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Advice for a Dad-To-Be?
chrysrobyn asks: "Huzzah! After a few years of trying, my wife is pregnant (due 5 November). I've read about fellow Slashdot readers who are some new and experienced parents. I've certainly read about lots of people getting engaged and married. I'd like to ask for advice on the matter from people in my demographic. What do you wish you had known before child #1 was born? I'm not asking 'how does a geek raise a child?' or 'how do I overclock the activity sets?', but I don't personally know many two income families who are in this position. We sometimes work long hours, and that will either come to an end or we'll put in lots of effort to work around that. What do I do? What do I expect? Are there any products to stay away from? I'm going to be a dad!" Congratulations, on your new family member, chrysrobyn!
1) Do not tell anyone you are pregnant until 12-15 weeks. Miscarriages are quite common and you will feel horrible if it doesn't work out.
2) Do not tell your friends/family the sex or the name of the baby until he/she is born. If you tell everyone these details upfront, there is much less suprise and interest when the sepcial day finally comes. I have had 2 sets of friends who were told the wrong sex (it is never exact unless you have genetic testing) and boy were they red faced (and stuck with the wrong clothing and no name).
3) Buy a PVR or a TiVo if you ever want to watch TV again. PVR's are a new parents best friends.
gratz, first of all...
My partner and I had our first child 7 months ago, and it has been wonderful, we, like you are yours, both worked long hours and made a choice, luckily, my employer has allowed me a flexible schedule (nights and weekendss for a couple of years) so that I can stay home with our child. If the possibilty of one of you staying home does not exist, and you do not have a trusted friend or family member to look after your child, and thereby witness a ton of firsts, you need to start looking now for a day care provider. Pimp friends and family for recommendations, check with the local child and family services organization regarding the recommendations, and then do two visits, on announced, and then one not announced, so you get a feel of the places.
Secondly, baby monitors can wreck havoc upon wifi systems, even if they aren't in the same frequency range. Don't ask me how, I have stopped trying to figure it out. We only use the monitor when it is necessary.
If you are working while watching your child, be prepared to work in 15 minute spurts, and choose tasks that you can leave undone and go back to. Your child may be wonderful in this regard, mine is happily playing away in his exer-saucer while I am doing this, however, some children need constant attention and interaction.
Learn to take time for yourself, and learn to give your wife time as well. Your little bundle of joy will be just that, but he/she will also be exhausting, physically and mentally. In a good way, not in an up-all night because someone forgot to process a batch job corectly way...
Buy a car seat that is set up to be "staged" meaning that it has settings for newborns, babies and toddlers, it will cost more in the short run, but in the long run, it will save you having to buy three car seats. Same with the travel system.
Also, buy a wipes warmer. It sounds odd, but your child will be much happier having himself cleaned with a nice warm towelette as opposed to a cold one.
Most importantly, enjoy. This is a wonderful time, an excellent time, and so full of amazing activies.
It is a great excuse to get new hardware, digital cameras, photo printers and such.
Good luck and congratulations.
Speaking from experience... Even though the baby isn't due till November, and probably will be mostly immobile till sometime next February, start preparing and working on stuff now!
My wife and I did a lot of things to get the baby's room ready but we didn't figure we needed to do the childproofing stuff till the baby was learning to crawl. That's around 4 months at the earliest, but you will spend that first 4 months actively caring for the baby or sleeping. If you aren't feeding the baby, you are changing the baby, if not that you are changing your close because of one of the prior two. If the baby is asleep then you are asleep. Even when you are at work, you are probably sleeping. Next thing you know the new baby is crawling and then it is all you can do to play catch up with all the things the magazines say you should have done by now.
Next piece of advice, ignore the magazines, you will get enough of the "good parents do this" when your new baby is a teenager.
www.HearMySoulSpeak.com
When my first child was born, the biggest shock to my system was how much time my wife and I had to spend doing child care. Babies are helpless, so you gotta do everything for them. Maybe if I had younger siblings (or wasn't such an idiot) I was have known what to expect, but I was completely caught off guard.
Forget working on any type of hobby or non-essential home project for at least three months (probably more).
apros pos of parenthood in general:
There aint no pancake so thin it doesn't have two sides.
I tried the Google search, but thanks to some A-lists tech blogs all I got was 30 links about how raising goats will lead to peace, universal love, harmony amongst nations, free (as in beer) music ...
... when oh when will something be done ????
If I'd tried this 42 days ago I would have discovered the meaning of life....
Another example of Googlewashing
- Remembers why you had kids in the first place. I think a lot of people go into having kids with the vague idea that it will be "fun", and then don't have a good foundation when it turns out to be a lot of work. Having kids isn't fun - it's the creation of a new person. These are not pets, they're people, and for that reason their value cannot be reckoned.
- I would strongly recommend that you consider whether having two incomes is worth it. The bottom line is that, when all the accounting is done, it rarely pays to have two incomes. First, decent daycare is expensive - for anything worth having, at least $700-1000/month/child. Second, there are many hidden expenses of working - how often do you eat out because everyone's too tired to cook? How much do work clothes cost? The net effect is that I'm not sure many families make any more money by both working unless they have very special skills (i.e. doctor,lawyer,etc) or have free childcare.
- The good news: your kids won't be little forever. Hang in there.
- The bad news: your kids won't be little forever. Don't squander the terrible twos sitting in front of the TV or the playstation.
- Get your finances in order. Yes, really. The best thing you can do for your kids is have a good marriage (divorce devastates kids, and anyone who says otherwise is deluded.) And the first best thing you can do for your marriage is to have your finances in order. This doesn't mean making a lot of money, it means not spending money you don't have. If you don't have a budget, make one: http://www.snowmintcs.com/ offers some good software to help.
- As soon as the baby's old enough, arrange a date-night at least once a month. (Typically, "old enough" is about six weeks.) This follows from the previous: the second best thing you can do for your marriage is to spend time together away from the kids. And don't forget to have fun: this shouldn't be a time to bitch about money.
- Following the previous two: if your marriage starts to fall apart, do whatever it takes to stop that. If that means quitting your job and being home, do it -- there's always welfare. Don't wait for the divorce notice to start working on your marriage. (And, oh yes, run like hell from adultery before it happens to you.)
- If someone decides to stay home with the kids, the YMCA is your friend. I'm not sure how common this is, but here the YMCA (1) gives membership to anyone, even if they can't pay and (2) has free childcare while you work out. The time away from the kids is important.
- One thing worth noting: most of the things kids really need cannot be bought, and most of the things that are really good for them are free. A public playground is good for kids on about sixteen million levels - and that $20 toy will be busted within a week.
- This is a team effort: get as much help from the family as you can. But this is your responsility, don't let grandma run your kid's life.
- Discipline early and often, and consistently. How you discipline (i.e. spanking or not) is not nearly as important as being consistent. A book called 1-2-3 Magic offers an excellent start on a good pattern of discipline. Also, if you wait until the kids are three or four to start disciplining, you're doomed. Start when they start crawling and they will grow into it.
- Most importantly: the goal of child-rearing is not always a happy kid. It's a happy, productive adult. Sometimes, the kid needs to cry today to smile tomorrow.
Okay, there's more to say but that's all that comes to mind."He who would learn astronomy, and other recondite arts, let him go elsewhere. " -- John Calvin, commenting on Genesis 1
NEVER repeat NEVER argue with a pregnant woman.
The hormonal changes during pregnancy are 7 times the hormonal changes that cause PMS, so even if you win you will loose.
I have mod points but the Diaper Genie really rocks and the Vent Aire bottles are worth 10 times their weight in gold. I just couldn't mod this up enough with 1 point.
This should get you started
I wonder if there's a Geek Fathers club...
--
Mando
Check out The Story About the Baby. The first year of a child's life, as seen by her dysfunctional geek of a father. Not only is it a great introduction for what to expect, it's hilarious as well. Should be at the top of any geek parent's reading list.
Chelloveck
I give up on debugging. From now on, SIGSEGV is a feature.
Buy her a nice glifing rocker chair for those nigths she will be up feeding the baby. Also, get her some sort of a Tivo type thing for when she is up feeding him in the middle of the night and there is nothing on tv.
If you make a comment to Huggies on their website (Good or bad comment), they will send you a coupon for a free pack of diapers. Also, you will start getting tons of crap in your mail. Look through it, there ar some good coupons in there. We were getting a free coupon each month for Carnation formula from a magazine we had gotten signed up for.
Finally, formula smells bad. For the first several months of their life, your baby's formula will smell worse than their crap. Trust me on this one. The faintest whiff of formula just turns my stomache now.
Most of all, just have fun! Enjoy your baby the first few days when all he does is sleep (It won't last long!). Make sure your wife gets plenty of rest, she'll need it the first several months.
Enjoy your baby!
Chris - Father of a 9 month old boy
Here's a few reasons why:
- Breast is best. No, really, it is. Even the formula companies, in their advertisements, have to admit that breast feeding is by far the best thing for your kids. Breast-fed babies get sick a lot less (I have twin two-year olds that have only been sick with colds/ear infections twice -- bottle-fed babies seem sick all the time, especially if they are in day care.) There's also conclusive evidence that breast-fed babies are more emotionally stable, and some reason to be that they are on average smarter. Also, there are a few chronic diseases (such as Krohn's disease) that breast-fed children just don't get. These last for a lifetime.
- Breast is easiest. Visualize a two AM feeding. Now, at one two-AM feeding, you have to go downstairs, get out the formula, find a bottle, clean a bottle (if your house is like mine), warm a bottle, hold the bottle while the baby eats, burb the baby, clean up where the baby spit up all over you because bottle-fed babies puke more, and finally, an hour later, go back to bed. Don't forget that the baby is screaming the whole time cause he has colic because you're bottle-feeding. At the other two-AM feeding, you get the baby out their crib, walk her to the bed, where your naked wife sleepily takes the baby in her arms and feeds her. The baby barely wakes up, and the mother barely wakes up, and you are back in bed in less than five minutes. You can then, 15 minutes later, return the baby to the crib if you must, but it's really not a big deal.
- You will be denying income to some seriously evil corporations that do things like giving free samples of formula to third-world mothers, then letting the babies starve when the samples run out and the third-world people can't afford more.
- Your pediatrician will thank you. (None of your other doctors will care, but your pediatrician will.)
- Your wife will tend to lose baby weight much more quickly. Also, Breast-feeding produces a hormone that contracts muscles in the lower abdomen stretched by pregnancy. Short form - yum.
- Did I mention that the pregnancy breasts stick around longer? Yum.
- Breast milk is tasty, especially warm. yum.
- Breast-milk comes in shapely, reusable containers.
- Formula is *expensive*.
If it's so good, why don't more people do it?- In the 20's and 30's, it was stylish not to breast feed. Breast-feeding was considered low-class.
- There was some serious hubris starting in the thirties that said that we could out-do nature and that breast milk was better for the baby. This is conclusively disproved.
- Silly victorian body modesty.
- Grandma bottle-fed, and is libel to be offended if you tell her that what she did wasn't best. People get seriously offended about this. Tell 'em to go to hell.
- Did I mention that the formula companies spend a lot on advertising? Seriously, when you go the hospital, even if you're breast-feeding, you will be baraged with promotional junk provided by the formula companies. If you do not have a good pediatrician, you will get it there too.
- Formula is free at first. Kind of like cocaine.
- Breast-feeding *hurts* for the first week or so. This can't be denied. Trust me: it does get better.
Anyway, there's my rant. This is based on four children worth of experience, breast and bottle fed."He who would learn astronomy, and other recondite arts, let him go elsewhere. " -- John Calvin, commenting on Genesis 1
The first thing to realize is that your life, at least for the first six months after your child is born, will change drastically. Not necessarily in a bad way, but things will be different with the baby around.
Here are some hints that I was told and some I've picked up:
1. Buy things now. If you are going to use disposable diapers, buy a pack or two everytime you go to the store. Don't get just newborns, get size 1 and 2 as well if your budget allows. I used Huggy Ultra-Trims on my son, they worked well. I wouldn't recommend doing the same with formula as our son had to go through a couple types before we found what seemed to work best for him.
2. Along with number one, plan your budget accordingly. My wife missed quite a bit of work due to morning sickness, pregnancy-induced diabetes, and was induced a month early due to pre-eclampsia (don't think I spelled that right, but have to hit the door soon). This left us with less money than expected before our son was born, so we didn't have the baby bed bought and paid for, for example.
3. Make sure you have a comfy chair (Cardinal Fang) to sit in for the feedings. We had a rocking chair (not a glider) in my son's room, but it was not comfortable. A month after he was born, we bought a rocking recliner that made night-time feedings much better.
4. If you don't have it, find a way to get a camer/digital camera and/or camcorder. I didn't have one when our son was born, but Grandma and Grandpa did and we used it when visiting them to get those moments you don't want to forget. Also look into getting a baby book set up now. My wife's cousin promised us one but never delivered, so we don't have all of the usual things recorded that some people would like to have.
5. Beg and borrow as much stuff as you can. We got a bassinet from a family friend, my wife's co-worker garage sale for baby clothes, we borrowed a car seat from a friend, etc. Spend on what you must, but borrow what you can. People will offer.
6. Family can be a big help. My wife's parents babysit the boy at least every third week, which can be very helpful.
7. Definitely attend a childbirth class. Your local hospital likely has one that expectant parents can attend. If nothing else, do this.
Being a good parent is very difficult. It is much easier to start off with good habits and enforce them, rather than duck them and try to sort them out later.
Sleep is absolutely critical- both yours and theirs.
If you can't get sleep right, you get an over-tired irritable child which develops a whole lot of other problems e.g. behavioural problems. People always say to us "aren't you lucky, your children sleep really well". It's not luck. We worked hard at it, it was difficult, but it was well worth it.
Here are some books for someone looking for something a little less rose tinted.
Up the duff
and
Silent Nights
The silent nights book is the most important single book/ advice we had. It saved our sanity, and made our children happier and much nicer. Good luck !
Humorous signatures are over-rated.
If you have freinds with kids - in the 18 months to 2 year range (younger can help but most do not move as fast!)
"Rent them for a Day"
You will never think of the stuff in your house that is unsafe -- until you watch one of these kids - take it a part.
A book case with large books at the bottom and the "kid" books at the top. Either bottom boooks are stairs or a chair/box/toys are used.
A flower pot is turned over. You ask how a child that is 20 pounds can turn over a large 50 pound flower pot. EASY.
Buy legos. Looottttsss of legos. =)
Just remember to always turn the light on when you get up in the night. Lego's really, really hurt when you step on them with bare feet.