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Enter The 'Stupid Patent Tricks' Contest
As you know, Amazon has successfully patented "One Click Shopping," Barnes & Noble is angry about the patent, and Apple has bought into the idea. Such tomfoolery! This concept is no more deserving of a patent than something as basic as, say, the hyperlink.
So I decided to go Amazon one better and invent Zero Click Shopping:
"A method of using javascript or similar technology to produce a series of Web page-displayed images that, when "rolled over" by a customer's mouse in a predetermined order, either causes a purchase to be consummated or causes a series of preselected items to be placed in a single customer-accessible data file so that the customer can purchase all selected items at the same time instead of having to perform a series of separate transactions."
Remember, you saw it here first!
If anyone tries to patent this silly, rather obvious concept from this day forward, you can point them to this article to show that is was instantly obvious to anyone familiar with the "state of the art," which means that this idea should not be patentable.
But nowadays, the head of the USPTO seems to believe that every boneheaded concept deserves patent protection, and that if you don't like a patent, you are supposed to hire a lawyer and take it to court. Gaaah!
So let's take the idea and lampoon it -- minus the legal fees, of course.
Write a patent summary. It can be for anything, as long as it sounds credible and is written in patent-talk or a reasonable parody thereof. Post it here. We'll let the Slashdot moderators decide which ideas have merit (or at least humor value) and which don't.
The Slashdot Authors, acting in all of their usual chaotic glory, will decide which of the highest-moderated pseudo-patents wins the grand prize.
Three Honorable Mention winners will each receive a Slashdot t-shirt from ThinkGeek.
You must be a registered Slashdot user to win. Entries will be accepted until 11:59 p.m. (2359) GMT on Friday, October 13. Winners will be announced on Tuesday, October 16. Judges' decisions are final. (If you don't like them, hold your own contest, okay?) The purpose of this whole thing is to laugh, not to get rule-bound, so post away, have a good time, and may the dumbest... er... best ... idea win!
Holy shit, I knew the Starr report would come in handy someday!
I have for quite some time held the patent and all exclusive rights to design, produce and market a handheld nutritional consumption aid, and out of the spirit of generousity and the goodness of my heart, I've elected not to enforce my patent. However, due to recent changes in the economy, I must being inforcing my right to collect a financial reward for my years of toiling research. Handheld nutritional consumption aids, commonly known as "siverware," are now commonplace in America, and indeed in most of the civilized world. Billions of people benefit from my intellectual property each and every day, yet I'm faced with ever-increasing debt, student loans, and a strong desire to consume six bottles of Killian's Irish Red while completing my evil bastard project from hell for my operating systems class. I regret that I must ask for some compensation for my years of hard work, however, I only ask that users of my hand held nutritional consumption aids pay a nominal fee of $.05 American dollars for each day that they use them. This amounts to only $18.25 per individual per calander year, and will allow me to attain a healthy income of roughly $7,000,000,000 per year. This will be used to research new and more effective handheld nutritional consumption aids, and buy me lots of good beer.
Thank you.
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Just lurking, thanks!
Claims: a method for increasing the number of points (karma) awarded to one's on-line persona for submitting material to an on-line, HTML-based message board which is moderated by its general readership, consisting of the following steps:
(1) Creation of a second on-line persona, distinct from the one to which the "karma" is to be awarded.
(2) Posting to the message board using the first on-line persona.
(3) Logging in to the message board using the second on-line persona.
(4) Using the message board's moderation system to rate the post by submitted as the first persona as "informative", "insightful", or "funny".
That system really sounds like a clothes store for crossdressers, or alternatively a pet store where you can buy _really_ big reptiles.
I worked for a client that had designed tools to do EXACTLY that. And they probably already have it patented. So, I don't think your entry can count :-) Big Business has beat you to the punch.
"Doubt your doubts and believe your beliefs." -- Switchfoot, Ode to Chin
Whenever you see a brain dead piece of software design - take a trawl through the Interface Hall of Shame for inspiration - then patent the lousy practice.
Since no one will want to pay our steep royalties to use the lousy ideas then eventually only the intelligent and intuitive software design will remain.
A great idea, huh? Better patent it. .-)
Regards, Ralph.
Regards, Ralph.
You can patent it unless the publication of the idea occured over one year before the filing of the patent. (This alone should have invalidated the RSA patent.)
"Trademarks are the heraldry of the new feudalism."
Damn, it really is hard to come up with a new idea. However, my idea is different, since it uses web technology, and not Windows technology. I guess I have to rename the patent "Web-based Drag-n-Drop Shopping".
Software sucks. Open Source sucks less.
A method using advanced AI and human/computer interface interpretation that will allow users to purchase items they don't even know they want. By extrapolating browsing habits and mouse movements, items are selected and sent to the user, charged to their account, and added to their online profile without any action required by the user.
A legal process, overseen by a single regulatory body, by which inventors, creative individuals and idea-pirating Internet companies can register inventions, methods and other debateably-unique concepts for the purpose of maintaining a monopoly on that particular idea.
-Waldo
(A tip o' the weinerdog to Spax.)
Due to the fragile nature of biological informational nodes, a process is necessary to ensure that data contained within nodes is not permanently lost.
To ensure continuity of data, more nodes are required before the denaturing of the original data carriers, and the data replicated onwards to the new nodes, such that distributed data storage forms a reliable method of ensuring that stored data is not lost, and, if necessary, more new nodes may be spawned to ensure the capacity of the database may expand to support all required data
This patent covers the use of low frequency vibrational movement to induce an exothermic reaction between two biological informational nodes in such a way that information exchange occurs necessary to initiate the creation of one or more new biological nodes with basic operating systems necessary to receive further data from existing data nodes suficient to maintain integrity of the overall system.
word - Eternal Patent 666,666,666 by God Inc. issued by the Heaven's Patent Office.
Due to the constant violation of this patent by milliards of people, we have what we have...
Why not?
Then you can tell all these jack-offs to cough up!
MSBPodcast.com The opinions expressed here are my own. If you don't like 'em... Think up your own stuff.
Why not?
Then you can tell all these jack-offs to couch up!
MSBPodcast.com The opinions expressed here are my own. If you don't like 'em... Think up your own stuff.
I'd pay $50 out of my own pocket, any possibly
up to $200 from the company I own towards the
winner.
Go out and get a buncha people who will commit
to this. I'll even send the money in advance if you want proof.
CMON have some COJONES! It will make CNN and
bring this farce to the public's attention.
System to keep physical objects where they are
placed without relying on mere inertia.
This is done by conducting all business or related operations near a large mass that is specially tuned to create a Grav-I-Tee[tm] field. [The
tuning process to cause the Grav-I-Tee[tm] field is described in a related but seperate patent.]
Inside this field, masses tend to be attracted towards the centre of the large main mass.
When used with other patents (such as Tables[tm], Chairs[tm], Buildings[tm], Floors[tm]), masses, thru static friction caused by the force of their attraction to the main mass against these surfaces, will stay in place far more effectively than relying on mere moments of inertia.
I would like to patent the concept of using protiens to transport a gas through a liquid.
God does not play dice - Einstein
Not only does God play dice, he sometimes throws them where they
Your subsequent patent description violates a pre-existing patent that I have pending. Untill you agree to pay my license fee, you are hereby ordered to C&D making any and all references to my intellectual property.
LK
"Hi. This is my friend, Jack Shit, and you don't know him." - Lord Kano
A means by representing information and commands using the symbols '1' and '0' represented as a measure of electrical voltage.
A method for vaporizing Cocaine Hydroxide, utilizing a blown-glass utensil ("pipe").
A mixture of Cocaine Hydroxide and an extending agent ("base") is placed in the indentation of the device ("bowl") and intense heat is applied to the cocaine mixture ("rock"), thereby vaporizing the the narcotic component, and freeing it from the base. The vapors are then inhaled ("hit") and intoxication ("high") is obtained.
A marketing strategy for use with the device will also be patented, as follows:
The salesman ("dealer") will provide the pipe and a sample of substance ("crack") to the consumer ("crackhead") who will thereby become addicted to the substance and will require more devices ("crack pipes"). Fierce protection of IP rights will be necessary, including the bribing of law enforcement, and turf control.
These devices ("crack pipes") may be particularly useful to weblog ("Slashdot") moderators.
--K
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This is *serious*!
The European Parliament are soon (in November) going to decide whether Europe should change the current patent laws and thereby making software patents a reality in Europe too.
There is a Petition for a Software Patent Free Europe here - please sign it, if you haven't already.
The consultant receives questions from his customer, and then posts the questions to the Internet Oracle, Ask Slashdot, and Usenet newsgroups. Then he retrieves the answers and forwards them to his customer. This reduces expense since the consultants do not need expensive education or expertise with the topic(s).
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As copyright owner of this comment, I authorize everyone to defeat any technological measure which limits access to it.
One Patent:
Completely different innovative patent:
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As copyright owner of this comment, I authorize everyone to defeat any technological measure which limits access to it.
Sometimes when people take paper out of a laser printer, they pick it up in such a way that the print is upside down, and therefore they must take the additional step of turning the paper right-side-up before they can read it.
My innovative apparatus is an electronic digital computer with a central processing unit, some RAM, a ROM containing some software, and two printer ports. One of the apparatus' printer ports is plugged into the output printer port of an electronic digital computer that is used to generate documents. When the document computer outputs a document through it's port, this apparatus renders the document onto a bitmap stored in it's RAM. Then it reads the bitmap starting at the bottom, working its way up, and sends this through its second printer port, to a laser printer. This results in the document being printed upside-down, so that when the user picks up the paper upside-down, the documents appears right-side-up, eliminating the laborous extra step of having to turn the paper over before being able to read it.
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As copyright owner of this comment, I authorize everyone to defeat any technological measure which limits access to it.
This innovative process allows legacy computers which lack network adapters, to become linked to one another and even access the World Wide Web for shopping purposes. IP datagrams are encoded into a 36-value character set (0-9, A-Z) and then fragmented into 72-byte subpackets. The subpackets are sent to a card puncher that writes the subpackets to a card.
The cards are then transfered, by whatever means are convenient, to a second electronic digital computer that contains a card reader. The cards are read to form subpackets, which are then reassembled to form IP datagrams, which can then be routed to their destination.
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As copyright owner of this comment, I authorize everyone to defeat any technological measure which limits access to it.
Patent, using obfuscated language such as to discourage people from discovering Prior Art, the Blink Tag. Charge people to use it, and maybe they'll stop. :)
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Given enough personal experience, all stereotypes are shallow.
The user is presented via the network with a menu of available options, represented via graphical icons or images. Each image is unique and presents a distinct user-selected option for preceding to further areas or operations of a web site.
The user manipulates a pointing device of the client computer to move the mouse pointer to their choice of menu option. Upon the mouse pointer entering the pixelspace of a particular graphical image, the image changes to an altered image yet similar image, indicating the image option under the cursor is the option presently under user consideration and also indicating that the image is a viable user choice, distinguishing it from other non-interactive images which do not comprise of valid menu options. If the user has decided that the specific menu option represented by the below-mouse image is their desired choice, he or she depresses and releases the primary mouse button quickly and the choice is registered, via the network, with the server.
This patent describes a method of alternate word spellings to increase the leetness of what is being said and, by associating, the person who has typed it.
Single character substitutions may be made at any point as follows
substrings:
a => 4
i => !,|
e => 3,=
l => 1
o => 0
s => $
t => +,7
c => k
k => c
String subtitutions may be made at any time as follows:
ate => 8
you => u
f => ph
Punctuation within the body of a sentence can and should be ignored if possible. Punctuation at the end of the sentence should be repeated for extended effect. In addition, the unshifted key used for typing a punctuation mark can be used in that mark's place.
Miscellanous
The word "I" may be replaced with "eye".
Silent letters may be dropped or replaced with other silent letters.
Common acronym interjections, such as LOL, ROFL, WTF, OMG, etc. are the prefered way of expressing emotions such as suprising, elation, amusement, etc.
The prefix k- can be added to any adjective or adverb.
Capitalization is entirely up to the typist.
Thus can a normally bland sentence, such as "Now I know how to type well!" can be transformed into the more effectively leet phrase "0MG n0w eye gN0 h0w +o +yp3 k-W=11!!!!1!!". Well-executed translations like this will mark the typist as a truly ph33rs0me individually far to leet to ignore.
I definitly think we should definitly try and register the wining patent to see how ridiculous things are getting.
"When I was a little kid my mother told me not to stare into the sun...
"If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear"
"A method and system for making a purchase via the Internet. A computer system (client) or similar technology receives a series of Web pages detailing information about products and services produced on the fly by another computer system (server) or similar technology, such that these products or services may be purchased or more information about these products or services may be displayed. The server system receives purchaser information including identification of the purchaser, payment information, and shipment information from the client system. The server system sends to the client system an HTML document identifying the item and including an order button. The client system receives and displays the HTML document. In response to the selection of the order button, the client system sends to the server system a request to purchase the identified item. The server system receives the request from the client system and generates an order to purchase the item in accordance with the billing and shipment information whereby the purchaser effects the ordering of the product by selection of the order button. "
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- Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set him on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.
I think Dogbert came up with Zero Click Shopping first. Something along the lines of "If you don't click your mouse button, I'll charge you".
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"Oppression and harassment is a small price to pay to live in the land of the free." -- Montgomery Burns.
Define a "click", though? I believe this to already be patented by Amazon's 1-click shopping patent. If only 1 click is involved, you may run into trouble. I thought about doing what I would consider "half-click shopping", where the user is only required to press down on the mouse to purchase an item (and if they let up, then Amazon is THIER problem, not mine) but all definitions for "click" I could find did not specify pressing both down, and then up.
You could also do "21+N*1 click shopping". 21 clicks total are required to activate the 21+N*1-click shopping feature for that user, and after that, they can click once on the item they want and it will be sent to their door. N being the number of items they choose to purchase using this feature...
This patent covers the latest innovation in supplying the corporate consumer with an Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerce Syxtem (tm) (c) (pat pending).
iSection 1) The power supply for the Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerce Syxterm (tm) (c) (pat pending) for shall consist of a large tub of water above which rests a pTurbine attached to an electrical generator.
iSection 2) Trained iOperators (preferably ones with a MSCE) shall aim their iPotatoGuns at the tub of water and repeatedly fire. Repeated bombardment shall cause the temperature of the eTub to increase. As the eTub's temperature rises high enough, steam will start to form and rise upward. This steam shall cause the pTurbine to rotate in a Mission Critical manner, causing eLectricity to be generated which can be used to power the Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerce Syxtem (tm) (c) (pat pending).
iSection 3) The Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerse Syxtem (tm) (c) (pat pending)'s pTurbine (situated above the eTub as stated in iSection 1) will lead directly into an e-Computer's pPower Supply.
iSection 4) The Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerce Syxtem (tm) (c) (pat pending) shall run any iDeployment of an eCommerce web server. (Note: this patent does not cover such concepts as "Electronic Commerce", "Online Purchasing", only "eCommerce".)
iSection 5) The Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerce Syxtem (tm) (c) (pat pending) shall utilise a unique, branded, Synergistically iDeveloped 3 CLICK eCommerce and Purchasing mEthodology, whereby any user who has clicked his or her pointing device at least 3 times within 5 mintes prior to ePurchasing (commencing in eCommerce with the iCorporation utilising the Corporate Executive Mission Critical iPotatoGun XGenerator Powered eCommerce Syxterm (tm) (c) (pat pending)) any goods or services.
iSection 6) There is no iSection 6.
You're a suburbanite.
Applied for by Hemos, et al.
Wherein this patent is applied for, herein defining a method of determining the relative coolness of a person using a system hereafter referred to as karma.
The mechanism uses a community made up mostly of clueless Linux zealots and anti-everything "rebels" to assign points to comments made by users, thereby raising or lowering their karma.
Next week: Sig11 applies for a patent on karma whoring and an AC sues, claiming it a violation of the karma limit patent!
=RISCy Business
your company here.
your company here.
shelby != ford
Multiple-Click Stopping: Same as One-Click but with enhanced entertainment value by requiring multiple clicks to stop the transaction. The moving image may lost parts, change direction, or have other interactive reaction to the clicks.
Seven techniques are claimed for enhancing individual scores under any credibility metric of any electronic forum. Credibility metric is defined as any means of measuring and ranking the credibility of the participants of an electronic forum. Electronic forum is defined as any computer system that allows the posting, archival, and retrieval of messages of one or more users.
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NOTE: Prior Art created by myself three days before Roblimo's post.
A system where participants are asked to develop patentable systems for the purpose of creating prior art for parodying the existing patent system and/or invalidating subsequent patents where:
(1) Patentable systems are publicly posted and available to third parties without access restrictions.
(2) Enticement to post patentable systems may be encouraged by means of contest.
(3) Scoring of patentable systems may be made by a random moderation system of registered users of the system.
(4) Meta-moderation of such moderation may also be performed by a moderation system with random and voluntary participation by registered users.
(5) A pre-selected panel of implementors may choose between the most highly moderated systems in order to bestow a reward based on originality (or lack thereof), believability (or lack thereof), and humor value (or lack thereof).
(6) Systems related to "Zero Click Shopping" may be moderated down to a score of (-1, Redundant).
(7) Systems related to the exciting "First Post Technology" may be moderated randomly.
(8) Systems related to a system for creation of prior art may be moderated as (5, Insightful).
I'm sorry, Roblimo. But I patented your contest just days before it happened. I demand you remove this contest IMMEDIATELY or legal action may be taken against you, Slashdot, Andover, and/or the Open Source Development Network.
"A method of taking a widely used activity (including, but not limited to: walking, banking, or listening to answering machine messages), and adding the synergistic effect of an electronic and/or online component in order to create a novel idea which is patentable."
The real kicker for this patent is that if it was actually granted, it could put an end to more of those silly e-commerce patents being granted. Well, at least, without the owner of this patent being the part owner of subsequent e-commerce patents.
Stupid Patent Pool Submission: "Slashdot Effect"
"A method of harnessing the collective click streams by harvesting the eyeballs of a devoted interest group in order to provide a positive reward stream to media outlets which provide stories of value to said interest group. The reward stream is generated by the number of advertising impressions generated by the volumatic traffic, and the innevitable and accidental click-throughs to said advertisements."
Scary. It could actually make money. (1-900-FAX-PORN or 1-900-PORN-FAX I suppose.)
"A novel delivery method by which a user may subscribe to USENET Newsgroups, and said newsgroups are delivered to the user by FAX, either on a per-article basis, or by daily summary. Features include, but are not limited to, automatic extraction and conversion to FAX format of images that are normaly represented as encoded ASCII data."
That's right! Get a subscription to alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.spanking" sent right to your boss' FAX machine.
A real-world method by which the World Wide Web is fully accessable to users without the aid of computer access where (1) The user is sent a form in the mail requesting a starting URL via scan-tron type alpha-numeric bubbles and (2) the user sends the form back to the service via self-addressed stamped envelope and (3) the service processes the user data and sends the user back a form with the URL requested where (4) the form is annotated with numbers representing links that can be clicked and number representing form fields that can be filled out in a scan-tron type alpha-number method where (5) the user fills in the appropriate bubble to select the link or (6) completed the form data and selects the link appropriate to the submission button where (7) the user sends the completed form back to the service where the procedure is then repeated starting at step 3.
That's right. "The ultimate in offline Internet access."
This is a method where people can surf the web via snail-mail and scantron bubbles.
You're not thinking far enough into the future! Shopping will change drasticly as voice recognition dominates the market. Therefore, I suggest a patent that claims a patent over shopping sites that accept voice input. No matter how many times the user speaks, my patent will cover it. Shopping by voice is hereby patented by me.
I'm also going to patent one "glance" shopping, where you merely look at sections of the screen to buy things. People that want to implement shopping sites where it's user's vision is monitored in order to make purchases, you'll have to pay me 50% of your royalties!!!
The next site to slashdot will be ready soon, but subscribers can beat the rush and start slashdotting it early!
I have invented a new business plan that resembles the internet loss-leader model, but works in the brick-and-asphalt world.
The concept is simple; provide a service, namely instant unsolicited lavage of vehicular ports during brief periods of cessation. It is important to provide your own materials to do this -- thus the resemblance to the loss-leader model -- so that you can control the quality of the service. Depending upon customer temperment, you should either begin with a high quality service (and thus expect compensation), or a low quality service (afterwhich the customer will demand a high quality service, which you only provide after compensation).
The only start-up equipment needed is a bucket of water, a squeegee, and a street corner with a stoplight. Watch the income roll in!
Genocide Man -- Life is funny. Death is funnier. Mass murder can be hilarious.
A series of signals sent between parties, which allow the transfer of information. These can be transmitted via audible, visible or tactile methods. Means of communication via scent and taste are currently in development.
Think different? I'd be happy if most people would just think...
METHOD OF TRANSFERING ENERGY BETWEEN COHABITATING ORGANIC GROUPS
ABSTRACT
A method for transfering essential energy between groups of cohabitating organic material consists of an initial energy source whereby through radiation facilitates one group of organic material (primary group) infused with a forrest colored substance to sustain other cohabitating groups of organic materials (secondary group). The secondary group uses an oraface to intake the energy offered by the primay group.
Mother Nature will hear from my lawyers...
-- iCEBaLM
This process distributes moderator points to worthy members of an online community. When given access, the member will audit threads and posts in one or many conversations of a web-based bulletin board.
The audit process consists in attributing positive or negative traits to a post which add or increase the weight of these posts. Readers of the messages apply a special filter (covered in USPTO 313370031337) that filters out messages not reaching the desired threshold.
A secondary process allows the revision of past moderations so that incorrect moderation can be reviewed and undone.
Finally the 'worthiness' of members is evaluated by computing the totals of moderations, including reversed ones into a positive/negative scale. Those members that cross the first treshold are allowed onto the moderator pool. A second, higher threshold increases the initial weight of the member's post.
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Vote Inanimate Carbon Rod in 2000
Biological optical character recognition.
How about something a little more obscure, like the chemical reactions involved in vision? Or maybe "A (any) process for the conversion of ADP to ATP."
The stupid patent generator will be targeted to large companies looking to patent anything they can before someone else does. The generator functions by using a large database of some existing patents and a whole lot of dumb ideas. The MySQL string (which I have also patented) used to perform this does so by fragmenting the existing patents and combining parts from the Dumb ideas table. End result is a new patent idea that is both stupid and possibly effective at creating lawsuits that will jam up the corts years.
Small Print
All patents generated by the "Stupid Patent Generator" will thereby become patented property of Stupid Patent Generator Inc. and it's respective owners
Trying to be different, just like everyone else.
Here wo go:
Method for creating a new universe from a singularity
Abstract:
A method for starting a new UNIVERSE from a singularity which will cause apparent irregular expansion and development into astronomic bodies and features such as PULSARS, QUASARS, GALAXIES, GALAXY CLUSTERS, NEBULA, NOVA, SUPERNOVA, STARS (SINGULAR and BINARY), STAR SYSTEMS, PLANETS, MOONS, COMETS, ASTEROIDS, BLACK HOLES radiating energy for an indefinite period of TIME then possibly expiring due to absolute conversion of MATTER to HEAT and/or constriction into a similar singularity.
Using a galactic singularity (a point of infintismally small size, w/o immediately measurable dimension or mass) to manufacture a UNIVERSE (application 1). The UNIVERSE is created by gathering all known matter into a singularity. Then, the singularity is explosively destroyed, spreading all gathered matter in all directions at a near infinite variety of velocities. Lighter matter is cast farther away from the singularity.
This UNIVERSE will also define physical limitations and expectations as it grows. Currently, said UNIVERSE may or may not reach an outer limit of expansion. Further, the UNIVERSE may, at some future point, return to a state of singularity.
As the universe expands, energy radiation (radio, infrared, light, ultraviolet and other 'cosmic' transmissions) will vary from point to point. As matter travels away from a stationary point (though all matter in this universe travels along a variety of axis) said radiations will appear to be lower in frequency. As matter approaches, it will appear to be higher in frequency. This is, within the realms of the present point of observation (the collective derivative work PLANET, separately documented) is the LOW/HIGH SHIFTY THINGY EFFECT (application 1, addendum BS).
As the UNIVERSE expands and (potentially) contracts, matter distribution is likely to be unevenly distributed as observed from any single stationary point. This however, is not likely to be a case, and an intentional design consideration (a.k.a BUG, sub derivative of derivative work PLANET). Energy from other portions of the UNIVERSE has been limited to appox. 299,792 KILOMETERS per SECOND (sub works of DISTANCE and TIME, both derivative of both PLANET and UNIVERSE) in the visible light spectrum. Other energy radiations have WAVELENGTH (1, addendum DA) variances, but are currently speed constant.
Said energy transmissions will carry meaningful data about other portions of the UNIVERSE, including, but not limited to PULSARS, QUASARS, GALAXIES, GALAXY CLUSTERS, NEBULA, NOVA, SUPERNOVA, STARS (SINGULAR and BINARY), STAR SYSTEMS, PLANETS, MOONS, COMETS, ASTEROIDS, BLACK HOLES (applications 4-16 respective) and other particulate matter LIGHT and DARK (applications 2 and 3). Finally, the UNIVERSE exists largely by converting matter into HEAT. It is a design consideration that said UNIVERSE may cease operation after all matter has been converted to HEAT.
A DINING FACILITY (application 13, addendum ADAMS) may or may not exist near the point at which the UNIVERSE (potentially) returns to singularity.
--Humpty Dumpty was pushed!
A method of keeping obvious ideas to oneself for financial gain, without needing to protect a trade secret. An application is filed for said patent with the United States Patent and Trademark Office, who will then approve said patent regardless of obviousness. Henceforth, Patentee has the exclusive right to an obvious idea, barring intervention by another party in a court of law, whereupon we spend more money than aformentioned third party in court such that our patent remains.
In english: We're patenting filing obvious patents. We're also patenting outspending our opponents in court.
Q:Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A:All my autopsies have been performed on dead peop
By maniupulating the mouse's roller wheel(if available), you can shop for whatever items you want. Shopping is 1 roll away!
If you're going to have a planet that's the same density as this one, you're going to have a problem with us living on it. Our planet (Sol, Terra, Earth, Third big rock from the sun) is about 8,000 miles in diameter, therefore about 25,000 miles in circumference.
Let's see. 3 times the diameter, so 27 times the volume? Gravity would be 9 times as big? It's been a long time since my last physics class, so someone correct me here. I don't relish weighing a ton.
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Looking for a job
In memory of Amazon's Affiliate Program patent...
Patent application for the practice of transacting rectangular paper items with pecuniary value. Such items were produced and manufactured by the laborious and painstaking research on behalf of the aforementioned company. In the event that other parties would, in the future, wish to license the process of transaction of these monetary bills, a per-transaction fee will be issued, which in turn will also warrant an additional fee.
Pr0n Screen: A combination of motion sensors, voice recognition devices and specialized software that are hooked up to your computer and automatically pull up the most current office newsletter or stock charts whenever someone else enters the room, thereby allowing the user to surf pr0n at work without constantly looking over their shoulder. Users could also optionally upgrade to have Pr0n Screen automatically switch from pr0n soundtracks on .avi's and such to any number of other wholesome tunes*.
.wav, .mp3, or other digital music.]
[* These songs would be provided by the user. Pr0n Screen would not be held responsible for any copyright infringement incurred by the use of any
The Divine Creatrix in a Mortal Shell that stays Crunchy in Milk
The House Between - Original Sci-Fi Series
That is just the general case of my foodservice innovation - the Spaghetti Burrito.
The problem:
Italian food - especially pasta - is delicious and healthy. In older times, we could simply sit down and enjoy a healthy meal. But these days, in the After Ford era, we don't have that luxury. Since our only source of nourishment is limited to a choice of fast food chains, we have to settle for burgers, pseudo-Mexican food, or various arrangements of extruded chicken parts.
The solution:
The answer is the Spaghetti Burrito. It is a generous helping of pasta and tangy sauce rolled into a flour burrito shell. It can be eaten in one hand. Properly wrapped, it won't leak or tear.
The details:
The Spaghetti Burrito is prepared from pasta, sauce, and the shell. It is flash-frozen and packaged for foodservice distribution. At the restaurant, it is kept frozen until needed. Cooking is simply a matter of dropping into a deep-fry vat until golden brown.
Is this a winner or what?
A dingo ate my sig...
This document describes the business method on creating a knowledgeable management team in a corporation using Darwinian processses: 'Survival of the less stupid'.
Process Flow:
- Manager A is faced with issue for which he is responsible.
- Knowledgeable employee B is under direct management of manager A.
- Manager A tells knowledgeable employee B to offer multiple options on resolving issue.
- Knowledgeable employee B works out one perfect solution (option 1), and two stupid alternatives (options 2 and 3), presents them to manager A.
- Manager A picks a solution
option 1) Good solution -> company does well. Re-iterate process.
option 2 or 3) Stupid solution -> company does bad. Fire manager A, promote dumb employee C to management level, re-iterate.
Continuous iteration of this process will eventually lead to managers picking only option 1, which results in a company that IPO's bigtime -> knowledgeable employee B gets loaded with stock-options.
Okay... I'll do the stupid things first, then you shy people follow.
Okay... I'll do the stupid things first, then you shy people follow.
[Zappa]
Wherein one person (Party A) contacts the second person (Party B) by some means of communication, including, but not limited to sound waves, written communication, electronic communication, or any combination thereof (e.g. Voice over IP).
Upon contacting Party B, Party A then communicates the phrase "Wasssaaaap!"
General Relativity: Space-time tells matter where to go; Matter tells space-time what shape to be.
Send more than one spacecraft with different computers and software designs to do the same mission so that if one catastrophically fails, the other will take a few extra pictures before it does.
- Michael T. Babcock (Yes, I blog)
Notice:
Approval for Patent #4566345345
Title: Hierarchical Binary-Tree Sales Structure
We invented the pyramid scheme first. Amway, Shaklee, Nu-Skin, and myriad vitamin companies may have unwittingly been using OUR patented sales structure for the last 40 years, but we are now ready to defend OUR legally obtained patent as approved by the USPTO. Cease and desist letters are already in the mail. All pyramid scheme and MLM companies will know fear and cower before our patent! Cease & desist now or flee like the dogs that you are!
They call me the working man. I guess that's what I am.
Oh man, you're way too late. Al Gore invented that a LONG time ago.
A method by which items are delivered to the consumer prior to being ordered, or ever actually even wanted. The consumer is then responsible for returning the merchandise if it is not desired, at their own expense of course. As expected, even though the product has been unsolicited by the consumer, all intellectual property rights to the product remain sole property of the company, including it's physical ocnstruction, and the product may not be reverse engineered in any way.
Wait a second, this MAY have been done already....
---There is no spoon....---
How many times have you had to format your hard drive due to a Winblows crash? Sick of having to click "Yes, I'm sure I want to erase my hard drive" style messages? Well, click no more (er, a little less), now with one click, your hard drive can be reformatted to any of various partition types! No annoying confirmation dialogs, no obnoxious warnings, just click and format.
Now being licensed by MightyE.org! You read it there first!
Slay a dragon... over lunch!
I wish to patent R2R sales (Residence to Residence) sales. R2R transactions are performed by the use of a salesperson (hereafter referred to as 'Agent') visiting the residence of a potential customer (to be known as the 'Client') and engaging in the attempt to sell goods/services (known as the 'transaction').
In a typical R2R transaction, an agent will first engage the client in a series of 'hand-shake' interactions. Using a question-response protocol, the agent will ascertain the current status of the client, the physiological status of the client, and the clients willingness to, for example, have a carpet that shines as it did when it was new.
Following the 'hand-shake', the agent will transfer a block of information about the goods/services that he/she is offering. This transfer of information (known colloquilly as 'the pitch') will use a simple XOR error-correction protocol (in the form of questions/response sessions mid pitch) to determine that the client is still responding (example: 'You don't want a dirty carpet, do you?').
Following the transfer, the agent will begin another series of transactions with the client to ascertain readiness to take delivery of the R2R goods/services. Following a succesful negotiation during this communication, the transaction will complete with one final 'handshake' protocol interaction.
I affirm that I believe the above interaction (to be known as R2R Transactions or 'Door to door sales') to be unique and without precedent.
Slashdot should really make an extra allowance of moderation points and update the message to request moderators use them on this topic.
= -
There are a lot of good, good idea wallowing in +1 or +2 despair because moderators stopped after the usual 50 or so posts and have moved on to new topics.
This is a much too popular topic for standard moderation rules (700+ posts and it isn't even one of those major troll fests).
In fact, I will be flat out fricking flabbergasted if this post right here gets moderated...up or down.
Someone wanna prove me wrong and prove that moderators are still sticking it out and giving good posts a chance at the judges eyes?
- JoeShmoe
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-- I wonder which will go down in history as the bigger failure: the War on Drugs or the War on Filesharing
Bah, I deliberately did a text search for "slashdot effect" before I made my post and here it is already as "/. effect".
= -
Hrm, well just FYI I wasn't intending to rip you off, although I did do a more patent-esque explanation than you.
- JoeShmoe
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-- I wonder which will go down in history as the bigger failure: the War on Drugs or the War on Filesharing
"A method or process that uses web communications protocols (aka "HTML or PHP or ASP or perl") to submit a news article containing a hyperlink with the web address of a competing company's website, so that when said link is submitted to high traffic news sites (aka "Slashdot.org") it will cause thousands of user clients (aka "readers") to follow said link and cause the competing company's website to be knocked offline by a high volume and completely legal distributed high traffic flood (aka "the Slashdot effect").
= -
- JoeShmoe
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-- I wonder which will go down in history as the bigger failure: the War on Drugs or the War on Filesharing
Idea: Patent Patents.
"The process of protecting an item from
unauthorized use wherefor is thus to be
implemented by a governmental office. Refer
to Diagram 1a.456 for the procedural method.
-- Begin Diagram 1a.465:
[Patent]<[Everyday]<[Stupid]
[Office]<[Joe ]<[Idea]
-- End Diagram 1a.456
"
Contributors: Sin@irc.slashnet.org,
shaldannon@irc.slashnet.org,
windex@irc.slashnet.org (of course),
MrFalcon@irc.slashnet.org
P.S. We would like the $50 to go to the EFF. =)
But t-shirts are cool.
SlideShow A method that allows a computer user to view screens of information ("slides") without interacting with the computer via keyboard, mouse or by any other means.
The slides can be shown consecutively or in a random fashion.
The set of all slides shown in a certain fashion will be called "slideshow".
The slideshow can repeat itself indefinitely or a set amount of times.
The user indicates which slides will be included in the slide show.
The user also indicates when the slide show will start.
The user is responsible of setting up the medium that will transmit the slideshow, be it a TV, LCD screen or CRT computer monitor.
This patent does not propose any method to create the slides.
This patent does not deal with the problem of printing any of the slides composing the slideshow nor any solution to transmit the slideshow to others using electronic means.
It can be implemented as a function of a executable application or using web browser scripting languages.
p.s. Yes, there's prior art available but who's gonna notice, certainly not the patent examiners.
"All the things one has forgotten scream for help in dreams". Elias Canetti
A device that can be used to store information in such a way that it will not be readable afterwards. The device works by connecting pins to it and sending information that will be written to it. The clever part is that it is totally secure in that it is impossible for an intruder to have access to the data.
... In general any object that doesn't allow to read the information you write to it is considered WOM and should be licensed by me.
Examples of WOM are wooden sticks, raw pieces of plastics, glass, or other material,
Opus: the Swiss army knife of audio codec
Unfortunatly (well, fortunatly), I've got prior art for you!
Opus: the Swiss army knife of audio codec
For 0-bit lossless compression...
I compress with "delete" and decompress with "undelete". I still have a couple minor glitches to figure out, but they are mostly implementation details that cause problems when the disk is almost full. Anyway, I'll apply for a patent right now!
Opus: the Swiss army knife of audio codec
A method by which the complete works of the author William Shakespeare ("Works") may be reproduced using only simians ("Monkeys"), typewriters ("Typewriters"), and an infinite amount of time ("Time").
The method for reproducing the Works can be summarized as follows. The physical components required for reproducing the Works are Monkeys and Typewriters. A certain number of Monkeys is introduced into the process. This number shall be equal to infinity. An equal number of Typewriters are then introduced into the process. Thus, the process contains an infinitude of both Monkeys and Typewriters. Given these components, the process shall continue for a certain amount of Time. This amount of Time shall equal infinity. At the end of this Time, the Works will have been reproduced.
An exhaustive search for previous art was done by a team of lawyers ("Babboons"), and it was found that no previous process has been demonstrated that successfully reproduced the Works using only Monkeys and Typewriters.
Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.
The Zero-Knowledge shopping system (known hereafter as "God") is a customer-(known here after as "peon") oriented system designed to simplify the tricky process of buying products (known hereafter as "crap") online. God tracks His peons online, and He decides what crap they need. When the peons give God their credit card numbers, He bills them for the crap and sends it to their address (which, of course, He knows).
Prior art:
None. God is so original that nobody could have ever had the sheer genius necessary to think of something like this.
~=Keelor
I have a current list of offenders who I will shortly be taking to court. The list consists of the following:
Amazon: Charging different customers different prices for the same DVD as part of a "test" program.
RealPlayer: For secretly tracking the usage of their products, invading their customers' privacy
Microsoft: For Win3.1, Win95, Win98, WinME...... the list is actually too long, but most significantly for removing OEM cd's from computers, replacing them with recovery cds
LinkExchange: For trying to discover absolutely everything about everybody, whether they like it or not.
AT&T: For trying to charge businesses for using their backbones for commerce.
Metallica: Alienating their number one fans
Various Movie/TV Companies: For shutting down fan sites and alienating their biggest fans. Sure, smack down the people who love you the most.
George Lucas: For Episode I. 'Nuff Sed.
As you can see, this has thousands of uses and the list grows everyday. Muhahahah! This patent also includes stupid patents, such as one-click and patenting the hyperlink. You're aaaalllllll mine!
perhaps it would not stand up in court. But assuming that they don't actually check everywhere, or they don't actually review it, it certainly can be patented.
t
A means by which legal rights are assigned to an individual or corporation for an idea, process or invention. Said rights would entitle the owner to exclusivity on said idea, process or invention for a predetermined span of time. Infringement on said idea, process or invention would result in monetary recompense or legal recourse.
Follow-up patent: the process by which said rights are submitted for determination. Would Include a listing of said rights in a large institution for use in enforcement via legal proceedings. Said institution could be called a "patent office".
Wood Shavings!
Wood Shavings!
- Godai
http:/ /st ore.artisanent.com/cgi-bin/storeartisan/bwstore/fl ash/index.html
------
WWhhaatt ddooeess dduupplleexx mmeeaann??
This sig intentionally left justified.
Method for creation of creation of carbon dioxide in which a human being, equipped with "Lungs" (Patent pending) is capable of drawing oxygen-enriched gas from the atmosphere inside his body, and afterwards expelling carbon dioxide
----
ADVENTURERS! - ANTIHERO FOR HIRE - CARDMASTER CONFLICT
This method shares the advantage of aerobreaking in that this orbit can be achieved with no expenditure of rocket propellent. It will generally be required to structurally strengthen the satellite to withstand the stress of the lithobraking manouver. The lithobraking stress can be reduced by applying conventional rocket thrust prior to the manouver to reduce the lithobraking delta-v.
This method is also applicable for the Earth, allowing precise location of low altitude geostationary communications satellites almost anywhere in the world, although line-of-sight restrictions may limit the useful range of such satellites.
Quattuor res in hoc mundo sanctae sunt: libri, liberi, libertas et liberalitas.
By this statement, we mean to describe a means of item selection via the combined use of a cursor movement device (the "pointer") and an electromechanical switch (the "selector"). The intent is that a computer operator may move a spatial positioning indicator (the "cursor") freely around on an electronic display, by use of the pointer. Several user-configurable pictographs ("icons") may be placed on this display, each one symbolising a function or application on the device attached to the display (the "computer").
When the cursor's position coincides with that of one of the icons, the selector may be engaged to activate the function assigned to that icon.
---
There. I've just created a patent framework for using a mouse (trackball, light-pen, etc.)
"People who do stupid things with hazardous materials often die." -- Jim Davidson on alt.folklore.urban
I intend to patent the process by which any aerobic living organism, possessing a willful soul, is purposely transposed from the state of functionality to an inanimate state, by that organisms soleful wish and execution, or suicide in layman's terms. Any animate being that that sucessfully executes a plan of events that forfeits that being's life shall relinquish their entire estate of assets, body, and soul to my corporation. Such steps include:
* Any use of firearms, legal or illegal
* Any use of a motor vehicle, regardless of subject being inside or outside the vehicle
* Any use of medicinal aids or controlled substances, especially in combination with alcohol
* Any use of legal goods that are socially acceptable, but still cause bodily harm
* Any use of personal sexual items upon any cavity found on the subject's being
* Any use of computer hardware being bashed over the subject's head or posterior
* Any use of farm animals falling from the top of large (being at least 20' high) barns onto the subject's head or posterior
* Any use of the combination of duct tape, vodka, and pressurized air on the subject's anal cavity
* Any use of an elderly (being of at least 50 years of age) person as a weapon in club-like fashion
* Any other uses not covered herewithin would still forfeit your posessions to my corporation
Too many lazy moderators, etc. Once a post is up to Score 5, everyone will go home, and read the next story, ignoring the 200+ other submissions. My vote that the sid #4 post will win, just because it's so high on the list. :)
Anyone attempting to develop a Left Handed Coffee Cup or designing technology designed to duplicate the function of the left handed coffee cup without the proper license will be hunted down like dogs(like reverse engineering a right handed coffee cup - that's a no no) and they will feel the full wrath of my lawyers.
This is my patent.
----------
ah honey, we're all resplendent - Bill Mallonee
This is easily done in Flash.
Here is a demo of the concept in action. Drag the items (a,b,c,d) to the cart and the price and quantities will be updated.
-gerbik
By the creator of Dilbert. I'm pretty sure I saw zero-click shopping in a Dilbert strip somewhere...
--
Peace,
Lord Omlette
ICQ# 77863057
[o]_O
Have you ever read a patenet? The more *claims* the better. Also, you need to word your claims such that they will be incomprehensible to normal human beings. That way, they will rubber-stamp the patent rather than drive themselves insane trying to figure out what you really mean. Allow me to demonstrate:
Claim 1: In a cocaine delivery system, where the drug (cocaine) is mixed with other substances.
Claim 2: In said cocaine delivery system mentioned in claim 1, where the ingrediants mixed are baking soda, water, or any other ingrediants. Notwithstanding claims on mixing of baking soda and water, also any other substance, mixed with said drug (cocaine) and baked.
Claim 3: In a drug mixture, the application of heat to the drug or a mixture of the drug and some other substance.
Claim 4: The formation of a solid substrate aggregate of cocaine and other substances as described in prior claims (see claims 1 through 3) and the breaking of said solid substrate into cubes or any other regular geometric solid, or any irregular geometric solid smaller than the original aggregate solid.
Claim 5: Subsequent application of heat to the aggregate and/or chunks of said aggregate in a glass vessel using any method of heating to include (but not restricted to) lighters, matches, blow torches, candles, or other sources of heat.
Claim 6: Inhalation of vapors arising from subsequent heating of said aggregate in said glass vessel, and implements used to enhance, concentrate or facilitte the inhalation of said vapors.
For all intensive purposes, "whom" is no longer a word. That begs the question, "who cares"?
It's always wise to check for prior art, you might usefully look in the Gallery of Obscure Patents before submitting ideas to Slashdot. My favo(u)rite is: Method of Exercising a Cat
While it is usually desirable to make precise copies, at times imprecise copies have their advantages. This patent focuses on making imprecise copies by combining design information from two templates, each of which are assumed to have been copied by prior application of this same process.
This process is enabled by having each item carry redundant design information for each aspect. On each aspect of construction, an arbitrary function of the two copies of design information may be used, ranging from exclusive use of one copy to complete merging of both copies. The imprecise copy is made by using one copy of each design aspect from each template, and merging all of these design materials for the new copy.
In practice, one template will form the host for the new copy, and the other template will contribute design information. Since the construction of the new copy may be a lengthy process, both templates are optimally required for the duration.
In a preferred embodiment, at least the beginning of this process is pleasurable to both templates. Also in a preferred embodiment the continued association of templates is considered beneficial to all parties involved. In the most preferred embodiment, the copy eventually assumes independent function, and ultimately continues the process, providing the first templates with yet another copy to fuss over, and hand back when it messes itself.
The living have better things to do than to continue hating the dead.
Application for a patent on distributed software development:
A business method in which the business operator begins development of a programming effort, and then freely distributes the code under a license requiring that source code be made available with any derived works. This gives legal recourse if a competitor attempts to market the product as their own proprietary product. The original developer's status as project manager should be sufficient to retain control of the project, while volunteers assume the bulk of the development effort. These expert volunteers derive their compensation by having input on the project, and being able to freely use the product, due to the aforementioned license, which requires that source code be left open and freely distributed along with the product. The original developer is left in an optimal position for selling services and support related to the product to the common user.
WARNING: there is a trojan on your
(I'm sure to get this one, as the USPTO has obviously never heard of it. Unconvinced? Download this file, unzip it, and skip to the description at the very end. (Warning: the file is approximately 2 megs.))
--
--
We have fought the AC's, and they have won.
Fight Spammers!
OK, here goes then:
Credit-limit Thrash Anti-fraud operation: In an attempt to defeat a credit card being used fraudulently, a shopper may ask a merchant with whom he is conducting business to charge the full amount of his credit limit to the card. This then makes the card useless for fradulent purchases until the card holder pays his next bill. In return the amount charged can either be held in credit by the merchant to be used in the future, or a cheque or postal order sent to the customer by the merchant, minus a nominal handling charge. Not only does this system prevent credit card fraud, but also actually increases the shoppers credit rating, providing of course he meets bill payments.
Automatic Friendly Mail Generator: It is often difficult to remember to e-mail friends and family who are trying to remain in contact with you on a regular basis. In addition, coming up with original and interesting content to be sent to such groups of people is time consuming and a strain to the average user. This patent proposes a system to be embedded into an MUA (aka E-mail client) that will at random times send random, interesting content to people in the user's address book. A configuration facility would exist to be able to alter the length and style of the communication, from messages that just state something along the lines of "Hey dude, what's happening?" to being able to retrieve and send pornographic content from the user's own collection. This would maintain and foster relationships with family and friends, and the user would not have to concern himself with the content of e-mails ever again.
On-hold Music Request System: As call centers get smaller and queues of callers get larger, the amount of time spent by customers "on-hold" waiting for an operator increases dramatically. A major cause of aggrevation for such customers is disagreeable music being played down the line whilst on-hold. Some customer like Jazz, others Classical, others still Rock. This patent covers a system whereby the customer is able to specify the style and perhaps particular track that s/he would prefer to listen to whilst on-hold, with the music being played from a digital MP3 library connected to the call center telecoms equipment. This idea could potentially extended in the future so that pornographic content can be listened to by the caller if they are on-hold whilst dialling a premium rate number, thereby causing an additional revenue source for the company and additional work for any female workers who are not currently assigned work.
Reverse Peer-to-peer Sharing: A system similar to Napster, except instead of users determining what they would like to download or retrieve via the peer-to-peer system, other users "push" content onto other user's machines. This acts as a convinient and cost-effective method to distribute virsuses, trojans, commercial content, cause mass Denial of Service of machines, etc. and would in effect be of more assitance and value to the distributor more than the recipient, however the recipient may occasionally receive music from a band s/he had never heard of and like it, therefore this system causes a liberalisation of taste and cultural diversity.
Election Simulation System: In most countries with democratic voting systems, the cost of an election campaign is costly and timely for all concerned. This patent covers a system whereby governments are legally elected by doing the following:- firstly, the system would scan all on-line news sources to judge the number of column inches devoted to each political party in a given election to ensure that it's choice is at least a popular choice (minority parties get less column inches, so score more lowly). The text is scanned for keywords that would indicate a positive or negative stance towards the party, and this score is maintained. At this point, the computer has an early indication of who the likely winner is, but will add some random "noise" to take into account the effect real-life voters who are drunks, dope fiends, or both would have in a real election. In the event of a dead-heat the election winner is determined by a simulated roll of the dice, whereby the seed for randomness is based around radiation of a given isotope considered to be as random as randomness can be.
You're infringing on my IP, dammit. I'm gonna sue your ass. Check it
And on your forums, no less! I think that constitutes a warning of infringement. Now that you've willfully disregarded that, I've got no choice but to sue you for millions. I think you copied my design, to, which was a trade secret.
A Method For Securing Extended Patent-level Intellectual Property Protection on Non-inventions
A central limitation of US patent law is the short duration of patents, and the limited number of classes of things that may be patented. The method specified herein describes a business model that utilizes the Digital Millenium Copyright Act and careful contractual arrangements to secure a protracted (35 years to 150 years) monopoly rights to anything: including but not limited to, concepts, file storage formats, methods of communication, business models, and international trade policy.
In this model, the person or agency seeking the aforementioned protection fixes the concepts or embodiments thereof onto a fixed medium as defined by US copyright law using any digital method of data storage. As an arbitrarily encoded stream of digital information, the fixed expression of the concept is imperceptable without the aid of a method for translation (access) into human perceivable form and thus an perception requires technological means to access it. This embodiment, itself a device, is thus rendered illegal to come into contact with or be perceived by any person or mechanical implement except per any explicit and arbitrary terms defined a priori OR a posteriori by the party so seeking protection. Anyone not abiding the terms of said party are committing a felony and subject to criminal penalties. Reverse engineering is thuse also rendered impossible since reverse engineering would imply require prior access to said material, itself a felony.
Further, the design, conceptualization, or mere communication thereof of any technology or method for accessing the protected item is also a felony. Further, unlike patents, the access protection last as long as a copyright (much longer than a typical patent), and the because the person or agency has the right to squelch communication related to the underlying accessibility, including technology, encoding, file format, language, numerical system, symbology, or fundamental concepts -- any and all critique, undesirable use, use by undesirable persons, use by foreign persons, et cetera can be effectively and lawfully disposed of.
This method is immediately applicable to all things expressible including but not limited to books, films, personal opinions, information private and public, performances, methods of business, historical documents, cultural traditions, and collections.
Prior art: ref. Motion Picture Association of America (Jack Valenti); Recording Industry Association of America; S. Milosevic; V. Lenin; A. Hitler.
I claim that my invention is an extremely large, dense, spheroid mass which creates a sufficiently large magnetic field to attract smaller bodies of mass. This invention, due to its size, rotates independently of any visible external forces, and contains a heat source which, if properly harnessed, could maintain a temperature of approx. 30 deg. C in most structures.
This spheroid is also capable of harnessing energy, as well; if sufficiently close to an active stellar mass, it can retain a percentage of the emmitted electromagnetic energy sufficient to maintain dihydrogen oxide at liquid temperatures throughout the rotational period.
I used to be someone else. Now I'm someone better.
Real life is underrated.
AFAIR, the guy who invented it (and it was a damn good idea IMO) managed to get patents on it is most countries but in the USA it was ruled that replacing the wheel with a ball was obvious and it was refused. Hence the inventer got screwed as everybody could copy it.
This is all from wetware so I could be competely wrong (it may also be a UL). Also, my memory is telling me that the inventer was Dyson (the same guy who invented the bag-less vacuum cleaner)
The link to ThinkGeek should be http://www.think.com/ and not http://thinkgeek/.
You sir, are a fraud. So sad that such a sterling idea had to come out of the mind of such a rascal.
Hopefully I didn't put any [] around my words.
I respectfully disagree...
That's what the patent office has been doing to grant the patents. It's a no-brainer to attempt to patent something, given the economical advantage you might get. That'd be like saying that anyone who responded must be smoking crack, because they might get a $50 ThinkGeek gift certificate. Applying's smart, fooling the patent office is annoying, but the patent office being fooled - that's where the crack comes in.
You are in a maze of twisty little relative jumps, all alike.
I patent the act of placing one's body onto an object commonly known as a "bed," typically covering same body with items known as "blankets," with the intent of closing one's eyes and descending into a state of semiconsciousness with the intent of resting oneself. All persons who engage in this act are now hereby required to remit a royalty fee of $1 every time they engage in same.
=================================
I pledge allegiance to the flag...
of the Corporate States of America...
a patent on the business practice of patenting stupid and/or obvious ideas and charging ridiculously high licensing fees to others who wish to use them.
I know similar things have been posted earlier, but phrasing it like this would make it really funny if it actually got approved.
This is supposed to be great art. So why does it look like a bunch of decapitated naked people? -- Calvin
Initial conditions:
- 1. Be in the presence of your SO somewhere in public. Best results for this method are found at the beach or someplace similar where scantily clad people frequent.
Procedure:2. Eyes open and scanning steadily upon a crowd of people unknown to you.
3. SO attentive and waiting for you to screw up.
- 1. Find someone of the gender matching your sexual preference that is attractive to you. Inhale softly.
Patent applicant will not be held responsible for any legal proceedings or hospital bills resulting in the successful use of this method.2. Stare at your target for a few seconds to make sure your SO knows what you're doing.
3. Speak the word "Wow!".
4. Wait for the shit to hit the fan.
One can factor prime numbers by simply entering them into my patent-pending PrimeFactor function.
Here is the proposed PrimeFactor function, implemented in C. This post serves as prior art, so don't think about stealing my solution to this major mathematical problem that has confounded humanity for centuries.
void PrimeFactor(double PrimeNum)
{
cout << "The factors of the Prime Number are 1 and " << PrimeNum << endl;
}
Thank you for your consideration.
I watch the sea.
I saw it on TV.
No, Thursday's out. How about never - is never good for you?
"A method, or process of removal of fecal and other unwanted material from the posterior of a human being. Using a tissue-paper based material (available from common grocery markets), one can induce an act of wiping - the repeated motion from one's hand, moving front to back while holding tissue-paper - to remove the fecal and other unwanted materials. This movement shall be used on the human posterior, and the results, after several applications, shall be a clean, and fecal free human posterior.
-- If we don't stand up for our rights, now, there will be no right to stand up for them later.
I hereby request the following patent: One Blink Shopping. This new and exciting technology allows the client (hereby refered to as the 'sucker') to purchase items from our website by blinking. This technology is an application of specific and proprietary javascript code which redirects our users to our price-point software (here after known as sucker fscker). This then sends the shopper through to our jam and jellies and poultry department (the smuckers and cluckers sucker fscker) and then on their receipt. This process of sending the sucker through the sucker fscker and on to the smuckers and cluckers sucker fscker is proprietary and should be issued a patent.
So there I was. Naked. In a refrigerator. With a potroast on my knees. Smokin a cigar. That's when it got REALLY weird.
Are you tired of going to Starbucks to get a tasty latte, only to find it's at a piping 180 degrees F? Look no further!
Our team of expertly trained professionals have developed a means to alleviate this overactivity of molecules.
By using the mechanics of a technology called "heat transfer" our low-cost highly-efficient system will take that scalding mess to a managleable level.
That's right... its time for The Ain't-So-Hot coffee balancing system!!!
You get:
One polystyrine bag
12 of our magical "Ain't-So-Hot" specially formulated ice crystals.
The special Maxium-Effectiveness Spoon
If you order right now we'll even give you the amazing 2-Hour Refill Freezer Tray kit, allowing you to never run out of Ain't-So-Hot (natural Ain't-So-Hot spring water fuel is not available in stores, and can be ordered through our web site.)
I look forward to hearing you say... "That coffee Ain't-So-HOT!!"
----
Thanks for letting me on the show, Dave.
----
Vote for freedom!
---
The Universe encompasses large hard bodies called planets and brighter balls of gas named stars. In between is an enormous amount of rather empty space, which lends room for my patent to grow and modify itself as legal needs take merit.
Within its vast reaches, the Universe can seed life and produce intelligent civilizations* who create geographical boundaries, science and laws*.
Given my rather early correlation with said patent, it is trivial to see why it should encompass most others.
Sincerely,
God
* Intelligence of civilizations not guaranteed."
- I don't care if they globalize against free speech. All my best free thoughts are done in my head.
A method of using sophisticated voice recognition technology to advance presentation slides in a synchronous fashion by use of voice commands. The method has been demonstrated to advance slides forward, show them in reverse order, and skip ahead or behind in distinct pre-defined intervals. The technology allows a speaker to move about while speaking and not have to manually advance the keys on their traditional presentation controller (usually a laptop computer).
... Next Slide!"
..."
A successful test of the technology was made three months ago by yours truly. I showed up at a conference without a laptop and had to give a talk. Luckily, they had extra laptops wired into the system at the back of the room. I gave the operator my floppy and went to the podium, starting with "OK, today I am going to showcase my voice activated remote
The slide changed. Half the people laughed. The other half said "Wow
Firstly - in user-interface terms, a drag is distinct from a click.
How to get past Tescos -
If the patent is to exclude Tescos, then it must be formulated specificly to do so. Find something that tescos does that you don't want, and patent something without that thing. (so if Tescos pops up a dialogue box at a particular, patent the process _not_ using a dialog box at that stage).
Now the Improvement -
Reorder the process, and add one extra feature which makes perfect sense in the real world.
Reorder: patent the entering of payment details _before_ the shopping commences, perhaps.
Extra feature: patent the entry of a self-imposed spending-limit, and add the feature of telling you how close you are to your spending limit after each item selection.
FatPhil
Also FatPhil on SoylentNews, id 863
This patent covers the serving of dynamic news related content via obfuscated CGI scripts written in perl to be delivered to geek news reading masses. Patent #18524 covers the practice of receiving end user information input via web based forms. Patent #18525 covers the moderation of any such comments so as to filter out any unwanted/undesirable comments, and raise attention to comments which are insightful, informational, funny, etc. Respective patent #18526 covers the business practice named 'Karma Whoring' (of which the author is obviously innocent).
(Moderation of this post upwards is expressly prohibited by patent #18525
---
Video meliora proboque deteriora sequor - Ovidius
I was thinking of applying for a range of patents:
TITLE: 'Being bloody stupid' buisness practice
ABSTRACT: A buisness practice that demonstrates ignorance and contempt towards the requirements and wishes of customers, i.e. Microsoft.
TITLE: 'Patently Obvious' action
ABSTRACT: An action by which a process, product, action, device or construct may proceed from a non-completed state to either a completed state or a state nearer to the state of completion than the initial state, which is, to some degree, faster, easier, cheaper, or more efficent than other potential options for completing or progressing said process, product, action, device or construct.
TITLE: One-click or similar input
ABSTRACT: A method of inputing computer data into a device such as a computer that involves, in some manner, performing an action invoking an electromechanical device that makes a sound that could be described as a 'click', or a device possesing a likeness to said device which does not make a 'click' but which could potentially be expected to make a 'clicking' sound.
TITLE: Eating
ABSTRACT: A process by which a biological entity such as a human can consume nourishment of some type, i.e. pizza.
Well, those are my entries.
Michael
...another comment from Michael Tandy.
"Goodness me, how unlike the FBI to abuse the trust of the American public." -- The Onion
Examples of possible strings include:
The Rectangular GUI Element Descriptor's primary purpose is to describe or summarize the contents or function of the Rectangular GUI Element to which it is attached, but it may also serve to insult or confuse the user, or be entirely without purpose.
-- dR.fuZZo
This is clever. Will Blink(tm) Inc. also offer supplemental moistener in case the biological moistener cannot overcome excessive dryness?
This is not the way to build a lasting empire.
"A switch, mechanical (mechanical being defined as being created via physical parts) or virtual (virtual being defined as being created via a computer program/script software or firmware) in nature than when properly used will cause a device or function to work in a predetermined manner and when used again will cause a device to cease its functioning. As part of the operation of this switch, an attached mechanical or virtual sensory indicator (audio, visual, tactile, nasal, or taste) will be activated to provide notice of whether or not the switch has properly caused the predetermined function to begin or caused it to stop.
This is not the way to build a lasting empire.
Yes, but isn't that P3P?
sulli
RTFJ.
As in microsoft.con : "How are we going to take you today?"
Interested investors should email: guido@bent.nose.com
A Plan to use Action Describing or Implicating Words in the spoken or written language as a persuasive tool to sell goods and or services.
:)
Our method of Action Describing or Implicating Words (trade name: "Verbs") increases rates of sales by allowing the licensee of the method to fully describe anything, be it an object or an action. This also allows for more persuasive sales pitches! These "Verbs" are the most important part of our method, and should be considered our Intellectual Property. Being that our sales plan relies on this Intellectual Property, all uses not licensed by we, the inventors, are prohibited. Prosecutors will be Violated
Yes. It's a patent on verbs.
"I hope I don't make a mistake and manage to remain a virgin." - Britney Spears
------
[The day that it is granted]
Business Wire (DC) - Axiomatic Technologies, Inc., is issuing cease and desist orders to all companies which produce or use any of the following unlicensed technologies which violate their patents: RPC Calls, "Distributed Internet Computing Clients", "N-Tier Client-Server Architectures", Ethernet Cards, SCSI Cards, and Accelerated Video Cards.
We will be giving a 30 day grace period for companies and individuals using these technologies to contact us about license negotiations before we begin court proceedings. Failure to being court proceedings with any individual or company shortly after the 30 day grace period in no way limits our rights of future litigation for these and other violations of our patent.
11*43+456^2
http://slashdot.org/article.p l?s id=00/10/03/024243
How about hot key shopping?
C-x b Move to next Store
C-x f Open a new Store
C-h k Describe the item
ESC w Add to cart C-k Remove from cart
You get the idea... unless amazon is working on a patent for the shopping cart.
change me
Sorry dude, that one's already been done. Check this page for more info.
-atrowe: Card-carrying Mensa member. I have no toleranse for stupidity.
Actually, I'm not really a karma whore. 65% or so of my karma comes from story points. =) Actually, the original post was the best I could come up with five minutes after awaking this morning.
--
-- Geof F. Morris
Precisely! This was actually a semi-experiment on my behalf--could I fool moderators into taking something that isn't a patent and calling it one? Since my original comment got modded up to 4, I'd say I succeeded.
Now, you can view the results in two ways:
It bothers me that the /. crowd is very anti-patent yet seems unwilling to examine the usefulness of patents.
--
-- Geof F. Morris
A method and apparatus that utilises speech recognition in order to terminate computer programs.
What is claimed is:
- A device, comprising of a computer, a microphone, a sound card, and a computer program that controls the operation of said sound card, which upon receiving an audio signal of predetermined quality, terminates other program running on said computer.
- A device, comprising of a computer, a microphone, a sound card, and a computer program that controls the operation of said sound card, which upon receiving an audio signal of predetermined characteristic, performs a hard reboot of said computer
- A device of claim 1, where said computer program can recognize a plurality of audio signals and terminate any of a plurality of predetermined set of computer programs according to the signal given
- A device of claim 1, where said computer program can recognize a plurality of audio signals and present a menu of choices on the screen of said computer, together with means of navigating said menu by issuing voice commands, whereas the plurality of items of said menu represent the plurality of processes running on said computer
Preferred embodiment: a user runs one of a plurality of "trojan horse" programs that offer the user to show a pornographic image after the user presses ten keys simultaneously, and then warns the user that the hard disk of the computer will be reformatted after one of the keys is released. The user then invokes one of the termination functions which are offered by the presented device.--
no no... he patented a specific algorithm; that is, one exact implementation of my new patent. And I had mine first.
Do geeks believe in this strongly enough to pledge money?
Does the honor system work as a payment method for a one-time service performed for the community at large (like writing a song or book or whatever)?
And lastly, is the patent system really as COMPLETELY fucked as we seem to think it is?
As a side note, I think I would pay money. Heck, get copyleft (OK not them, but someone similar) to print a T-shirt with the patent on it; sell shirts to get money to submit the patent.
A method for converting binary data into a smaller quantity of binary data which conveys the same meaning when put to its original purpose. The process would be carried out initially by a piece of computer software ("compressor") which would apply an algorithm to the original binary data. This algorithm would take advantage of patterns in the data, either by searching for them at the time of the running of the compressor or patterns assumed to be present because of the type of data being processed by the algorithm ("compressed"). Depending upon the situation, and the neccessity for the original data to be preserved exactly as opposed to only in meaning, the algorithm applied could be either reversible completely ("lossless") or could produce a different, but similar, set of original data when reversed ("lossy"). For example, a lossy compression algorithm applied to a picture would, when reversed ("decompressed"), produce a picture similar to the original; that is, to the human eye, it would appear to be the same picture, although potenntially of a lower quality. A lossless algorithm would reproduce the original exactly, giving a higher quality output. This technique could be used for many purposes. These include, but are not limited to, compression of images and sounds associated with Web pages; compression of videos to facilitate their transfer across the Internet, and compression of data on a storage media for purposes of allowing more data to be stored.
For the record, I submit:
Patent #1:
An biologically grown, organic neural-network consisting of Neurons(TM) which interface with each other and external devices, called Sensing Organs(TM-separate patent also applied for), and Muscle Technology(TM -- crosslicensed from the BowFlex Corporation), using Nerves(TM of Maxwell House International) which conduct bi-directional microcurrents in order to receive sensory input, control aforementioned external devices, and conduct higher-level cognitive thinking (due to manufacturing tolerances, cognitive thinking is not guaranteed in all models). It will be called Cerveau.
If anyone is using one of these right now, you owe me big time!
Patent #2:
I also submit a business method which consists of simply licensing the use of the Cerveau to individual users (instead of actually selling it to them), installing a neural packet-sniffer which will allow the licensor to monitor the activity of the Cerveau for any unauthorized Thoughts(TM), and remote disable/deactivate the Cerveau. This will also prevent resale/re-installation of the Cerveau into a new Host, and ensure compliance with all approved thought-patterns.
-------------
-------------
The truth is out th- oh, wait, here it is...
the scary thing is, THE RUSSIANS BEAT ME TO IT BY PATENTING THE BOTTLE!
no joke. then again, this is at the russian patent office, which is even more lenient than the USPTO...
---
---
Is this the MPAA? Is this the RIAA? Is this the DMCA? I thought it was the USA!
click once to select A
click twice for B
...
click 52 times for a lowercase Z
click 53 times for a 1
...
click 127 times for a control-alt-delete (confirm by clicking another 127 times)
Clicks must be performed within a 1 minute interval or will be assumed to be the start of the next character.
What the heck, it seems like such a great idea I should patent it, before some weasel steals my valuable IP!
--
Chief Frog Inspector
A feeling of having made the same mistake before: Deja Foobar
Stupid:
A method of dried mucus extraction from nasal passages without contaminating the finger. The user will unroll a small latex covering over their index finger, left or right, which then may be inserted into the nasal passage to prod or extract discomforting dried mucus.
Very Stupid:
Randomly Accessible Memory. This comprises the process of manufacturing electronic memory circuits with intermittant errors. At any given moment a memory controller may attempt to access a particular bit or series of bits, which may or may not return the actual contents. This also applies if the particular bit or bits in question change their values for no apparent reason.
Extremely Stupid:
Internet-free shopping. A boiler room of psychics will ascertain what they buyer wants, the payment method and shipping address. Goods will be shipped to the buyer, so as to be timed with when the buyer thinks of getting such a good. All purchases would be non-refundable, as the buyer already knew exactly what they wanted at the time of order and all manufacturer defects have been found by premonition and fixed prior to shipping. Insightful:
Cheese-O-Meter, which inserted into a block of cheddar will measure firmness, pH and enzyme activity to keep a person appraised of cheese fitness. The device will have a communications port (IEEE 1394) which may be connected to a hub, and thusly a remote computer system for maintaining up to the second data. Variations and appliances include: Spam-O-Scope and Sausage Link.
--
Chief Frog Inspector
A feeling of having made the same mistake before: Deja Foobar
Ah kawlz it: Hill Billy Basik an it'll look sommat lahk this hyar egzampel:
awn_errer_git_to skeedaddel
ah_sez "Howdy!"
ah_sez "How ya'll doin?"
ah_sez "Smack A fer money an B fer gunz an"
ah_sez "C ta bekawm a gol-danged billyonaire!"
git_inpoot a$
iffen a$ equalz "A" theyan
open "floorboardz" as fahl exx
get_inpoot #exx, savins
ah_sez "add whut ta it?"
get_inpoot kaysh
savins = rekon savins an kaysh
print #exx, kaysh
shut exx
iffen_end
iffen a$ equalz "B" theyan
open "shootinarns" as fahl exx
fer ah equalz wun ta lebenty_sebben
git_inpoot #exx, arn$, bullits
ah_sez ah," arn ",arn$," gots ",bullits," rouns"
git_next_un ah
iffen_end
iffen a$ equalz "C" theyan
yall_gosub boot_th_dadgum_servar
iffen_end
kwit
skeedaddel:
holler("ya durn fool, that ain't how it done work!")
stoppit
boot_th_dadgum_servar:
um wraght an aytch-teetee-pee servar
um kawl it sommthin lahk Chippewa
retarn
Nawt thet goldanged Billy, thissun hyar's fer learnin' ya Billygoat ta do somma the laborin' aroun hyar. A gots enuff ta do keepin' revenooers and Jerry Brown outta ma corn squeezins! Way ah figgers, ol Billygoat c'n hannel the fie-nancies an keep trak o' my shoot'n arns an do somma thet sitty-slikker yeehaw-commerse awn hizzn peedy-pee-lebben dayash sebbenty, some decint folk dump't inna hiz pastyer, offen the Zilwaukee brigt (good thin it done landid awn ma or it maughta brokt somthin.)
Anny wun a ya polecats tryz ta cheet me outta mah een-ven-shun gotta anser tah ol' betsy, y'hear?
--
Chief Frog Inspector
A feeling of having made the same mistake before: Deja Foobar
Double Click Shopping is the process wherein javascript or other similar technology is used to determine the number of successive clicks on a link and only activate when such count reaches two. Upon two clicks, an order for said item is automatically entered into the system, given that the user is already entered into the system. Thus we attain the same ease of use as the "One Click Shopping" while using a distinctly different operation that is already quite familiar to most computer users.
My patent is for a CD-R disc that has been rendered unusable due to any number of factors that could cause the writing process to prematurely terminate.
--- Replace ISA with USB? Great idea, I love more cables...
Hey kids, tired of being sued every time you turn around a new product? Order the new Universal Lawyer Repellant. One application will : File a claim with the EFF, issue cease and desist letters, petition the Supreme Court, issue press releases, and even go on Larry King for you. Order now, before you get another one of those pesky summons's
"sex on tv is bad, you might fall off..."
I lost my concept of community when my community lost all concept of me.
Please explain your motivation for trying to patent the concept of a "first post", from now on to be referred to as "fp". It is a bit unclear at this moment in which way the "fp" will benefit mankind or in any other way cause you to become rich, famous or violently ill.
People replying to my sig annoy me. That's why I change it all the time.
Patent application: items: VaporWare(TM) (VapourWare(TM) in Canada) and the "VaporWare: Build Up Greenbacks!" (VW BUG) system. VaporWare claims: 1) any product that does not exist, has never existed, and/or may exist at some future time (but not now) is VaporWare (TM). If it's on paper, it's VaporWare. If it's only in your head, it's VaporWare. If it exists primarily in the hearts and (puny) minds of your marketing department, who have written some REALLY great ad campaigns for it despite the fact that not a single demo or sample has been produced, it's REALLY Vaporware! 2) VaporWare is equivalent to a useless product (i.e. one that has no uses, i.e. something that does nothing). After all, if it doesn't exist, it can't do anything, right? 3) Things that do nothing can be sold. 4) By #2 and #3, VaporWare can be sold. 5) If people will pay money for something, it ought to be patentable (if you don't believe me ask Amazon and Apple). Conclusion: It's patentable! Give me a damn patent! VW BUG Claims: 1) Geeks like owning cool, technological toys. 2) Geeks like talking about and dreaming of owning said toys even more than actually owning them (partially because they usually can't afford to buy said toys). 3) If none of their geek friends are able to buy a cool technological toy due to it's being VaporWare(TM) (see claims above), then the only obstacle to the geeks nattering on about cool toys they wished they owned has been removed. Geeks will talk about their favorite VaporWare of the second/minute/hour/day incessently. Until you wish you (or they, if you have a strong sense of self) had never been born. 4) Geeks have non-geek friends/acquaintances/ people who are forced to spend significant amounts of time in close quarters with them. (Truth IS stranger than fiction.) 5) Non-geeks believe everything that geeks say about cool technological toys because the non- geeks assume from experience/ignorance/stupidity that the geeks know what they are talking about. 6) Non-geeks have way more money than geeks, because they don't waste their money buying as many cool technological toys as possible. 7) Since the non-geeks didn't waste their money (see previous claim), they have capital to invest in companies touting vaporware which all their geek friends are dying to buy if only a real product actually existed. The non-geeks know that these companies are shrewd investments because all the geeks would be lining up to buy whatever it is they claim to be working on if it was an actual product. Conclusion: The VW BUG (VaporWare: Build Up Greenbacks!) system is a surefire way of getting instant capital. Simply come up with an idea that sounds cool (regardless of whether it's technically possible), draw up a few plans (preferably on bar napkins), distribute said plans through geek distribution channels (aka the "In-ter-net"), and watch the $$$ come pouring in! Now if only Bitboys was an American company, they'd owe me a LOT of royalties!
A process by which any two objects are struck together and cause a spark, especially flint.
I would like to patent a matrix . The matrixwould be a wool that when pulled over your eyes would blind you from the truth,
The matrix would be everywhere. it would be all around you. it would be in this very room, it would be there when you looked out your window, or turned on your telivision, you would be able to feel it when you went to work, or church or even to pay your taxes.
it would be wool that when pulled over your eyes would blind you from the truth, the truth that you and everyone else is a slave.
/* oops I accidentally made a comment, sorry */
I hereby submit my patent for the 'Submit' button mechanism, and the 'Submit' process. This process is composed of client-side JavaScript which enables web users to submit information from a web page to the web server for processing or storage. Possible uses of the 'Submit' button mechanism include input into search engines, message boards, or even shopping cart type forms.
The 'Submit' button mechanism is comprised of one or more entry fields (HTML based) and the actual 'Submit' button. The button can be scripted to display a message, such as "Go!", "Buy Now!", or simply "Submit" to the user. The use of graphic images tied to the 'Submit' mechanism via the onclick event and JavaScript scripting is also possible.
Without the use of "Submit" technology, web users typically manually Post data to web pages - dramatically increasing the amount of time it takes to interact with a server.
The 'Submit' mechanism technology is cutting edge and has many, many applications on the internet. Please approve my patent today.
I'm a 2000 man.
My attempt into the silly patent foray:
:)
"A newly found chemical compound, dihydrogen monoxide, hereby refered to as (H20), has been observed under careful laboratory conditions to be responsible for hydration at a cellular level through osmosis(patent no. 86757364), and the efficient transfer of waste heat. H20 is formulated from the chemical reactions of Hydrogen(patent pending) and Oxygen(patent no. 86757365) and can only be created in a controlled laboratory setting. This new discovery, which world scientists are now referring to it by it's unoffical name 'water', may have such uses in erosion, irrigation, and even recreation. This elusive binary compound will hopefully now find it's way into many common, and popular daily uses."
that's all I have to say about that
-Jayson
Excitation of one's own or another's genital organs, usually to orgasm, by manual contact or means other than sexual intercourse.
"Pinky, you've left the lens cap of your mind on again." - P&TB
"I can see my house from here!" - ST:
Let's patent the /. Effect.
"Large amounts of Interent traffic generated from page linking."
Biological optical character recognition.
--
Rob Carlson
--
"May I have ten thousand marbles, please?"
- "Customer" browses various, seemlingly unconnected web sites, all of which have innocent looking
.gifs that track every page they look through harmless cookies.
- The customer buys something at one of these sites, authorizing their credit card for use in future purchases. Don't worry, the customer is told this in the jargonfied fine print.
- ZKS kicks in: according to the web pages that the new ZKS customer has visited recently, they are "sold" things that ZKS decides they need. Been visiting sites that review video cards? ZKS saves you the trouble of finding a site to sell you one!
This is one step better than targeted advertising. Targeted advertising only tells you what you should want to buy, but ZKS buys it for you! After ZKS has your credit card number, you'll never have to visit an annoying e-commerce web site again.~=Keelor
I'm going to drag out the guy who invented the mouse and patent the "double click". People will be forced to install "Click Counters" on all their machines, and you'll have to buy licenses for double-clicking from me.
Once you've neared the end of your 10,000 double clicks, you'll get a friendly reminder that you've only got 100 or so double clicks left before your license expires. (And, of course, you'll have to double-click to remove the pop-up window.)
I'll sue Microsoft first.
Netjak.com independent reviews of domestic & import video ga
I was driving along in the Slashdot Cruiser with my main squeeze, Natalie Portman, reading this on my RedHat Linux 7.0 (woohooo!) laptop (which is the ONLY way to read Slashdot without crashing - I'm talking MS Windoze, not the tinkling of glass as you go through the windshield of the Slashdot Cruiser) when I spot a beowulf cluster of ex-Metallica fans wearing Napster T-shirts and one was carrying a sign that read, "Metallica - I used to be there biggist fan". I roll down the window on the Slashdot Cruiser (it's nice to know that some Windows actually work reliably) and yell, "Hey! Who do you think you are? Commander Taco?" Natalie Portman thought that was hysterical. She likes my sense of humor, but I'm sure that story's been posted before. I love it when she laughs and felt inspired to write a haiku, but then I realized that if this post were any longer someone might mistake me for Jon Katz, so I decided to stop right here.
What do I owe you?
--
As a matter of fact, I am a lawyer. But I play an actor on TV.
Progressive Intuitive Logical Errata Stacks. a system that involves placing individual pieces of errata (paper, mt. dew bottles, parts, etc.) upon your desk until there is no usable workspace in non computer and monitor bearing surfaces
....There is nothing a Cattle Prod and a foot length of 7/8" satellite coaxial can't fix/
Powdered Cocaine to be mixed with the appropriate (secret) amounts of baking soda and water and cured at high heat to form a crumbly cake-like substance that can be cut into small cubes. This substance is to be used by placing into a glass pipe and smoked with the use of either a butane lighter, propane torch, or similar flame making instrument.
Yes, I have patented making and smoking crack. That's what some of these executives must be doing to apply for these patents.
LK
"Hi. This is my friend, Jack Shit, and you don't know him." - Lord Kano
Here. For those of you who don't follow The Onion, this story is about Micro$oft patenting ones and zeros, and forcing all other companies to pay them royalties. Probably the best example of a worst-case scenario with our patent system :P
Colin Winters
An initial mail is sent to the Microsoft Office family of email clients, wherein the SPAM reads their email address book, and propagates itself to all members of that address book. After propagation, the SPAM logically deletes or renames certain files, such as .dll and .vxd files and displays an advertisement for the charity of choice of the origin.
Contrary to the popular Melissa and I-Love-You advertising schema, the SPAM method involves a unique advertisement method of overwriting particular files for the explicit purpose of advertising.
This application for patent 31337-68797968 comes in lieu of the failure of the Java Remote File Deletion Function.
I think Asimov (or was it Clarke?) had a story where a person was able to patent the wheel and get royalty payments from everyone.
Funny thing is, this story is at least 5 years old, far before the recent wave of obvious patents.
-- Ever notice that fast-burning fuse looks exactly the same as slow-burning fuse? I didn't... (Edgar Montrose)
I'm patenting a new keyboard that has one new key on it. The new key is the sig key, and it's such a revolutionary idea, I NEED a patent just to stop others from copying this idea.
Here's the deal. After seeing the degredation of english grammar as we know it on the web, I thought to myself, "Why do we even need that big long key at the bottom of the keyboard?" I mean, no one uses it anymore on the web, right? Everyonejusttypeslikethis, becauseit'smoreconvenient, right? So, I spent countless hours calculating what would be the best way to utilize that waste of spac! My revolutionary new idea: the sig key.
There are never any hastles with the sig key! Within that one little key lies your complete private life! On Microsoft's web site? Need to access the help manuals but aren't "registered?" Worry no more! As soon as it asks for your registration, just hit the sig key, and Microsoft will have access to your social security number, all your credit card numbers, your bank account number, birth date, domestic information, marital status, health insurance records, high school and college transcripts, crime records, and the name of the dog you owned when you were 8 years old who got run over by your dad by accident one day after he purchased his brand new SUV. Microsoft will gladly give you access to any part of their website with just one click of the keyboard! There's no hastle and no need to worry with the sig key!
The sig key is a revolutionary new idea that makes one-click shopping obselete. You won't have any problems with Amazon.com. If you see something you like, hit the sig key, and Amazon.com has the right to bill your credit card for millions of dollars and ships to you a bunch of crappy merchandise! The way I figure it, you know you want it, but all to often your mind says no before your fingers say yes! So, heck, let this key make up your mind for you! There isn't even a need to worry over what you want, cause you'll get it all!
Companies across the web are so excited, they'll offer deals if you hit the sig key while on their webiste! Who needs privacy when you can get a free CueCat for hitting the sig key while on Radio Shack's website! Want that brand new computer on WalMart's website? With one flick of the finger, not only will WalMart be ecstatic over giving you a new computer, they'll bill thousands of dollars of other merchandise to you that they're certain you may not have wanted but need anyway! You'll have SO MUCH merchandise at your fingertips, you'll never be able to part with your keyboard! You can't even begin to imagine what you'll receive in using the sig key on government websites!
But that's not all! Right now, we're having a great promotional with this new keyboard! Order today, and you'll get with it a free AOL CD to just give you a taste of the merchandise that will flow to your fingertips after using this new keyboard! To set up AOL, just pop the CD into your CD-ROM drive, run the setup program, then when the program connects you to AOL, just hit the sig key to go online! If you want more time, just hit the sig key a few more times. Heck, hit it as many times as you want, and watch your available time online skyrocket!
As another added bonus, order today, and you'll receive the option of a second and third sig key on your keyboard! We feel that with the decline of the shift key's popularity on the web, why waste space on the keyboard when you'll have a wider range of location to hit the sig key! Perfect for those of us who just cannot find a key to press when we need it! Supplies are limited, order today!
Sadly, Signal 11 has all the prior art.
A highly sophisticated (in most cases) sort of computer with no moving parts, powered mostly by oxygen, caffeine, and sugar, with nearly unlimited storage space (though it's not always all accessible when you need something from it) and an average working life of about 80 years. It never needs to be upgraded (would be a bit messy to try, anyway), and it needs no keyboard, mouse, or other input devices it didn't come with.
In short, I'm patenting the brain. Everyone pay up. Well, everyone except JonKatz. *runs like hell*
This is a Chao. A Chao says "Mu."
This contest does appear to be in vilation of the following patent.....
USP# 5,916,024
Title "System and method of playing games and rewarding successful players"
Issued : June 29, 1999
Author : Henry Von Kohorn
What is claimed is:
1. A method for playing a game sponsored by an advertiser and for rewarding successful players with a prize, comprising the steps of:
transmitting from a central location a first signal group comprising signals conveying a game including a task to which players at their locations
are intended to respond, said signals of said first signal group further conveying response criteria defining at least one acceptable response
to a task by a successful player and governing a scoring of a response of the successful player, the player responding to a task;
establishing a player identification for each of said players and a game identification for correlating each of said players with a game;
scoring a player's response in accordance with said response criteria to determine a successful player's first prize value;
transmitting information regarding the player's first prize information to the advertiser;
following receipt of said information, the advertiser formatting players' prize enhancing instructions;
transmitting to players' locations a second signal group comprising signals conveying product information of the advertiser and prize
enhancing instructions of the advertiser to determine a player's total prize value;
enhancing a player's first prize value in accordance with said instructions to determine the player's total prize value;
providing at a location of the player a recording device programmable by signals of said second signal group;
programming said recording device by said signals; and
said recording device generating a record displaying said product information and the player's total prize information.
(It took me about 3 minutes to find this online..... )
-jon
Please enter my two submissions.
VOSW:
With the growth of our internet focusing more and more on wireless content and WAP (not to be taken as a racial slur), the industry needs to make more and more of our IP-like services compatible with wireless technology. Here I will present a wireless layer 1 medium for transmitting channelized voice content which I call "Voice Over Sound Wave", or "VOSW". Just like optical fiber, this transport will have both short and long haul modes, when aided by repeating devices known as a "Miniature Input Kinetic Enhancer" or "MIKE". There are already several layer two protocols in the works to provide stateful direction of VOSW broadcasts, and even higher layer transports that will allow datagram acknowledgement in order to facilitate what is known as a "conversation".
Layer 0 Switching:
A method of utilizing the latest advancements in quantum computing technology to solve internet congestion and latency issues utilizing switching at "Layer 0", also known as the "Time and Space Layer". Scientists are on the verge of breakthrough technology to allow tachyons to carry data signals faster than the speed of light. This would allow routing and switching devices to take advantage of the elementary physics of the universe to ease congestion. For instance, traffic flowing from a source hop to a destination hop can arrive at the destination before it ever actually leaves the source. A source hop can also decide not to send a packet that it knows will be discarded by the destination hop in a few milliseconds. Also, peak internet usage times can be relieved through related technology known as "Layer 0 Tunneling". Traffic during peak hours can be sent ahead in time through a layer 0 tunnel to later hours that same day, routed across an internetwork, then pulled back into its previous time-space continuum. The internet may never be the same again!
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I have not yet begun to procrastinate!
A method for shopping on the World Wide Web whereby the user need not click on the items to be purchased. Instead, icons representing the items to be purchased are dragged into an iconic representation of a shopping cart. When the user is ready to check out, they drag the shopping cart icon to the icon of the checkout register.
Implementation can be done using JavaScript, Dynamic HTML, or various other dynamic web-based technologies.
Software sucks. Open Source sucks less.
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A special selection of edible, or semi-edible food products that can be eaten with one hand. This allows the end user to eat such foods while being able to carry out other tasks with the other hand. This technology will allow more people to work throughout their lunch break.
U.S. Patent Application:
The concept of submitting a message to a Web-Based-Message-Board [1] chronologically before all other submitters is hereby declared to be the proprietary innovation "First Posting". I have reviewed the entire Web to ensure that no prior art exists. The concept of Fist Posting is heretofore my proprietary technique.
Anyone who infringes upon my patent will be sued.
[1] Message boards such as www.slashdot.org.
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What happens when you outlaw guns
Biological Lens Intermitent Natural Kovering(tm) consists of a sytems of organic, naturally synthesized thin tissue membranes, which when operated permit natural remoisturization of an organic lens system. The intermitent nature of this system permits extended periods of visibility without extended periods of dryness or irritation. Using the "BLINK" system, a user may view objects at near unlimited resolution without suffering from redraw effects. Biological Lens Intermitent Natural Kovering may also be used to provide short term shielding of biological lens systems from minor irritants and extremes of brightness.
-Jason
If I could only live my life with my threshold at 4...
You are in violation of patent #-683, a patent owned by the company I currently represent. This patent covers the process of online contests whereby entries are posted in a moderated forum to be reviewed by a judge outside the moderation system.
t
If they say that business processes cannot be patented, then create a web site that implements the business process of patenting, and patent *that*.
Then sue them for having an internal Intranet system that infringes on your patent.
Abstract
A method for soliciting peer recognition (both positive and negative), in the form of commentary (both explicit text-based replies and implicit via ratings of those replies). These goals are accomplished through a number of techniques, including: (1) Exploiting the Linux evangelism meme, (2) Exploiting the Linux distribution evangelism memes, (3) Exploiting the Microsoft bashing meme, (4) Exploiting the gratuitous mention of "Natalie Portman" meme, (5) Exploiting the humorous haiku meme, (6) Exploiting the Napster controversy meme, (7) Exploiting the criticism of JonKatz meme, (8) Exploiting the "I know you're going to mod me down for this" meme, (9) Exploiting the Beowulf meme, (10) Exploiting the redundant story meme, (11) Exploiting the redundant story meme, (12) Exploiting the "CmdrTaco can't spell" meme, (13) Exploiting the "Slashdot Cruiser" meme.
Claims
1) All mindless Linux evangelism and trolling, done solely for the purpose of garnering replies and attention, is covered by this patent. This claim should also be construed to include any and all benchmark data.
2) Any mention of a Linux distribution, by someone who hasn't personally installed and run at least three different distributions, is likewise covered under this patent. Any addition, any mention of Redhat releases that end in ".0" are additionally covered by this claim.
3) Virtually any mention of Microsoft is covered by the claim.
4) All references to "Natalie Portman" that don't revolve around a discussion of her serious work as an actress are covered by this claim. "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" does not count as a serious work and is thus included in the claim.
5)
Any message with
seventeen syllables is
covered by this claim.
6) Virtually any mention of Napster is covered by this claim. This includes references to Metallica, Lars, and Napster-like programs, such as Gnutella and Mojo Nation.
7) While any mentions of JonKatz would logically be covered by the scope of this claim, the claimant is hearby waiving all claims in this area, so that people may still freely bitch about JonKatz.
8) Given the number of highly modded posts with the phrase "I know I'm going to get modded down for this, but...", the claim is made that this is the one guaranteed way in which to shamelessly and indirectly beg for positive moderation. This claim is intended to cover both the practice as well as the subsequent moderation, thus moderators who do not license this patent may only mod down posts containing this phrase.
9) Any and all mentions of building a Beowulf cluster out of Linux boxes, fish, belly-button lint, or any other conceivable item shall be covered by this claim, with the exception of actual Beowulf cluster discussions. The concept of building a Beowulf cluster out of Natalie Portmans shall be covered by both this claim and claim #4, and will also be referred to any relevant medical ethics boards over the issue of human cloning.
10) Any complaints that a story got posted multiple times, while possible accurate, shall still be covered by this claim.
11) Any complaints that a story got posted multiple times, while possible accurate, shall still be covered by this claim.
12) Any criticisms of CmdrTaco's spelling and/or grammar shall be covered by this claim, unless such criticisms are also accompanied by an offer by the critic to serve as an unpaid proofreader for all Slashdot postings.
13) Any mention of the Slashdot Cruiser, with the exception of news related to the contest itself, shall be considered to fall under this claim. The concept of building a Beowulf cluster out of Slashdot Cruisers shall be covered by both this claim and claim #4.
...the term hacker, and all its variants--elite hacker, 31337 h4X0r, etc. If various news organizations don't stop using the term "hacker" correctly in a sentence, I will send them cease and desist orders--through federal court, if necessary--to have them stop using the term incorrectly! Anyone caught linking to a story about "hackers" without paying me a royalty is also in my debt. Assuming, USPTO is amenable to this, I will then move to patent the term cracker, then maybe the DoS acronym.
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-- Geof F. Morris