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The Monk and the Riddle
In light of the recent meltdown of all thinks internet-related, a book about entrepreneurs making deals with Venture Capitalists might seem a bit quaint. This book might be the exception. By emphasizing what is eternal, while also criticizing several specific attributes of the formerly hot IPO market, Randy Komisar points us towards a prescription for the recovery which will come with the next round of investment.
The capsule bio says that Randy Komisar is currently a "Virtual CEO" which means that he serves as a vizier for the real CEOs of several startups. Nice work if you can get it... all the visionary stuff without any of that nasty nuts and bolts stuff... He started his career in Providence RI, where he helped to run a concert promotion business (sounds like it was pretty loose and crazy -- a good introduction to the unstructured environment of a startup). He got a law degree and practiced law at a "prestigious" law firm before chucking his chance for making partner to go work contracts at Apple Computer in the mid-1980s. He also co-founded Claris Corp when Apple spun it out. He was CFO of GO Corp, as described in Jerry Kaplan's book Startup. He served as CEO at LucasArts Entertainment (games) and another small game company. Among his "Virtual CEO" successes are WebTV and TiVo.
Liner notes:
"What would you be willing to do for the rest of your life?
It's a question most of us consider only hypothetically -- opting instead to "do what we have to do" to earn a living. But in the critically acclaiimed bestseller The Monk and the Riddle, entrepreneurial sage Randy Komisar asks us to answer it for real. The book's timeless advice -- to make work pay not just in cash, but in experience, satisfaction, and joy -- will be embraced by anyone who wants success to come not just from what they do, but from who they are. At once a fictional tale of Komisar's encounters with a would-be entrepreneur and a personal account of how Komisar found meaning not in work's rewards but in work itself, the book illustrates what's wrong with the mainstream thinking that we should sacrifice our lives to make a living. Described by Fortune.com as "part personal essay, part fictional narrative and part meditation on the nature of work and life," The Monk and the Riddle is essential reading on the art of creating a life while making a living."
The Monk and the Riddle might be viewed as self-help for the masses of soulless, gadget-laden marketroids patrolling Sand Hill Road, in search of a Venture Capital-financed conveyor belt to riches. Komisar presents his life's lessons as applied to the peculiar subculture of VCs, angel investors, and startup entrepreneurs. Owing to the author's varied career, he likely does have some wisdom to impart -- and the success he has achieved seems to indicate that he didn't need to write the book for the money.
The new edition includes a new preface which looks back on the e-commerce and internet meltdown. Komisar does not take credit for having "predicted" the collapse, but he seems to feel that the themes and observations of the book did indicate that venality had replaced innovation towards the end of the recent tulip mania.
Monk takes the form of a narrative interspersed with illustrative episodes from the author's (Komisar's) own career. The narrative traces a series of conversations between Komisar and a fictional would-be entrepreneur "pitching" his e-commerce concept in the hope of getting startup capital. In the narrative, Komisar uses the "show, don't tell" device of cinema to reveal some details about the culture of Silicon Valley. Since Komisar is not himself a VC, he can offer a few tidbits to the entrepreneur (and the reader) which a VC might not -- such as the reluctance of a VC to give a straight "no" answer to an entrepreneur looking for funding. He also offers some basic "Startup Business Plans 101" advice, such as the need to seek a sustainable competitive advantage.
Komisar does propose some specific techniques which a business can use to improve its chances for success. In the third chapter, he describes the role he assumes with the title of "Virtual CEO." Many executives and managers could use a trusted advisor or mentor to avoid some of the worst pitfalls, and such an advisory role is the one Komisar likes to assume. The proposed formalization of such an arrangement may be an important business innovation, particularly to the legions of inexperienced executives of startups. In the chapter titled "The Big Idea," the author presents the typical "so what?" question in a somewhat different light -- instead of asking why the market should be excited about the business idea, Komisar asks the entrepreneur to consider why the idea is compelling to the founders of the company itself. He argues that a company composed of people who are passionate only about getting rich are unlikely to succeed.
The central themes of the book are existential and philosophical, not the nuts-and-bolts of business plans and venture financing. Those marketroids who may have missed out on Existentialism 101 may benefit from this book, but more well-rounded and intellectual readers may find the message a bit obvious and belabored. Thankfully, Komisar spares us the typical schtick found in so many business books aimed at managers and executives. He appears to derive general management principles from empirical evidence, rather than serving up the usual conceited advice aimed at those executives who only read books in the airport. Komisar may hit us over the head sometimes, but when the lesson is that we should invest in people and not things, it's hard to fault him. Those who need this lesson likely need it to be stated as plainly as possible.
Overall, I would characerize The Monk and the Riddle as an engaging, if somewhat light, view into the culture of Venture Capitalists and Silicon Valley entrepreneurs. Those familiar with this culture will find episodes and observations to confirm their perceptions, while the accessibility of the narrative will offer a valuable glimpse of the nature of the place to outsiders.
Table of Contents
Preface to the New Edition: Postmortem
Prologue: The Riddle
Chapter 1: The Pitch
Chapter 2: The Rules of the Game
Chapter 3: The Virtual CEO
Chapter 4: The Deferred Life Plan
Chapter 5: The Romance, Not the Finance
Chapter 6: The Big Idea
Chapter 7: The Bottom Line
Chapter 8: The Art of Leadership
Chapter 9: The Gamble
Chapter 10: The Whole Life Plan
Epilogue: The Road
Is this book compatible with the New Technology included with Windows XP?
I want to be able to say "Yes I can" when I acquire this knowledge.
Thank you.
First Post !
The entire cast of Friends has head lice.
n/m
Why can't I just win a large Lotto ;-)
Just sit back and do absolutely Nothing...
Looking for any old 8-bit Heathkit/Zenith software/hardware - http://heathkit.garlanger.com
I'm not falling for that. After reading their previuos book "Goat in the middle" I am discusted.
You don't need a million dollars to do nothing.
Sounds like it's somewhere in the middle of "The New New Thing" and "The Tao of Pooh". In any case, if there's good stuff to be learned without having to suffer through it first hand, it's usually a good read. Thanks for the detailed post/review.
I liked the book. Nice, but alas too late. Who cares about this stuff now? I wish people had read it 10 months earlier and learnt that selling coffins on the net can not possible be a very good idea.
Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition....
just do what I do - pimp out da hoes!
"Monk" has a nice 'overhead view' of the people part of the equation. Other books in this genre that 'get it right' always focus on people,t oo.
"Burn Rate" was about people screwing over people. Guy Kawalski's startup books are about people self-dedicating themselves to motivating other people. "Monk"'s sort of in the middle, in a lot of ways. Of the set, I favor the pragmatics of Kawalski, but 'Monk' is more uplifting. "Burn Rate" is what you read when you get bitter.
At a certain point, you realize success is totally abut people. Not tech, not even business, just people.
(Though perhaps not as extreme as the sarcastic
Anyone Can Be an Internet Success-- Why Aren't You? article!)
A.
One of the greatest underutilized resources our country has today is the huge population of terminally ill adults. Of course, it must be horrifying to be diagnosed with a terminal disease, but in an odd way it also confers upon the patient a certain degree of freedom. For example, if such a patient has previously been shafted by a car dealer in town, he now has the option of leasing a sunroofed luxury sedan from them in June, driving it for two months without making a single payment, then parking it on a 100 degree day in August, having dumped 15 or 20 bushel baskets of hog intestines in thru the sun roof - have a nice day Mr. Dealer ! Or what about the ultimate "take this job and shove it" statement, the fantasy of every downtrodden worker in America - taking a huge shit on the bosses desk. Imagine your queasy boss having to call the Negro janitor in to clean it up ( "NO, its NOT my shit Leroy, just clean it up, damnit !" ). Yes, such a diagnosis is the passport to all kinds of fun and mayhem, but a serious problem still remains - the long term well being of the terminally ill patient's loved ones. This is where the Kranz Make A Wish Foundation comes in...
Certain foreign countries have long ago perfected the role of suicide missions - Omsala Bin Laden, fearing the Islamic world is about to be overrun by McDonalds and the Cindy Margolis Show, dispatches a couple of the faithful to bomb a U.S. destroyer; or the Hezbollah, bored by the Florida recount process, decide to suicide-bomb a commuter bus in downtown Tel Aviv. Why has the U.S. lagged so far behind in this game ? The goal of the Kranz Make A Wish Foundation is, in a nutshell, to facilitate the process by matching terminally ill patients with an entry on a list of people that desperately need killing. The specifics are as follows:
An internet site is set up with a descriptive home page. Each following page describes a target, the desired method of death, and the current bid amount. There are two buttons on each page, "I Accept" and "I Pledge". The latter button lets anyone contribute via the usual online credit card process to the total pool for this target. The first button is more serious - anyone who presses it is prompted for a barrage of information including 1) nature of illness 2) treating physician 3) executor of estate 4) home phone,etc. This information is verified and a face to face meet set up where an offshore bank account is set up with the appropriate procedures in place for the executor. If the target is executed according to web page instructions the executor is contacted to begin the transfer of wealth to the next of kin. The beauty of this plan is that its centered in a murder-friendly foreign country like Panama or Red China. Even the web site would be hosted off shore. To quote Al Gore, "There is no controlling legal authority !". The terminally ill patient would be given any necessary training ( small arms, explosives, whatever ) and a painless overdose of heroin to be used after the mission is completed, in the event that he/she does not perish with the target.
What would a sample target page look like ? Well, a few examples come to mind...
If the patient has ( or perhaps had ) relatives in Waco, Texas, he might get a chuckle out of this one. Janet Reno is abducted and brought to the top of one of those endless Washington DC federal building stairways ( you know, one of those with zillions of four inch high and 18 inch deep steps that go nowhere in a hurry ). There she is duct taped to a wheelchair, soaked in gasoline, set ablaze then given a gentle push down the stairs. The bumpy and jerky ride down to the bottom would be quite comical, and might, if taped, even qualify for America's Funniest Home Videos.
Law abiding gun owners in New York State who are sick of Chuck Schumer's Nazi antics to disarm them will appreciate Chuck's potential demise. He is abducted, dressed in women's underwear, and handcuffed to a stop sign in the South Bronx late one night. A hand lettered sign that reads "Parole Officer" is tied around his neck. The body is discovered next morning bleeding profusely from the rectum with several hundred bullet holes in his head and torso. A fitting end to one of the great rectal leeches of current political life. Automobile enthusiasts might appreciate Ralph Nader's page. This script calls for a restored 65 Chevy Corvair to be driven to the Palisades Cliffs just north of the GW bridge on the Jersey side. There a handcuffed Nader is put in the driver's seat. The steering wheel is tied to straight ahead, the throttle blocked wide open, then the transmission shifted into drive...watch out Ralph, unsafe at any speed ! Easier hits include: Domino's Pizza delivery man with 5 lbs plastic explosive taped to his chest knocks on Bill Clinton's NYC office door; cross dressing Barbara Streisand look alike with 5 lbs plastic explosive in his bra knocks on Hillary's Washington DC home front door - er actually this might also work for Bill.
Anyhow, you get the general idea. So remember sports fans, when you see the site, be generous with your "I Pledge" buttons and help rid America of political pests...
George Kranz, UPI
Chaos Caverns, Montana
I think it is safe to say that most men consider the perfect finale to fellatio to be climaxing into/onto a beautiful girl's face. Is it possible to separate the more immediate and simpler pleasure of the underlying ejaculation from the more complex sensual and aesthetic properties of the facial cumshot ?
Authorities are strangely silent on the question. One might expect that Alphonse Donatien de Sade, D.H. Lawrence, or Henry Miller would have covered the topic, but this writer is unaware of any such treatment in their works. Far be it for me to trod in their footsteps, but I shall attempt in this modest essay to shed some light on the problem.
I think any such investigation has to begin with acknowledging the relative rarity, or infrequency of the male orgasm. While a female, whose orgasm, after all, is biologically meaningless, can easily reach orgasm 20 or 30 times a day, most health/medical professionals and porn film directors recognize that one or two major or substantive ejaculations per day is about the limit for the average healthy male. Thus the male tends to place a higher value on his orgasm and since his ejaculate is the primary visual and tactile evidence of same, it's only natural that he attaches a great importance to it.
In fact it can be argued that for many men, the visual confirmation of orgasm becomes fused in the psyche with the orgasm itself. Both Jung and Adler have explored several examples of such fusion between physical sensations and their visual confirmation, but again, this author is unaware of any explicit treatment of ejaculation. Of course this visual confirmation is not limited to an attractive girl's Max Factored and Maybellined visage splashed with jissem; after all a guy can come on her belly or ass, sometimes to positive aesthetic effect, but if we accept fellatio as the ultimate treat for the male, then perhaps it stands to reason that the facial cumshot is the logically perfect conclusion.
One of the many appealing aspects of facial cumshots is their uniqueness - like snowflakes, each one is different. Even similar cumshots display subtle variations - here a particularly heavy strand of jissem is hanging delicately from a girls bangs, there a beautiful pair of lips is pouting with an enticing frosted covering. This of course leads the male on an endless quest for the perfect" cumshot - he is guaranteed to spend the rest of his life looking for it. The adult film industry really should be doing a better job in this endless quest. I mean, they are in a perfect situation - able to use some of the most beautiful women in the world, lots of cheap male actors, the directorial power to ensure that the end of every sex scene is a facial cumshot - why are there so many lame, uninspired facial cumshots out there ? Some of the guys look like they're on the fourth of fifth wad of the day. I propose an industry standard of 30 to 40 cc of ejaculate per cumshot. It should be simple to get across to the male actors - a higher rate of pay for substantial wads, and NO pay for watery, minuscule offerings. It's time for America to take the lead in this regard. Will any of our spineless politicians take action ?
The American medical establishment could lend its support here too. Surely there must be drugs/dietary aids that yield heavier amounts of ejaculate. Proposed name for sample drug: Mojiztrol. It would be nice if the average guy could fill up a Dixie cup with thick hot cum by taking a safe, easy to use prescription once or twice a day. Then when he finally gets a date with that hot new secretary at work, and she's going down on him and looks up at him and purrs "Cum in my face baby" he KNOWS he's not going to leave her disappointed. But alas, our medical research facilities waste time and money on boring shit like heart disease and AIDS.
By now, all devotees of adult entertainment must be familiar with the new sub-genre known simply as "Bukkake". I will not go into an historical/linguistic analysis of the term, but I will attempt to offer a sketch of the genre and ruminate a bit on some of the potential sociological implications of what I see as a significant advance in human behavior.
The original Japanese films portrayed a highly ritualized sex show where a demure young lass, usually in school girl or corporate uniform kneels in the center of a small room. There is usually some visual prop to emphasize her as the center of attention - velvet ropes hung from brass pedestals forming a fence around her, two or three rows of "security guards" who serve to control access to her.
The girl waits patiently, little or no emotion showing on her face as one by one, men who have been masturbating just off camera approach and ejaculate into her face.
Often there will be as many as 75 or 80 men. Sometimes the girl briefly fellates the man of the moment, sometimes not. There is usually no significant sound track ( ie.music or dialogue ) other than a few appreciative grunts and groans from the gents.
Although I find some Japanese women quite attractive, the Japanese bukkake films I've viewed leave me cold, kinda like watching an IBM documentary on their latest mainframe operating system.
Not to worry though, with characteristic Yanqui ingenuity and resolve, the U.S.porn industry has spotted a good idea, and improved it. The U.S. versions are considerably livelier, almost a party atmosphere. Some of the girls really get into the action, after all they are doing the best thing possible for their complexions -the natural vitamins and proteins in cum have long been known to help condition skin.
I'm really enthusiastic about the direction of the U.S. versions, a few of the latest films I've seen have been quite hot, and I think bukkake also has some promise as a general, amateur activity. Talk about a natural fund raiser - how many times have you been driving around and seen a church group or civic club selling car washes ? Now, who the hell wants to wash their car ? I let mine sit in the rain - works just fine.
But suppose you drove past a fire department and saw a large hand-lettered sign that read "Bukkake 5$" . You park, and walk into the station, ( which has been emptied of fire trucks for this occasion ), and lo and behold, a gorgeous brunette Demi Moore look alike is kneeling on a pillow in the center of the garage. Men mill around, drinking draft Heineken from a freshly tapped keg, bullshitting, and stroking their meat. One by one, as the need arises, they drift on over to Demi and shoot their load.
Her hair is streaked with strands of cum, cum hangs from her chin and occasionally falls to her bare breasts - she is grinning like a she-devil - a good time is had by all. Shit, you would donate 5 bucks and join the party, right ?
Bukkake is also a natural initiation rite in a least two ways. First, sororities at some of our rowdier campuses could require that all new members undergo a bukkake.
The beautiful debutante would kneel in the center of a large room in the sorority house while several invited fraternity houses mill around, swilling beer, and, uh, rising to the occasion. The debutante would have to fellate the three largest guys, the rest would have to service themselves. At the crucial moment guys move right next to or in front of the cutie and shoot their load. The whole party would be recorded on video for both the sorority archives and the debutantes scrapbook. ( Interesting item for her future ex-husband don't you think ?)
Football games ( pro and college ) could be made infinitely more interesting if a simple rule was adopted: the losing quarterback=s wife or girlfriend must perform a bukkake for the players and staff of the victorious team. This would take place immediately after the game and be televised live - wow - talk about ratings !
Anyone stuck in Atlanta's Hartsfield International Airport would appreciate this scheme: Shitcan 1 large giftshop on each concourse and make it into a bukkake room. Hookers from Greater Atlanta, dressed in cute stewardess outfits would staff each room. Christ, guys would be praying for flight delays.
My final suggestion: For all you guys who have stood in line for 3 or 4 hours at the local Division of Motor Vehicles office waiting for the privilege of paying 20 or 30 bucks for a plastic decal which certifies that you have, uh, spent 20 or 30 bucks, how would you like the cutest female employee at the office to be forced into bukkake for the waiting gents ?
Think the shits would speed up service ? ( Probably not, I can see the end of shift scene now as one female employee consoles another : "Lawdy lawdy Shoneeka , dey sure cum all OVAH you dis afternoon !" ).
Cheerio, George Kranz
So you don't have to read it since it doesn't contain
anything useful.
Famed Italian film director Arturo Masturbani has struck gold again with his latest effort "Dances With Gerbils". ( See review at this site of his previous masterpiece "In Search of Gay Jesus" ). The story concerns a young homosexual living in current day San Francisco, Reggie Fontaine ( Leonardo DiCaprio ), who suffers badly from chronic bronchitis and asthma, and who is advised by his physician to move to a warmer, drier climate. Fortunately Reggie's mother has just purchased a defunct dude ranch 100 miles or so out of Tucson and insists that her darling boy spend the coming winter months there to assist his recovery.
On arriving at the run-down ranch in his mother's pink Eldorado Cadillac Reggie is appalled to find that the property has been occupied by a desperate band of Navajo Indian men led by an antisocial misfit, Chief Mescal ( Dennis Hopper ). It's late in the day, and the place has no phone, so Reggie reluctantly accepts the band's offer of lodging. He learns the next morning that there is a feed store about 10 miles further down the road with a pay phone and plans to leave at midday to call the local sheriff to start eviction proceedings. Shortly before noon one of the men offer him a strange cactus salad and a cold can of Coors. Not having eaten since the airline flight into Tucson yesterday Reggie greedily consumes the salad and washes it down with the ice cold beer. He casually asks the Indian who fed him what kind of dressing he used and Chief Mescal overhears the question.
"What kind of dressing ?", he bellows, "I'll tell you what kind of fucking dressing it is, it's MAGIC fucking dressing."
The band of men collapse into laughter, and we come to learn that they do little from day to day except drink beer, trip on the psychoactive mescal cactus, and shoot beer cans out back with a rather substantial array of submachine guns and pistols. Reggie never quite makes it to the feed store that afternoon and soon falls into the daily routine around the run down ranch. One day while rummaging around an old barn Reggie finds a large family of gerbils that has taken up residence in some old grain sacks. He decides to introduce his new friends to the game he loved to play back in San Francisco. That evening as everyone sits mightily stoned around the campfire, Reggie announces he has something he wants to show the assembled men. He produces a box of gerbils and a short section of PVC plumbing pipe. He hands the man next to him a cigarette and lights it for him. He drops his trousers and inserts one end of the PVC pipe into his rectum. He then picks a gerbil out of the box and puts it into the other end of the pipe and motions to the man with the lit cigarette to blow smoke into that end of the pipe. After much confusion, the young brave shrugs his shoulders, takes a deep draw on the cig, and blows into the exposed end of the pipe. Reggie jumps as the gerbil enters his rectum and he pulls the pipe out and shakes it to show that the gerbil is no longer there. The band of Indians is totally boggled for a few minutes, then suddenly everyone is laughing, lighting cigarettes, fighting for the pipe and box of gerbils. By the end of the evening it is clear that the gerbil game is now as important to the band as beer, mescal, and submachine guns.
Unfortunately Reggie's decision ultimately leads the band of men into wanton homosexual orgies. As they fall further and further into degradation they find it necessary to supplement their meager incomes by robbing gas stations and convenience stores. Stoned on mescal, gerbils running furiously around their rectums, they rush through store doors and machine gun all the customers and clerks, then make off with a couple of hundred dollars and a few cold six packs. Reggie eagerly serves as getaway driver in his mothers pink Eldorado. The local sheriff ( Eli Wallach ) is a tequila swilling halfbreed who has been on the take for decades, so all of the band's armed robberies go uninvestigated. Eventually the band's activities attract the attention of the state National Guard headed by "Butch" Estelle Ramirez ( Ellen DeGeneres ). Political correctness being the order of the day, the state governor authorizes Estelle to bring in the Third Lesbian Paratroop Company to restore order.
During a key gun battle, most of the Third's soldiers are wasted by the fearless Navajo warriors. The survivors are taken prisoner and brought back to the dude ranch to serve as sex slaves and kitchen help. Some of the most moving scenes of the movie are the oral sex sessions between Chief Mescal and Estelle Ramirez. Only a seasoned director like Signori Masturbani could film these scenes in a mature artistic manner. ( As reviewer I must add that Ellen DeGeneres gives one mean blowjob ). The failure of the National Guard to restore order finally attracts the attention of the Clinton administration in Washington. To avoid embarrassing publicity the Navajo band is offered exclusive use of one of the smaller National Parks in the area with guaranteed daily parachute drops of mescal buttons and ice cold Coors. Chief Mescal and Reggie are offered and accept new Cabinet positions for Native American AIDS Awareness.
In a truly moving finish, Estelle Ramirez and the local sheriff decide to settle down and the film ends with both of them wasted on mescal, sheriff lounging in his Lazyboy Recliner as Estelle gives him a $100 blow job.
With the current dreck that's showing at movie theaters these days it is indeed a breath of fresh air to find a director with the courage and artistic integrity to bring a film like this to America. Now showing at the Pissoir, East Village and Rikers Island Cinemaplex.
George Kranz
UPI Peyoteville, AZ
Kranz Back from Cuban Blast
I just got back from a once-in-a-lifetime trip to old Havana. It's no secret that the Castro regime is desperate for hard currency (especially U.S. dollars). I'd also heard that the Cuban Ministry of Tourism was pulling out all the stops in a last-ditch effort to attract white upper class U.S. males (translation: disposable income) who were seeking nontraditional vacations.
Fellow members of the above target group, stop and think a bit about what you'd like in a no holds barred tropical vacation:
1) Smooth, aged in wood, dark rums for around $2 a bottle?
2) Absolutely stunning senoritas who do anything you want for $100 a night, or if you're on a budget, a first-class blow job for $20, no extra charge for a facial cumshot?
3) Primo Columbia flake cocaine at $500 per oz? This is absolutely fresh unstepped-on high quality nose candy -minimum 95% purity. WARNING: Do not, under any circumstances, try to leave Cuba with even a trace of this shit on you.
4) A wild deep sea fishing expedition where you fish with hand grenades and belt fed
machine guns?
All this and more is available on what the Ministry of Tourism has dubbed their "Silver
Bullet Package." The package consists basically of prepaid hotel accommodation and prepaid meals. The hotel was clean, comfortable, but a little run down. Even the best hotels in old Havana seem a little seedy by American standards, but the staff go out of their way to make sure that the package members are pampered. The meals were a very pleasant surprise-unlimited quantities of fresh seafood, fruits, and fresh bread - but be warned that lunch and dinner are strictly BYOB. The hotel provides setups and mixers of course. This could have been a problem except that black marketers hawking good rum are numerous in the neighborhoods around the hotels. A small tip to a bell hop will put you face to face with a fellow selling hootch out of a suitcase. The bottles are unlabeled, but the dark rums I tasted put Myers Dark, Mount Gay, and Bacardi Dark to shame for about $2 a bottle!
As you might guess the day to day routine involves lots of eating, drinking, snorting,
dozing, and loitering. Taxi rides to the foreign beaches are fairly easy to find but I found the beaches strangely boring - most of the USDA Grade A pussy centers around the hotels and doesn't really get strutting 'till early evening. The ritual is as follows: Interested gents should sit out on their balconies an hour or so before sunset and look for young girls sauntering down the boulevard. The "working girls" are hoping to make eye contact. If you see a senorita you particularly like, wait 'till you catch her eye and give the universal "come on up" hand signal. The more seasoned pros will find your hotel room from your balcony's location. Sometimes it pays to run down to the lobby to meet her but it's usually not necessary. My favorite was a young slender brunette who called herself Maria. She claimed to be 14 (but was more likely 16 or 17), was light-skinned and a dead ringer for Paula Abdul. I nearly ejaculated when I heard her prices - $100 U.S. for the night, any sex I wanted, or if I was in a hurry $20 for a blowjob. I've never been comfortable with long term relationships, so I was leaning towards the latter option. I asked her if she was an expert at oral sex. She must have read my mind -she swore she gave the best blowjob in all Havana, then smiled, and put her arms around my neck and added: "If I like your cock you can cum all over my face." God, that settled it. I slipped her a $20 bill and she put a pillow on the floor to kneel on. This wasn't one of those midtown Manhattan "hurry up and come so I can cook up another shot" blowjobs, no siree. This was more like "Honey, I really really love my new mink coat. " Full eye contact, lots of licking and teasing. She must have liked my cock, because when I was ready to shoot she
lifted her head back, positioned the head of my cock just over her chin and jerked me off - my favorite way to cum. She got up smiling and asked "You like?". When I caught my breath, I sighed "Bueno, muy bueno".
When she had tidied up and left, I laid out 4 fat lines, snorted up, and called room service for more diet coke, ice, and limes. I fell asleep sucking up rum & cokes, reading "Boy Clinton" by R. Emmet Tyrell, and day dreaming about Maria. What a country, this Cuba!
About the cocaine: Shortly after they check in each package member will be invited by the hotel manager to stop by his office for a drink. There he'll introduce you to a bureaucrat in the Cuban government who will offer you top quality cocaine at a fantastic price (see earlier reference). Don't panic. The Cuban government is getting this shit straight from one of the Colombian cartels and using it to generate cash - one potential group of customers being foreign tourists. If you decide to buy, you'll sign a form declaring that you will not sell, trade, or give any of it to a Cuban national and that you will not attempt to leave the country with any in your possession. Unless you like having cattle prods shoved up your shit chute in a vomit splattered cell in the basement of a Cuban jail, I'd strenuously adhere to these two provisions. Rememberthis isn't America where you can whine for a lawyer and be out on bail in a few hours. DON'T
FUCK WITH THE CUBAN POLICE OR MILITARY.
Next morning it was up and at'em early for the craziest deep sea fishing trip I'd ever been on. After a nice breakfast of dramamine, diet coke, cocaine and bananas I trundled on down to the hotel entrance where a taxi was waiting to take me and two other guys to the marina. Imagine our surprise when we pull into what looked like some sort of Cuban Coast Guard Station. We'd booked the trip at the hotel and had assumed we'd be going out on a typical deep sea fishing boat. It turned out the boat we'd be on was a small cutter complete with twin light artillery guns toward the bow and 3 belt fed machine guns, 2 on either side of the bridge, and one mounted at
the stern. Also, my guess was correct, we were in fact at the Cuban equivalent of a Coast Guard station and the boat would be manned by its usual military crew. I was beginning to lose interest in the outing when the two other tourists and I were introduced to the three "mates" for the trip - perfectly tanned foxes sensibly dressed in deck shoes and thong bikinis. My curiosity aroused, we boarded ship and were soon underway. I settled into a comfortable snooze in one of the three captain's chairs at the stern until we were well offshore.
I was woken up by the unmistakable feel of a large warm breast pressed into my cheek and nose. I opened my eyes to a bird's eye view of a fine pair of hooters. Readjusting my focus, I realized I was being offered a drink by one of our mates. She said we'd fish soon and trotted off to fetch more drinks. It was then that I noticed the complete absence of deep sea fishing rods, outriggers, etc.. The boat droned on for a while longer, then my mate came back with a fresh drink and a fish net. Two sailors carried a wood crate over to where we sat and put it on the deck. From the bridge I heard some shouting and saw the captain pointing to the sea near us. My mate told me we'd found a school of dolphin (the fish, not the mammal). She slid open the top of the wood crate and handed me a pineapple grenade. Sensing my confusion, she smiled and said, "You fish, I net."
What the fuck, I pulled the pin and tossed it overboard. A few seconds later, a low thud, a spray of water, and a bunch of floating dolphin! My mate started scooping them up and throwing them into the ice chest. The two other tourists and mates had been doing same, and it appeared that our 3 grenades had decimated the school, so we motored along in search of more. We spent a pleasant morning fishing in this manner. Around noon, a sailor lugged out a few metal boxes of belted ammo and loaded the stern machine gun. He turned to me when done, smiled and said, "Now, big game". I couldn't imagine what the hell we'd be shooting at,unless it was shark. My mate brought another ice cold drink, cozied up to me and clued me in: "We're shooting what you call illegal aliens; they're scum on rafts and homemade boats that are
deserting Fidel's paradise." Hmm- I'd have to play this one by ear. We had shifted course a little while ago and in about an hour came within sight of a group on a raft trying to make it to the Florida Keys. The captain came down from the bridge, introduced himself, and took up position at the stern machine gun. As we drew along side, and just passed the raft, I saw his thumbs press the spade trigger. There was a deafening roar. Everyone on the raft was wasted. He turned to me, smiling apologetically, saying, "It may seem cruel, but these people, if they make it to your country, are just going to wind up on welfare or in jail. We're doing both of our governments a favor." He paused a few seconds as if for emphasis and added, "Here, it's your turn next."
I thought about what he said, what an overcrowded cesspool the U.S. was becoming, and I realized he was right. The last thing our country needed was more penniless, illiterate niggers. I hopped up in the captain's chair behind the stern gun. By God, here was my chance to do something positive about the situation when all of our fucking politicians were busy transforming the whole goddamn country into Newark, N.J. My mate whispered in my ear, "If each guest gets one boat, the three mates give everyone on board a blow job." That's all I needed to hear. I'd done 4 fat lines in the head below deck just a while ago and I was primed. After about 30 minutes of search time we spied another raft. The captain pulled along side about 50 yds. away and then turned to give me a full field of fire. I lined up my sights on the middle bunch of wretches on deck then pressed the spade thumb trigger. Some of them were
blown overboard, some cut in two by the burst. I lingered on the trigger just a tad longer than professional, but God it felt good. A cheer went up from our crew, and I moved out from behind the gun for the next tourist's turn. We scored our next two refugee crafts in about 1 1/2 hours, and I and the other two tourists were treated to first class blow jobs below deck. Afterwards we retired to the stern to sip drinks and watch the mates service the crew. It was a beautiful finish to a beautiful day - the late afternoon sun, the rum and cokes, and all the cock sucking. The only thing in life that comes close to watching your cock slide in and out of a beautiful girl's mouth, is watching someone else's cock do the same. On the taxi ride back to the hotel, I thought that with all the vomit inspired tourist spots in the U.S, like Disney world, our sterile National Park system (No Hunting, No Fishing, No Camping, this is your National Park, enjoy it!), the usual obsolete and meaningless monuments (Statue of Liberty), why the fuck hasn't someone come up with a Silver Bullet Package for the
good old U.S.A? Why the fuck do healthy normal males with normal interests have to travel to Cuba for something like this?
Oh well troopers, if you've found a hot foreign vacation spot let good buddy George Kranz know.
Later.
George Kranz
Don't worry. Once those mangy lice get near Matthew Perry's drug-infested body they'll die off.
C - A language that combines the speed of assembly with the ease of use of assembly.
Next:
The Zen Guide to Being a Rich Fat Bastard
It's a good thing you wrote this review. I can see Taco's head exploding from here.
"People should be allowed to keep midgets as pets."
- Gov. Jesse Ventura
take a look at Growing a Business, by Paul Hawkin.
While it's not specific to the tech industry, it's an excellent discussion of how to make money without being miserable about what you're doing or feeling that you're "selling out."
"It is our blasphemy which has made us great, and will sustain us, and which the gods secretly admire in us." - Zelazny
Talkin' noise with all of my homeboys. Fittin' to go back to school.
(Her titties bigger than they were last year, you know what I'm sayin?)
With a mouth full of beer and a nose full of weed, you know I'm fittin' to act a fool.
(Cause last year she had those little stick-em-up titties, cuz.)
PROPS TO MY DEAD HOMEY - THE RETARD CORKY IN THIRTYSOMETHING
YOU ARE A GODDAM IDIOT.
R.I.P. goatse.cx (closed indefinately)
Bust a nut.
awk awk
awk awk awkawk
Godspeed your journey to the chemo treatmeants after you develop a tumor from the wrong X settings. YOU FAG0T.
OPEN SOURCE PROGRAMMERS STINK
2 51 &mode=thread
Slashot admits the truth here:
http://slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=01/10/25/219
As we already know open source programmers stink, both at their jobs, and in general. Take RMS for instance. He can't get a job as a real programmer so he starts the FSF. He also hasn't taken a bath or shower in over 20 years making him stink in general. Living in a dark cave doesn't help either. I don't want to know what is crawling around in his hair.
I'm sure there are people at your office who are just like RMS if they can hold their jobs. You know they are close because you can smell them. You are spending hours of overtime fixing their code.
For anyone reading this post none of this is a suprise. However, slashdot is a bastion of open source programmers. That is why the code is so bad, and its the only website that you can smell over the internet because it reaks!!!!
What was suprising to me (and to you I'm sure) was that slashdot admitted in the above linked article that open source programmers stink.
I commend slashdot for admitting the brutal yet honest truth.
Digital Divide? The only divide Linux can bridge is the crack of my ass, when I use it to wipe my ass clean.
Millennium/A /home/MrEfficient 31337 4thofjuly 575 Hemos Inoshiro Linux Millennium Signal11 Vladinator aaa49 batmanpoloquine bestprotocol biffcool bitemyass blue cleverfuckingboybutnocigarthis cmdrtaco commentstyle cubapater cyoa fawkingdsl haiku haiku/A howwouldyouliketosuckmahballs humuhumunukunukuwapuwaa inchfan index jabber jabber/A k22320inchfan kibo limerick lostkarma metamoderation microsoft moderation natalieportman nevergonnacatchmescriptboy nofreespeechhere onmouseoveralertwanker oog pb penisbird polymorphicnymphet rejected s22320yardstick sig_nazi signal11 slashcode slashdot smaq spiralx spsc sucks test2 that/guy/from/the/sex/pistols/ toofast trolls trolltalk vladinator wow yermomz zxcvbnm
VC's probably overstate their talents but at least they're willing to risk other people's money in ways that banks can't or won't (and if anyone who started up a business on a credit card can attest it is nerve-wracking).
Now if people could only come up with some clever Open Source Funding models.
LL
www.sundaytimes.co.uk:
FOUR out of every 10 British Muslims believe Osama Bin Laden is justified in mounting his war against the United States. And more than one in 10 say the attacks on the World Trade Center were justified, write John Elliott and Maurice Chittenden.
A Sunday Times survey, the first large-scale poll of the Muslim community since the start of the bombing campaign against Afghanistan, shows 40% believe Bin Laden has cause to wage war against America and a similar proportion say Britons who choose to go to fight alongside the Taliban are right to do so.
Muslim leaders, some of whom said the survey did not reflect mainstream opinion among Britain's 2m Muslims, said they believed the results reflect increasing anger about America's role in the Middle East and central Asia.
British Muslims - 1,170 were interviewed outside mosques across Britain - are less convinced about Bin Laden's tactics: only 11% believe there was some justification for the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.
The Muslims polled were overwhelmingly against the continued American bombing of Afghanistan: eight in 10 believe the action will lead to worsening race relations in Britain. Asked if it was more important for them to be Muslim or British, 68% chose their faith.
I can't believe they actually took down everyone's favorite site. Oh well, it had to happen eventually.
The Slashdot Effect: A new for
...someone hasn't come out with "Venture Capitalism for Dummies" yet...
proof of Osama's guilt..
and the silver spoon
little boy blue and the man on the moon!"
oops, my mind wandered
"When you going public?"
I don't know when, but you know we'll have good time then, yeah
You know we'll have a good time then.
My boss arrived just the other day,
Came to work in the usual way...
--- Hot Shot City is particularly good.
I purchased this book based on a clever introduction that alluded to a profound, enlightening take on the subject. As I read it, though, I grew more and more disappointed that the author took himself so seriously while writing such shallow material. Basically, the book was ok, but not particularly worth reading.
Having worked at one of his startups, I can honestly say that he is a complete tool of the VCs.
I'm shocked that he would dare to say that people are important. He lied point-blank to all of the "people" in the company for a year, while enforcing the directives of the board.
If you want to see a really good veiw of the VC system, see this article.
After examining both this and my prior experiences with alcohol, I've concluded that consumption of the substance isn't as much of a rush as it was a few years ago. I still dislike the taste of beer, alcohol is hard for minors to get a hold of, not to mention expensive, as mentioned above, and I'd rather be responsible at parties than not be able to remember what happened the night before. Above all, for me, it's illegal. Until I'm 21, if I choose to drink, I have to be prepared to face the consequences and resulting aftermath of my actions.
about similar topics from an Australian perspective is Where's The Loot?. The author, Grant Butler, was a financial journalist during the boom and had the chance to see a fair number of companies in details. I strongly recommend it.
I read this book, and while I thought it was a bit "fluffy", perhaps I've just read too many technical tomes.
One thing that I got out of it and really enjoyed (its the riddle they mention) was the tension between two life plans that people adopt - the Whole Life Plan and the Split Life Plan.
The premise is that some people put off doing all the things that they want to do because they don't have money. They work for money, and will get to what they want later.
Others find a way to make money doing what they want, then they enjoy the whole journey - there is no "later" because they're doing what they want now.
The essence of the book is about one man's journey from the split life plan to a more balanced whole life situation, and in that sense its almost a typical coming of age story.
What I haven't fully resolved yet (and why I enjoyed the book - as its riddle stayed on my mind) is how to get myself more on a whole life plan. I'm not sure about you, but I'm delaying some things I want to do right now in order to work more, in the hopes that working more now will let me work less and play more later. I enjoy my work very much, just not to the exclusion of things that take money but don't make any.
I'm not sure if I'll reach the enlightened naked hippie frolicking joyful stage of total Whole Lifeness, whatever that is, but I have made some changes in my day-to-day routines that were geared towards moving farther from the split-life part of the spectrum. As a mental outlook, I think that's pretty positive, and I'm more fun to be around when I'm in that frame of mind.
So, not a bad book, though if it took more than a few hours to blow through it maybe wouldn't be worth it.
According to a reliable source "the people who run Slashdot have run off to join the circus". This reporter thinks not, but is troubled by the lamest and most totally boring lineup that he's seen in his years of reading slashdot. Let's investigate:
Book Reviews: The Monk and the Riddle (really boring)
Book Reviews: The Root of All Evil (pretty darn boring)
Book Reviews: Knights of the Limits (wow inhumanly boring)
Developers: Perl6 for Mortals (Glorified Book Ad but decent article and some conversation)
BSD: GNU-Darwin Goes Beta (For Mac fans... that's like what, 1% if the slashdot crowd?)
Developers: Carl Sassenrath Talks About REBOL
NAFPL (Not Another Friggin Programing Language)
Developers: Self-Improving Systems (Better this would be a boring story on msot days)
Developers: Advanced Filesystem Implementors Guide Continues (Actually pretty good stuff here too bad it's been up since Oct 27)
Developers: Mozilla Bug Week (Been there, done that it's coming along nicely and has been for decades it seems) No disrespect to the mozilla ppl but this has been news for nerds too many times and has been up since.... you guessed it Oct 27
So where is everyone? Is there really no news for nerds or has Slashdot gone fishin'? Inquiring minds want to know.
G
It's really surprising how long some people can persuade moderators that their wildly misleading incorrect post on quantum mechanics is in fact worthy of Einstein and should be moderated up to +3 while ignoring a correct explanation of the real physics
"Taco-snotting" is a term used by CmdrTaco to refer to the practice of sucking off a homosexual man and blowing the semen back out his nose onto his partner's face or body. Usually a long stream of semen is left on CmdrTaco's face, dribbling out of his nose, leading it to look like a large snot. Hence the term, "Taco-snotting."
Why am I getting emails from CmdrTaco asking me if I would enjoy a round of "Taco-snotting" with him?
You may have recently received an email similar to the following: You most likely accidentally forgot to uncheck the "Willing to Taco-snot" checkbox in your preferences. Whenever CmdrTaco gets bored, he roams through the database, penis in hand, looking for people who might enjoy a Taco-snotting with him. And this time, he found you. To disable this setting, log in, go to your user page, click on You, and uncheck the box next to "Willing to Taco-snot." Of course, CmdrTaco's probably already got the hots for your semen, so it's probably too late.
Can I stop receiving emails from CmdrTaco?
Probably. If you indulge him in a Taco-snot or two, he might leave you alone. You might also want to look into mail filtering, or purchasing a heavy, blunt object to ward off rampaging homosexual geeks in heat. If he gets you, and you let him Taco-snot you, he might chain you up in his basement and use you as his sex toy/slave for the rest of your life, or until he accidentally drowns you in cum while using you as his sex pony in a "circle-snot."
What is a "Circle-snot"?
A "circle-snot" is a Taco-snotting circle-jerk: When CmdrTaco, CowboiKneel, and Homos get together and Taco-snot each other's gooey, hot, sticky cum on each other's faces and bodies until they're covered with sticky, sweet man juice. Roblowme usually provides the extra lubricant; he owns a limo service and has ample supplies of motor oil and axle grease. To complete the circle, Michael, Timothy, and Jamie sometimes join in, dressed in full Gestapo uniforms complete with Nazi regalia, and proceed to snot each other's cum and whip each other's asses with riding crops and cattleprods until their pasty, white geek bodies are exhausted from all the passionate, homosexual revelry.
Does Jon Katz get involved in this? I thought he was a paedophile, not a homosexual.
Actually, he's a homosexual paedophile. He's also a coprophiliac. Jon Katz is somewhat of a loner and doesn't involve himself in circle-snots. Mr. Katz usually engages in a game called "Katz juicy-douching" with his harem of little boys, which involves administering an enema to himself of little-boy urine, spooging the vile muck from his ass into a plastic bag, then slathering the goo all over his little boy's chained up and naked bodies.
Are you getting hard writing this?
Why, yes. Join me in a WIPO-snot?
No, thanks. I'm already Taco's boi toi.
$Id: tacosnotting.txt,v 1.2 2001/11/08 22:35:16 wipo Exp $
J. Wipo Troll, Esq.
Crapflooder Associates
Slashdot.org
Laying here in the shadows of my room, I squint up at my love. My Ms. Portman. I am sore and tired after fucking her for eight solid hours. My chapped and aching dick is soaking in grits to relieve the pain. She gets on her knees and starts lapping the grits up out of the bowl. She places her beautiful hands on my penis and starts to lick the grits off my achy piece.
Massaging my nutsack she....
WAIT, I DO IT WRONG!!!!
Yanking my dick out of her mouth I throw her to the ground and shove it in to her gaping freshly fisted ass.
"OH BIG ASS SPORK!! Fuck my ass, fuck my ass good. DEEPER, my stallion, deeper!! Make a Beowulf cluster of sperm on my back!!"
"Imagine a Beowulf cluster of this baby!"
I DO IT WRONG!!!!
Due to excessive bad posting from this IP or Subnet, comment posting has temporarily been disabled. If it's you, consider this a chance to sit in the timeout corner. If it's someone else, this is a chance to hunt them down. If you think this is unfair, please email jamie@mccarthy.vg. HAHAHAHAA fuckers! I am not ssooo wrong I can't recover! All your trolls are belong to... forget it... Q: What do you call a 30week-old premee? A: An Appetizer! Q: What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs laying in a ditch? A: Phil Q: What is special about a dead baby over all other forms of life A: You can achieve deep throat from whichever way you enter Q: How are babies and the elderly alike? A: Both are fun to throw out of moving cars. Q: What's red and dances A: A baby on a barbecue Q: Whats worse than finding 7 dead babies in 1 trash can? A: Finding 1 dead baby in 7 trash cans. Q: What's the difference between a Dead Baby and a tree? A: One is legal to hit with an AX. Q: What bounces up and down at 100mph? A: A baby tied to the back of a truck. Q: What's brown and gurgles? A: A baby in a casserole. Q: Whats the best thing about a siamese twin baby? A: Threesomes. Q: What do you get when you have sex with a pregnant woman? A: A baby with a black eye! Q: What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds? A: A baby with a punctured lung. Q: What's red and goes round and round? A: A baby in a garbage disposal. Q: What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer? A: You can't hide dead babies in a gay man. Q: What's more fun than strapping a baby to a washingline and then spinning it around at 200km/h? A: Stopping it with a shovel. Q: What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall? A: Art Q: What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs laying on your porch? A: Matt Q: What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs laying on a beach? A: Sandy Q: What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool? A: Bob Q: What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean? A: Fucked Q: Whats worse than smoking pot with a baby? A: Making a bong out of it. Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a felt tip marker? A: you don't get second looks when you're writing with a felt tip marker! Q: Why did the dead baby cross the road? A: It was chained to a bumper. Q: What do you have when you have 4 dead babies, take away two, and add 5 more? A: An orgy! Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a table? A: You can't fuck a table. Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A: Take your foot off of it's head. Q: If a tree falls on a baby in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, is it still hilarious? Q: What is red and creeps up your leg? A: A homesick abortion. Q: What's red and lies in all four corners of the room? A: A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw. Q: What do vegetarian dingos eat? A: Cabbage patch kids. Q : Whats white and bobs up and down in a baby's crib ? A : A Pedophiles ass. Q: What's the difference between a watermelon and a dead baby? A: A watermelon floats. Q: Whats the safest way to play with a baby ? A: With a condom. Q: What gets louder as it gets smaller? A: A baby in a trash compacter. Q: What do you call a baby on a stick? A: A Kebabie. Q: What's the difference between a lamp and a dead baby? A: It's really easy to turn on a lamp. Q: Whats does a blind, deaf, quadriplegic baby can get for Christmas ? A: Cancer. Q: Why are test tube babies the most beautiful ones? A: Because they're hand made. Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline? A: When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off. Q: What is the definition of revenge? A: A baby with a dingo in its mouth. Q: What's the difference between a baby and a bagel? A: You can put a bagel in the toaster. You have to put the baby in the oven. Q: What's the difference between a bucket of gravel and a bucket of baby guts? A: You can't gargle gravel. Q: Why did the toddler fall off his bike? A1: A fridge fell on him . A2: He was quadraplegic. Q: Why do you unload a truck full of babies with a pitchfork? A: So you can tell which ones are still alive. Q: How do you know when you hit a live one? A: The pitchfork shakes Q: What's this? (hold arms out and shake them) A: A live one. Q: Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first? A: So you can see the expression on its face! Q: What's blue and thrashes about on the floor? A: A baby playing in a plastic bag. Q: What is bright blue, pink, and sizzles? A: A baby trying to breast feed from an electrical outlet. Q: What's sicker than driving over a baby? A: Skidding. Q: How do you spoil a baby? A: Leave it out in the sun. Q: How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole? A: Stick a javelin through it's head. Q: How do you make a gay men pregnant? A: stick a dead baby up his ass! Q: Why did the toddler drop it's lollypop? A: It was hit by a truck... Q: What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz? A: Twins in an acid bath. Q: What's red, screams and goes around in circles? A: A baby with its foot nailed to the floor. Q: What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies? A: I don't have a Cadillac in my garage. Q: How many babies does it take to paint a house? A: Depends how hard you throw them Q: Whats more fun than feeling up a dead baby A: Feeling up a dead baby with three nipples Q: What is the differance between a dead baby and a VHS tape? A: The VHS tape don't stink when you leave it out in the sun Q: How do you prepare a dead baby for Valentine's Day? A: You shove a box of chocolates down his throat and a boquet of roses up his ass. Q: Why did the Baby fall out of the Tree? A: Because he was DEAD! Q: What's grosser than gross? A: A garbage can full of dead babies. Q: What's grosser than that? A: The one at the bottom is still alive. Q: What's grosser than that? A: He has to eat his way to freedom. Q: What's grosser than that? A: He goes back for more. Q: How do you get a baby to run faster? A: Chase it with the lawn mower. Q. What's the difference between a dead baby and an onion. A. You don't cry when you chop up a dead baby. Q: What has 4 legs and one arm? A: A Doberman in a children's playground! Q:What does a baby and a Pinto have in common? A:They're fun to ride until they die. Q: What happens when you burn baby's face off? A: It makes weird noises and crawls into walls. Q: what's funnier than a dead baby? A: a dead baby sitting next to a kid with down syndrome. Q: What do you get whan you dislocate a dead baby's jaw? A: Deep Throat. Q: What's blue and bloated and floating in your beer? A: A dead baby with fetal alcohol syndrome! Q: Whats white and red and hangs from a telephone wire? A: A baby shot through a snowblower. Q: How do you know when a baby is a dead baby? A: The dog plays with it more. Q: What does a bum call a dead baby in a dumpster? A: A Freeloader. Q: What do you get when you put a dead baby in a blender? A: Hold on. I'll tell you in a second. Q: What is better than a dead baby? A: The revoked child-support. Q: Whats the difference between a baby and a grandmother? A: Grandmothers dont die when you fuck them in the ass Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a peanut butter cup? A: The dead baby won't stick to the roof of your mouth. Q: Why didn't they crucify baby jesus? A: I dont know why they didn't either. Q: What's the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of dead babies? A: You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork. Q: What's the worst thing about fucking a dead baby? A: Wiping the blood stains off of your clown suit! Q: What's the best sound in the world? A: Hearing dead baby's hips crack under pressure! Q: what wiggles spits and is covered in shit? A: inside out baby! Q: What's blue and orange and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool? A: A baby with burst armbands. Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A: Two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby. Q: Whats worse than a having sex with a dead baby? A: Having sex with a dead baby filled with razor blades. Q: What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ? A: Crib death. Q: Why is there always hot water at childbirth? A: In case of a stillbirth, soup. Q: How do you stop a baby from choking? A: Take your dick out of its mouth. Q: What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding? A: A baby in a microwave. Q: When is the best time to bury that baby you killed? A: When it starts talking to you again. Q: How many babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil? A: It depends on how hard you squeeze them. Q: What's more fun than stapling babies to a wall? A: Ripping them off again. Q: What do you call a dead baby with its skin peeled off? A: Sexy. Q: What's funnier than a dead baby? A: A dead baby in a clown costume! Q: What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds? A: A baby with a punctured lung. Q: What do you call a dead baby pinned to your wall? A: Art! Q: How do you get 100 babies into a bucket? A: With a blender! Q: How do you get them out again? A: With Doritos!! Q: What is pink and red and sits in a corner? A: A baby chewing on razor blades. Q: What is green and sits in a corner? A: The same baby, six weeks later. Q: What is red and pink and can't turn round in a corridor? A: A baby with a javelin through its throat. Q: What is more disgusting than a pile of 100 dead babies? A: One live one in the middle is eating its way out. Q: What's blue and sits in the corner? A: A baby in a baggie. Q: What's present do you get for a dead baby? A: A dead puppy. Q: What's purple, covered in pus and squeals? A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt. Q: What sits in the kitchen and keeps getting smaller and smaller? A: A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler! Q: What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls? A: A baby with forks in its eyes. Q: Why did the baby cross the road? A: It was stapled to the chicken. Q: What do you get when you cut a baby with a straight razor? A: An erection. Q: Why did the baby fall off the swing? A: Because it had no arms or legs. Q: What's got four wheels, smokes and squeals? A: A bus load of babies on fire. Q: What's harder to do than nailing a baby to a tree? A: Nailing it to a dead puppy. Q: What's grosser than ten dead babies nailed to a tree? A: One dead baby nailed to ten trees. Q: What's pink and chunky? A: A baby with leporacy. Q: Why do babies have a soft spot in their heads? A: So you can pick them up five at a time. Q: How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: As many as it takes to climb on top of them in order to reach the socket. Q: What's pink and spits? A: A baby in a frying pan. Q: What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning? A: Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before. Q: What's more fun than a barrel of dead babies? A: Sticking pins in their eyes. Q: How do you make a baby cry twice? A: Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear The