Fleeing Jurassic Park III

Minutes into Jurassic Park III, the movie I'd planned to review, I lost it. It was obvious we'd all seen this movie before, only in better-written, more vivid and original form. The bottom line is that dinosaurs keep getting smarter, while screenwriters are getting dumber. Anybody dumb enough to get on that island again deserves what he gets. The raptors are getting as familiar and menacing as Mickey Mouse. So I bolited, skipped illegally across the hallways of the megaplex to write a weekly wrap-up instead. I saw Legally Blonde, Score, and the big romantic comedy of the summer, America's Sweethearts. The latter, despite the great cast, is a near-total disaster. What can you say about a week in which the most entertaining movie was Legally Blonde? Hang on for Planet of the Apes next Friday.

We are deep into the summer doldrums, and to what is shaping up as a sub-par movie summer. Score (Robert DeNiro, Edward Norton, Marlon Brando) is a stylish, genial, high-end crime saga, one of those old-style movies in which the good guys are classy, harm no one, have high ethical standards, and have the neatest tools in the world. The movie is a bit flat and predictable. There is the by-now standard deranged computer hacker who screams at his mom while stuffing junk food into his mouth and hacking into the most sophisticated computer systems in the world in nano-seconds to find out anything anybody wants to know. DeNiro plays an aging burglar who is depressed about having to do one more big score so he can get out of the game and shack up with Angela Bassett. But in this movie, DeNiro is a little too depressed. Norton, a young wannabe, takes him on. Norton does a great job of playing a pseudo-psychotic who keeps you guessing right up to the end precisely what he is capable of. The movie is worth seeing, if only to see these good actors, atmospheric scenes of Montreal, and an aging Brando do one or two neat scenes that suggest the great actor still has it.

Legally Blonde (Reese Witherspoon) suggests another dumb teen movie, but manages to transcend the genre. Witherspoon plays a seemingly brainless but good-hearted Malibu-Barbie type who applies to Harvard Law School to pursue her snotty boyfriend (who dumps her once he's admitted because he needs someone more serious) and who, in the name of diversity, gets admitted. The twist is that this airhead is a sympathetic victim, turned on by snotty peers, jeering classmates, and insulting professors. You know the plot without seeing the movie, but one interesting thing about this film, which goes against expectations, is the way Witherspoon's (who was great in Clueless) character [note: Actually, that was Alicia Silverstone, but who can tell? -T] hangs on to her odd values. If movies are a barometer of anything, this one may be telling us it's okay to obsess on manicures and how you look again. There are, of course, all of the familiar cliches about elitist kids and Harvard. Hollywood needs some new targets. But still, this is the most enjoyable movie I saw all week, which says something.

America's Sweethearts is the summer's most ballyhooed romantic comedy. This should have been a knockout movie. It has a great cast -- Billy Crystal, John Cusack, Julia Roberts, Stanley Tucci, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Christopher Walken, and a great target to feast on -- Hollywood hype, studio culture, and press junkets. Who better than Billy Crystal to write and star in this kind of a movie?

But America's Sweethearts is a shockingly awful movie. The truth is, when push comes to shove, any film is often simply about the writing, something that did in Final Fantasy, and the writing in this one is just terrible. The movie is crammed with slapstick gags that aren't funny, a plethora of masturbation and penis jokes (the Farrelly Brothers do this a lot better), and just crummy dialogue. It's a major disappointment, given the talent involved, maybe one of the biggest of the summer. This movie has about five laughs in its nearly two long and arduous hours.

Personally, the movie I've been waiting for all summer is coming out next week -- the re-make of Planet Of The Apes. According to the movie mags, they were re-shooting the end of this movie as recently as last week, a bad sign. But there's always hope, even this summer.

Comments

Witherspoon in Clueless?

[Anonymous Coward]

Wasn't that Alicia Silverstone that was in Clueless, not Witherspoon? She was in Election and Pleasantville. Both fine movies.

Re:Clueless?

[Anonymous Coward]

Haven't you figured it out? I mean, after reading Jon Katz's articles for so long, I've come to one, undeniable conclusion.

Jon Katz doesn't watch movies.

That's right. I'm almost certain he writes his reviews based on the trailers. "Hey, that Witherspoon chick looks kinda familiar. Wasn't she in......CLUELESS! Yes! I'll put that in my review! And of course, I know the plot before I see the movie; that qualifies me totally, 100% to write an objective, unbiased, informative review."

One the off chance that he actually makes it into a movie theater, he's mumbling "What a goddamned shitty movie" to himself as he is paying for his popcorn.

When he sits down and the film reel starts, he reviews the movies in the pre-feature trailers - each one of them being a horrible muddle of teen-insulting drama permeated by violence and shallow characters. Including That-New-Disney-Flick(tm).

Gene Siskel would be proud. *cough*

Minutes into? How many minutes?

[JohnnyBolla]

I'll be the first to admit that I am disappointed by many movies, but minutes? This movie could have kicked ass, but you'll never know if you left "minutes" into it.

Re:Movies suck now.

[e_lehman]

Hollywood just has too few ideas in its collective mind:

• Every movie must be set in New York or Los Angeles. If, by oversight, the setting is actually someplace else, then that someplace will be depicted as a New York or Los Angeles resident would imagine it. (Which is pretty much like New York or Los Angeles, but papered over with some shallow stereotypes.)
• Everyone in every movie aspires to be famous, rich, powerful, and glamorous-- much like someone who goes to Los Angeles or New York to be in the movie industry. No one aspires to a stable job, a good family, and fun with friends. That's just dumb. Who would do that?
• There must be a love interest. Middle of the Peal Harbor bombing? Love interest. Legal thriller? Love interest. Man struggling alone across Greenland icecap? Uh, flashbacks to love interest. And she meets him at the end. And seems him off. And, um, parachutes in briefly to resupply him.
• At all key moments, viewers must be provided with unambiguous guidance on how to feel in the form of an overdone musical score.
• A character that survives torture, escapes through a crocodile-infest swamp, and then blows up the enemy fortress must endure an artful dirt smudge on the cheek and a modestly torn shirt to indicate his or her travails. (Fortunately, there was a discount laundry/dry cleaner, not depicted, just outside the crocodile-infested swamp.)
• The entire world constantly hangs by a thread, but everything Turns Out Okay in the end.
• There are good guys, and there are bad guys. Moral ambiguity is right out. ("Well, gee, that 'bad guy' really kinda has a legitimate point there, when you think about it"-- NO! BAD! CUT-CUT-CUT!)
• [insert your own here]

I've taken to watching foreign films. Subtitles are a drag, and I often miss cultural references, but at least there is some variety. And a foreign film has to really prove itself to get into Blockbuster. In contrast, it seems that worse an American film is, the more the studios hype it in order to compensate.

hmm

[Docrates]

Anybody dumb enough to get on that island again deserves what he gets

And anybody dumb enough to go see that movie deserves what he gets...

Honestly, didn't you know what to expect when you went to see it? I did, I knew exactly what I was gonna get, and that's what I got. No more No less. But at least I'm not complaining...

Re:The advert says...

[the gnat]

Remember, the character in the book is totally different. I read an article (part of a larger book about Hollywood vs. history) by Stephen Jay Gould that described this quite nicely: basically, Crichton's Ian Malcolm is ranting about how the park system is too complex, how the science and technology involved is beyond current understanding- thus it's inevitable that something will fail, because "shit happens."

In the movie, however, it's "life will find a way", the usual Hollywood BS about the limitations of human endeavor, arrogant scientists destroying us all, etc. The point is _totally_ changed into something Joe Sixpack and the scriptwriters can understand. There's a world of difference between these worldviews, which most people miss- it's the single largest difference between the book and the movie.

By the way, you should watch "Silverado", a mid-80s western (along with "Unforgiven", one of the few great movies in the genre to come out in the last 20 years). It's got a superb cast (Kevin Kline, Danny Glover, Scott Glenn, Kevin Costner, Brian Dennehy, etc.), and Jeff Goldblum plays a very oily bad guy. Much different.

-Nat

What has the MPAA done now?

[martyb]

Minutes into Jurassic Park III, the movie I'd planned to review, I lost it. [...] So I bolited

Bolited? Hmmm, the closest word to this that I could find was:

bolide n : a very luminous meteor (sometimes exploding) [syn: fireball]

Heh. Image comes to mind of a new MPAA video content protection scheme: critics who don't like a film are caused to explode, thus acting as a warning to others... would YOU want to copy a film that might make you blow up, to? :)

Planet of the apes?....

[3-State Bit]

Personally, the movie I've been waiting for all summer is coming out next week -- the re-make of Planet Of The Apes.

....I think I'll wait for the musical.

Snippets follow, curtesy of the simpsons. The broadway show has now been in preparation for I don't know how many years! I can't wait for it to come out!

"Dr. Zaius"

Ape: Help, the human's about to escape.
Troy: Get your paws off me, you dirty ape.
Ape: [gasping] He can talk!

Apes: [in unison, rythmed] He can talk
He can talk
He can talk
He can talk
He can talk
He can talk

Troy: [singing] I can siiiiiing!

[funky beat of "Rock Me Amadeus" starts playing]

Female Nurse Ape: Ooh, help me Dr. Zaius!
Apes: [in unison] Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius
Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius
Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius
Oh... Dr. Zaius
Ape: Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius.

Troy: What's wrong with me?
Zaius: I think you're crazy.
Troy: Want a second opinion.
Zaius: You're also lazy.

Apes: [in unison] Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius
Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius
Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius

[one ape starts breakdancing]

Oh... Dr. Zaius
Ape: Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius.

Troy: Can I play the piano anymore?
Zaius: Of course you can.
Troy: Well I couldn't before!

[plays piano]

"You'll Never Make a Monkey Out of Me"

Troy: [singing] I hate every ape I see
From chimpan-a to chimpan-zee
No, you'll never make a monkey out of me

Oh my God, I was wrong
It was Earth all along

You've finally made a monkey
Apes: Yes, we've finally made a monkey
Troy: Yes, you've finally made a monkey out of me
Apes: Yes, we've finally made a monkey out of you

Troy: I love you, Dr. Zaius!

~

taking jonkatz to school

[rfsayre]

Dear Jon, Good try. In the interest of brevity, I will not remark on any misuse of the endash. Consider the colon, semi-colon, or rewording instead.

So I bolited, skipped illegally across the hallways of the megaplex to write a weekly wrap-up instead.
"Bolted" is spelled wrong. "Illegally" is misplaced. There should probably be an "and" after the comma.

What can you say about a week in which the most entertaining movie was Legally Blonde? Hang on for Planet of the Apes next Friday.
Well, you seemed to say quite a bit. If you were serious the article would have ended there. What can you say about a review that confirms its futility in the first paragraph?

We are deep into the summer doldrums, and to what is shaping up as a sub-par movie summer.
This sentence doesn't read well. Say it out loud. The phrase "sub-par movie summer" should not be used by a professional writer.

Score (Robert DeNiro, Edward Norton, Marlon Brando) is a stylish, genial, high-end crime saga, one of those old-style movies in which the good guys are classy, harm no one, have high ethical standards, and have the neatest tools in the world. The movie is a bit flat and predictable.
One sentence, three lists, eight commas. Following that ornate creation, we have the choppiest sentence in the article. Interesting juxtaposition.

The movie is worth seeing, if only to see these good actors, atmospheric scenes of Montreal, and an aging Brando do one or two neat scenes that suggest the great actor still has it.
"Seeing" or "see", one of them has to go. Professional writers generally don't use the adjective "neat", unless they mean "tidy."

Witherspoon plays a seemingly brainless but good-hearted Malibu-Barbie type who applies to Harvard Law School to pursue her snotty boyfriend (who dumps her once he's admitted because he needs someone more serious) and who, in the name of diversity, gets admitted.
Whoa.

But still, this is the most enjoyable movie I saw all week, which says something.
But we know not what.

The truth is, when push comes to shove, any film is often simply about the writing, something that did in Final Fantasy, and the writing in this one is just terrible.
Again, whoa. On of the first two prepositional phrases has to go. The rest of the sentence is terrible and should be srapped. Bad use of pronouns, undescriptive adjectives, and questionable sentence structure.

I hope I wasn't too hard on you. Your sentence structure would improve a great deal if you chose more appropriate adjectives.

Art At Home

Nice Example, Katz

[dasmegabyte]

How are we supposed to attack the presiding notion of Free Software and Peer to Peer as being havens for social agitators and communists if we've got movie swiping criminals like Katz speaking for us?

Way to set back the movement, JK. Couldn't you just have accepted the lame dinosaurs and toughed it out???

Re:Nice Example, Katz

[Waffle Iron]

This particular form of intellectual property theft has been going on since the first duplex theater was opened. The politicians probably have warm fuzzy memories if sneaking into movies when they were kids; it's as American as apple pie. Hence, no reason to create special new laws like the DMCA to stamp out the perpetrators.

sneaking into movie == clever kid
watching DVD in wrong region == felon

Clueless jonkatz

[jparp]

If jonkatz is getting paid to write these junior high school calibre reviews, then you guys need to seriously consider finding someone else. First, his jurassic park III "review" was a cop-out, (you can't just leave and say it sucked) His sloppy rants lack accuracy (ie, the witherspoon/clueless screw up)any kind of insight, and are void of any valid arguments. How old is he, twelve? i'm all for personal opinion, but if you're gonna post on a good page, you should at least use/have some skill.

"it was a dark and stormy night"

Review of Jurassic Suck 3

[JBowz15]

This movie has us believe that raptors aren't just intelligent, they're super intelligent - smarter than primates...even smarter than Sam Neill! (Definitely smarter than the screenwriters.) Weren't they just "clever" in the first movie? Now they all gather and confer before killing someone. At this rate, by JP4 they'll all be using Debian Linux, wearing monocles and twirling mustaches: "Well, Dr. Grant, we meet again. You shan't escape me a third time!"

Editorial Effort [Re:Witherspoon in Clueless?]

[UberOogie]

I'm not one to get on the bandwagon of naysaying the site, but exactly how long would it have taken Katz to go to the IMDB to check this fact if he wasn't positive of its veracity?

Fifteen seconds? Twenty?

I've worked in publishing. People get fired every day for making mistakes less than this.

It is just shoddy.