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Operation Acoustic Kitty
rockville writes: "Remember the Cold War, when intelligence agencies had no oversight and a blank check? Now that those days are back, here's a good object lesson: the Chicago Sun-Times has details about Operation Acoustic Kitty, a CIA program to wire a cat to spy on the Soviet Union. Feel free to be either shocked at the depravity or shocked at the stupidity. The first prototype is also a nominee for Worst Presentation Ever." Hmmm. Last time I posted a story about cats, I got angry email from cat-lovers. Let's see what happens this time.
The "Acoustic Kitty" is one of the CIA's many failures. You can download the declassified documents at George Washington University. Most relevent is Document 27: Views on Trained Cat Use. Interesting read straight from the horse's mouth.
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[And so Operation "Cat Nap" comes unglued when an unexpected event occurs...]
General1: "Pavelovich? what is your kitty doing here?"
General2: "It is not my kitty..."
General1: "I wonder if it is true Russian Kitty..."
General2: "I will fetch the Vodka."
General1: "Let us see if you drink Vodka like true Russian Kitty..."
-- Dan =)
They say to give the CIA more free reign over what they do, that it would make them more effective. This only solidifies my doubts. They're no more effective, it seems - just have free reign to do stupid things. Like kill cats. Or fail to assassinate Fidel Castro how many times...?
But we know about those, so perhaps I am incorrect. Perhaps we only hear about what they do wrong; after all, the failure means that it is no threat to our security (except our loss of faith in the CIA?). After all, it's whatever succeeded that would need to be kept secret, so that it could continue to work. You have to wonder... if they make enough stupid mistakes, and know they're stupid enough to be benign in regard to security, perhaps the CIA is somewhat smarter than we think. They know what they do wrong, then perhaps they know what they do right. They'll just never get credit for any of it.
Golly gee, I've refuted myself again.
________
"And if the fool, or the pig, are of a different opinion...." -- J.S. Mill
Last time I posted a story about cats, I got angry email from cat-lovers. Let's see what happens this time.
Ummm...angry letters from CIA lovers?
DR. EVIL CIA GUY: Release the sharks! All the sharks have had laser beams attached to their heads. I figure every creature deserves a warm meal.
FRAU FARBISSINA: Dr. Evil?
DR. EVIL CIA GUY: Yes, what is it? You're interrupting my moment of triumph.
FRAU FARBISSINA: It's about the sharks. Since you were frozen, they've been placed on the Endangered Species List. We tried to get some, but it will take months to clear up the red tape.
DR. EVIL: Right. Mr. Kremlin, we're going to lower you in a tank of piranhas with laser beams attached to their heads.
FRAU FARBISSINA: *cough*
DR. EVIL CIA GUY: What is it now?
FRAU FARBISSINA: Well, we experimented with lasers, but you would be surprised at how heavy they are. They actually outweighed the piranha themselves, and the fish, well, they sank to the bottom and died.
DR. EVIL CIA GUY: I have one simple request and that's sharks with friggin' laser beams attached to their heads, and it can't be done? Remind me again why I pay you people? What do we have?
FRAU FARBISSINA: Cats.
DR. EVIL CIA GUY: Right.
FRAU FARBISSINA: They're mutated cats. With surveillance devices.
DR. EVIL CIA GUY: Really? Are they ill-tempered?
Dammit! This MUST be why my cat only comes near me when I'm on the phone or typing at my computer, he's friggin' rigged! Where is that little furry bastard?!?! I bet some water would short circuit his electronics....
Here kitty kitty...
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So reading a hair past the ha-ha bad product description, we've learned that the CIA can stick a wire into your head and change the way you feel.
And they knew how to do this in 1960. Damn, but they must have some cool toys by now.
Mike Hoye
So, let's see : if they wired a kitten, it would emit short waves. Then, as the kitty grows up, the frequency would slowly shift to the long wave band. Kind of like a very slow naturally occuring frequency-hopping encoding : if the Russian had picked up the transmission and went back to it several week after, they wouldn't have been able to find it again !
"A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of" - Ogden Nash
Use of kitties for special operations is far more widespread than many people realize. Here are some kitty rules as part of a widespread project to decrease the productivity of American citizens:
Kitty Rules
Bathrooms:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
Doors:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on your hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. Especially after you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
Chairs and Rugs:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so the mess is as long as a human's bare foot.
Hampering:
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping" otherwise known as "hampering". Here are the rules for hampering:
1) when supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2) for book reading, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
3) for paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible and pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
4) for people paying bills or working on income taxes or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim; to hamper! First sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils and erasers off the table, one at a time.
5) when a human is holding the newspaper in front of them, be sure to jump at the back of the paper, preferably with a running start. Humans love surprises.
6) when a human is working at computer, jump on the desk, walk across keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on screen, then lay on the human's lap across arms, hampering typing.
Walking:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help your human with their coordination skills.
Bedtime:
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.
Litter Box:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
Hiding:
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
One last thought:
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it
often and, don't forget guests.
Sometimes the best solution to morale problems is just to fire all the unhappy people.