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Enter The 'Stupid Patent Tricks' Contest
As you know, Amazon has successfully patented "One Click Shopping," Barnes & Noble is angry about the patent, and Apple has bought into the idea. Such tomfoolery! This concept is no more deserving of a patent than something as basic as, say, the hyperlink.
So I decided to go Amazon one better and invent Zero Click Shopping:
"A method of using javascript or similar technology to produce a series of Web page-displayed images that, when "rolled over" by a customer's mouse in a predetermined order, either causes a purchase to be consummated or causes a series of preselected items to be placed in a single customer-accessible data file so that the customer can purchase all selected items at the same time instead of having to perform a series of separate transactions."
Remember, you saw it here first!
If anyone tries to patent this silly, rather obvious concept from this day forward, you can point them to this article to show that is was instantly obvious to anyone familiar with the "state of the art," which means that this idea should not be patentable.
But nowadays, the head of the USPTO seems to believe that every boneheaded concept deserves patent protection, and that if you don't like a patent, you are supposed to hire a lawyer and take it to court. Gaaah!
So let's take the idea and lampoon it -- minus the legal fees, of course.
Write a patent summary. It can be for anything, as long as it sounds credible and is written in patent-talk or a reasonable parody thereof. Post it here. We'll let the Slashdot moderators decide which ideas have merit (or at least humor value) and which don't.
The Slashdot Authors, acting in all of their usual chaotic glory, will decide which of the highest-moderated pseudo-patents wins the grand prize.
Three Honorable Mention winners will each receive a Slashdot t-shirt from ThinkGeek.
You must be a registered Slashdot user to win. Entries will be accepted until 11:59 p.m. (2359) GMT on Friday, October 13. Winners will be announced on Tuesday, October 16. Judges' decisions are final. (If you don't like them, hold your own contest, okay?) The purpose of this whole thing is to laugh, not to get rule-bound, so post away, have a good time, and may the dumbest... er... best ... idea win!
Powdered Cocaine to be mixed with the appropriate (secret) amounts of baking soda and water and cured at high heat to form a crumbly cake-like substance that can be cut into small cubes. This substance is to be used by placing into a glass pipe and smoked with the use of either a butane lighter, propane torch, or similar flame making instrument.
Yes, I have patented making and smoking crack. That's what some of these executives must be doing to apply for these patents.
LK
"Hi. This is my friend, Jack Shit, and you don't know him." - Lord Kano
Here. For those of you who don't follow The Onion, this story is about Micro$oft patenting ones and zeros, and forcing all other companies to pay them royalties. Probably the best example of a worst-case scenario with our patent system :P
Colin Winters
An initial mail is sent to the Microsoft Office family of email clients, wherein the SPAM reads their email address book, and propagates itself to all members of that address book. After propagation, the SPAM logically deletes or renames certain files, such as .dll and .vxd files and displays an advertisement for the charity of choice of the origin.
Contrary to the popular Melissa and I-Love-You advertising schema, the SPAM method involves a unique advertisement method of overwriting particular files for the explicit purpose of advertising.
This application for patent 31337-68797968 comes in lieu of the failure of the Java Remote File Deletion Function.
I think Asimov (or was it Clarke?) had a story where a person was able to patent the wheel and get royalty payments from everyone.
Funny thing is, this story is at least 5 years old, far before the recent wave of obvious patents.
-- Ever notice that fast-burning fuse looks exactly the same as slow-burning fuse? I didn't... (Edgar Montrose)
I'm patenting a new keyboard that has one new key on it. The new key is the sig key, and it's such a revolutionary idea, I NEED a patent just to stop others from copying this idea.
Here's the deal. After seeing the degredation of english grammar as we know it on the web, I thought to myself, "Why do we even need that big long key at the bottom of the keyboard?" I mean, no one uses it anymore on the web, right? Everyonejusttypeslikethis, becauseit'smoreconvenient, right? So, I spent countless hours calculating what would be the best way to utilize that waste of spac! My revolutionary new idea: the sig key.
There are never any hastles with the sig key! Within that one little key lies your complete private life! On Microsoft's web site? Need to access the help manuals but aren't "registered?" Worry no more! As soon as it asks for your registration, just hit the sig key, and Microsoft will have access to your social security number, all your credit card numbers, your bank account number, birth date, domestic information, marital status, health insurance records, high school and college transcripts, crime records, and the name of the dog you owned when you were 8 years old who got run over by your dad by accident one day after he purchased his brand new SUV. Microsoft will gladly give you access to any part of their website with just one click of the keyboard! There's no hastle and no need to worry with the sig key!
The sig key is a revolutionary new idea that makes one-click shopping obselete. You won't have any problems with Amazon.com. If you see something you like, hit the sig key, and Amazon.com has the right to bill your credit card for millions of dollars and ships to you a bunch of crappy merchandise! The way I figure it, you know you want it, but all to often your mind says no before your fingers say yes! So, heck, let this key make up your mind for you! There isn't even a need to worry over what you want, cause you'll get it all!
Companies across the web are so excited, they'll offer deals if you hit the sig key while on their webiste! Who needs privacy when you can get a free CueCat for hitting the sig key while on Radio Shack's website! Want that brand new computer on WalMart's website? With one flick of the finger, not only will WalMart be ecstatic over giving you a new computer, they'll bill thousands of dollars of other merchandise to you that they're certain you may not have wanted but need anyway! You'll have SO MUCH merchandise at your fingertips, you'll never be able to part with your keyboard! You can't even begin to imagine what you'll receive in using the sig key on government websites!
But that's not all! Right now, we're having a great promotional with this new keyboard! Order today, and you'll get with it a free AOL CD to just give you a taste of the merchandise that will flow to your fingertips after using this new keyboard! To set up AOL, just pop the CD into your CD-ROM drive, run the setup program, then when the program connects you to AOL, just hit the sig key to go online! If you want more time, just hit the sig key a few more times. Heck, hit it as many times as you want, and watch your available time online skyrocket!
As another added bonus, order today, and you'll receive the option of a second and third sig key on your keyboard! We feel that with the decline of the shift key's popularity on the web, why waste space on the keyboard when you'll have a wider range of location to hit the sig key! Perfect for those of us who just cannot find a key to press when we need it! Supplies are limited, order today!
Sadly, Signal 11 has all the prior art.
A highly sophisticated (in most cases) sort of computer with no moving parts, powered mostly by oxygen, caffeine, and sugar, with nearly unlimited storage space (though it's not always all accessible when you need something from it) and an average working life of about 80 years. It never needs to be upgraded (would be a bit messy to try, anyway), and it needs no keyboard, mouse, or other input devices it didn't come with.
In short, I'm patenting the brain. Everyone pay up. Well, everyone except JonKatz. *runs like hell*
This is a Chao. A Chao says "Mu."
This contest does appear to be in vilation of the following patent.....
USP# 5,916,024
Title "System and method of playing games and rewarding successful players"
Issued : June 29, 1999
Author : Henry Von Kohorn
What is claimed is:
1. A method for playing a game sponsored by an advertiser and for rewarding successful players with a prize, comprising the steps of:
transmitting from a central location a first signal group comprising signals conveying a game including a task to which players at their locations
are intended to respond, said signals of said first signal group further conveying response criteria defining at least one acceptable response
to a task by a successful player and governing a scoring of a response of the successful player, the player responding to a task;
establishing a player identification for each of said players and a game identification for correlating each of said players with a game;
scoring a player's response in accordance with said response criteria to determine a successful player's first prize value;
transmitting information regarding the player's first prize information to the advertiser;
following receipt of said information, the advertiser formatting players' prize enhancing instructions;
transmitting to players' locations a second signal group comprising signals conveying product information of the advertiser and prize
enhancing instructions of the advertiser to determine a player's total prize value;
enhancing a player's first prize value in accordance with said instructions to determine the player's total prize value;
providing at a location of the player a recording device programmable by signals of said second signal group;
programming said recording device by said signals; and
said recording device generating a record displaying said product information and the player's total prize information.
(It took me about 3 minutes to find this online..... )
-jon
Please enter my two submissions.
VOSW:
With the growth of our internet focusing more and more on wireless content and WAP (not to be taken as a racial slur), the industry needs to make more and more of our IP-like services compatible with wireless technology. Here I will present a wireless layer 1 medium for transmitting channelized voice content which I call "Voice Over Sound Wave", or "VOSW". Just like optical fiber, this transport will have both short and long haul modes, when aided by repeating devices known as a "Miniature Input Kinetic Enhancer" or "MIKE". There are already several layer two protocols in the works to provide stateful direction of VOSW broadcasts, and even higher layer transports that will allow datagram acknowledgement in order to facilitate what is known as a "conversation".
Layer 0 Switching:
A method of utilizing the latest advancements in quantum computing technology to solve internet congestion and latency issues utilizing switching at "Layer 0", also known as the "Time and Space Layer". Scientists are on the verge of breakthrough technology to allow tachyons to carry data signals faster than the speed of light. This would allow routing and switching devices to take advantage of the elementary physics of the universe to ease congestion. For instance, traffic flowing from a source hop to a destination hop can arrive at the destination before it ever actually leaves the source. A source hop can also decide not to send a packet that it knows will be discarded by the destination hop in a few milliseconds. Also, peak internet usage times can be relieved through related technology known as "Layer 0 Tunneling". Traffic during peak hours can be sent ahead in time through a layer 0 tunnel to later hours that same day, routed across an internetwork, then pulled back into its previous time-space continuum. The internet may never be the same again!
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I have not yet begun to procrastinate!
A method for shopping on the World Wide Web whereby the user need not click on the items to be purchased. Instead, icons representing the items to be purchased are dragged into an iconic representation of a shopping cart. When the user is ready to check out, they drag the shopping cart icon to the icon of the checkout register.
Implementation can be done using JavaScript, Dynamic HTML, or various other dynamic web-based technologies.
Software sucks. Open Source sucks less.
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A special selection of edible, or semi-edible food products that can be eaten with one hand. This allows the end user to eat such foods while being able to carry out other tasks with the other hand. This technology will allow more people to work throughout their lunch break.
U.S. Patent Application:
The concept of submitting a message to a Web-Based-Message-Board [1] chronologically before all other submitters is hereby declared to be the proprietary innovation "First Posting". I have reviewed the entire Web to ensure that no prior art exists. The concept of Fist Posting is heretofore my proprietary technique.
Anyone who infringes upon my patent will be sued.
[1] Message boards such as www.slashdot.org.
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What happens when you outlaw guns
Biological Lens Intermitent Natural Kovering(tm) consists of a sytems of organic, naturally synthesized thin tissue membranes, which when operated permit natural remoisturization of an organic lens system. The intermitent nature of this system permits extended periods of visibility without extended periods of dryness or irritation. Using the "BLINK" system, a user may view objects at near unlimited resolution without suffering from redraw effects. Biological Lens Intermitent Natural Kovering may also be used to provide short term shielding of biological lens systems from minor irritants and extremes of brightness.
-Jason
If I could only live my life with my threshold at 4...
You are in violation of patent #-683, a patent owned by the company I currently represent. This patent covers the process of online contests whereby entries are posted in a moderated forum to be reviewed by a judge outside the moderation system.
t
If they say that business processes cannot be patented, then create a web site that implements the business process of patenting, and patent *that*.
Then sue them for having an internal Intranet system that infringes on your patent.
Abstract
A method for soliciting peer recognition (both positive and negative), in the form of commentary (both explicit text-based replies and implicit via ratings of those replies). These goals are accomplished through a number of techniques, including: (1) Exploiting the Linux evangelism meme, (2) Exploiting the Linux distribution evangelism memes, (3) Exploiting the Microsoft bashing meme, (4) Exploiting the gratuitous mention of "Natalie Portman" meme, (5) Exploiting the humorous haiku meme, (6) Exploiting the Napster controversy meme, (7) Exploiting the criticism of JonKatz meme, (8) Exploiting the "I know you're going to mod me down for this" meme, (9) Exploiting the Beowulf meme, (10) Exploiting the redundant story meme, (11) Exploiting the redundant story meme, (12) Exploiting the "CmdrTaco can't spell" meme, (13) Exploiting the "Slashdot Cruiser" meme.
Claims
1) All mindless Linux evangelism and trolling, done solely for the purpose of garnering replies and attention, is covered by this patent. This claim should also be construed to include any and all benchmark data.
2) Any mention of a Linux distribution, by someone who hasn't personally installed and run at least three different distributions, is likewise covered under this patent. Any addition, any mention of Redhat releases that end in ".0" are additionally covered by this claim.
3) Virtually any mention of Microsoft is covered by the claim.
4) All references to "Natalie Portman" that don't revolve around a discussion of her serious work as an actress are covered by this claim. "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" does not count as a serious work and is thus included in the claim.
5)
Any message with
seventeen syllables is
covered by this claim.
6) Virtually any mention of Napster is covered by this claim. This includes references to Metallica, Lars, and Napster-like programs, such as Gnutella and Mojo Nation.
7) While any mentions of JonKatz would logically be covered by the scope of this claim, the claimant is hearby waiving all claims in this area, so that people may still freely bitch about JonKatz.
8) Given the number of highly modded posts with the phrase "I know I'm going to get modded down for this, but...", the claim is made that this is the one guaranteed way in which to shamelessly and indirectly beg for positive moderation. This claim is intended to cover both the practice as well as the subsequent moderation, thus moderators who do not license this patent may only mod down posts containing this phrase.
9) Any and all mentions of building a Beowulf cluster out of Linux boxes, fish, belly-button lint, or any other conceivable item shall be covered by this claim, with the exception of actual Beowulf cluster discussions. The concept of building a Beowulf cluster out of Natalie Portmans shall be covered by both this claim and claim #4, and will also be referred to any relevant medical ethics boards over the issue of human cloning.
10) Any complaints that a story got posted multiple times, while possible accurate, shall still be covered by this claim.
11) Any complaints that a story got posted multiple times, while possible accurate, shall still be covered by this claim.
12) Any criticisms of CmdrTaco's spelling and/or grammar shall be covered by this claim, unless such criticisms are also accompanied by an offer by the critic to serve as an unpaid proofreader for all Slashdot postings.
13) Any mention of the Slashdot Cruiser, with the exception of news related to the contest itself, shall be considered to fall under this claim. The concept of building a Beowulf cluster out of Slashdot Cruisers shall be covered by both this claim and claim #4.
...the term hacker, and all its variants--elite hacker, 31337 h4X0r, etc. If various news organizations don't stop using the term "hacker" correctly in a sentence, I will send them cease and desist orders--through federal court, if necessary--to have them stop using the term incorrectly! Anyone caught linking to a story about "hackers" without paying me a royalty is also in my debt. Assuming, USPTO is amenable to this, I will then move to patent the term cracker, then maybe the DoS acronym.
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-- Geof F. Morris