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Advice for a Dad-To-Be?
chrysrobyn asks: "Huzzah! After a few years of trying, my wife is pregnant (due 5 November). I've read about fellow Slashdot readers who are some new and experienced parents. I've certainly read about lots of people getting engaged and married. I'd like to ask for advice on the matter from people in my demographic. What do you wish you had known before child #1 was born? I'm not asking 'how does a geek raise a child?' or 'how do I overclock the activity sets?', but I don't personally know many two income families who are in this position. We sometimes work long hours, and that will either come to an end or we'll put in lots of effort to work around that. What do I do? What do I expect? Are there any products to stay away from? I'm going to be a dad!" Congratulations, on your new family member, chrysrobyn!
I was quite surprised by the sophistication of my child's emotions. (My child is probably typical in this respect.)
When he was about 6 months old, he was trying to do something. His attempts were pretty silly, because of his inexperience with the world, and I laughed at him. Not a big laugh, just a chuckle.
When I did, he suddenly got a look on his face that was absolutely clear. He was obviously very offended. Then it quickly changed to embarrassment and he stopped trying to do what he had been working on and refused to try again.
I was really shocked. I had no idea that a 6-month-old baby could understand that he was being laughed at (not with), nor that he was capable of having his pride hurt.
I assumed babies were simpler, with very simple emotional responses to physical needs and wants. I never imagined that I could hurt a baby's pride.
I guarantee it never happened again. Since then, I've been very careful to treat him with a lot more respect.
I should also say that he resembles me a lot and I can pick up his emotions easily because I recognize my own reactions. I never realized how difficult it is to be a baby or small child. They have LOTS of fears and frustrations. The worst for him appears to be a frustration at the lack of control he has over his own life. If I want something, I can just take it, and he knows that. If he wants something, he has to ask, and more often than not the answer is a "No" for which he has little appeal. (It's often something dangerous that I can't compromise on.) That lack of control is very stressful to him, which is something I hadn't anticipated.
Take their emotions seriously. Imagine yourself in their position and have some empathy for how tough it would be. It seems to be approximately as tough for them as it would be for you in the same situation, which would be pretty tough if you think about it, so try not to automatically say "no" just for your own convenience. Think about how you would like to be treated if you were trapped in their situation, and treat them accordingly.
"Those who have never entered upon scientific pursuits know not a tithe of the poetry by which they are surrounded."
The most important thing I can say that won't help you right now is teach the child sign language. Learn some basic sign language (eat, drink, sleep, ouch). Start at around 6 months. By 9 months they will be able to tell you when they are hungry. This is wonderful and simplifies your life.
My son is 15 months old and knows eat, shoes, on, and "more" as in more food in sign language. We started him at 12 months. He can only say momma, dadda, hot, look, shoes with his voice, the sign language helps other things. Using sign language and voice he vocally says "shoes" while signing "on". My sister in law is trying to teach him "shiznit" and I'm trying to teach him to say "drunken flirt". In sign we are working on bath, dog, drink, mom, dad, thank you, and milk.
I recommend the book Sign with Your Baby by Joseph Garcia.
ISBN Number: 0963622927 for searching
Amazon.com link Hopefully this one works.
For all of our shower gifts to our friends and family we get this book. It is so worth it.
1 - Learn about pregnancy and child birth. If you are a geek and truly like knowing how things work then this will blow you away. My wife and I took one of the natural child birth classes. She did deliver naturally but that doesn't really matter so much. What was best about it was that we were very well educated and always knew what was happening and what to expect next. This is not the norm. Most couples that I spoke to were completely ignorant and completely scared about child birth.
2 - Kids like a routine. Think about it. Everything that a young child experiences is new. Their little minds are searching for patterns. Sometime a little routine can go a long way.
3 - Get sleep when you can. I made the mistake of taking on an extra programming project thinking it would be good since I could do it from home. As a result I worked when our baby slept. I never slept. Sleep deprivation can ruin the great experience of having a baby. Some sleep deprivation is unavoidable but don't let your gaming, programming, surfing habits get in the way of some quality sleep. Oh yea, don't be fooled into thinking you can get much of anything done while your baby is awake. It doesn't work. Focus on the baby or focus on work. You will be much happier and effective that way.
4 - Exercise. I can't tell you how much it helps to get out and clear your head. Having kids requires a lot of energy. Exercise goes a long way towards cultivating this energy.
5 - Know that your life will change. Your priorities will change. Some of this will be difficult if you aren't ready for it. If you are a busy person already then you will give something up - maybe a lot. Accept it and move on. It's so worth it but you may not always feel that way.
6 - Someone before me mentioned the importance of maintaining your marriage. I can't stress this enough. You and your wife have to make time for each other and work hard at appreciating each other. It's all too easy to get totally focused on the baby and forget everything else. You need each other. The baby especially needs you both. Find out what makes your spouse feel happy, loved, romantic, etc. and do it often. You have to work at it - both of you. I have seen way too many friends split up lately because the stress of kids made them loose focus of what is truly important.
We stopped eating 'ready meals' and almost all our food is now home prepared - if you give your child what you eat you don't have to prepare 'kiddy meals'. When we eat out he either has some of ours or we order a proper starter for him (usually both). Only in France have we ever bothered with meals aimed at children because in that restaurant it was a small adult portion. He still likes (and gets) chocolate and crisps but most of his diet is real food.
I agree about the TV except - teletubbies (I hate it, he loved it but has now grown out of it) and Bear In The Big Blue House. If you can get them Thomas The Tank Engine and Bob The Builder are good - Bob The Builder is an excellent role model for small kids.
When your child is newborn to about 1 year remember to watch TV with teletext subtitles (closed caption?) to keep you sane with the crying.
My final tip - spent time with your child s/he will soon grow and you shouldn't miss any more than you can help. Cut out the late nights - fulfill your work obligations but be at home as much as you can. You should have a better relationship with both your wife and child. They may change as they get older but children would rather have your time than the toys you work overtime to buy.
Oh and a final tip - listen with your eyes when your child talks, don't watch TV or read when being told something which is important to her/him.
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i for one as a male of 19 am always telling my partner to get the good job so i can stay at home. never rule this out no matter how badly you feel you have to be the bread winner. besides the fact that you might be more financialy sound, you as a male might have a better relationship with your kid/s in the future do to the early bonding... but what do i know? :)
-- botsex is {grep;touch;strip;unzip;head;mount}
Babies you expect to interfere, but by the time they're 3 you have this (ill-conceived) notion they should be structured enough to get to bed on time.
:)
One trick that you might find useful: set bedtime to be about half an hour earlier than you would like. When the "just 5 more minutes" arguments start up you can give them a bit more time (don't give in too easily!). With a bit of luck you'll get them to bed at or near the time you want, and they think they're staying up a bit later. Everyone's happy.
My parents used this on me, and thought it was quite successful. YMMV.
The VCR game is a variation on a tribesman method of catching a monkey: drill a narrow hole in a tree and open it out to make a cavity, then put some food in the cavity and leave a few hints that there's food available. The monkey can reach in and grab the food, but the closed fist is too large to come back out. A greedy dilemma that allows the monkey to be caught.
On another note: good luck with the lifetime of the VCR. Things other than video tapes are put in there by curious children
Ian.
A physicist is an atom's way of thinking about atoms