Advice for a Dad-To-Be?

chrysrobyn asks: "Huzzah! After a few years of trying, my wife is pregnant (due 5 November). I've read about fellow Slashdot readers who are some new and experienced parents. I've certainly read about lots of people getting engaged and married. I'd like to ask for advice on the matter from people in my demographic. What do you wish you had known before child #1 was born? I'm not asking 'how does a geek raise a child?' or 'how do I overclock the activity sets?', but I don't personally know many two income families who are in this position. We sometimes work long hours, and that will either come to an end or we'll put in lots of effort to work around that. What do I do? What do I expect? Are there any products to stay away from? I'm going to be a dad!" Congratulations, on your new family member, chrysrobyn!

Comments

my only advice to all parents.

[Unknown Poltroon]

1. Food goes in the noisy end.
2. Diapers go on the stinky end.
3. NEVER EVER get those ends mixed up.

Google

[Kalak]

I'm sick of these Ask /.s that can be solved with a simple Google search! If you can't figure out raising kids with a quick Google search, I don't know how you can call yourself a geek!

Seriously though, keep your sense of humor and perspective on the whole experience. If you have the humor of a kid, then you can understand a lot of what makes them tick, and can see things from their point of view. If you work on this, then you can see the world through your kids eyes. This not only helps your personal enjoyment of living, but help you see how to deal with those arguments/fights/frustrations as well. If you can see it in your kids perspective, then you'll be better able to troubleshoot or debug the situation.

For reference, I've got a 5 year old boy and a 4 year old girl (with apraxia). Congrats and have fun!

Congradulations!!!!!!

[bac()n]

Buy legos. Looottttsss of legos. =)

Three pieces of advice...

[burnsy]

1) Do not tell anyone you are pregnant until 12-15 weeks. Miscarriages are quite common and you will feel horrible if it doesn't work out.

2) Do not tell your friends/family the sex or the name of the baby until he/she is born. If you tell everyone these details upfront, there is much less suprise and interest when the sepcial day finally comes. I have had 2 sets of friends who were told the wrong sex (it is never exact unless you have genetic testing) and boy were they red faced (and stuck with the wrong clothing and no name).

3) Buy a PVR or a TiVo if you ever want to watch TV again. PVR's are a new parents best friends.

Re:Three pieces of advice...

[belroth]

My son is three and a half and we've been to McDonalds once, for me when my blood sugar was low. We made a decision to give our son real food - he still likes chocolate but he also likes (not tolerates, likes) green vegetables, fruit etc.
We stopped eating 'ready meals' and almost all our food is now home prepared - if you give your child what you eat you don't have to prepare 'kiddy meals'. When we eat out he either has some of ours or we order a proper starter for him (usually both). Only in France have we ever bothered with meals aimed at children because in that restaurant it was a small adult portion. He still likes (and gets) chocolate and crisps but most of his diet is real food.

I agree about the TV except - teletubbies (I hate it, he loved it but has now grown out of it) and Bear In The Big Blue House. If you can get them Thomas The Tank Engine and Bob The Builder are good - Bob The Builder is an excellent role model for small kids.
When your child is newborn to about 1 year remember to watch TV with teletext subtitles (closed caption?) to keep you sane with the crying.

My final tip - spent time with your child s/he will soon grow and you shouldn't miss any more than you can help. Cut out the late nights - fulfill your work obligations but be at home as much as you can. You should have a better relationship with both your wife and child. They may change as they get older but children would rather have your time than the toys you work overtime to buy.

Oh and a final tip - listen with your eyes when your child talks, don't watch TV or read when being told something which is important to her/him.

things to consider...

[StillDocked]

gratz, first of all...

My partner and I had our first child 7 months ago, and it has been wonderful, we, like you are yours, both worked long hours and made a choice, luckily, my employer has allowed me a flexible schedule (nights and weekendss for a couple of years) so that I can stay home with our child. If the possibilty of one of you staying home does not exist, and you do not have a trusted friend or family member to look after your child, and thereby witness a ton of firsts, you need to start looking now for a day care provider. Pimp friends and family for recommendations, check with the local child and family services organization regarding the recommendations, and then do two visits, on announced, and then one not announced, so you get a feel of the places.

Secondly, baby monitors can wreck havoc upon wifi systems, even if they aren't in the same frequency range. Don't ask me how, I have stopped trying to figure it out. We only use the monitor when it is necessary.

If you are working while watching your child, be prepared to work in 15 minute spurts, and choose tasks that you can leave undone and go back to. Your child may be wonderful in this regard, mine is happily playing away in his exer-saucer while I am doing this, however, some children need constant attention and interaction.

Learn to take time for yourself, and learn to give your wife time as well. Your little bundle of joy will be just that, but he/she will also be exhausting, physically and mentally. In a good way, not in an up-all night because someone forgot to process a batch job corectly way...

Buy a car seat that is set up to be "staged" meaning that it has settings for newborns, babies and toddlers, it will cost more in the short run, but in the long run, it will save you having to buy three car seats. Same with the travel system.
Also, buy a wipes warmer. It sounds odd, but your child will be much happier having himself cleaned with a nice warm towelette as opposed to a cold one.

Most importantly, enjoy. This is a wonderful time, an excellent time, and so full of amazing activies.

It is a great excuse to get new hardware, digital cameras, photo printers and such.

Good luck and congratulations.

Sleep when they sleep!

[Cuchullain]

You will be exhausted at first. Don't try to be goal oriented and work while the kid sleeps... Sleep when they do, it is more important than a perfect house, or whatever you are hacking on.

Trust me, Sleep is priority one for the first few weeks.

Cuchullain

Thoughts from the dad of a 9month old

[dmorin]

Our first child, Katherine, was born just about 9 months ago. Here's my thoughts, in no special order:

• Get her honest opinion on her career versus raising a child. Does she want to go back to work eventually? Fulltime? My wife is a physical therapist who very clearly wants to be a fulltime mom, but not give up on her career. So she works 1 weekend a month.
• Financially speaking, are you where you need to be if she wants to stop working? Personally I'm dead set against families that just plain can't afford a child but decide to have one anyway. Not a big fan of dropping a 1month old in daycare 5 days a week. People do it, sure. But when we bought our house last year I made it a point to do all the finances on the assumption that there would only be my salary, not hers, so that we have the option of letting her be the mom she wants to be.
• Insurance. Decide up front whose insurance the baby will be on, since by default the hospital will put the baby on mom's. But since my wife was quitting and thus would not have insurance (well, not as a part timer) then I needed to put them both on mine. The ensuing confusion (since we both had the smae company, just different accounts) lasted months.
• Babies do not always come on time, so get things ready at least a month ahead of time.
• Your wife will "nest" whether she acknowledges it or not. That's scientific talk for "Oh my god we have to paint this room pink RIGHT NOW" when she's only 5 months along. Go with it. Buy the furniture. Then realize that most people have the baby sleep in the same room as the parents for the firsts 6 months anyway.
• If you have any fear of dropping the baby or otherwise not holding her properly, forget it. Instinct kicks in and you'll do just fine.
• Come labor and delivery, your job is to do what your wife says. If she wants mom and dad there, fine. If she doesn't, then no matter what mom and dad say, take a stand and kick them out. Same with visitors. After the baby is born people will want to come see. If your wife is tired, or breastfeeding, or whatever, by all means scoot the visitors out firmly. She should NOT feel uncomfortable or otherwise upset by anybody, not after what she's just gone through.
• Recording things is cool. Personally I kept a paper diary of every day of her pregnancy from the day she told me to the birth. Went home, printed and bound it (with newborn pictures) and gave it to her as a present. I have no opinion on the couple who recently broadcast the entire delivery on their weblog. Not a big fan of recording the actual birth.
• Pack *your* bag for the hospital. They will give your wife most of what she needs (in terms of food and clothing), but not you. You may be there the better part of the week.
• Speaking of which, discuss the plans for immediately after the baby is born. Will you be by her side 24hrs a day? Because odds are that you want to get the house ready for her (not to mention the impending flood of visitors). Also, you probably have limited paternity leave that you might be better off using up once you get home. My wife's mother was with her every day in the hospital, which gave me a chance to go home, get the mail and newspapers, shower, and make sure that the air conditioning contractor hadn't stolen the jewelry.
• If somebody suggests sometihng that sounds like a silly idea to you, skip it. One we heard was "Bring scented oils to get rid of the hospital smell, a bathing suit for dad in case mom wants to go in the shower while in labor, and your favorite CDs to listen to." We used none of that. Some people might like it, though -- thus, to them, it doesn't sound silly.
• Do not research yourself silly, you'll only get an ulcer out of it. The doctors will probably tell you many things that *could* happen, which your brain will hear as "will" happen, and therefore you brace yourself for the worst. If it is something to worry about, they will tell you. Ask. I remember when my wife was a

congrats

[farnsworth]

apros pos of slashdot, I would emphatically recommend setting up some sort of photo repository application *now*. and test it. make sure it easy to upload pictures with one hand, because once the baby comes, you'll no longer have the use of both hands. unless you are both orphans or live with your entire family, a lot of people will be *dying* to see pictures, and they will not stop asking you for them. it's very easy to set it up now, and it will well worth it, come november.

apros pos of parenthood in general:

1. get sleep now
2. go see movies now
3. help your wife with keeping healthy. read about nutrition and excercise, and do it as a team.
4. have a birth plan
5. say goodbye to all your friends :)
6. have a strategy for childcare. you probably wont be able to arrange specifics this far in advance, but you have to start narrowing it down.
7. if you have any long-term non-family related tasks to do, DO THEM NOW. for example, forget about learning c# in 9 months.
8. find a parents support group near you. there are millions of things that you will need to do that currently you have no idea how to do. if you're in the SF Bay Area (or don't mind filtering through local info), check out the berkeley parents network.
9. have fun! don't sweat it too much. people have been doing this for a pretty long time with moderate success, and half the parents are in the bottom 50 percentile!

Priorities

[Fished]

Let me start with my "qualifications": I have four kids, aged one to five. While I cannot claim to know everything, I think I do have some idea what you're in for. As a part-time pastor, I've also seen more than a little bit of what goes wrong in marriages. Here are a few tips:

1. Remembers why you had kids in the first place. I think a lot of people go into having kids with the vague idea that it will be "fun", and then don't have a good foundation when it turns out to be a lot of work. Having kids isn't fun - it's the creation of a new person. These are not pets, they're people, and for that reason their value cannot be reckoned.
2. I would strongly recommend that you consider whether having two incomes is worth it. The bottom line is that, when all the accounting is done, it rarely pays to have two incomes. First, decent daycare is expensive - for anything worth having, at least $700-1000/month/child. Second, there are many hidden expenses of working - how often do you eat out because everyone's too tired to cook? How much do work clothes cost? The net effect is that I'm not sure many families make any more money by both working unless they have very special skills (i.e. doctor,lawyer,etc) or have free childcare.
3. The good news: your kids won't be little forever. Hang in there.
4. The bad news: your kids won't be little forever. Don't squander the terrible twos sitting in front of the TV or the playstation.
5. Get your finances in order. Yes, really. The best thing you can do for your kids is have a good marriage (divorce devastates kids, and anyone who says otherwise is deluded.) And the first best thing you can do for your marriage is to have your finances in order. This doesn't mean making a lot of money, it means not spending money you don't have. If you don't have a budget, make one: http://www.snowmintcs.com/ offers some good software to help.
6. As soon as the baby's old enough, arrange a date-night at least once a month. (Typically, "old enough" is about six weeks.) This follows from the previous: the second best thing you can do for your marriage is to spend time together away from the kids. And don't forget to have fun: this shouldn't be a time to bitch about money.
7. Following the previous two: if your marriage starts to fall apart, do whatever it takes to stop that. If that means quitting your job and being home, do it -- there's always welfare. Don't wait for the divorce notice to start working on your marriage. (And, oh yes, run like hell from adultery before it happens to you.)
8. If someone decides to stay home with the kids, the YMCA is your friend. I'm not sure how common this is, but here the YMCA (1) gives membership to anyone, even if they can't pay and (2) has free childcare while you work out. The time away from the kids is important.
9. One thing worth noting: most of the things kids really need cannot be bought, and most of the things that are really good for them are free. A public playground is good for kids on about sixteen million levels - and that $20 toy will be busted within a week.
10. This is a team effort: get as much help from the family as you can. But this is your responsility, don't let grandma run your kid's life.
11. Discipline early and often, and consistently. How you discipline (i.e. spanking or not) is not nearly as important as being consistent. A book called 1-2-3 Magic offers an excellent start on a good pattern of discipline. Also, if you wait until the kids are three or four to start disciplining, you're doomed. Start when they start crawling and they will grow into it.
12. Most importantly: the goal of child-rearing is not always a happy kid. It's a happy, productive adult. Sometimes, the kid needs to cry today to smile tomorrow.

Okay, there's more to say but that's all that comes to mind. :) Good luck, and don't forget your priorities: first, your marriage, then your children, then yourself.

Step One: Lighten Up

[gmhowell]

Step One: lighten up. You're the dad, and you're married. You won't get to do the fun stuff unless they let you. 'They' is your wife, her friends, her sister(s), your sister(s), your mother, your mother in law, etc. All of this is good, as if you start to smell poop, you run for another room. Doesn't matter which room, as long as the kid isn't there. Another good hint is to look at her sister, your mother, etc. and say "Oh, isn't it cute when Junior does this?" then run to the other room. Their ability to let a kid sit around in a poopy diaper is much less than yours. Trust me.

While naked kids running around are kinda funny in a Lord of the Flies way, they will piss on things even more indiscriminantly than a vile cat. You have been warned.

Read my journal, and look at my friends list. I've written plenty on the subject. Go to www.marotti.com and look for my 'geek dad' writings. Honestly, I've already covered most of the basics on the subject.

What else... Learn to work the repeat function on your DVD player. The kid's favorite Disney flick plus A->B repeat equals hours of peace and quiet.

Newborns and infants don't do much. Oh, it'll be interesting as hell for you, but they really don't do anything. Eat, crap, sleep, repeat. If you're lucky (there's two types of luck;) you'll get a screamer. That would be my sister and her husband as infants.

Cut back on the work. My father is a physician. Did and does work 60+ hour weeks. Mother used to run his office, and did the same. I had more toys and other shit growing up than probably 99% of the people out there. Didn't make me any happier than spending time with the folks.

Enjoy the sex while you can. It IS going to change. But I'm sure you can get plenty of advice on masturbation from almost anyone on /.

Congratulations!

[Mandomania]

My wife and I had a son just over two years ago. Here's our two bits:

• Prepare for sleepless nights. This was the one thing that caught us completely by surprise. People always joked that we'd never sleep, but I thought, "Hey, I've worked crunch time. I've put in 100 hr. weeks. This baby won't be so bad." Ha! That little monster kept us awake for a year. Just FYI. If you don't have a coffee maker, get one now.
• You can NEVER have too many diapers. Believe me, there's nothing worse than making a 3am run to the store to pick up diapers for a 6 mo. old. NOTHING. Oh, and pick up a Diaper Genie (it's one of those diaper pail things with the sealable bags). It won't block all of the odor, but it helps. A LOT. And get a wipe warmer (I think someone might have already mentioned it).
• Teething's a bitch. Unfortunately, beyond keeping those little teething rings nearby, there's not much you can do. Kids sometimes get feverish when they're teething, so before you panic and think your kid has malaria, check the gums. She's probably teething.
• Speaking of malaria, kids get sick. This is the worst part of being a parent, IMHO. You will NEVER feel more helpless in your entire life than when you're holding your sick kid, and they look up at you with those "I-feel-like-shit-why-won't-you-do-something!" eyes. Again, not much you can do here other than take the kid in to the pediatrician, give them the medicine, and suck it up. They get sick all the time (especially if they're in day care), but it's just a fact of life. And it doesn't get any easier :-(.
• Enjoy this time. Each phase of childhood has it's own joys, but the first 6-9 months are really special. Everything's new, and everything she does will be "The First". The First Smile. The First Laugh. The First Crap. The First Projectile Vomit. You get the drift. Savor these moments, because like college basketball, they're over far too soon. Once she's mobile (crawling or walking), it's all over.

This should get you started :-). Of course, if you have any questions or just wanna bawl like a little girl, I'd be happy to help (or ridicule). Email's above.

I wonder if there's a Geek Fathers club...

--
Mando

Baby emotions

[GCP]

I was quite surprised by the sophistication of my child's emotions. (My child is probably typical in this respect.)

When he was about 6 months old, he was trying to do something. His attempts were pretty silly, because of his inexperience with the world, and I laughed at him. Not a big laugh, just a chuckle.

When I did, he suddenly got a look on his face that was absolutely clear. He was obviously very offended. Then it quickly changed to embarrassment and he stopped trying to do what he had been working on and refused to try again.

I was really shocked. I had no idea that a 6-month-old baby could understand that he was being laughed at (not with), nor that he was capable of having his pride hurt.

I assumed babies were simpler, with very simple emotional responses to physical needs and wants. I never imagined that I could hurt a baby's pride.

I guarantee it never happened again. Since then, I've been very careful to treat him with a lot more respect.

I should also say that he resembles me a lot and I can pick up his emotions easily because I recognize my own reactions. I never realized how difficult it is to be a baby or small child. They have LOTS of fears and frustrations. The worst for him appears to be a frustration at the lack of control he has over his own life. If I want something, I can just take it, and he knows that. If he wants something, he has to ask, and more often than not the answer is a "No" for which he has little appeal. (It's often something dangerous that I can't compromise on.) That lack of control is very stressful to him, which is something I hadn't anticipated.

Take their emotions seriously. Imagine yourself in their position and have some empathy for how tough it would be. It seems to be approximately as tough for them as it would be for you in the same situation, which would be pretty tough if you think about it, so try not to automatically say "no" just for your own convenience. Think about how you would like to be treated if you were trapped in their situation, and treat them accordingly.

Re:Baby emotions

[belroth]

Once the childs comprehension starts picking up (5/6 months) whenever possible explain the reasons for prohibitions etc. They won't understand to start with but they will gradually start to pick things up and it will train you to treat them as intelligent. Not going overboard, the explanations are simple to start with but it's a principle of communication you are establishing.

One word: breastfeed

[Fished]

I've already posted here, but one of those many things I'd forgotten came to my attention: don't even think about bottle feeding. No, I'm serious. Don't.

Here's a few reasons why:

1. Breast is best. No, really, it is. Even the formula companies, in their advertisements, have to admit that breast feeding is by far the best thing for your kids. Breast-fed babies get sick a lot less (I have twin two-year olds that have only been sick with colds/ear infections twice -- bottle-fed babies seem sick all the time, especially if they are in day care.) There's also conclusive evidence that breast-fed babies are more emotionally stable, and some reason to be that they are on average smarter. Also, there are a few chronic diseases (such as Krohn's disease) that breast-fed children just don't get. These last for a lifetime.
2. Breast is easiest. Visualize a two AM feeding. Now, at one two-AM feeding, you have to go downstairs, get out the formula, find a bottle, clean a bottle (if your house is like mine), warm a bottle, hold the bottle while the baby eats, burb the baby, clean up where the baby spit up all over you because bottle-fed babies puke more, and finally, an hour later, go back to bed. Don't forget that the baby is screaming the whole time cause he has colic because you're bottle-feeding. At the other two-AM feeding, you get the baby out their crib, walk her to the bed, where your naked wife sleepily takes the baby in her arms and feeds her. The baby barely wakes up, and the mother barely wakes up, and you are back in bed in less than five minutes. You can then, 15 minutes later, return the baby to the crib if you must, but it's really not a big deal.
3. You will be denying income to some seriously evil corporations that do things like giving free samples of formula to third-world mothers, then letting the babies starve when the samples run out and the third-world people can't afford more.
4. Your pediatrician will thank you. (None of your other doctors will care, but your pediatrician will.)
5. Your wife will tend to lose baby weight much more quickly. Also, Breast-feeding produces a hormone that contracts muscles in the lower abdomen stretched by pregnancy. Short form - yum.
6. Did I mention that the pregnancy breasts stick around longer? Yum.
7. Breast milk is tasty, especially warm. yum.
8. Breast-milk comes in shapely, reusable containers.
9. Formula is *expensive*.

If it's so good, why don't more people do it?

1. In the 20's and 30's, it was stylish not to breast feed. Breast-feeding was considered low-class.
2. There was some serious hubris starting in the thirties that said that we could out-do nature and that breast milk was better for the baby. This is conclusively disproved.
3. Silly victorian body modesty.
4. Grandma bottle-fed, and is libel to be offended if you tell her that what she did wasn't best. People get seriously offended about this. Tell 'em to go to hell.
5. Did I mention that the formula companies spend a lot on advertising? Seriously, when you go the hospital, even if you're breast-feeding, you will be baraged with promotional junk provided by the formula companies. If you do not have a good pediatrician, you will get it there too.
6. Formula is free at first. Kind of like cocaine.
7. Breast-feeding *hurts* for the first week or so. This can't be denied. Trust me: it does get better.

Anyway, there's my rant. This is based on four children worth of experience, breast and bottle fed.