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Science Askew
Whoever came up with that joke definitely doesn't know geeks, or he'd know that they most certainly do appreciate the opposite sex and that that programmer would have been all over the frog in a second. But when geeks make fun of themselves? Now that's something to see -- and Science Askew is a collection of just such humor. The jokes run the gamut from one-liner to extended essay, and almost every major branch of science is represented.
The great strength of Science Askew is that, unlike so many collections of humor about a particular group of people, these aren't just blonde jokes with "chemist" or "computer programmer" or "mathematician" substituted for the word "blonde." It's subject-specific humor -- and at its best, it's good for some serious belly laughs. (An example: "Never lend a geologist money. They consider a million years ago to be recent.") Most of the time, a specialized knowledge of a particular branch of science isn't necessary to get the jokes -- merely being a generalist geek is more than enough.
You'll find many old chestnuts gathered here, such as the "Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!" essay, mixed in with original material by Donald Simanek and lesser-known pieces plucked from magazines. John Holden's illustrations, which range from the brilliantly funny to the incomprehensible, are sprinkled throughout.
Why does Science Askew rate only a 7? While it's nice to have so many science jokes gathered in one place, you're likely to have heard a good number of them before -- and even if you haven't, you can find them (and many more) for free here. While there is a significant amount of original and hard-to-find material, it tends to be of lesser quality than the stuff you can find on the Web. Thus, it's hard to justify the $30 price tag. Plus, as a chemist, I can't help but be miffed that there's no section for chemistry (though there are a few chemistry jokes scattered in other parts of the book). There's an entire 23-page chapter devoted to the life and times of a single fictitious scientist, so why not a chapter for the chemists?
When geeks lampoon each other, the results can be dangerously funny. Unfortunately, as Science Askew shows, the jokes can also fall flat -- but there's enough good material inside to make it worth a look.
You can purchase Science Askew from bn.com. Slashdot welcomes readers' book reviews -- to see your own review here, read the book review guidelines, then visit the submission page.
We've all heard the joke about the computer programmer who, when given the choice of transforming a frog into a beautiful princess with a kiss, declines, saying he has no need for a beautiful woman, 'but a talking frog is REALLY cool!'
Actually no, I haven't.
Q: How many [insert geek type here] does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What are you, an idiot?
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The officer says, "Excuse me, sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg says, "No, but I know where I am."
Gets better every time I hear it.
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two strings walk into a bar.
The first one says "I'll have a beer"
The second says "Yeah, I'll have a beer tooadsfjjl45080f4[].(&$#@jhf,f324...."
The first one replies "sorry my friend isn't null terminated"
*badaboomski*
I came to the datacenter drunk with a fake ID, don't you want to be just like me?
-- Language is a virus from outer space.
"Disclaimer: I'm not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that...."
You're right, there's absolutely nothing wrong with not being gay.
God invented whiskey so the Irish would not rule the world.
Oh come on. That's *totally* a good geek joke. Of course not every geek fits the stereotype, but that doesn't mean there isn't truth to it. You've made it more negative by making the programmer say that he has no need for a girlfriend -- I've often heard it as having no *time* for one. Or that there's plenty of beautiful women in the world already. Either way, the concept of a programmer-geek not acting in the "traditional" manner here is amusing -- much better than that lame geologist joke.
(This whole discussion is going to degenerate into our favourite sci/geek jokes, isn't it? Not that I'm complaining, mind...)
|>
Here be Dragons
Law 1: A cat always lands on its feet
Law 2: A toast always falls with buttered side down
New Technology: Scientists have proposed that we will glue cats to unbuttered sides of toasts. By law one and 2, both will never fall and keep spinning above the ground. This buttered cat array will be used for high speed cat-but-lev trains.
*ducks*
My Aurora : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o91ZsGwJYyg
FB : https://www.facebook.com/TanveersPhotography
That reminds me of:
A red sign on the door of a physics professor: 'If this sign is blue, you're going too fast.'
I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate.
Many years ago, Richard Feynman and Carl Sagan were spending some time in North Carolina to attend a scientific conference. North Carolina is well known for its scenery, and as they were driving back through one of the many forests, Feynman proposed that they buy a tent and spend the night in the forest instead of at a stuffy hotel room. They found a local Outdoor World shop and bought a tent. Then they found a beautiful spot along Mile Marker 42 to pitch their tent. They had a supper of beans and Vienna Sausages then hopped in their tent to sleep.
That night Feynman nudged Sagan.
"Look up," he said. "What do you see?"
"Billions and billions of stars," said Sagan.
"Yes, yes," said Feynman. "What can you deduce from these stars?"
"There are billions and billions of stars. If only a fraction of a percent can support life, then surely we are not alone in the Universe."
"No, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"
A: There were Poles on the right half of the plane!
Q: What is the Fourier Transform of this? (moves hand in a horizontal fashion to indicate a constand function)
A: This! (give person The Finger to indicate the Dirac Delta function).
A mathematician, a physicist and an industrial enginner are asked "Are all odd numbers prime?". So the mathematican goes "Let's see 1 is odd and prime, 3 is odd and prime ... okay by mathematican inducation all odd numbers are prime." The physicist is next. "1 works, 3 works, 5 does, 7 does, 9 doesn't, 11 does, 13 does ... okay that 9 is probably experimental error so, yes, all odd numbers are prime." The industrial engineer is last. "Okay 1 is odd and prime, 3 is odd and prime, 5 is odd and prime, 7 is odd and prime, 9 is odd and prime ..."
Laugh, damn you!
GMD
watch this
So why do machine-level programmers confuse Christmas and Halloween?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
(Thats OCTal 31 = DECimal 25, for those who don't get it.)
LongTail SSH Brute Force analysis tool is here!
One of the coolest things I had ever seen as a kid was in middle school. One of the kids that was always being picked on, picked up one of those combo desk-chairs and smashed it over the head of one of his tormenters. No one ever teased him again. (Now that was back before the days of mandatory mininimums, Ritalin, etc, so be careful :)
One of my favorites, stolen from the Canonical List of Math Jokes:
A project manager, a hardware engineer, and a programmer were in a car. Coming down a hill, a tyre got a puncture, the car went out of control, and a bad crash was only narrowly averted.
The project manager wanted everyone to help draw up a plan of how to fix the car and carry on.
The hardware engineer wanted to change the tyre and carry on.
The programmer wanted to go back to the top of the hill, drive down again, and see if the problem happened again.
There's no sig like this sig anywhere near this sig, so this must be the sig.
Lots of amusing stuff here, including Hawking MP3s.
Has anyone ever read Einstein's joke paper on relativity? Basically opens like this:
"Spend an hour with a beautiful woman and it feels like a minute. Spend a minute sitting on a hot iron and it feels like an hour - this is relativity." He then goes on to describe his experiment where he first finds a beautiful woman and spends an hour with her and indeed it feels like only a minute has passed and then describes how he sat on his wife's stove for a few seconds and how it felt like an eternity of pain...
it tends to be of lesser quality than the stuff you can find on the Web
I didn't know such a thing existed.
Karma: Good (despite my invention of the Karma: sig)
The chemistry/physics folks who worked with lasers at the college I attended had a large sign on their laser lab:
CAUTION: DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT LASER WITH REMAINING EYE
From "Revenge of the Nerds II"
Girl: Are all Nerds as good as you?
Nerd: Yes!
Girl: Wow! Why is that?
Nerd: Because all jocks think about is sports. All Nerds think about is sex.
From experience, this is true.
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." - Philip K. Dick
When this thread is done, there will probably be enough material for a sequel.
For a joke book? That's how much I paid for Wolfram's A New Kind of Science!
.
.
.
[silence... crickets chirping...]
A: Two. One to screw it in, and one to recognize that the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality inside a netherworld of endless obscurity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Fish.
Drug dealers don't count.
The Mechanical Engineer, surveying the wreckage, says "I think the steering column may have broke, causing the wheel to turn violently to the right."
The Electrical Engineer, disagreeing, says "No, I think there may have been a short circuit in the power assisted steering system."
The Software Engineer, looks at the other two, and says "Well anyways, let's push the car back up the hill, on to the road, and see if it happens again."
(Disclaimer: I am a Software Engineer with a CSE degree.)
Funny how an as-yet-undetermined-to-be-dead-shot-cat will totally rot and stink and funk up a place though.
It's 10 PM. Do you know if you're un-American?
self promotion(I write a comic about a scientist):
Comic 1
Comic 2
I know that there's an error in the calculation in the second comic, i just haven't fixed it yet. If you spot it you win... nothing.
oh... and here's the link to the comic's website.
lysergically yours
A. His rear end.
Ba-da-boom.
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A sociologist, a psychologist, and an engineer were discussing the
consequences and implications of a married man having a mistress. The
sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically
unforgivable for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and
engage in such lowly and lustful pursuits.
The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible,
if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human
being, then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress,
as long as he is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.
The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary,
a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why
the affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the
affair is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife
that he is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is
going
to be with his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"
--------
It's OK to be social, just don't tell anyone about it.
What's the difference between an introverted computer scientist and an extroverted computer scientist?
The extroverted computer scientist looks at YOUR shoes.
Karma: Bored. (Thinking about resurrecting the "Anyone else is an imposter" joke.)
while we're doing bad geek jokes...
A proton, an electron, and a neutron walk into a bar. They approach the bar tender and the proton orders a drink. The bartender asks him for a buck. The electron steps up and orders the same drink, again the bartender asks him for a buck. Finally, the neutron walks up, orders and the same drink, and the bartender merely hands it to him stating "For you, no charge"!
*bada ba boom!*
=)
This is my sig. Its pathetic.
My wife was looking up mnemonics for memorizing medical terms the other day, and found this gem:
Columbus sailed the ocean blue
In Fourteen-hundred and ninety-two
Divide that son-of-a-bitch by two
And that's how many watts are in a horsepower.
"Shortly after the discovery of the huge Tharsis volcanoes on Mars, various names were proposed for them. Someone ([Carl] Sagan discreetly described him as "a European savant") suggested that the mountains should be named after various Roman deities - there would be a Mons Martis, a Mons Jovis ... and a Mons Veneris. Planetary scientists seem to lead very sheltered lives - it fell to Sagan to point out that "mons veneris" is a phrase already used to designate a well-loved portion of the female anatomy, and that it could only induce sniggering at the back of the class if the same name were given to a 20-kilometre-high volcano."
(snippet from this page.)
Any other good real-life science humor out there?
I'd have a personalized plate on my car, but "toxic bachelor" won't fit into 7 letters.
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
"The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't! they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints,"
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
A family of atoms is walking down the street and the little baby atom runs up to his parents and says, "Momma! Momma! I think I lost an electron!" and the Momma atom says, "Are you sure?" and the baby atom says, "Yes, I'm positive!"
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender plunks the mug down in front of the neutron. The neutron asks the bartender how much he owes, but the bartender says, "For you, no charge."
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." -- Albert Einstein
True story:
Some years ago when I was working for a toxicology laboratory, I happened to run into an old high school acquaintance.
Him: So what do you do now?
Me: I test drugs.
[pause]
Him: Cool. So, do they just like give them to you?
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a group of psychologist are running an expirement. the place the subject in a room with a sink, a bucket and a garbage can with a fire in it.
They start with an engineer. The engineer grabs the bucket, runs to the sink, fills it with water and throw it on the fire which promptly goes out.
Next up was a physicist. The physicist whips out his slide rule, does some quick calculations, take the bucket over to the sink, fills it and throws it on the fire. The fire goes out exponentially.
Then they let an applied mathematician try it. The Amath guy fills bucket, sets it down next to the fire and leaves. Astonished, the psychologists ask why he didn't put the fire out. The Amath guy repplied that he had reduced it to an already solved problem.
Last up was a mathematician. The mathematician looked at the fire. Then he walked over and looked at the bucket. Then he walked over to the sink, looked at it, and nodded. He then left the room. The psychologists were completely baffeled by this and asked the mathematician about his behavior. "Simple," he replied. "I just proved that a solution existed."
-1: flamebait should really be -1: inciteful
A psychologist went out to eat with an engineer and a mathematician. The three sat next to a window and ordered several waters. The psychologist then took out a lighter, set a napkin on fire, then placed the napkin on the floor. He asked the engineer to put out the fire. The engineer quickly picked up his water from the table and doused the fire. Undeterred, the psychologist lit a second napkin on fire and asked the mathematician to put out the fire. The mathematician moved his water from the windowsill to the table and replied, "It is now reduced to a previously solved problem."
"You can never have too many elephants on your team."
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes that she is headed straight toward his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation sweeps over him.
Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?" She turns and smiles and says, "I'm giving a talk to the Sexual Freedom League."
Whoa! He swallows hard--here's the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen, sitting right next to him, and she's talking about sex! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your talk about?" She looks into his eyes, and says, "I plan to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard, again. "And what myths are those?" She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed. In my experience, the Native American is the most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers. I have found, instead that men of Jewish descent make the very best lovers, on average."
"Very interesting," the man responds. Suddenly, the woman looks embarrassed and starts to blush. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel awkward discussing this with you--why, I don't even know your name." The man extends his hand and replies, "It's Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."
Making trouble today for a better tomorrow...