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The appropriate gender has been analysed before.

Thats all rubbish, its all about good genes vs bad genes - eat what you like you are either going to die young or you aren't Reminds me of the joke: http://www.jumbojoke.com/i_rest_my_case.html

You heathens just keep screwing things up worse and worse. Everybody knows that there is only one true periodic table: Fire Earth Air Water

Come on, that's a modification... The real version is actually much funnier (if not as geeky). Nice google search later, and a close approximation is here.

You mean these virgins?

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties -- or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet servers downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm-midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum -- incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver -- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief -- quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected wi

Bufford went on down to Spring City last Saturday night to see what was selling at the Hinker Boys' Auction. Well, they had a parrot there that a rich lady was selling, and Bufford kindly took a likin' to the critter. When the auctioneer brought the bird around for bidding, Bufford asked him, "Charlie, kin that parrot really talk?"

Charley Hinker, the head of the auction house, assured Bufford it could talk and furthermore, it was real smart.

Bufford made up his mind to buy it, pulling all $2,000 out of his savings account just in case. Well, the bidding commenced, and Bufford jumped right in and stayed at it all the way. Several folks were bidding, but when the bids hit about $800, it settled down to a real mean contest between Bufford and someone at the front of the room. Bufford finally won the bid at $1,900 even, though he looked a bit pained as he walked to the auction office to pay for the thing.

When he got ready to pay, Bufford again asked the auctioneer, "Are you sure that parrot kin really talk, Charlie?"

Charlie said, "Bufford, I know that parrot kin talk real well, seein' how it was the parrot that was the one bidding against you."

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I heard this joke, or a variation of it, over a decade ago, now googled and found it here.

Can't wait for an ipod warning to join this lot.

http://www.jumbojoke.com/000348.html

No, wait; they already did "Do not eat iPod Shuffle."