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Star Trek: Enterprise Reactions?
So, what did you think of it? The theme song has to go. Commander Tucker ("Kumanduh Tuckah") needs to get a personality other than "he'll be just like McCoy, only clumsy and stupid". Is it really necessary to rehash "cold emotionless Vulcans vs. thoughtless, reckless humans"? That plot device was old thirty years ago and it's physically painful to watch now. How can armor plating go "offline"? Electromagnetic shields maybe, but one of the virtues of a hunk of steel is that it doesn't go "offline". And what's with the soft porn? I was waiting for the bow-chicka-bow-wow music to kick in. CT: I didn't get to see it! I don't get UPN! Curses!
I thought I might be the only one who thought it sucked ass. I even called a friend of mine (BIG ST fan) half way through, and he had the audacity to say, "It's good! I think you'll like it!" If I could have reached through the phone and beat him senseless, I would have...Here's an email I sent to another friend, detailing my initial reaction...I apologize for the obsenities.
Oh, BTW, I'm mildly pissed off right now. Tom talked me into watching the premiere of Enterprise...now, it was against my better judgment, but in the end, I said, "What the fuck. If I don't watch it, I won't know."...So, I watched it. And it sucked ass. No, it sucked more than ass...it sucked fucking ass. And balls. And cock. And a fucking yak. Why did it suck a fucking yak? I don't know...but it sucked fucking yak cock! A DEAD fucking yak cock! It was that bad. The only part worth watching was the part at the beginning when farmer Joe takes a futuristic shotgun to Klingon Bob. And the credits were good...provided you turned the sound off....Fucking N'Sync. That was it. The rest of the 2 hours was Scott Bakula running around saying, "Vulcans suck! Yay Earth!", and the vulcan bitch, T'PMS running around being bitchy...
And speaking of the characters, it was like they took all the old series, tossed them into a blender, and plastered up the pulsating grey pussy ooze on my television and called it 'Characterization'....First, the fucking doctor...Think Garek meets The Voyager Doctor meets fucking Neelix. I think he's Cardassian. I think. They probably just slapped some putty on his face and said, "Good enough."
Then, the engineer. Think Bashir. Close your eyes when he's talking, and you won't be able to tell the difference. He's almost bearable....I say this because he got barely any air time. A drunk scottsman could kick his ass any day of the week.
Their navigator. Think fucking annoying Wesley Crusher meets Tom Paris meets his ass getting kicked on a weekly basis by bullies who want his lunch money.
Then, the communications officer. Here we have Barclay meets Troy meets every other woosy character that's ever made an appearance on any show.
Rounding things out, they have what I THINK is their weapons officer. Maybe I have him and Bashir 2.0 confused...Fuck if I know. He's a fucking moron. The entire Voyager writing team combined. Heaven help them if he's in charge of anything that requires an IQ of more than 2 to operate. "Uh Captain. I pushed this buttony thingy, and my leg came off. What should I do?"
(Watch this be his big line in next week's show...I know I won't!)
I've already mentioned the science officer. T'Bitch. 'Nuff said.
Then, we get to Mr. Bakula. I don't know about you, but he just doesn't strike me as a captain-y type. His big accomplishment in 2 hours of crappy video? Let's see...He managed to get shot...twice...sorta. (the second one was in 'The Room of Goofy Camera Effects', so it didn't count...and he only got the front part...the hurt-causing part came later.) He manage to get captured by crappy aliens. He managed to turn on the big flashy thing that makes the bad guy's base fall apart. And he managed to do it without saying 'Oh Boy'. But you know he was thinking it.
As for the battle scenes? There was one sort of...The Enterprise managed to get it's ass kicked by interstellar tinker toys. I kid you not. It spent most of it's time hiding from them.
The plot? What there was of it? Well, let's just say it involved 'Genetically engineered' aliens (who all happen to look the same...fuck, I hate clones!) taking orders from a shadowy figure from the future of an alternate reality! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!
I just want to take over the world...Why does that automatically make me EVIL?
1. What deodorant ad did they steal that theme song from?
2. The climax consisted of two guys wrasslin over a laser pistol. I was on the edge of my seat, weren't you?
3. I think Berman, when he named one of his characters "Seven of Nine", was making a secret reference to how he comes up with plotlines for episodes. This one was no different. "Uh, send them to that planet, and then they get shot at, and then one of them gets left behind, and then they have to risk the ship to save him. What shite! (Anybody who thinks I just did a spoiler is an idiot--every fucking Star Trek Episode since DS9 aired has been off the rack).
4. You can tell how even the producers knew how lame this witless show would be. It took Voyager something like 3 seasons before they were forced to haul in the plastic tits to save a dead show from cancellation. Here, they're not even going to bother to wait.
Studio Hack 1: "Hey Rick, nobody's going to watch this garbage."
Studio Hack 2: "Well, shit, Brannon. Lets just throw tits at them."
SH1: "OK, which astro-bimbo's sports bra are we going to fill with Play-Doh?"
SH2: "Well , shit, Brannon, why just one? Give em all tits--big ones!"
SH1: "Rick, I still don't think it's sexy enough."
SH2: "Well, shit, Brannon, put em in a decompression tank, strip em and... grease em down! Oh, and make sure you tell the camera man to pan over her ass a few times--slowly."
5. I'm sorry, but I don't watch Star Trek to see some himbo getting his hairy-ape legs greased down and then turning around so we get a profile of his Big Fat Boner.
6. They had the chance to get some really cool retro looking tech, and be inventive with how lame everything would have been. Instead, the tech on the show looks more advanced than The Original Series! Even the communicators were smaller than Kirk's! Now, I know there are people with cell phones smaller than these things, but couldn't they have come up with some kind of aesthetic response to this? Nope. "Get out the cookie cutter, we're makin a show here!"
7. No imagination, no initiative, no character, no invention. Mediocrity incarnate.
8. People will say: "wait till it gets its stride". Horseshit. These are the same people that were working on The Next Generation. They should know by know how to do one of these. The reason it sucked so bad was because they *DID* hit their stride--8 years ago. They've been in Recycle Mode ever since. It's not going to get any better. Its going to continue to suck in exactly the same way Voyager sucked for 7 years. If they couldn't come up with original characters, an original premise, or even some fresh conflict for the pilot freaking episode, then I have no hope.
Me, I refuse to give this pile of crap any more of my time.
Che Puzzo! Quel Fromage! What Tripe!
For instance, we're looking at the later appearance of the Klingons...
Psst. Hey, fanboy, you wanna know what Worf didn't want to tell you in that episode about the Klingon appearance change?
It's called "having a special effects budget."