Enter The 'Stupid Patent Tricks' Contest

We've all read about some of the dumber patents issued recently by the United States Patent and Trademark Office [USPTO]. The Slashdot community is full of talent and creativity, so why not come up with our own stupid patent ideas instead of waiting for Amazon or Priceline or some other company to come up with something amusing? First prize is a $50 ThinkGeek Gift Certificate that I am paying for out of my own pocket, and will personally sign. The winner will be chosen on the basis of originality, believability, and humor value. To start things off, I will describe my own personal contribution to the Stupid Patent Pool: Zero Click Shopping.

As you know, Amazon has successfully patented "One Click Shopping," Barnes & Noble is angry about the patent, and Apple has bought into the idea. Such tomfoolery! This concept is no more deserving of a patent than something as basic as, say, the hyperlink.

So I decided to go Amazon one better and invent Zero Click Shopping:

"A method of using javascript or similar technology to produce a series of Web page-displayed images that, when "rolled over" by a customer's mouse in a predetermined order, either causes a purchase to be consummated or causes a series of preselected items to be placed in a single customer-accessible data file so that the customer can purchase all selected items at the same time instead of having to perform a series of separate transactions."

Remember, you saw it here first!

If anyone tries to patent this silly, rather obvious concept from this day forward, you can point them to this article to show that is was instantly obvious to anyone familiar with the "state of the art," which means that this idea should not be patentable.

But nowadays, the head of the USPTO seems to believe that every boneheaded concept deserves patent protection, and that if you don't like a patent, you are supposed to hire a lawyer and take it to court. Gaaah!

So let's take the idea and lampoon it -- minus the legal fees, of course.

Write a patent summary. It can be for anything, as long as it sounds credible and is written in patent-talk or a reasonable parody thereof. Post it here. We'll let the Slashdot moderators decide which ideas have merit (or at least humor value) and which don't.

The Slashdot Authors, acting in all of their usual chaotic glory, will decide which of the highest-moderated pseudo-patents wins the grand prize.

Three Honorable Mention winners will each receive a Slashdot t-shirt from ThinkGeek.

You must be a registered Slashdot user to win. Entries will be accepted until 11:59 p.m. (2359) GMT on Friday, October 13. Winners will be announced on Tuesday, October 16. Judges' decisions are final. (If you don't like them, hold your own contest, okay?) The purpose of this whole thing is to laugh, not to get rule-bound, so post away, have a good time, and may the dumbest... er... best ... idea win!

Comments

Drag-n-Drop Shopping

[booch]

A method for shopping on the World Wide Web whereby the user need not click on the items to be purchased. Instead, icons representing the items to be purchased are dragged into an iconic representation of a shopping cart. When the user is ready to check out, they drag the shopping cart icon to the icon of the checkout register.

Implementation can be done using JavaScript, Dynamic HTML, or various other dynamic web-based technologies.

CHEAP BASTARD!

[Nicolas MONNET]

$50 gift certificate? Man, I dare you, I double, I triple dare YOU to finance the actual registration of the winning patent! *I* would pay $50 as my contribution!!!

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One Handed Food

[Coplan]

A special selection of edible, or semi-edible food products that can be eaten with one hand. This allows the end user to eat such foods while being able to carry out other tasks with the other hand. This technology will allow more people to work throughout their lunch break.

Application for FP

[mwalker]

U.S. Patent Application:

The concept of submitting a message to a Web-Based-Message-Board [1] chronologically before all other submitters is hereby declared to be the proprietary innovation "First Posting". I have reviewed the entire Web to ensure that no prior art exists. The concept of Fist Posting is heretofore my proprietary technique.

Anyone who infringes upon my patent will be sued.

[1] Message boards such as www.slashdot.org.

Multi-scale network Interconnect

[gbnewby]

An integrated system of network devices and physical cabling infrastructure in which each node (e.g. computing device) has a unique network address number. A distributed hierarchical database of paths (routes) between addresses may be used to dynamically determine how to get data from one node to another, based on the existence or speed of available network paths. By utilizing the same infrastructure within an organizational boundary, an entity (e.g., a business or educational institution) may interconnect their internal set of network devices and infrastructure with the outside world. Potential socially beneficial applications for this multi-scale network interconnect include e-commerce and massive direct marketing based on electronic text messages.

• Greg

Biological Lens Intermitent Natural Kovering(tm)

[aidoneus]

Biological Lens Intermitent Natural Kovering(tm) consists of a sytems of organic, naturally synthesized thin tissue membranes, which when operated permit natural remoisturization of an organic lens system. The intermitent nature of this system permits extended periods of visibility without extended periods of dryness or irritation. Using the "BLINK" system, a user may view objects at near unlimited resolution without suffering from redraw effects. Biological Lens Intermitent Natural Kovering may also be used to provide short term shielding of biological lens systems from minor irritants and extremes of brightness.

-Jason

Please Cease and Desist

[haystor]

You are in violation of patent #-683, a patent owned by the company I currently represent. This patent covers the process of online contests whereby entries are posted in a moderated forum to be reviewed by a judge outside the moderation system.

Get them where it really hurts.

[jehreg]

Patent the business process of "patenting".
If they say that business processes cannot be patented, then create a web site that implements the business process of patenting, and patent *that*.

Then sue them for having an internal Intranet system that infringes on your patent.

Re:Get them where it really hurts.

[jcrb]

Why does this remind me of the one about trademarking the letter 'l' and then suing
the number '1' for 'look and feel'

Patent on Gratuitous Recognition Solicitation

[Erasmus Darwin]

Method for soliciting recognition via an exploitation of the memetic tendencies of the geek archetype.

Abstract

A method for soliciting peer recognition (both positive and negative), in the form of commentary (both explicit text-based replies and implicit via ratings of those replies). These goals are accomplished through a number of techniques, including: (1) Exploiting the Linux evangelism meme, (2) Exploiting the Linux distribution evangelism memes, (3) Exploiting the Microsoft bashing meme, (4) Exploiting the gratuitous mention of "Natalie Portman" meme, (5) Exploiting the humorous haiku meme, (6) Exploiting the Napster controversy meme, (7) Exploiting the criticism of JonKatz meme, (8) Exploiting the "I know you're going to mod me down for this" meme, (9) Exploiting the Beowulf meme, (10) Exploiting the redundant story meme, (11) Exploiting the redundant story meme, (12) Exploiting the "CmdrTaco can't spell" meme, (13) Exploiting the "Slashdot Cruiser" meme.

Claims

1) All mindless Linux evangelism and trolling, done solely for the purpose of garnering replies and attention, is covered by this patent. This claim should also be construed to include any and all benchmark data.

2) Any mention of a Linux distribution, by someone who hasn't personally installed and run at least three different distributions, is likewise covered under this patent. Any addition, any mention of Redhat releases that end in ".0" are additionally covered by this claim.

3) Virtually any mention of Microsoft is covered by the claim.

4) All references to "Natalie Portman" that don't revolve around a discussion of her serious work as an actress are covered by this claim. "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" does not count as a serious work and is thus included in the claim.

5)
Any message with
seventeen syllables is
covered by this claim.

6) Virtually any mention of Napster is covered by this claim. This includes references to Metallica, Lars, and Napster-like programs, such as Gnutella and Mojo Nation.

7) While any mentions of JonKatz would logically be covered by the scope of this claim, the claimant is hearby waiving all claims in this area, so that people may still freely bitch about JonKatz.

8) Given the number of highly modded posts with the phrase "I know I'm going to get modded down for this, but...", the claim is made that this is the one guaranteed way in which to shamelessly and indirectly beg for positive moderation. This claim is intended to cover both the practice as well as the subsequent moderation, thus moderators who do not license this patent may only mod down posts containing this phrase.

9) Any and all mentions of building a Beowulf cluster out of Linux boxes, fish, belly-button lint, or any other conceivable item shall be covered by this claim, with the exception of actual Beowulf cluster discussions. The concept of building a Beowulf cluster out of Natalie Portmans shall be covered by both this claim and claim #4, and will also be referred to any relevant medical ethics boards over the issue of human cloning.

10) Any complaints that a story got posted multiple times, while possible accurate, shall still be covered by this claim.

11) Any complaints that a story got posted multiple times, while possible accurate, shall still be covered by this claim.

12) Any criticisms of CmdrTaco's spelling and/or grammar shall be covered by this claim, unless such criticisms are also accompanied by an offer by the critic to serve as an unpaid proofreader for all Slashdot postings.

13) Any mention of the Slashdot Cruiser, with the exception of news related to the contest itself, shall be considered to fall under this claim. The concept of building a Beowulf cluster out of Slashdot Cruisers shall be covered by both this claim and claim #4.

...so, now that I've managed to patent most of trolling and karma whoring, the quality of discussion on Slashdot should improve exponentially.

I'd like to patent...

[TOTKChief]

...the term hacker, and all its variants--elite hacker, 31337 h4X0r, etc. If various news organizations don't stop using the term "hacker" correctly in a sentence, I will send them cease and desist orders--through federal court, if necessary--to have them stop using the term incorrectly! Anyone caught linking to a story about "hackers" without paying me a royalty is also in my debt. Assuming, USPTO is amenable to this, I will then move to patent the term cracker, then maybe the DoS acronym.
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