Dave Barry Answers Alert Slashdot Readers' Questions

Here you go, direct from the keyboard of Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Dave Barry. You asked, he answered. Why, we do not know. We didn't pay him $127,000 to do this, no matter what anyone says. It must be a slow news week in Miami. Or worse -- and this is a scary thought -- maybe Dave likes Slashdot readers and wants you all to like him, too.

1) It's me, Dave
by digitalhermit

Dave:

You should remember me. I'm the guy that shook hands with you that day, two years ago, during the Tropic Hunt in Hollywood. You also signed the napkin I found near the garbage can. I know that it was a clue, but I don't understand why you didn't mention it when you read off the official answers to the Hunt. Clearly the contents were a reference to your many columns on boogers. I still have that napkin and will return it to as soon as you send me your home address.

Anyway, my question is:

How has your life changed since you won a Pullet Surprise? Is the fame and money and gorgeous babes throwing themselves at your feet worth it?

Kwan

PS How much do I need to pay you to get my name in one of your next columns?

Dave:

The best thing about winning the Pulitzer is, about once every ten years you can say (or write) to some jerk who is attacking you in a nasty manner: "Oh yeah? Well I won the Pulitzer." Actually, come to think of it, you can say this even if you DIDN'T win the Pulitzer. Nobody ever checks.

But there are no babes, with the Pulitzer. And the money is (at least when I won) $3,000, which is about what you spend on beer for your friends when you win the Pulitzer.

2) Humour in times of crises
by Anonymous Coward

Hey Dave,

I'm curious about what you think about humour (Canadian spelling) in times of crises. Just before 9/11, I read Bob Hope's autobiography dealing with Pearl Harbour and how important everyone thought it was to keep people laughing because a) it was important for morale and b) it was important to show the Japanese that they hadn't destroyed what it meant to be American.

This doesn't seem to be the case at all after 9/11 (and most recently the loss of Columbia), with the most glaring example being the removal of the Spider-Man trailer (catching a helicopter in a web strung between the two World Trade towers).

What are your thoughts on this and of humour in times of crises in general?

Dave:

I think we in the humor business were fairly self-conscious right after 9-11, but pretty quickly we got back to what we do, which is try to amuse people. I think we do this more to make people like us than to meet any deep national psychic need. Also most of us have no useful skills to fall back on.

So to the extent that humor changes in times of crisis -- and I don't think it does much -- it's more because that's what we think the audience wants. And pretty soon the audience goes back to whatever it thought was funny before.

3) Corruption in Miami City Government
by Nova Express

Dear Dave,

Once you characterized Miami's endemic corruption (and here I would like to note that Endemic Corruption is a good name for a rock band) was so pervasive that Miami would benefit by being taken over by the Mafia, since then at least COMPETENT criminals would be running the city. In light of that, I'd like to ask you: What's the strangest thing you've ever lit on fire?

Whoops, sorry, that was the FBI Carnivore guys monitoring my computer who slipped that last one in. (Motto: "You're Not Authorized to Know Our Motto.") No, the real question is, has Miami's corruption gotten better or worse since you wrote that, and what would you and Carl Hiaasen do if Miami eliminated its Supersized Corruption and merely went with the Small Corruption with Fries enjoyed by other large American cities?

Dave:

I think it's as bad as it ever was, but maybe a little smarter. And if Miami ever straightened itself out, Carl would become a bonefishing guide, and I would become... I dunno. Maybe a bonefish.

4) Joke Tracking Center
by long_john_stewart_mi

In "Dave Barry's Greatest Hits", there was a column entitled "Public-Spirited Citizens Such As You" where you talk about a joke that answers the question, "Why is Walter Mondale nicknamed 'Fritz'?" You ask that everybody write in to The Joke Tracking Center as soon as they hear the joke. I haven't heard the joke, and that question has been keeping me up all night for the past 10 years. Why is Walter Mondale nicknamed Fritz? Also, does The Joke Tracking Center employ bad joke/pun writers? My dad is currently unemployed, and I'm sure he would fit right in.

Dave:

The original joke -- revealed here for the first time -- is that Walter Mondale is called "Fritz" because there is no Norwegian name for "Peckerhead." That may not sound funny now, but, trust me, it was also not funny when I first thought it up. It's HARD to think up jokes. This is probably why the Joke Tracking Center didn't work out. It was supposed to be based on the hurricane-tracking center. The idea was, we would insert a new joke into the nation (I believe we inserted it in Ohio) and then track it as it spread. But the Mondale joke was SO bad that nobody bothered to repeat it, and it died. So did the Joke Tracking Center, which has no organization and no employees. But it still gets junk mail. Which leads us to the obvious question...

5) Obvious Question
by Alien54

What would be your ideal solution for Spam (as in Internet Junk E-mail?)

I've had a good response to the idea of an internet spammer hunting license or season, complete with cute orange ear tags for the spammers.

Dave:

Maybe the solution is for us to stop being so negative. Maybe we should actually buy all the spammers' products -- their low-interest mortgages, and their penis enlargers -- so they will become rich and happy and mellow, and they will decide voluntarily to stop hassling us.

Just kidding! I favor castration.

6) Who are we?
by chrysrobyn

Mr. Barry,

As a nationally syndicated author, you're in quite a high profile position. I have no doubt that, had this interview not come up, you'd be busy doing things you get paid to do.

That said, why did you agree to do this interview? Did you think it would be a neat thing to do? Is this another way for people to learn about your column, or are you learning more about what's on the minds of your readers? Are we going to get our own article written about us (no doubt that would be a funny and possibly humbling experience)? As someone from "the outside world", do you see us as a bunch of people with wide backgrounds and experiences, or are we the teenage boy group that TV tells us owns and authors the internet?

Dave:

I agreed to do this interview because I really and truly want to interact with you, my readers. Also, Slashdot is paying me $127,000.

6a) (addon/followup) by Mr Guy

Also, if you respond to this interview while drunk, is there the dangerous possibility your drinks would be tax deductible?

Dave:

That is a risk I am willing to take.

7) Personal Technology Wishes
by Nonsanity

Looking forward based on today's cutting-edge research (the sort of news Slashdot often reports), what technology do you find yourself impatient to get your hands on today, or which technologies aren't advancing as fast as you would wish?

Dave:

I'm always looking for a newer, smaller, lighter laptop computer. I want a laptop so small and light that sometimes I accidentally suck it up one of my nostrils. I also would like to have a cell phone that enabled me to jam the cell phones of people around me.

8) Hiroshima
by Bonker

Mr. Barry... I own several of your books, as well as a copy of the 'Big Trouble' movie. (I hope you're getting some kind of royalties for that...). In all of your writing, the piece that I felt was the most powerful was your segment on visting Hiroshima in 'Dave Barry does Japan' and witnessing the holiday celbrated in rememberance of the bombing. You've written a few more very serious pieces, such as the column on your visit to one of the 9-11 crash sites.

My question is why do you not do more serious columns and articles like these more often? While I think that your columns and humor articles are great (milk-through the nose funny, frequently) I can't help but feel that the Hiroshima and 9-11 articles were better.

Dave:

First, thank you. Second, my bread and butter (and of course beer) comes from writing humor; this is how I make my living, and this is what the newspapers who publish my weekly column expect from me. I sometimes like the challenge of writing serious pieces, but usually this is when I'm faced with a really serious topic -- such as 9-11 or Hiroshima -- that forces me to be somber. Usually I don't WANT to be somber.

9) When you vote....
by Anonymous Coward

When you vote, do you vote for the candidate that is going to make your job easier as a humor columnist? Or do you actually try to vote for the best canditate?

Dave:

I look at all the attributes of each candidate -- philosophy, integrity, experience -- and then I vote for myself.

10) How much fame?
by cpeikert

Dave,

are you often recognized "on the street"? What I mean is, you're obviously very famous and have tons of fans. But at the same time, I get the sense that you have more of a "cult" following and maybe aren't as well-recognized as, say, Ben Affleck or Chris Rock. Do you have to change your daily routine to avoid being swarmed by adoring fans, or do or do you enjoy relative anonymity in your daily life?

PS - you recently wrote that Michigan ranked among the stupidest states because we have an "official state soil." I heartily agree, but boy did your column provoke some angry letters in the Kalamazoo Gazette!

Dave:

I get recognized a fair amount in Miami, but it's a low-key thing; people sometimes say hello, or compliment me on a column, or fire a revolver my way, but usually they deliberately aim for an extremity. Outside of Miami, I get recognized occasionally, but it's not a regular thing, except of course in Kalamazoo, where I am a god.

Free bonus question: Is it painfull
by geekoid

Dave,

Is it painfull to read all these attempts at asking a 'funny' question?

Dave:

These questions were supposed to be funny?

---

Comments

No....

[Dr. Bent]

You paid him $127,001 because the firewall settings wouldn't let you get the money off localhost.

premier attached message!

[autopr0n]

Ok, not really. Maybe the first with the good karma modifier though :)

I read Dave Barry's book on the internet/computers a long time ago. It was funny as hell. I think the funniest part was the discussion of Jerry Pournelli's article in byte magazine, painting him as the archetypal PC user, illustrating why we didn't use Macs. I mean, if a computer always works, it just isn't fun :)

That would certanly explain why so many people use Linux on the desktop these days *ducks*

GAH! Stupid submit button!

[Dr. Bent]

You paid him $127,001 because the firewall settings would only let you get the money off localhost.

Re:Idiocy prevails.

[ArsSineArtificio]

That's Pulitzer, moron

I am frankly astounded that you couldn't recognize that as a joke.

Re:Commie.

[$rtbl_this]

Hey, it could have been worse: they could have paid him in VA Software stock.

Dave is so funny that we need to protect him!

[peteshaw]

Dave Barry is a national treasure!

I think he should be recognized as such, and as such, he should be surrounded at all times by jersey walls, and many security personnel.

He should be protected, for his own good and the country's good. Even if it means keeping him under house arrrest. Even if it means keeping him in one of those subterranean fortresses surrounded by vast amounts of concrete. He can write his humorous columns in troll-like solitude in the murky darkness, protected and safe.

Only then can we be assured of his the continuance of his fractured take on society that is so desperately needed in these harsh modern times. Then and opnly then. My only question is...

Who's with me?

(Dave if you're reading this, I have a big red van, so if you see me and several of my milita freinds dressed as ninjas and sneaking into your house at night to save you, don't worry.)

Re:Dave is so funny that we need to protect him!

[xavatar]

Dave Barry has gone down the stairs. Dave Barry has been protected.

Re:Dave Barry is Not Funny

[Aexia]

I think "The Robin Williams of Print" would be a great name for a band.

$127,000

[buzzdecafe]

Also, Slashdot is paying me $127,000.

I'd double-check to make sure they didn't pay you in stock.

on spammers

[Anonymous Coward]

I favor castration.

He's got my vote!

Re:Commie.

[wcb4]

Hey, it could have been worse: they could have paid him in VA Software stock.

In which case, it was worth $127,000 when he agreed to do the interview, $1,270 when they emailed him the questions and $1.27 by the time he answers them, and tries to cash out the stock.

paraphrasing some responses for everyone

[circletimessquare]

i am so upset!

shatner and barry have ruined my entire sheltered fanboy life.

i have a razor sharp appreciation of what is important and what is not important in life so here goes:

dave's responses weren't as witty/ hilarious/ exciting/ sardonic as i expected.

i went into the interview with a preconceived notion of what i deserve during my lunchbreak reading experience and i was not satisfied.

since the world revolves around me, i expect slashdot and dave barry to do something about it!

rewrite until i am ecstatic and satisfied to my exacting standards as my standards are the only ones that matter.

thank you. ;-P

Re:Just in case Dave Barry reads this

[zerocool^]

Dear Wil,

You're appearances on Tech TV have most often been gut bustingly funny, especially the ones where you have to be the guy who's asking "how do I do this" when it's quite obvious you could do it better and with more finesse than whoever is showing you.

I read fark every day in anticipation of seeing articles about you.

Dave.

(heh, just kidding, I'm not dave berry, but otherwise, rock on wil).

Slashdot is paying him WHAT?!?

[Guppy06]

"Also, Slashdot is paying me $127,000"

He does realize, of course, that all that money came from banner ads, right?

Castrating Spammers

[pr0ntab]

Dear Dave:

Would you mind repeating that backhanded comment on spammers in your weekly column that I get in the back of Washington Post Magazine? The: "yeah, lets buy your penis enlargers and getaway vacations," followed by: "CASTRATION!!!"

I would photocopy it, hilite the relevant phrases, then mail it to as many spamhaus-related mailing addresses I can dig up.

PSYCHOLOGICAL VICTORY!!!

Thanks, pr0ntab

$127,001?

[mceister]

We didn't pay him $127,000 to do this

I thought the rate was $127,001. Or is that just for in-house articles?

Hmmm...

[moc.tfosorcimgllib]

I sometimes like the challenge of writing serious pieces, but usually this is when I'm faced with a really serious topic -- such as 9-11 or Hiroshima -- that forces me to be somber. Usually I don't WANT to be somber.

I'm sure he meant to say "sober".

Re:Dave Barry is Not Funny

[Rick.C]

I've always thought of Dave Barry as more of a sight-gag kinda guy.

He was in Springfield, OH giving a "lecture" and there was a middle-aged woman acting as an interpreter for the deaf sitting off to the side of the stage doing sign language in real-time.

Dave described how Miami drivers like to give each other the one-finger salute, then immediately turned his head toward the interpreter. The audience followed his gaze and looked over to stage-right as she was finishing his last sentence.

She was flipping us off!

Re:Dave Barry is Not Funny

[redragon]

> He's like the Robin Williams of print.

Only less hairy. :)

127,000 not money, but return path

[DataPath]

127,000 wasn't the money you were being offered - it was part of the return path for the email they sent you, slashdot being notorious spammers. 127.0.0.0

As for castration, I think CowboyNeal would be the most amenable of the bunch.

Re:Just in case Dave Barry reads this

[DataPath]

I almost think there ought to be a "Slashdot Interviews" support group for all those great people who get interviewed by slashdot, and then get bashed in the comments by the vocal minority.

Dodged a bullet!

[fritter]

We didn't pay him $127,000 to do this, no matter what anyone says.

Thank God! I was close to doubting Slashdot's journalistic integrity.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to read all 127 writeups on the CPU review at Tom's Hardware.

Re:Dave Barry is Not Funny

[urbazewski]

I don't read Dave Barry regularly, but I did think this was funny:

I AM NOT JEALOUS of the woman who writes the Harry Potter books. It does not bother me that her most recent book, Harry Potter and the Enormous Royalty Check, has already become the best-selling book in world history, beating out her previous book, Harry Potter Purchases Microsoft.

It does not make me bitter to know that this woman's books are selling like crazy, while my own books -- some of which took me hours to write -- have become permanent nesting grounds for generations of bookstore-dwelling spiders.

And I disagree with the critics who charge that the Harry Potter books teach witchcraft and Satanism. Yes, I'm aware of the recent case in Pittsburgh, where a 9-year-old boy recited a so-called "magic spell" from a Harry Potter book, and his piano teacher turned into a singing walnut. At first glance, this incident seemed alarming, but it turned out that there was a "perfectly innocent explanation," according to a police source, who spoke on the condition that his head be changed back to its normal size.

full text

Re:Commie.

[Anonymous Coward]

Am I the only person who thought that he should have been paid 127,001?

Fritz spotted! Contact the Joke Tracking Center!

[vaxer]

According to this post, the Joke Tracking Center can be contacted at:

Joke Tracking Center
PO Box 011509
Miami, FL 33101

Looks like it's time to send one of those USPS postcards that you can send online...

and here's the corrected address:

JOKE TRACKING CENTER
PO BOX 11509
MIAMI FL 33101-1509

Now let's all be good citizens and send our fritzspotting records to Dave! I wonder if a post office has ever been slashdotted before...

Want a funny thought?

[gosand]

eah I agree. He didn't have good questions to answer in the first place. Garbage in, Garbage out. (or "Shit I/O" as I say).

The interview questions made me shake my head in embarassment as a /. reader. The answers were about as good as anyone could do. The last question really summed it up.

What I do picture as funny is the dorks who got their questions modded up, sitting there excitedly reading the response, hoping for any acknowledgement of their "witty" question, and getting nothing. Oh, the rationalizations that must follow "He just didn't get it!", "Dave Barry just isn't funny", or hopefully "God, I AM a loser fanboy".

Re:$127,000 v. $127001

[$$$$$exyGal]

Dude, talking about gaining geek points loses you geek points.

--sex

Re:Dave Barry is Not Funny

[Rick.C]

If he really is a sight-gag kind guy who makes his living through newsprint, I really must learn more about this amazing method or technology.

I hope nobody's patented this yet, but it works like this:

1. You write words that are chosen specifically for their descriptive qualities.

2. Literate people read these words.

3. Little .avi files magically play in the readers' brains.

4. Oh, and, uh... Profit!!

Re:oh man!

[Paradise Pete]

nothing beats holding the newsprint in your hand and laughing.

You call yours the newsprint? I like to call mine "li'l Elvis. The laughing part is right, though.

Re:$127,000 v. $127001

[ByteHog]

The first rule of geek points is that you don't talk about geek points.

Re:$127,000 v. $127001

[fucksl4shd0t]

Am I a huge geek for even noticing the chance at a joke there, or just sad? Do I lose or gain geek points for even bringing this up?

In fact, you gain geek points for being self-centered, self-conscious, and suffering of a low self-esteem. :)

Next, please.

Darma

[dubiousmike]

You have sucessfully garnished double karma from one joke.

I hereby name that Darma.

I, however, am innocent

[0x0d0a]

I've been a mod. You've probably been a mod.

However, at some point early in the life of this account, one the Slashdot editors, in a random and bitchy mood, permabanned me from M1 moderation. I've *never* been able to mod.

Now, however, the silver lining comes through. I am completely innocent of involvement with flooding Dave with stupid questions. :-)

Re:oh man!

[Christopher Biggs]

Bonker wrote:

...check it out online at the MH website.
http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/living/column ists/dave_barry/ [miami.com]

I looked at that URL and I thought:

Wow, does the Miami Herald have an entire sub-section for dead columnists?

Re:Rock band names

[magic]

Wait, they aren't a rock band? What in the hell are they doing over there if not playing music?

-m