I remember reading an article, a long time ago, in "Psychology Today", entitled something like "The Soulmate Myth". It's about how people these days seem worried about settling down. They worry they'll miss a better opportunity if they throw in their lot with the relationship partner directly in front of them. Combine that with the oft-spoken idea that when it comes to relationships you should never "settle", and you get a recipe for a lot of trouble and angst.
It can really make you wonder. Should we ever "settle", in an ideal world, for a relationship partner who's "just good enough"? Or should we wait for our "perfect match", who may or may not exist?
The question is entirely academic, for scholars and philosophers, but it's important to consider the following:
What makes a "perfect match" for you?
To answer that question, I'd like you all to conduct a thought experiment in your head.
Build, in your mind, your PERFECT partner. From scratch. Imagine this perfect person. Imagine how an interaction with this person would go. Imagine how a first date with this person would go. Don't worry about putting in qualities your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend has just to keep it politically correct; this is strictly for your own edification, not for me to judge you by.
Now open up Notepad or MS Word or grab a sheet of paper and write down what you came up with. Shred it later, if you don't want your spouse to find it. Again, it's not my thought experiment.
I'm serious, I REALLY want you to do this. I promise that it can be enlightening and fun. Forget what you believe society is telling you that you're supposed to want and just pay attention to what you actually want.
Now, I'm going to ask you a series of questions about your perfect spouse. Write down the answers for your personal notes because, again, this is about individual edification.
Did you start with a personality? A voice? A sense of humor? A political ideology? Something else non-physical? Or did you start out with a body type? Hair color? Eye color? Bicep size? Breast size? Anything else physical?
Is your initial interaction sexual? Are sex and sexuality primary components of what it takes to be "perfect" for you, or secondary, or tertiary? Do the physical sexual acts they'd be willing to perform factor into your image? Is your "perfect spouse" of a particular sexual orientation (for example, bisexual)?
For those of you who even considered physical appearance, does the person physically resemble someone you've seen in a media context? An actor/actress, a singer, a talk show host, a sports persona (Woo, I know what the ladies are thinking: John Madden! POW!), a comic book character, a news anchor, a model, a porn star? Did you take a relatively famous person and graft the "perfect" personality onto them?
Does this person physically resemble your current partner or prospective partner, if applicable?
Does this person's personality resemble that of your current partner or prospective partner, if applicable?
If you were to build, in the same manner, a "perfect friend who you would never ever be sleeping with in married to", would that person in any way resemble your "perfect spouse"? If so, how? If not, why not?
How likely is your "perfect spouse" to actually exist, in terms of personality?
How likely is your "perfect spouse" to actually exist, in terms of physical attributes?
Is one of the first thoughts you have when contemplating those last two questions: "Someone like that would never have anything to do with ME anyway..."? (Hint: If so, that means you're not really focusing on creating their personality so much as their physical appearance, since someone with a "perfect personality" for you would probably, by definition, like you.)
Hey, no need to get defensive. I can already hear a lot of people, mostly men, gearing up to justify their "perfect spouse" image and make it seem less incriminating than it might otherwise seem
You only hate it because youre angry You were raped, thats why you hate men You lived a hard life, thats the only reason you walk this path
Ive heard them all before, too many times to count.
Im not shy about my past. Im not ashamed of my past. Many painful, unfair things happened to me in my past. Unfortunately, oftentimes my past is what people attack me with. What has prompted this post?
I awoke this morning and wanted to share with everyone my feelings about an appointment yesterday. It was an appointment with OSU (Ohio State University). The single most important appointment I think I have ever had. I had half a post even created; its still in my draft folder. I wanted to talk about the fear I had, the terror that consumed me at the thought of this appointment. I wanted to share where that fear had come from, what had fed it, nurtured it. The injustices that I have had to overcome to get to where I am today. I wanted to share some of my past, some of the things that have made me who I am.
But I stopped.
Midway through the post I stopped, my fingers hovered over the keyboard and my mind froze in mid-sentence. I kept thinking to myself, If I tell this stuff, if I make it public, how many will then use it to destroy my credibility? How many people will point to this post as a reason they shouldnt believe my theories or my beliefs? If they knew what kind of life I had lived would they use it against me? Would they dismiss my arguments based upon my past?
Ive had this happen before. Some of my best friends have done it to me. I was engaged in a debate over pornography with a very close friend. I cited statistics, I cited harm, I quoted numbers and gave my sources. She looked at me after we had been arguing for some time and said, Well B.B. you have to admit that your past has an effect on your views. I understand that you wouldnt like Pornography because you havent gotten over what has been done to you
I froze. My face a mask of puzzlement, my jaw hanging lax as I stared in disbelief. What the hell had just happened? I mean, I had heard the argument from others, but it was in that day as I was sitting in her living room petting her cat and drinking a beer that it actually hit me. My entire belief system was invalid because of my past. My points were not made stronger by my past, they were made weaker. My past was the reason I was not to be taken seriously.
Did anyone discount the slaves arguments that what was happening was unjust based only upon the fact that they were slaves? I mean, would anyone tell a black man that, You just dont like slavery because of your past Would any of the above arguments work for slavery?
How about Jews? Would anyone tell Jews that, Youre just angry over the holocaust because of your past would they say it and actually believe that it was a valid argument?
Then why in the fuck is it that MY past is able to be used in that fashion? Why is it so easy to dismiss a woman who has been raped, who has been used and destroyed that her argument is not valid because of her past?
Some have told me that the life I lived was a hard life. I really have no objective knowledge of it because it was my life and well, I was living it at the time. For all I knew everyone had the kind of life I had, at times, I even told myself that MOST women had the kind of life I had. I have since realized that this is untrue, but it is a good example of what I thought normal was.
I was raped at 10 by an uncle. An uncle who used to show us the Pornography kept under the bathroom sink at my Aunts house. This same uncle went on to damage another of my cousins. Hes not in jail. Nothing was done to him and the young girls he violated try to live their lives knowing that he will never be brought to justice.
It was that solitary event that set up the events for the rest of my life. I fell apart, my life shattered, my world-view destroyed. I no longer felt safe, anywhere. The fear crept over me like a fog. I was put into a drug rehab for
I live in a world of violence. I live in a world of pain, of sadness. I live in a world of rape and coercion. I live in a mans world.
I live in a world where the normal man is masturbating to Hustler magazine and gonzo movies. I live in a world where I watch women be relegated to body parts for the profit of males. I live in a mans world.
I live in a world in which men buy our bodies for sex. I live in a world that sees its men masturbating to rape, violence and underage sex with women. I live in a mans world.
I live in a world in which women are being forced to act out the painful, degrading images that men view and want from us. A world in which the men are able to walk away from Nike shoes but not from the degradation of women. I live in a mans world.
I live in a world where empathy is given only to men. A world in which men expect women to allow them to have anal sex with them and who use it as a means to degrade the woman theyre with. I live in a mans world.
I live in a world in which the women do it for the amusement of men.
I live in a world where its perfectly normal and acceptable for a man to fantasize about children and rape.
I live in a world that tells me orgasms are worth more than lives. Where everyday men tell me Im a prude and a fascist for feeling empathy for women and their degradation. I live in a mans world.
This is the world I live in, this is the world I wake up to every day. A world in which orgasms are worth lives and the right to abuse women is touted as Free Speech to protect the interests of the men who wish to harm them, control them, dominate them.
I live in a world in which the most popular pornographic movie ever made, Deep Throat, starred a slave. A woman who ran from her abusive husband and whose husband then dragged her back, a world in which the men in her life forced her to have sex with animals, with objects and it is touted as a Right for men to view this.
I live in a world in which 4 men can ejaculate on a womans face and it is called empowering. A world in which men have taught our daughters that its appropriate and right for our sexuality to be used as men see fit.
I live in a world in which No doesnt mean No. A world in which women die and are raped and beaten by men. A world in which the screams of the sex slaves and the cries of the prostitutes and porn queens are forever silenced.
I am amazed at the world in which I live. I am amazed that so many of our brothers and fathers are quick to organize boycotts and political protests against the injustices surrounding them. Except when it comes to women.
I am saddened by a world in which our bodies become commercialized. In which our sex is on display. Im saddened when another woman tells me her story of being forced to act out scenes in pornographic movies and magazines with men.
I am saddened that our fathers, brothers and husbands do not care.
I am hurt that our pain is ignored. Im afraid of the man who looks at pornography, afraid of what that man may ask of his wife or girlfriend later that night. I am afraid for his partner, afraid for her pain and her degradation. If you look at porn I fear for the women in your life. I fear for their safety, I fear for their self-esteem and their state of mind.
I fear for the safety of our children when men sexualize children and place them, like so many lambs to the slaughter, upon the alter of Male Pride and ego. It frightens me that men do not want to save their mothers and sisters from the pain of rape. It saddens me that they say they are against rape and then help themselves to pictures of women being raped but never volunteer to work at a rape crisis center.
I live in a world of doublespeak. A world of free speech for the ones who can afford it at the expense of the most vulnerable in our society.
Men, in our society, do not care about women and it hurts me because I believe they can care about us. I hear the words from the men and they ring, large and hollow i
Slashdot Mirror
I remember reading an article, a long time ago, in "Psychology Today", entitled something like "The Soulmate Myth". It's about how people these days seem worried about settling down. They worry they'll miss a better opportunity if they throw in their lot with the relationship partner directly in front of them. Combine that with the oft-spoken idea that when it comes to relationships you should never "settle", and you get a recipe for a lot of trouble and angst.
/girlfriend/boyfriend has just to keep it politically correct; this is strictly for your own edification, not for me to judge you by.
It can really make you wonder. Should we ever "settle", in an ideal world, for a relationship partner who's "just good enough"? Or should we wait for our "perfect match", who may or may not exist?
The question is entirely academic, for scholars and philosophers, but it's important to consider the following:
What makes a "perfect match" for you?
To answer that question, I'd like you all to conduct a thought experiment in your head.
Build, in your mind, your PERFECT partner. From scratch. Imagine this perfect person. Imagine how an interaction with this person would go. Imagine how a first date with this person would go. Don't worry about putting in qualities your wife/husband
Now open up Notepad or MS Word or grab a sheet of paper and write down what you came up with. Shred it later, if you don't want your spouse to find it. Again, it's not my thought experiment.
I'm serious, I REALLY want you to do this. I promise that it can be enlightening and fun. Forget what you believe society is telling you that you're supposed to want and just pay attention to what you actually want.
Now, I'm going to ask you a series of questions about your perfect spouse. Write down the answers for your personal notes because, again, this is about individual edification.
Did you start with a personality? A voice? A sense of humor? A political ideology? Something else non-physical? Or did you start out with a body type? Hair color? Eye color? Bicep size? Breast size? Anything else physical?
Is your initial interaction sexual? Are sex and sexuality primary components of what it takes to be "perfect" for you, or secondary, or tertiary? Do the physical sexual acts they'd be willing to perform factor into your image? Is your "perfect spouse" of a particular sexual orientation (for example, bisexual)?
For those of you who even considered physical appearance, does the person physically resemble someone you've seen in a media context? An actor/actress, a singer, a talk show host, a sports persona (Woo, I know what the ladies are thinking: John Madden! POW!), a comic book character, a news anchor, a model, a porn star? Did you take a relatively famous person and graft the "perfect" personality onto them?
Does this person physically resemble your current partner or prospective partner, if applicable?
Does this person's personality resemble that of your current partner or prospective partner, if applicable?
If you were to build, in the same manner, a "perfect friend who you would never ever be sleeping with in married to", would that person in any way resemble your "perfect spouse"? If so, how? If not, why not?
How likely is your "perfect spouse" to actually exist, in terms of personality?
How likely is your "perfect spouse" to actually exist, in terms of physical attributes?
Is one of the first thoughts you have when contemplating those last two questions: "Someone like that would never have anything to do with ME anyway..."? (Hint: If so, that means you're not really focusing on creating their personality so much as their physical appearance, since someone with a "perfect personality" for you would probably, by definition, like you.)
Hey, no need to get defensive. I can already hear a lot of people, mostly men, gearing up to justify their "perfect spouse" image and make it seem less incriminating than it might otherwise seem
You only hate it because youre angry
You were raped, thats why you hate men
You lived a hard life, thats the only reason you walk this path
Ive heard them all before, too many times to count.
Im not shy about my past. Im not ashamed of my past. Many painful, unfair things happened to me in my past. Unfortunately, oftentimes my past is what people attack me with. What has prompted this post?
I awoke this morning and wanted to share with everyone my feelings about an appointment yesterday. It was an appointment with OSU (Ohio State University). The single most important appointment I think I have ever had. I had half a post even created; its still in my draft folder. I wanted to talk about the fear I had, the terror that consumed me at the thought of this appointment. I wanted to share where that fear had come from, what had fed it, nurtured it. The injustices that I have had to overcome to get to where I am today. I wanted to share some of my past, some of the things that have made me who I am.
But I stopped.
Midway through the post I stopped, my fingers hovered over the keyboard and my mind froze in mid-sentence. I kept thinking to myself, If I tell this stuff, if I make it public, how many will then use it to destroy my credibility? How many people will point to this post as a reason they shouldnt believe my theories or my beliefs? If they knew what kind of life I had lived would they use it against me? Would they dismiss my arguments based upon my past?
Ive had this happen before. Some of my best friends have done it to me. I was engaged in a debate over pornography with a very close friend. I cited statistics, I cited harm, I quoted numbers and gave my sources. She looked at me after we had been arguing for some time and said, Well B.B. you have to admit that your past has an effect on your views. I understand that you wouldnt like Pornography because you havent gotten over what has been done to you
I froze. My face a mask of puzzlement, my jaw hanging lax as I stared in disbelief. What the hell had just happened? I mean, I had heard the argument from others, but it was in that day as I was sitting in her living room petting her cat and drinking a beer that it actually hit me. My entire belief system was invalid because of my past. My points were not made stronger by my past, they were made weaker. My past was the reason I was not to be taken seriously.
Did anyone discount the slaves arguments that what was happening was unjust based only upon the fact that they were slaves? I mean, would anyone tell a black man that, You just dont like slavery because of your past Would any of the above arguments work for slavery?
How about Jews? Would anyone tell Jews that, Youre just angry over the holocaust because of your past would they say it and actually believe that it was a valid argument?
Then why in the fuck is it that MY past is able to be used in that fashion? Why is it so easy to dismiss a woman who has been raped, who has been used and destroyed that her argument is not valid because of her past?
Some have told me that the life I lived was a hard life. I really have no objective knowledge of it because it was my life and well, I was living it at the time. For all I knew everyone had the kind of life I had, at times, I even told myself that MOST women had the kind of life I had. I have since realized that this is untrue, but it is a good example of what I thought normal was.
I was raped at 10 by an uncle. An uncle who used to show us the Pornography kept under the bathroom sink at my Aunts house. This same uncle went on to damage another of my cousins. Hes not in jail. Nothing was done to him and the young girls he violated try to live their lives knowing that he will never be brought to justice.
It was that solitary event that set up the events for the rest of my life. I fell apart, my life shattered, my world-view destroyed. I no longer felt safe, anywhere. The fear crept over me like a fog. I was put into a drug rehab for
I live in a world of violence. I live in a world of pain, of sadness. I live in a world of rape and coercion. I live in a mans world.
I live in a world where the normal man is masturbating to Hustler magazine and gonzo movies. I live in a world where I watch women be relegated to body parts for the profit of males. I live in a mans world.
I live in a world in which men buy our bodies for sex. I live in a world that sees its men masturbating to rape, violence and underage sex with women. I live in a mans world.
I live in a world in which women are being forced to act out the painful, degrading images that men view and want from us. A world in which the men are able to walk away from Nike shoes but not from the degradation of women. I live in a mans world.
I live in a world where empathy is given only to men. A world in which men expect women to allow them to have anal sex with them and who use it as a means to degrade the woman theyre with. I live in a mans world.
I live in a world in which the women do it for the amusement of men.
I live in a world where its perfectly normal and acceptable for a man to fantasize about children and rape.
I live in a world that tells me orgasms are worth more than lives. Where everyday men tell me Im a prude and a fascist for feeling empathy for women and their degradation. I live in a mans world.
This is the world I live in, this is the world I wake up to every day. A world in which orgasms are worth lives and the right to abuse women is touted as Free Speech to protect the interests of the men who wish to harm them, control them, dominate them.
I live in a world in which the most popular pornographic movie ever made, Deep Throat, starred a slave. A woman who ran from her abusive husband and whose husband then dragged her back, a world in which the men in her life forced her to have sex with animals, with objects and it is touted as a Right for men to view this.
I live in a world in which 4 men can ejaculate on a womans face and it is called empowering. A world in which men have taught our daughters that its appropriate and right for our sexuality to be used as men see fit.
I live in a world in which No doesnt mean No. A world in which women die and are raped and beaten by men. A world in which the screams of the sex slaves and the cries of the prostitutes and porn queens are forever silenced.
I am amazed at the world in which I live. I am amazed that so many of our brothers and fathers are quick to organize boycotts and political protests against the injustices surrounding them. Except when it comes to women.
I am saddened by a world in which our bodies become commercialized. In which our sex is on display. Im saddened when another woman tells me her story of being forced to act out scenes in pornographic movies and magazines with men.
I am saddened that our fathers, brothers and husbands do not care.
I am hurt that our pain is ignored. Im afraid of the man who looks at pornography, afraid of what that man may ask of his wife or girlfriend later that night. I am afraid for his partner, afraid for her pain and her degradation. If you look at porn I fear for the women in your life. I fear for their safety, I fear for their self-esteem and their state of mind.
I fear for the safety of our children when men sexualize children and place them, like so many lambs to the slaughter, upon the alter of Male Pride and ego. It frightens me that men do not want to save their mothers and sisters from the pain of rape. It saddens me that they say they are against rape and then help themselves to pictures of women being raped but never volunteer to work at a rape crisis center.
I live in a world of doublespeak. A world of free speech for the ones who can afford it at the expense of the most vulnerable in our society.
Men, in our society, do not care about women and it hurts me because I believe they can care about us. I hear the words from the men and they ring, large and hollow i