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IgNobel Awards
how_would_i_know writes: "I've always suspected there was a coconut conspiracy... now there's proof. :-)" We might as well follow-up on our earlier story with a list of the IgNobel Winners. Stalin World! A study of glee! And of course, a true breakthrough, the solution to the shower curtain mystery.
Ok, I bet he only patented the ROUND wheel.
I'll patent the wheel composed of a high number
of flat sides arranged as a regular polygon.
That'll get him....
...and try this address for winners...
http://www.improb.com/ig/ig-2001-winners.html
All this time I've been thinking I was a freak, it turns out I'm just suffer from Rhinotillexomania. Gross activities seem so much more benign once you stick a scientific name on them. Now I just need to do something about all the crud stuck to the underside of my desk.
"Group glee doesn't happen alone."
Gosh, how insightful! Never in a million years would I have known that group glee cannot happen when you're alone!
Stalin, while relaxing in a tropical amusement park, picking his nose, was struck by a coconut, prompting a brilliant idea! He immediately dragged his car (he couldn't get any wheel's, because they were patented) to his workshop and made a set of airproof underpants. He considered using charcoal filter's to absorb fart's, but because it would have to be changed, he instead leveraged his recent singularity research to create a small, contained black hole.
To test them, knowing that adult's might be too polite to be honest or too dignified to participate, he gathered together a group of children. The test's were held in a shower to handle any accidents that might result from forced farting. It worked brilliantly. The children tried them in turn's, and not an unpleasant whiff escaped.
For a final test, Stalin tried them on himself and stepped into the shower and strained with all his strength. Unfortunately, his mighty blast destabilized the black hole, causing him and the shower curtain to be sucked into it. At first thinking it all part of the fun, the children were overjoyed at the spectacle.
He was awarded an Ig Nobel Prize posthumously, though this is likely no consolation as he is presumed to live in an eternal hell of contained fart's.
(I swear it sounded like a good idea when I started writing...)
I mean, what a better proof could you find that (while patents are inherently a good thing) the way they're being handled of late is, well, kinda bad..
Does US5443036: Method of exercising a cat qualify? (IIRC, this won an IgNobel in a previous year)
Abstract:
A method for inducing cats to exercise consists of directing a beam of invisible light produced by a hand-held laser apparatus onto the floor or wall or other opaque surface in the vicinity of the cat, then moving the laser so as to cause the bright pattern of light to move in an irregular way fascinating to cats, and to any other animal with a chase instinct.
OK, where the hell is my grant???
....dogh!!
Keeping
The truly comic touch to this comes from IP Australian (the federal government agency which granted the patent in the first place) says...
"Don't reinvent the wheel. Searching worldwide patent information can help you avoid wasting time and money duplicating work done elsewhere"
(from here)
Candygram for Mongo!
I'll patent fire!
Claim 1: A process for the production of heat by the chemical combination of oxygen with solid, liquid, or gaseous substances.
Claim 2: The reduction in volume or weight of waste material by chemical combination with oxygen.
No, really. A square wheel will ride over a surface made of a series of half-circles (think: one long string of speedbumps) as if it were a round wheel going across a flat surface.