Thought this might be informative -- while working as a game counselor for Nintendo, I am often asked the same questions about a certain game. I even get the aoccasional request from confused Linux fans for information on Tux Racer.62, and in the hopes of clearing up any uncertainty you might have, I am posting the most popular ones here.
I can't collect enough herring in Twin Paths, help!
This is perhaps my most-often asked question. There's a common misconception that you have to have a good time to get credit for Twin Paths, but the limiting factor in this case is herring. Most players try the second path, which has more herring and a faster average speed. Unfortunately, neither path has enough to satisfy the requirement on its own. You must take the first path, then SWITCH OVER to the second path after the first two groups of trees. Some players also prefer to switch BACK to the first path to get the extra herring near the end of the level, but that's tempting fate in my opinion. Rest assured, though you might lose a little time going overland in this method, it's not enough to make a difference.
What is the highest jump attainable in Tux Racer?
Many people think that the highest jump can be found in Who Says Penguins Can't Fly? , where speeds in excess of 150 kph are commonplace. But since the entire level is essentially one big straightaway, there are no opportunities to set up a jump, and you have to rely on hitting the ramp at a glancing angle, counting on luck to propel you to a high altitude. The best you're going to get in this situation is a z-value of +13230. Believe it or not, some of the easier levels such as Twisty Slope or even Frozen River can give you a run for your money if big air is what you're looking for. In particular, the mountain to the left at the beginning of Frozen River can be used as a speed boost to attain values as high as +39740, or almost 120 feet in the air!
Is there any way over the big ramp in Sentinel Towers?
Contrary to what you may have heard, it's the angle of the ramp that's important to the height of your jump, and not the length. In fact, as you may have found out the hard way in Sentinel Towers, long ramps can be your worst enemy. To make the jump, you need to maintain a speed in excess of 84 kph all the way up to the base of the ramp. This requires a little planning in advance, so right after you exit the first ice canyon, make a beeline for the ridge on your right. Taking the most direct path will keep your speed on until you make it to the point of no return near the big ramp. Taking the most direct route off the ramp can also work wonders: you should always jump off near the right and then steer left after you hit the other side.
NOTE: If you're trying to complete the jump for the herring bonus, there's a quick & dirty way to do that by taking the roundabout route at the right of the ramp and then jumping over to the other side. Be careful, though: unless you hit the right jump, you will fall down the crack and have to reset.
How can I play as the Coca-Cola bear?
This feature is "officially" non-existent, so don't tell.;) To get this feature working, you must complete, as Tux, all levels up to Path of Daggers in the Canadian Cup. Then go to practice mode and replay Path of Daggers, taking the path around the ice spikes at the beginning. When you get to the first turn, the one leading across the series of jumps, ignore the turn and go STRAIGHT OVER the embankment, flying into the clearing below. The easiest way to do this is to aim for the patch of snow in the middle of the embankment. If you maintain a speed over 50 kph, you will hit the slope at the extreme left side of the map and go straight through to a hidden ice tunnel underneath. At the end of the tunnel is a coke bottle which you must touch. (Alert players will notice that the bottle is actually on the plane of the level's exit, and the only way out is to touch a point in this plane, which gives you credit for this secret.)
Thought this might be informative -- while working as a game counselor for Nintendo, I am often asked the same questions about a certain game. I even get the occasional request from confused Linux fans for information on Tux Racer, and in the hopes of clearing up any uncertainty you might have, I am posting the most popular ones here.
I can't collect enough herring in Twin Paths, help!
This is perhaps my most-often asked question. There's a common misconception that you have to have a good time to get credit for Twin Paths, but the limiting factor in this case is herring. Most players try the second path, which has more herring and a faster average speed. Unfortunately, neither path has enough to satisfy the requirement on its own. You must take the first path, then SWITCH OVER to the second path after the first two groups of trees. Some players also prefer to switch BACK to the first path to get the extra herring near the end of the level, but that's tempting fate in my opinion. Rest assured, though you might lose a little time going overland in this method, it's not enough to make a difference.
What is the highest jump attainable in Tux Racer?
Many people think that the highest jump can be found in Who Says Penguins Can't Fly? , where speeds in excess of 150 kph are commonplace. But since the entire level is essentially one big straightaway, there are no opportunities to set up a jump, and you have to rely on hitting the ramp at a glancing angle, counting on luck to propel you to a high altitude. The best you're going to get in this situation is a z-value of +13230. Believe me, some of the easier levels such as Twisty Slope or even Frozen River can give you a run for your money if big air is what you're looking for. In particular, the mountain to the left at the beginning of Frozen River can be used as a speed boost to attain values as high as +39740, or almost 120 feet in the air!
Is there any way over the big ramp in Sentinel Towers?
Contrary to what you may have heard, it's the angle of the ramp that's important to the height of your jump, and not the length. In fact, as you may have found out the hard way in Sentinel Towers, long ramps can be your worst enemy. To make the jump, you need to maintain a speed in excess of 84 kph all the way up to the base of the ramp. This requires a little planning in advance, so right after you exit the first ice canyon, make a beeline for the ridge on your right. Taking the most direct path will keep your speed on until you make it to the point of no return near the big ramp. Taking the most direct route off the ramp can also work wonders: you should always jump off near the right and then steer left after you hit the other side.
NOTE: If you're trying to complete the jump for the herring bonus, there's a quick & dirty way to do that by taking the roundabout route at the right of the ramp and then jumping over to the other side. Be careful, though: unless you hit the right jump, you will fall down the crack and have to reset.
How can I play as the Coca-Cola bear?
This feature is "officially" non-existent, so don't tell.;) To get this feature working, you must complete, as Tux, all levels up to Path of Daggers in the Canadian Cup. Then go to practice mode and replay Path of Daggers, taking the path around the ice spikes at the beginning. When you get to the first turn, the one leading across the series of jumps, ignore the turn and go STRAIGHT OVER the embankment, flying into the clearing below. The easiest way to do this is to aim for the patch of snow in the middle of the embankment. If you maintain a speed over 50 kph, you will hit the slope at the extreme left side of the map and go straight through to a hidden ice tunnel underneath. At the end of the tunnel is a coke bottle which you must touch. (Alert players will notice that the bottle is actually on the plane of the level's exit, and the only way out is to touch a point in this plane, which gives you credit for this secret.)
Welcome back Subway lovers!!! Stay tuned for more of Jared's exploits, same time next week. And remember, Troll Tuesday is never more than a week away!
The Adventures of Jared, Vol. 1: A Cautionary Tale
It was a balmy 70 degree day as Jared Fogel stepped out of his small corner apartment and headed down to his local Subway (store #16977) for the weekly Troll Tuesday special. Jared had every reason to be happy: his toll-free hotline was open 24 hours a day, and his "Army" of former fatties, culled from the ranks of those who had lost over 100 pounds at Subway, dispensed justice with an iron hand. The days of irate customers and devious managers subverting the ideals of Subway for their own nefarious reasons were long since gone. Now he and every registered Slashdot user could have the satisfaction of ordering a sub, loaded with succulent fresh vegetables and hearty meats and cheeses, for the low price of only $3.49 every Tuesday. The friendly Subway staff knew that Jared always ordered a 6" turkey sub and a bag of baked chips for lunch, and a 12" veggie sub for dinner, with extra veggies and no cheese, oil or mayo.
Upon walking into the store, however, Jared suspected that something was amiss. The formerly bustling lunch line had dwindled to just a few people, and there was not a single teenaged slacker or wandering vagrant to be seen. The potato chip rack was empty, chairs and tables were scattered haphazardly around, and there was an odd stench in the air not unlike a motherboard stuffed inside a dirty gym bag. Sudenly, his worst suspicions were confirmed as he heard the muffled grunting and snickering coming from the small crowd assembled in front of the counter. Jared's eyes widened in horror as he beheld no less than 12 filthy bisexual Linux hackers, ALL with their pants around their ankles, engaged in a man-train gangbang front of his beloved lunch counter! Suddenly one of the deviants spotted Jared standing in the doorway. "FRESH MEAT!!!" he yelled as he and his entourage stumbled, giggling and farting, toward the horrified customer. Quivering with rage, Jared quickly grabbed the soda machine and, with superhuman strength, toppled it onto the pack of leering perverts. With a muffled crunch, the 500-pound soda machine rolled over the unsuspecting hackers, crushing them under its massive bulk. After a quick trip to the dumpster to dispose of the remains, Jared hosed the bloodstains off the floor and opened the windows to air out the stench of sweat and freshly soldered video card that still lingered in the air. Soon the local Subway branch was filled once again with happy customers.
Sadly, not all stories have a happy ending, and the fact of the matter is that most cases of GNU/Linux use end in tragedy. Scientific studies show that Linux has been linked to illegal drug use, pedophilia, bestiality, necrophilia, nymphomania, and venereal disease. If you or any of your loved ones has been experimenting with this lifestyle, encourage them to seek help NOW, rather than suffer the heartbreak of watching them slowly but inexorably turn into an unwashed, effeminate GNU hippie in a pink t-shirt. The time to act is now, not later. The beginnings of Open Source advocacy must be stamped out early before they have time to develop into something far worse. You have been warned.
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President,in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"
At subway, you get a sub prepared anyway you like, by the friendly, efficient staff. Choose from mouth-watering veggies, succulent meats and cheeses, and a variety of freshly-baked bread. Why not stop in today and pick up some subs for the whole family to enjoy. I suggest the Italian BMT, piled high with genoa salami, pepperoni, ham, and provolone cheese. Top it with lettuce, tomato, onion, and pickles, add a few spritzes of italian dressing and you've got a meal fit for king. Subway: eat fresh!
g to the oatse c to the izzex fo shizzle my nizzle click here (note: the site is currently down. I expect it to come back online around Thanksgiving) to dispatch Jared and his formerly overweight goons to crack down on Subway if they don't honor the $3.49 Troll Tuesday deal. Make sure you provide the store number and address. Mine is store number 5839. Don't believe me about the concept of the jared dispatch? Yahoo has an article about it here , although it is pretty light on the details.
Note: I've gotten a few comments that the link to Jared Dispatch doesn't work. I think the site got taken down because of abuse of the service. Although the site got taken down, I still highly reccomend Subway and their high quality subs. To show my appreciation, here is a link to Free Subway Coupons. I had to redirect it through Yahoo's site redirector, because my of the filter at work. Anyways, here is the link!
Note 2: I've received word that those links to yahoo actually point to goatse.cx. I am truly sorry about that, and I found the cause. A couple weeks ago, a hacker broke into yahoo and set up some scripts that redirect the user to goatse.cx if a file is in a certain directory. I accidentally tried to access a file in one of those haunted directories. I fixed the links (I have a cousin who works at yahoo), so they should bring you to the actual sites now, not goatse.cx. Update 10/28: The hacker, or should I say hax0r, actually has posted a page on yahoo on how he did it and how the goatse redirector works. It's a very good read. I suggest reading it soon before yahoo finds out about it and takes it down. Check it out ASAP! Note 3: I am working on locating the articles using google's cache. It is taking some time because I don't remember the exact titles. However, I hope to have the links fixed and working very soon. Keep eating at Subway in the meantime, and request that they bring back the jalepeno cheese roll. It is a fanscrumptiously brilliant roll. Note 4: To all those who think that sub is an incorrect term, I live in upstate NY, and we call it a sub here. There are no hoagies, grinders, po'boys, footlongs, heroes, or any other made up names. It's not hoagieway after all, its Subway. Important: It is my duty to report to you, loyal low-threshold readers, of a very disturbing incident that happened to me last week. I went into subway at the normal lunch time, but instead of the standard line out the door, the restaurant was vacant. Normally, the queue doesn't concern me, since the crew knows enough to make me a footlong Italian BMT with my standard fixin's and have it ready at 11:30 sharp, on tuesdays. I approached the counter casually, when two bulky men appeared from each side of the potato chip display rack. They held me down, and Jared appeared from behind the counter. He took my preprepared footlong BMT and cracked an evil grin. The manager grabbed the bottle of italian dressing and lubed up my general ass area. Jared shoved the footlong Italian BMT repeatedly into my ass, mixing it with the chucks of feces that were in my bowels, until the fresh crisp veggies resembled brown spoiled food. I begged him to stop, but little did I know the torture waiting for me. He took the italian dressing, and squirted it into my pee hole. Now, it burns when I pee, and it hurts when I sit. I asked him why he was doing this, and he said that they had tracked me down for my abuse of the Jared Dispatch system. You see, Jared gets airsick, and his constant flying over the country has caused him to lose weight due to his vomiting on planes. Normally, this loss of weight would be a good thing, but Subway can't actually claim that he lost weight by eating Subway subs. They told him to put the weight back on and then lose it again by eating subs, somthing Jared does not want to do. As a result, they are the ones who closed down Jared Dispatch. I am begging you, loyal readers DON'T GO TO JARED DISPATCH ANY MORE. Thank you for your time. I have to go to Subway now, and tell them that I want less italian dressing on my footlong Italian BMT. Remember, if you don't eat at subway, then the terrorists win!
Slashdot Mirror
I can't collect enough herring in Twin Paths, help!
This is perhaps my most-often asked question. There's a common misconception that you have to have a good time to get credit for Twin Paths, but the limiting factor in this case is herring. Most players try the second path, which has more herring and a faster average speed. Unfortunately, neither path has enough to satisfy the requirement on its own. You must take the first path, then SWITCH OVER to the second path after the first two groups of trees. Some players also prefer to switch BACK to the first path to get the extra herring near the end of the level, but that's tempting fate in my opinion. Rest assured, though you might lose a little time going overland in this method, it's not enough to make a difference.
What is the highest jump attainable in Tux Racer?
Many people think that the highest jump can be found in Who Says Penguins Can't Fly? , where speeds in excess of 150 kph are commonplace. But since the entire level is essentially one big straightaway, there are no opportunities to set up a jump, and you have to rely on hitting the ramp at a glancing angle, counting on luck to propel you to a high altitude. The best you're going to get in this situation is a z-value of +13230. Believe it or not, some of the easier levels such as Twisty Slope or even Frozen River can give you a run for your money if big air is what you're looking for. In particular, the mountain to the left at the beginning of Frozen River can be used as a speed boost to attain values as high as +39740, or almost 120 feet in the air!
Is there any way over the big ramp in Sentinel Towers?
Contrary to what you may have heard, it's the angle of the ramp that's important to the height of your jump, and not the length. In fact, as you may have found out the hard way in Sentinel Towers, long ramps can be your worst enemy. To make the jump, you need to maintain a speed in excess of 84 kph all the way up to the base of the ramp. This requires a little planning in advance, so right after you exit the first ice canyon, make a beeline for the ridge on your right. Taking the most direct path will keep your speed on until you make it to the point of no return near the big ramp. Taking the most direct route off the ramp can also work wonders: you should always jump off near the right and then steer left after you hit the other side.
NOTE: If you're trying to complete the jump for the herring bonus, there's a quick & dirty way to do that by taking the roundabout route at the right of the ramp and then jumping over to the other side. Be careful, though: unless you hit the right jump, you will fall down the crack and have to reset.
How can I play as the Coca-Cola bear?
This feature is "officially" non-existent, so don't tell. ;) To get this feature working, you must complete, as Tux, all levels up to Path of Daggers in the Canadian Cup. Then go to practice mode and replay Path of Daggers, taking the path around the ice spikes at the beginning. When you get to the first turn, the one leading across the series of jumps, ignore the turn and go STRAIGHT OVER the embankment, flying into the clearing below. The easiest way to do this is to aim for the patch of snow in the middle of the embankment. If you maintain a speed over 50 kph, you will hit the slope at the extreme left side of the map and go straight through to a hidden ice tunnel underneath. At the end of the tunnel is a coke bottle which you must touch. (Alert players will notice that the bottle is actually on the plane of the level's exit, and the only way out is to touch a point in this plane, which gives you credit for this secret.)
I can't collect enough herring in Twin Paths, help!
This is perhaps my most-often asked question. There's a common misconception that you have to have a good time to get credit for Twin Paths, but the limiting factor in this case is herring. Most players try the second path, which has more herring and a faster average speed. Unfortunately, neither path has enough to satisfy the requirement on its own. You must take the first path, then SWITCH OVER to the second path after the first two groups of trees. Some players also prefer to switch BACK to the first path to get the extra herring near the end of the level, but that's tempting fate in my opinion. Rest assured, though you might lose a little time going overland in this method, it's not enough to make a difference.
What is the highest jump attainable in Tux Racer?
Many people think that the highest jump can be found in Who Says Penguins Can't Fly? , where speeds in excess of 150 kph are commonplace. But since the entire level is essentially one big straightaway, there are no opportunities to set up a jump, and you have to rely on hitting the ramp at a glancing angle, counting on luck to propel you to a high altitude. The best you're going to get in this situation is a z-value of +13230. Believe me, some of the easier levels such as Twisty Slope or even Frozen River can give you a run for your money if big air is what you're looking for. In particular, the mountain to the left at the beginning of Frozen River can be used as a speed boost to attain values as high as +39740, or almost 120 feet in the air!
Is there any way over the big ramp in Sentinel Towers?
Contrary to what you may have heard, it's the angle of the ramp that's important to the height of your jump, and not the length. In fact, as you may have found out the hard way in Sentinel Towers, long ramps can be your worst enemy. To make the jump, you need to maintain a speed in excess of 84 kph all the way up to the base of the ramp. This requires a little planning in advance, so right after you exit the first ice canyon, make a beeline for the ridge on your right. Taking the most direct path will keep your speed on until you make it to the point of no return near the big ramp. Taking the most direct route off the ramp can also work wonders: you should always jump off near the right and then steer left after you hit the other side.
NOTE: If you're trying to complete the jump for the herring bonus, there's a quick & dirty way to do that by taking the roundabout route at the right of the ramp and then jumping over to the other side. Be careful, though: unless you hit the right jump, you will fall down the crack and have to reset.
How can I play as the Coca-Cola bear?
This feature is "officially" non-existent, so don't tell. ;) To get this feature working, you must complete, as Tux, all levels up to Path of Daggers in the Canadian Cup. Then go to practice mode and replay Path of Daggers, taking the path around the ice spikes at the beginning. When you get to the first turn, the one leading across the series of jumps, ignore the turn and go STRAIGHT OVER the embankment, flying into the clearing below. The easiest way to do this is to aim for the patch of snow in the middle of the embankment. If you maintain a speed over 50 kph, you will hit the slope at the extreme left side of the map and go straight through to a hidden ice tunnel underneath. At the end of the tunnel is a coke bottle which you must touch. (Alert players will notice that the bottle is actually on the plane of the level's exit, and the only way out is to touch a point in this plane, which gives you credit for this secret.)
The Adventures of Jared, Vol. 1: A Cautionary Tale
It was a balmy 70 degree day as Jared Fogel stepped out of his small corner apartment and headed down to his local Subway (store #16977) for the weekly Troll Tuesday special. Jared had every reason to be happy: his toll-free hotline was open 24 hours a day, and his "Army" of former fatties, culled from the ranks of those who had lost over 100 pounds at Subway, dispensed justice with an iron hand. The days of irate customers and devious managers subverting the ideals of Subway for their own nefarious reasons were long since gone. Now he and every registered Slashdot user could have the satisfaction of ordering a sub, loaded with succulent fresh vegetables and hearty meats and cheeses, for the low price of only $3.49 every Tuesday. The friendly Subway staff knew that Jared always ordered a 6" turkey sub and a bag of baked chips for lunch, and a 12" veggie sub for dinner, with extra veggies and no cheese, oil or mayo.
Upon walking into the store, however, Jared suspected that something was amiss. The formerly bustling lunch line had dwindled to just a few people, and there was not a single teenaged slacker or wandering vagrant to be seen. The potato chip rack was empty, chairs and tables were scattered haphazardly around, and there was an odd stench in the air not unlike a motherboard stuffed inside a dirty gym bag. Sudenly, his worst suspicions were confirmed as he heard the muffled grunting and snickering coming from the small crowd assembled in front of the counter. Jared's eyes widened in horror as he beheld no less than 12 filthy bisexual Linux hackers, ALL with their pants around their ankles, engaged in a man-train gangbang front of his beloved lunch counter! Suddenly one of the deviants spotted Jared standing in the doorway. "FRESH MEAT!!!" he yelled as he and his entourage stumbled, giggling and farting, toward the horrified customer. Quivering with rage, Jared quickly grabbed the soda machine and, with superhuman strength, toppled it onto the pack of leering perverts. With a muffled crunch, the 500-pound soda machine rolled over the unsuspecting hackers, crushing them under its massive bulk. After a quick trip to the dumpster to dispose of the remains, Jared hosed the bloodstains off the floor and opened the windows to air out the stench of sweat and freshly soldered video card that still lingered in the air. Soon the local Subway branch was filled once again with happy customers.
Sadly, not all stories have a happy ending, and the fact of the matter is that most cases of GNU/Linux use end in tragedy. Scientific studies show that Linux has been linked to illegal drug use, pedophilia, bestiality, necrophilia, nymphomania, and venereal disease. If you or any of your loved ones has been experimenting with this lifestyle, encourage them to seek help NOW, rather than suffer the heartbreak of watching them slowly but inexorably turn into an unwashed, effeminate GNU hippie in a pink t-shirt. The time to act is now, not later. The beginnings of Open Source advocacy must be stamped out early before they have time to develop into something far worse. You have been warned.
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out
of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think
about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie
with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris
to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar
orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he
could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a
hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent
him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he
felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman
who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel."
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with
no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one
lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy
peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty
through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien
empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two
hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for
Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With
no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The
lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The
President,in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean
floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which
vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed
his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to
veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"
At subway, you get a sub prepared anyway you like, by the friendly, efficient staff. Choose from mouth-watering veggies, succulent meats and cheeses, and a variety of freshly-baked bread. Why not stop in today and pick up some subs for the whole family to enjoy. I suggest the Italian BMT, piled high with genoa salami, pepperoni, ham, and provolone cheese. Top it with lettuce, tomato, onion, and pickles, add a few spritzes of italian dressing and you've got a meal fit for king. Subway: eat fresh!
g to the oatse
c to the izzex
fo shizzle my nizzle click here (note: the site is currently down. I expect it to come back online around Thanksgiving) to dispatch Jared and his formerly overweight goons to crack down on Subway if they don't honor the $3.49 Troll Tuesday deal. Make sure you provide the store number and address. Mine is store number 5839. Don't believe me about the concept of the jared dispatch? Yahoo has an article about it here , although it is pretty light on the details.
Note: I've gotten a few comments that the link to Jared Dispatch doesn't work. I think the site got taken down because of abuse of the service. Although the site got taken down, I still highly reccomend Subway and their high quality subs. To show my appreciation, here is a link to Free Subway Coupons. I had to redirect it through Yahoo's site redirector, because my of the filter at work. Anyways, here is the link!
Note 2: I've received word that those links to yahoo actually point to goatse.cx. I am truly sorry about that, and I found the cause. A couple weeks ago, a hacker broke into yahoo and set up some scripts that redirect the user to goatse.cx if a file is in a certain directory. I accidentally tried to access a file in one of those haunted directories. I fixed the links (I have a cousin who works at yahoo), so they should bring you to the actual sites now, not goatse.cx. Update 10/28: The hacker, or should I say hax0r, actually has posted a page on yahoo on how he did it and how the goatse redirector works. It's a very good read. I suggest reading it soon before yahoo finds out about it and takes it down. Check it out ASAP!
Note 3: I am working on locating the articles using google's cache. It is taking some time because I don't remember the exact titles. However, I hope to have the links fixed and working very soon. Keep eating at Subway in the meantime, and request that they bring back the jalepeno cheese roll. It is a fanscrumptiously brilliant roll.
Note 4: To all those who think that sub is an incorrect term, I live in upstate NY, and we call it a sub here. There are no hoagies, grinders, po'boys, footlongs, heroes, or any other made up names. It's not hoagieway after all, its Subway.
Important: It is my duty to report to you, loyal low-threshold readers, of a very disturbing incident that happened to me last week. I went into subway at the normal lunch time, but instead of the standard line out the door, the restaurant was vacant. Normally, the queue doesn't concern me, since the crew knows enough to make me a footlong Italian BMT with my standard fixin's and have it ready at 11:30 sharp, on tuesdays. I approached the counter casually, when two bulky men appeared from each side of the potato chip display rack. They held me down, and Jared appeared from behind the counter. He took my preprepared footlong BMT and cracked an evil grin. The manager grabbed the bottle of italian dressing and lubed up my general ass area. Jared shoved the footlong Italian BMT repeatedly into my ass, mixing it with the chucks of feces that were in my bowels, until the fresh crisp veggies resembled brown spoiled food. I begged him to stop, but little did I know the torture waiting for me. He took the italian dressing, and squirted it into my pee hole. Now, it burns when I pee, and it hurts when I sit. I asked him why he was doing this, and he said that they had tracked me down for my abuse of the Jared Dispatch system. You see, Jared gets airsick, and his constant flying over the country has caused him to lose weight due to his vomiting on planes. Normally, this loss of weight would be a good thing, but Subway can't actually claim that he lost weight by eating Subway subs. They told him to put the weight back on and then lose it again by eating subs, somthing Jared does not want to do. As a result, they are the ones who closed down Jared Dispatch. I am begging you, loyal readers DON'T GO TO JARED DISPATCH ANY MORE. Thank you for your time. I have to go to Subway now, and tell them that I want less italian dressing on my footlong Italian BMT. Remember, if you don't eat at subway, then the terrorists win!
And you know it.