember that some people have set their comment thresholds to values higher than 0 - to get the attention of these you either want to get your post moderated up (see Style, below) or get a reply which gets moderated up to 4 or 5, in which case your troll becomes visible to all.
An alternative to the time-honoured tradition of AC trolling is that of creating a "troll" account. This gives you the advantage of posting at 1 rather than 0, and slashbots are more likely to take you seriously, especially if you at least sound reasonable. If you do this, try to avoid posting stuff where it is obvious you're a troll under the account - post it anoymously instead - some slightly more canny readers actually check your user info before they reply. Not many though :)
The ultimate goal of the troll account is to secure the +1 bonus, which is currently received once you hit 26 points of Karma. To get there, employ the techniques of karma whoring that we see every day on /. and watch the karma roll in. And of course once you get the +1 bonus, the world is your oyster in terms of /. Posts made at a default of 2 hit even those people with the threshold of 2, are more likely to get moderated up even further if they are at all coherent, and people tend to lose their critical thinking abilities in the face of the +1 bonus. Milk it for all it's worth.
To get people reading it a troll needs to be easily readable. Make sure you break it down into easily digestible paragraphs, use HTML tags where appropriate (but always make sure you close them properly) and use whitespace appropriately.
Generally a troll shouldn't be too short, otherwise it'll get lost in the crowd. A workable minimum is a couple of medium paragraphs. Conversely, it shouldn't be too long, or no-one will bother to read it. Keep it to a happy medium.
Whilst spelling is important if you want the troll to be taken "seriously", key spelling mistakes can draw out the spelling zealots, especially if you mis-spell the name of a venerated /. hero, like Linus Torveldes or Richard Strawlman (thanks dmg). Related to this is the use of the wrong word, explaining an acronym as being something it isn't or making a word into an acronym even when it isn't.
The subject line needs to draw attention to your post without making it obvious that it is a troll. A simple statement of the main point of your argument can work here.
Once you realise that most moderators don't bother to read past the first paragraph or two, you can use this fact to craft trolls that can be moderated up as "Insightful" (note that I mean this in the /. sense rather than the real-world sense). Start off fairly reasonable, making statements that are /. friendly and not being too controversial. As the troll goes on, make it more and more controversial, building it up for the coup de grace in the final paragraph.
As we all know, a post with links is considered "informative" by the /. crowd. Moderators love it, and they rarely check the links, so be sure to include as many as possible. And make them wrong - a link to the Perl website should instead point to the Python website instead, and vice versa. The other alternative to incorrect links is "useful" links to places like www.linux.org and www.microsoft.com i.e. places /.ers could never have found on their own :)
The ideal troll requires no feeding - it runs on its own, generating flamewars between clueless /.ers for your amusement. But often a troll requires some help and so you should consider feeding it. Feeding is best reserved for people making either completely clueless responses, people making responses with holes in, or those wonderful people who write a 2000-word point-by-point rebuttal of your troll.
Always keep in mind the kind of things advocated on /. so that you can play on and against them. This is why anti-Linux, creationist, gun-loving, pro-corporation trolls work well - the vast majority of /.ers hold the opposite viewpoints. And if a few people agree with you, so much the better - it merely validates your viewpoint in the eyes of readers.
Be arrogant. You, as a troll, know that you're right. No other explanation could exist. The wronger the "fact", the more assertively you should state it. Make it clear that you are better than everyone else - you know the truth and they are just too stupid to realise it. Use plenty of sarcasm, and use "quotes" to show it to people too dumb to realise.
Being offensive in your initial troll can be counter-productive - it causes moderators to mark you down as flamebait in general. But if you're feeding, then you can get away with calling /.ers all kinds of things. Make broad generalisations
about /. readers - call them "long-haired Linux zealots", "socialist open-source bigots" or whatever. Stereotyping is encouraged - people always want to think that they're an individual, and will point this out to you given half a chance.
Great for articles with a political or social bent, this kind of troll expresses complete indifference to the topic at hand, wondering who on Earth cares about it. An alternative method is to say that the topic only concerns a certain group of people - criminals, idiots, hackers (always use this instead of crackers) or whatever group you want to offend.
Appear to take the same stance as the people you're trying to troll - claim you're as much a fan of Linux as the next man, but... This way you can make all kinds of claims in the sure knowledge that you actually know what you're talking about. A great phrase to use here is "In my experience". Remember to act like all the things you're pointing out are unfortunate but true.
Always accuse /.ers of being elitist. This is an easy thing to do seeing as a lot of them are. Claim that is their grandmother couldn't use it, then they are just into it to feel better than Joe Sixpack rather than "doing it for the average user". This is always great for working into anti-Linux trolls - attack command-line tools and poorly designed desktops.
The opposite of the above. Claim that technology or whatever is only for the elite of society and that any attempt to open it up for everyone is wrong, an attack on intellectualism and possibly even dangerous. If people were meant to understand these things then they would, and it's their fault if they're too stupid to learn.
Never be afraid to contradict yourself, even in the space of a single sentence. The phrases "I am a top programmer who codes in VB" or "I am a supporter of open source who uses NT at work and 95 at home" will be sure to get a response from some weenie smugly pointing out the contradiction. Confuse the issue more by engaging in contradiction when you are feeding - this will confuse /.ers who will then make even more stupid replies, leaving them even more wide open for response.
Clues
If you're feeling brave, give the reader clues that this is an obvious troll. The classic example here is dmg's stock phrase "I am often accused of trolling (whatever that is)", but also feel free to use phrases like "I have not read the article, and I don't know much about XYZ but I feel I must comment". If anyone responds to a troll with these kinds of clues in it, feel free to bask in the glow of knee-jerk /. responses.
If you're unlucky someone will accuse you of being a troll (surely not!) and try and ruin it for you. If you don't want it all to end there, then be sure to counter it by accusing them of being small-minded and petty, saying that it's easier for them to say it's a troll than to accept that people have different opinions. Be sure to say this in the subject line, especially if their subject was the infamous "YHBT. YHL. HAND."
Given that /. has its community of regular trolls (hi guys!), it's only polite to publish your troll on one of the so-called "hidden" forums for all to see and admire. This way, you get to bask in the praise of other trolls, they get to contribute to your's if they want to, and you get an easy way to find the troll later on when you want to check on its progress :)
As for when to post it, that's a matter of opinion really. You can either post it straight away or leave it will after people start biting. Remember that the troll forum is also frequented by non-trolls, and sometimes you may get a self-declared "troll-buster" try and expose you. But remember, /.ers always post before thinking, and often it doesn't matter at all.
There is no real current forum at the moment thanks to various spammers hitting the sids, but try trolltalk, the original troll sid started by 80md and osm way back in the day. Generally all postings are done there as an AC, with your name at the end of the post. Include a link to the troll somewhere in the text, which ideally will be directly to the post and its replies - click on the #XX link in the thread to get there.
Sometimes you just get bored with a troll, or people start posting genuinely thoughtful stuff in reply (it does happen). When this happens it might be time to own up to the troll with a helpful "YHBT. YHL. HAND." post. Sometimes people will carry on a discussion of the issue, and if you're really lucky (and it was a great troll) they will completely fail to believe you and carry on arguing. If that happens, pat yourself on the back for writing a great troll :)
Finally, when all else fails and your troll gets moderated down to (-1, Troll) within ten seconds of you posting it, the only honourable thing to do is to accuse the moderators of smoking the cheap $3 crack (again) and give up :(
Section 2 - Types of troll
Probably the most popular kind of troll, the Maniac holds an opinion on something, and won't budge from that opinion no matter what evidence to the contrary is presented. If challenged, the Maniac will simply get more and more agitated and abusive, deriding his opponents as "idiots", "wrong-thinking", "dangerous" and "subversive". Generally the Maniac takes a position that opposes the prevalent /. beliefs, but a similar effect can be achieved by taking a typical /. viewpoint and pushing it to ridiculous
extremes.
Maniacs can be crafted for practically every article /. posts, although some are more obvious targets than others. Civil liberty articles, especially on things like censorship, DMCA, UCITA that really get /.ers riled up, are usually extremely fruitful grounds for a well-crafted maniac. The other obvious type of article is anything which could possibly involve religion, especially evolution :)
Here are some fruitful avenues to explore:
Always popular, the right-wing maniac (RWM) is a God-fearing, gun-toting, flag-waving American, and proud of it. They don't care about the rest of the world, unless it's to "prove" that America is better than everything else, and they cannot stand liberal whining over civil rights. They hate the moral decay of America and want it to revert into a nation of heterosexual, Christian whites like it was meant to be. Woe betide anyone that dares to suggest otherwise.
There are two ways to approach this kind of maniac. The harder to pull off is the militant atheist, but this is quite common amongst /. posters and you would have to be very offensive to get this to work. Of course with religion trolls, the argument can go on for ever once it's started... The more common approach is the Christian fundamentalist. They are ignorant, intolerant and bigoted in the extreme. For them the Bible is the inerrant word of God revealed to man - it contains no flaws and no contradictions. Thus they are strict Creationists - mentions of evolution or cosmology will set them off on vitriolic rants. Flaming denunciations of anyone daring to contradict the "Word of God" are the way to go, and any kind of proof can always be ignored by appealing to "secular humanist brainwashing". And let's not forget, the USA is the greatest nation on Earth because it has the righteous power of Jesus Christ behind it.
Pick a philosophy, any philosophy. This troll is a troll with a cause - they have found some kind of ideological truth, and are out to expose every other philosophy as a sham. Whether it be libertarianism, objectivism, communism or capitalism, this troll will point out the obvious "flaws" in any other philosophies, whilst spouting dogma about their own. And the best thing is - you don't even need to know that much about what you're spouting - making doctrinaire mistakes will get both sides of the argument flaming you, adding to the fun.
This is an old favourite and crops up in many forms, covering the gamut from OS maniacs (Linux zealots, MS-apologists or embittered BSD fanatics), language maniacs (Pascal vs. C, C vs. C++, C++ vs. Java, Perl vs. Python, VB vs. everything), application maniacs(GIMP vs. Photoshop, Netscape vs. IE, vi vs. emacs) and also includes people who complain about how technology should only be for the 31337 hackers.
Americans love their guns, and will always fight passionately for their Constitutionally guarenteed rights to bear arms and shoot people. Even the slightest hint of criticism of this will bring down the wrath of a thousand and one enraged gun-owners on you, so it's always a great point to work into a troll :)
The Expert is someone who is "savvy" in their particular field, and is perfectly willing to give their opinion on any topic even vauguely related to their field. The Expert is most likely to be from a field which /.ers as a rule despise - the classic example is dumb marketing guy, but try consultants, lawyers, politicians, lobbyists, executives, journalists (just think Jon Katz). With this kind of troll sweeping statements with little content are the norm, along wire dire portents of future catastrophe and dark hints of "insider knowledge".
Some possible angles to exploit:
The expert knows the computing industry from the inside - as a long-term pro, they can dispense knowledge knowing that they can "speak for the industry". Their smug self-satisfaction is bound to annoy, as is any suggestion that things aren't the way that /.ers would like it - saying "Linux requires the rock-solid guarantee of a trusted company like Microsoft" or "Apache cannot be trusted for mission-critical enterprise platforms" is guaranteed to get you denials explaining exactly why you're wrong, in excruciating detail.
With their tech-savvy (or law-savvy or whatever) experience, the expert is obviously the best person to point out what's wrong with things or to give out useful "factual" information. In fact this probably works best with lawyer trolls - for all that /.ers protest "IANAL", they certainly seem to think they could be, and any mistakes you make will send them rushing to prove themselves by correcting you.
Not really a "troll" in the strict Jargon File sense of the word, but they certainly should be included here :) This category includes parodies, offtopic weirdness any all kinds of amusing stuff. Not really my area of expertise, this stuff is mainly done by gnarphlager and opensourceman. Thanks to gnarphlager for this section.
Offtopic trolls, like any other, come in almost as many colours as an iMac, but generally not as cute. But then again, a good offtopic "troll" can affect more people than a repulsive little gumdrop on your desk, because you need to have someone SEE your desk before they can react. Simple? Moreso than even my overblown prose could indicate. Some basic examples:
Write a story. Keep expanding it. It doesn't matter what article you post it under, so long as it's high up. If you want people to recognize you, pick a couple themes or symbols, and carry them on throughout the story. Other alternatives include back linking or including the entire story, but adding more each time. Be funny if you want. Or if you don't feel like being funny, just be really weird. Someone will react.
This has nothing to do with anything. Be it a stream of consciousness rant, or a description of the corner of your desk. Another favorite is a monologue, read as if spoken from any one given entity to another. The more outlandish, the better (a pair of socks talking to a mousepad, for example). If you really wanted to be artsy, work in an actual metaphor or legitimate meaning behind it, but it's not necessary.
Start out with a comment about the article. Have a definite opinion of it. Then, after a little while, disintegrate into randomness. All roads eventually can eventually lead to cheese (yum), Natalie Portman, cannibalism, toasters, squirrels, futons, you name it. All it takes is a little bit of creativity. Oh, and feel free to use other trolls' motifs. Open source and all that ;-)
General tips:
Section 3 - Useful trolling links
The following links contain background information useful for trolls needing quick quotes and "expert" opinions to include.
Debian or Slackware is what CmdrTaco uses on his dildo.
HOORAY. This IS BOFH'S 34th post. LONG LIVE trolling.
Hey dumbass, learn to read.