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The Buttocks Have It
An anonymous reader writes "From this ZDNET article: Future hijackers may find that their
buttocks betray them, if UK defense firm Qinetiq has its way. The company has developed a smart chair stashed with a thicket of seat sensors, according to New
Scientist magazine this week. The same seats could also be used to warn cabin staff of illness among the passengers, potentially alleviating the risk of deep vein thrombosis or DVT."
Hopefully this technology will allow me to find that inconsiderate bastard that keeps farting near me on international flights.
[1] Except United in "economy plus" and most American planes, though AA is reducing room again on some flights. Fuckers.
sulli
RTFJ.
The battle against terrorism has taken a new turn, exploting the Nervous AsS Syndrom (a.k.a. NASS).
"Excuse me sir, the computer is telling me you might need a hemorrhoid cushion?"
-j
the mos ASSinine thing I have ever heard.
:p
Ok, so I can;t spel.
used to warn cabin staff of illness among the passengers
What I'd like to know is how in the world will they be able to differentiate true illness from mere consequences of eating airline food)?
"Excuse me, sir, our in-seat rectal analizers have found that you are ill. Would you like some asistance?"
Sensors which detect seat movement. Now that's definitely a solution looking desperately for a problem.
What is their privacy policy? How do I know they won't sell the info to Jenny Craig?
So what are they going to do when they suspect DVT in a passenger? Bump them to first class?
Guess who's gonna be fidgeting nonstop on my next flight...
-j
You can always count on the airline industry! Just in case first-time fliers weren't scared enough, they now need to be worried about being jumped because they're acting scared.
Future additions may include temperature and moisture sensors to increase the accuracy of remote diagnosis of problems, and as part of a drive to make the aircraft's environment react intelligently to the needs of the passenger.
Considering some of the flights that I've been on, I could just imagine what would happen with these "future additions" in case the plane hits an air pocket & drops a few hundred feet...
"Oh my gosh! According to the seat sensors, we have about 50 terrorists on board!"
"Nah...they just all pissed their pants after that last air pocket. Grab some TP and follow me..."
Actually...you guys have it _really_ bad in the U.S. I have flown internationally quite a bit...and usually I go QANTUS or Air NewZealand or something like that. The economy class of those two is actually pretty good...two seats on either side, three in the middle...it's not as good a business class, but it's quite comfortable...even on a 13 hr flight. However, a couple of years ago I had the misfortune of flying United Airways...I flew first in Business, then economy on the way back (they only had one business seat left and I was travelling with the CEO of the company...hmmmmm, wonder who got it? ;) )...Business class was about as comfortable as QANTAS/Air NZ economy...except you got a little tv (yeah, thanks for that...I can watch seinfeld while I'm writhing in agony)...and economy class...I couldn't believe it...I fully did a double take when I walked in...it was like 10 seats across or something..people were nearly sitting on top of each other, and there was absolutely no room in the isles. Luck I was sitting up the back, in the only 2 seat section, next to a particularly beautiful canadian woman which made the flight 'semi' bearable. If that is what you guys consider good (note your above comment on united)...then you guys really have to fly different airlines. I will _never_ fly united again. And the stewardess was a b*tch...like I was sub human because I was in economy. United is the only U.S. airline I have flown...perhaps someone would like to comment...are the U.S. airlines like this?
Great. In those old sci-fi flicks, they used to kill the guy, pull the eye out of his socket, and use it to bypass the retinal scanners. Now, it's:
"This is Agent 003. The president is dead. I repeat, the president is dead, and they've taken his buttocks. Get the security system changed. Now."
"We can't do it, sir! A virus is blocking our entry into the system!"
"Goddammit, I want every man on the streets looking for that ass!"
Libertarians somehow believe that private businesses should be stronger than governments but weaker than individuals.
...because I'm wearing tin foil underwear. Looks who's laughing now!
Outdoor digital photography, mostly in New Engl
I echo your sentiment about the legroom... though that in itself might not prevent DVT. In fact, I could see it increasing your risk (more comfortable seat = you stay in it longer = more venous stasis). The way help avoid a DVT is to unbuckle your seatbelt, and move about the cabin... You have to walk a bit, maybe do some knee bends (pretend you're looking for something under your seat if you're concerned about other passengers looking at you funny). I would even consider taking an asprin before a long trip. That single asprin (avg dose 325mg) will "thin" your blood by inhibiting your platelets... irreversibly, I might add. Don't worry... you'll replace those platelets with normal ones over time, assuming you take no more asprin, but it will take you a week or so. Ever wonder why surgeons ask you to stop taking asprin for two weeks before any elective surgery? That's why.
DVTs come from a couple of factors; venous stasis (blood pooling in your veins) is only one. The others are injury (getting kicked in the leg), and any sort of hypercoagulable state... ie. your blood clots more readily than normal. This last category is large, and includes pregnancy, birth control pills, smoking, cancer, genetic problems, etc, etc.
I took one trip that lasted almost 30 hours (20 hours+ of pure flying time)... inbetween sleeping and eating, I got up and walked the length of the airplane any number of times. Not only does it let you get the kinks out and stretch, but it also helps prevent DVTs, and their lethal sequela, the feared pulmonary embolus (PE).
A big PE (so-called "saddle embolus") will turn you out like a light. A large enough clot blocks your blood flow to the lungs, effectively dropping your cardiac output to zero. That, as you might imagine, is rapidly fatal... so rapidly fatal in fact that I've had people have huge PE's right in front of me and die, right there... nothing we could do for them (diagnosis made on autopsy). PEs are one of the major contributors in sudden death cases, though that's gotten a bit better with proper diagnosis and treatment.
While PEs are a problem, they used to be a bigger problem. Years ago, if you broke a hip, you were on bedrest for 6-8 weeks until it healed (these days, whenever possible, aggressive surgical repair and early ambulation are the rule). In retrospect, the bed rest was a bad idea; those folks were dying left and right of pulmonary emboli... thank god for medical progress.
Even if a man chops off your hand with a sword, you still have two nice, sharp bones to stick in his eyes.
The last 4 flights I was on the headphone jack and/or the channel/volume selecter was broken.
I wonder how long it will be before these things break. Or even better, when they develop an intermittent short like the headphone jack did the last time. Seat 42 is a terrorist! oh maybe not... oh he is! oh maybe not...
How about a low tech solution? Put a f*cking steel door up between the pilots and the passangers and stop harrassing the 99.999999999999% of passangers who are law-abiding.
Sorry... I fly a lot and it keeps getting worse and worse.
Come play free flash games on Kongregate!
This is a revolting privacy violation. Talk about the government crawling up your ass.
(Excerpts from the prosecution testimony submitted to the court by Northwest Airlines Smart Seat #423aY9)
Lightning fast calculations conducted by my WinCE Special Edition Ass Patriot software came up showing POSITIVE in multiple categories for a BGI (Butt Guilt Indicator) value of .00457, or a full .00257 above the standard benchmarks for PI (Posterior Innocence).
Without hesitation I silently activated the vibra-alert pager of Senior Chief Air Attendant Kitty M., who, according to protocol, approached the owner of the buttocks in a nonchalant, oblique manner with the offer of a bag of complimentary Freedom Nuts (unsalted).
The peanuts were accepted and, judging from my continuous real-time nether feed, consumed in two large gulps. At 13:59h, rumbling ensued. At 14:01h, I registered a seismic event that I would rather not discuss. By 14:02h, airline security had been alerted and at 14:06h three agents boarded the plane cleverly disguised as a troupe of disgraced former Citigroup executives. Slyly, they engaged in covert-ops conversation, as follows:
Agent #1: Beautiful part is, I'm spending more time with Gale and the kids.
Agent #2: Golden. Mind if I run with that tip?
Agent #3: Ha ha ha. The best tips are the ones that help society to be more productive and honest!
At 14:10h, the suspect was seized, hooded, cuffed, pinned, tagged, numbered, bagged, and escorted from the plane in accordance with the Zero Tolerance for Terrorist Tushes Act passed last term by Congress.
It is the considered opinion of this chair that the buttocks in question presented a substantial and credible threat to the safety of the passengers and crew, and should be dealt with in the harshest fashion, up to and including electrocution. Nor is this chair displeased to report that the On Call passenger who claimed the terrorist's seat turned out to be a 22-year old aerobics instructor from Cincinnati who spent the flight reading fellatio tips in the latest Cosmopolitan. And squirming ever so nicely. Ain't freedom sweet?
I'm a physician... my training and board-certification are in emergency medicine, hence my experience with critically-ill people. Everyone dies sometime, and to be perfectly honest with you, I'm not sure that we have as much to say about it as we think we do...
/. (Davak UID#526912 is an internal medicine specialist)... there's also a smattering of paramedics and EMTs who also post here from time to time.
But anyway, I'm not the only doc who posts on
That's one of the things I love about slashdot, penis birds and goatse.cx trolls aside.
Even if a man chops off your hand with a sword, you still have two nice, sharp bones to stick in his eyes.