Slashdot Mirror
George Lucas May Be Completely Evil
gabec writes "Sci-fi Wire is reporting a couple rumors about the changes being made to the original Star Wars trilogy for its next release. That being that Natalie Portman may be being inserted into Episode VI: Return of the Jedi and that universally reviled Jar Jar Binks may be being inserted into Episode IV: A New Hope. May The Force forbid." Mind you this is reported as rumor, but it's so unsurprisingly possible...
You're like abused wives. You keep coming back for more, even though it hurts.
As soon as Lucas said he was waiting for the new three to be released before putting the originals on DVD, I said he was going to do this. What will it be called, Super Special Edition? Speciai Edition Pro? 32-Bit Special Edition Turbo?
Jar-Jar is not UNIVERSALLY reviled: the Galactic Senate heartily approved of his proposal to grant Emp^H^H^HChancellor Palpatine emergency powers! Heck, even Anakin seems to like Jar-Jar, and we know what a hothead he can be. Don't you think Anakin would have dismembered Jar-Jar at the first opportunity if JJB was REALLY so reviled?
Binks: A Future For Your Children. A Future For The Republic. Vote Today.
"Destroy science and religion. Science would re-emerge exactly the same; but not religion." - Penn Jillette, paraphrased
...make changes to his own movie!
"And like that
I think I'd be happy with this news if they decide to replace the alien that was bullying Luke with Jar Jar, and instead of Obiwan cutting off his arm he decides to rid the Star Wars universe of him once and for all:
JJ: "Meesa wanted man in 12 systems!!!"
Luke: "I'll be careful"
JJ: "Yousa be dead like a da Gungans!!!"
(swoosh! - lops off his head)
How dare he ruin the series by making changes to it after it was released.
Ooh a new halflife patch!
OddManIn: A Game of guns and game theory.
You know, I hear that if you cross the International Date Line thrice, backwards, at the equator, and then find the proper site in Taiwan, you can get a copy of Episode 3 before Lucas has a chance to mess it up...
Communication is only possible between equals
At least this opens the possibility that Lucas could redo Episode I.
OddManIn: A Game of guns and game theory.
with new integrated scenses - they're part of the script, they can't be removed.
lol. Right. It's imperative that we ensure our fiction is as absolutely accurate as possible. How will future generations know what might really have happened on Tatooine if it would have been a real place? Who can our children trust when they need to find out how the Rebel Alliance could possibly have destroyed the first Death Star assuming that either of those things existed in the first place.
Please. Okay, yeah, Lucas may be a jerk for changing stuff around (if, indeed, he ends up doing so), but hell, don't liken it to 1984. It's just a movie.
Al Qaeda has ninjas!
Jar-Jar sure aint "UNIVERSALLY" reviled. .
Hasn't anyone seen the Simpsons episode where the comic store clerk goes to sleep with a life-sized Jar-Jar doll saying "Oh Jar-Jar, no one loves you but me..."
Groening couldn't have been more correct there...
1 Earth is warming, 2 It's us, 3 it's royally bad, 4 we need to take action NOW
Let's face it, the moment "Attack of the Clones" hits the video market someone's going to be chopping out the annoying C-3PO "comedy" bits. Any changes that Lucas makes to the originals will find themselves weeded out just as quickly by the die-hard fans. Along those lines, I'd like to be the first to suggest the naming scheme for the impending fan edits:
Episode I: The Phantom Edit
Epidose II: Attack of the Edit
Episode III: TBA
Episode IV: A New Edit
Episode V: The Edit Strikes Back
Episode VI: The Return of the Edit
And of course Portman is going to end up a glowing ghost beside Anakin, Obi-Wan and the little green dude. Heck, it wouldn't surprise me if Lucas digitally inserts (a suitably make-up aged) Hayden Christensen instead of the guy who's playing Anakin now. Long story short--don't worry about it. The technology is there and the devout Star Wars afficiandos (you know, the guys who make their own vacuum-formed stormtrooper armour?) will have a definitive FAN-tastic version circulating out on the Net before you know it.
In a world without walls, there is no need for Windows.
Jar-Jar and Bail Organa looking up at the ominous new star in the heavens.
Jar-Jar: "Issa thata new moona, Bail Organa?"
CUT TO Death Star interior as the Planet Pulverizer(TM) fires and hits Alderaan.
CUT TO Jar-Jar binks being hidiously vaporized on Alderaan in a cruel twist of fate for giving the empire its power.
So you see, people, it might not be that bad...
The bitter lessons of a veteran coder: http://bitterprogrammer.blogspot.com
So now every year or two you'll have to patch Star Wars to keep it current. SP1 will patch inconsistancies with caracter's memories, age, and correct lightsaber colors!
From the home office in Anchorage, Alaska, the TOP TEN PLACES TO ADD JAR-JAR IN EPISODE 4:
10. Orbiting Tatooine in the opening scene.
9. Sweeping the hallway on the Princess' ship right before the stormtroopers cut through the door
8. In the first escape pod from the Princess' ship
7. Standing behind Obi-Wan at the bar
6. Under the table during Greedo and Han's conversation
5. Admiring the Millenium Falcon from the doorway just prior to its departure
4. Running a lemonade stand on Alderaan
3. Last (almost) through the blast doors
2. Porkins' co-pilot
..and the NUMBER ONE place for Jar-Jar in Episode 4:
1. In the exhaust shaft!
The Year: 2007. The Empire Strikes Back: Ultimate Edition hits the screens.
In a controversially updated scene, Luke follows Darth Vader to the Cloud City of Bespin, where at the climactic moment of the legendary lightsaber duel, Vader says...
"No, Luke... meesa es your father!!!!!"
Actually, I got ahold of a bootleg copy of the script for EP III on the internet, and found this interesting little piece of dialog just before Mace Windu's death:
Boba Fet: Hello, my name is Boba Fet. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Mace Windu: STOP SAYING THAT!!!
Today's Sesame Street was brought to you by the number e.
Episode IV: Jar Jar steps in Jawa poo.
Episode V: Jar Jar steps in Jabba the Hut's poo.
Episode VI: Jar Jar steps in Ewok poo.
I just think Lucas is trying to insert "poo" analogies in his films. Pretty soon, Vader will be re-dubbed to refer to his army of "stormpoopers". Han Solo will be encased in poop instead of carbonite, AT-ATs will step in poop, and and the climax of the saga will be when Vader gets unmasked, only to say "Poop, I am your faaaa-tha."
Save The Planet - Nuke California,
Bowie J. Poag
INT: BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER:
A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.
Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Darth Vader: No... I am your father!
Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.
Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...
Luke: NO!
Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?
Luke: Threepio?
Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old...
Luke: No...
Darth Vader: Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...
Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!
Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!
Luke: Well, it's not my fault...
Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith... waahhh wahhh!"
Luke: Shut up...
Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!
Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon.
Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... right here, baby!
{Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.}
Darth Vader: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine...
{Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.}
{Darth Vader looks after him.}
Darth Vader: Get a haircut!
Gonzo Granzeau
"Nothing the god of biomechanics wouldn't let you into heaven for.." -Roy Batty
Yes. To George's ego.
--
"Open source is good." - Steve Jobs
"Open source is evil." - Microsoft
I just got an email from George Lucas himself, asking me what I think of his proposed outline for Episode III (he said his outline for II finished up a week after filming started, we all know what a disaster that was, so he's trying to get a headstart on III).
In III, it is 15 years later. The Clone Wars are in full swing. Chancellor Palpatine's "War on Secessionists" has killed many innocent people, but has failed to bring Count Dooku to justice.
Amidala has secretly had Anakin's love babies - while Anakin has been called away to fight the "War on Secessionists" with his side kick ObiWan.
Jar Jar accidentally flips the latch on Amidala's window in her high-rise as she leans on it to look out on the beatiful sunrise one morning (er - I wonder what Jar Jar was doing in Amidala's room in the early morning?). Anakin totally blows his top, and abandons his post, returning to Coruscant, he confronts Jar Jar, who admits that he was "doing" Amidala, and that Luke and Leia are really HIS. Anakin force-grabs Jar Jar, and lightsabers his arms and legs off, then shoves him out the same window, and before dropping him 5000 feet, tears his torso to shreds.
In the meantime, ObiWan is instructed by Yoda to NOT confront Anakin, but instead, to protect Luke and Leia from his growing rage. So ObiWan successfully evades Anakin on Coruscant, abducts the children, and spirits them off to Bail Organa's home planet of Alderaan. To have him adopt them as the Jedi's ace in the hole against the growing menace of their loose cannon, Anakin.
Anakin finds out and decides that the Jedi council is plotting against him, and needs to be destroyed. And so, he destroys them. Three escape. Yoda, Mace, and a new Jedi, Ell Ron Hubbardi played by John Travolta. A long hunting sequence plays out where Mace Windu and Ell Ron lead Anakin on a wild goose chase through the streets of Coruscant in a speeder, while Mace and Ell Ron philosophise about the meaning of life, the force, phenomenology, etc.
While they stop for food at a "Space Denny's", Mace goes to the bathroom, and Anakin finally catches up to Ell Ron, and uses the Jedi Mind Trick (TM) to convince him that Mace is evil and that they should destroy eachother. Mace comes out of the bathroom, and they have the lightsaber duel to end all lightsaber duels. Properly disposed of, Anakin now ignores the two and pursues Yoda. But by now, the trail is cold, and he ends up on Alderaan, looking for the kids, so he can destroy them. ObiWan finds him first, and they duel nearly to the death, and Anakin is plunged into a volcano.
Mace has destroyed Ell Ron Hubbardi, and it is in the remains of the shattered high-rise that was the Space Denny's that the emporer encounters him, all pissed off and shit. The emporer turns him to the dark side, and has him change his name to Darth Vader. The emporer says that he will tell everyone that Darth Vader is really Anakin, rescued from the Volcano, and rebuilt with off the shelf cyborg parts.
Yoda catches up with Obi Wan, and tells him that they've got to change plans a bit, because having BOTH twins on Alderaan is a single-point of failure, so Obi Wan takes Luke to Tatooine, and sells him as a slave for a cheap hooker. Luke is eventually sold through several owners, who decide to get rid of him as soon as they find out how much he whines, until he ends up in the same fate as his grandmother Shmi. Eventually, Owen comes to love Luke and sets him free, and even stops molesting him - but continues to keep him on as a farmhand. Yoda, in the meantime, has hidden himself on Dagobah.
Oh yeah, and one twist he wants to add.
The Space Denny's actually gathers roadkill from all around Coruscant. People who have fallen out of windows, or their speeder's seatbelts weren't fastened, etc. And grinds them up as mystery meat. So Mace and Ell Ron were actually eating bits of Amidala and Jar Jar. And when Anakin stopped to warp Ell Ron's mind, he also took a bite of Mace's hamburger, containing bits of Amidala. In this way, Amidala's body became part of the force, and this is the route through which she becomes a ghost at the end of the re-made episode VI. Also, they'll have to reshoot the scenes where Vader takes off his mask in Episode V and VI (and his ghost scene at the end of VI) to replace him with Windu. This is also how Jar Jar's ghost ends up in Episode IV, because he was eaten by Mace, who was Darth Vader. Jar Jar's ghost will be in the scene where Obi Wan is killed, he'll tell Luke; "Luke! Meesa tink yoosa better get a runnin boss" - but he won't admit to being his true father, because that would present an obvious continutiy error with Episode V. In fact, it will never be revealed to Luke who his real father is, and when he pulls off Vader's mask at the end and sees that it's Mace, he'll chalk up the skin color difference to volcanic scorching or something.
- - -
I'm not sure what to say to George. I mean, I think he sent it to me by mistake - I actually opened it by mistake, because the subject line was "Enlarge your penis 500%!" -
I think it's a great idea that hes getting a headstart, and I kind of like this better than where it looked like it was headed.
These are my friends, See how they glisten. See this one shine, how he smiles in the light.