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The Introvert Advantage
Most people don't understand what introversion is. I certainly didn't, despite delusions to the contrary. The book begins by explaining what being an "innie" is all about, using a light conversational tone and experiences from the (introverted) author's life. A number of misconceptions are examined and dispelled. For example, introversion is not shyness or a lack of social skills. It's temperament, hard wired in your genetic code, and cannot be altered. To give some flavor to the remarks, examples of introverts from fiction and real life (e.g. Abraham Lincoln, Michael Jordan, Steve Martin) are listed.
The book includes what has to be one of the weakest personality tests ever devised. The goal is to determine if you're an introvert, but it appears that most responsible adults qualify. Some of my clearly extroverted friends got nearly the same scores as introverts. Skip it.
That test aside, the author does an excellent job of reducing the difference between introverts and extroverts to one of energy levels. Extroverts have more energy -- and recharge by being around large groups of other people, while introverts have less, and recharge by being alone or with a very small group of close friends. The very things that energize "outies" will drain "innies," leading to the "party pooper" perception.
One of the strongest parts of the book is a discussion of the physiology of introversion. Differences in the dominance of sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems (the "fight or flight" and "throttle down" feedback systems) explain why introverts tend to go through the day at a lower energy level than extroverts. Introverts tend to be less vocal and more "blank", especially when mixed into groups of active extroverts.
The discussion of brain chemistry is equally fascinating: introverts use different neurochemicals for memory, which is why it can take some time (and perhaps REM sleep) for information to fully settle and process. Hence the tendency for great ideas to occur during the morning shower. The chemical mix also explains why the sorts of events that stimulate extroverts can quickly over-stimulate and wear out introverts.
Dealing with Extroverts The second part of the book is about dealing with significant others, children, and co-workers. The first chapter has sections on different relationship pairings (introvert male with extrovert female, introvert female with extrovert male, introvert with introvert). These are insightful and, frankly, would have saved me some grief had I read them a number of years ago. The author gives specific tips for improving communication and understanding in each situation.The chapter on parenting gives tips on identifying introverted children and coping with them. This will be more useful for an extroverted parent, who perhaps doesn't understand why sitting quietly and reading has such a strong appeal. The chapter also has tips for introverted parents with extroverted kids, who need a little more outward show than the parents are perhaps used to giving.
A section on socializing and small talk is in this section, but such things have been covered more extensively in books on overcoming shyness.
Introverts and extroverts often rub up against one another in the workplace. In the last chapter in this section, the author raises a number of issues and suggests ways to cope with them. For example, introverts tend to immerse themselves in a particular project, and like to work without interruption for extended periods. Intrusions disrupt concentration, and regaining it takes time and energy. Extroverts enjoy the occasional interruption, because it gives them an energizing break and avoids monotony. Both sides expect the other to feel the same way, so extroverts interrupt others with quick questions (which annoys the introvert), and introverts try to avoid interrupting others (which makes extroverts see introverts as aloof). The chapter also discusses participation in meetings, giving presentations, and just dealing with people who "interface" differently.
There are other books on relationships, parenting, and on dealing effectively with others in the workplace. This is not the book that puts all others to shame, but if you're an introvert it covers the essentials.
Living in an Extroverted World The last part of the book discusses strategies for living in a world dominated by extroverts. How to manage your time, schedule your life in a way that won't cause overstimulation, how to re-energize through aromatherapy. There is some good advice here, but nothing really new or insightful.The author points out that 75% of people are extroverts, and suggests that might explain why the quick-thinking life of the party is idealized. Introverts often have self-esteem problems because they can't be what most of the world wants them to be. The point of this book is to teach introverts why they are the way they are, to show them which aspects of their personality are immutable and which can be changed, and most of all to show that that there is nothing about introversion that requires making excuses.
Much of the value of this book is in the first third, where the psychology and physiology of introversion are treated as an integral whole. Discovering that personality quirks and the desire to ask "how long are we planning to stay at the party" are normal and expected behaviors is liberating. (I'll be launching the Introvert Liberation Front shortly.) The later sections range from "just okay" to very good, but even if you've seen such before it's worthwhile to get a different perspective. Other books -- many of which are listed in the bibliography -- have covered these topics with greater depth or breadth, but the focus on looking at life from an introvert's perspective separates this from most of them.
I highly recommend this book to introverts or to extroverts with an introvert in their life. (If you work in high tech, you're probably one or the other.)
You can purchase The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World from bn.com. There is also a web site for the book, with merchandise, downloadable pamphlets, and discussion forums. Slashdot welcomes readers' book reviews -- to see your own review here, read the book review guidelines, then visit the submission page.
No, that's just being an arrogant ass.
Based on: "Dealing with Extroverts The second part of the book is about dealing with significant others, children, and co-workers. The first chapter has sections on different relationship pairings (introvert male with extrovert female, introvert female with extrovert male, introvert with introvert)."
If you are an opinionated introvert try to CHOOSE a significant other WHO IS also an introvert or at least have a backbone.
I know I'm hanging on every word you have to say. Calling everybody else stupid isn't a sign of introversion, it is a sign of arrogance.
deserve's got nothing to do with it...
Introverts often have self-esteem problems because they can't be what most of the world wants them to be.
In my experience low self esteem often occurs because someone cant be what they think the rest of the world wants them to be. Personally I always find this strange because I'm pretty sure the rest of world does not give a shit about me so I dont really care what the world thinks anyway.
The point of this book is to teach introverts why they are the way they are, to show them which aspects of their personality are immutable and which can be changed, and most of all to show that that there is nothing about introversion that requires making excuses.
Is personality, or certain personality traits immutable? I would have thought that with the right stimulation it would be highly mutable. Thats ignoring the fact that we are intelligent enought to recognise our own patterns of behaviour and can suppress our natural instincts if we make that choice.
Do not try to read the dupe, thats impossible. Instead, only try to realize the truth
What truth?
There is no dupe
...right about here:
. It's temperament, hard wired in your genetic code, and cannot be altered.
That's taking determinism a bit too far, I think. Genetic, perhaps -- but unalterable? Personality is not as incorrigible as that. There's no reason to assume that introversion is a defect or that it must be reversed, but claiming that it's inherently unalterable is just absurd.
Introverts need to learn a little extroversion just to get along in life. Human beings are social creatures, and generally speaking, two heads are always better than one when solving problems. One doesn't need to make a lifestyle out of it, but IMO the sooner an introvert learns some of the basic "tricks" of reaching out to others, the better.
The whole idea of splitting people into categories like this is really stupid. Hopefully, 100 years from now people will recognize that this is as ridiculous as phrenology (i.e. measuring bumps on your head to determine personality traits) is recognized to be today.
All is Number -Pythagoras.
mutter mutter pop psychology bull crap mutter mutter.
If we're going to discuss the subject, I should point out that most of these psychological scale type thingies measure introversion-extroversion in two arenas: problem solving and personality. I'm very much an extrovert, in terms of my personality, but I'm an introverted problem solver.
Both of these characteristics have changed over time, so I don't see how it's so interesting.
I think these things say only slightly more about me than my astrological sign. I get the feeling that many of these pop psychology categorizer folks believe in astrology, too, though, so... at least there's one thing we can all agree on.
I'm not sure if that came out right. Anyway, it's hooey.
There are no trails. There are no trees out here.
because I'd be interested to see the support for your hypothesis
There are places where the networks are not touching,and there are places where they are-Boeing's Lori Gunter
and take some anti-anxiety pills
Introversion != Social Anxiety
The former is, as described in the article, a temperment issue. Introverts tend to enjoy being alone or with a few close friends. Extroverts tend to find this boring. Extroverts tend to enjoy interacting with large groups of strangers. Introverts tend to find this tiresome.
Social anxiety is a paralyzing fear of social interaction caused by brain chemistry. People with SA are usually unhappy because they want social interaction but can't handle it, while introverts can handle social interaction but don't want to.
A legparnasom tele van angolnaval.
Unfortunately, it's also made me a lot of enemies out of people who think that geeks should not be so extroverted...
I don't mean the following to sound harsh, but this behavior is typical of introverts.
The reason it annoys people is because you're not being extroverted, you're just seeking attention. An extrovert enjoys making *social* connections to people. You're not connecting with people; you're just hoping they will notice you as a substitute for a true connection.
A similar thing that introverts due (and geeks are notorious for) is replacing true conversation with being a walking encyclopia. Someone talks about the weather, and the geek goes on to explain strato cumulous clouds. It's not a conversation, it's a plea for attention. "Aren't I clever that I understand clouds".
Sometimes it's best to just let stupid people be stupid.
Sharon Stone is a very smart woman... your point is?
She's the type of person they love to criticize. I've heard tons of people equate her to the dumb blonde persona, especially in the geek circle. I don't know how many times I've heard geeks go off about their intellectual superiority when they are just plain idiots.
Anybody who can't figure out it's a good idea to shower and brush their teeth isn't that smart.
Dacels Jewelers can't be trusted.
This subject is not crap, and such allegations and biases against those who are seriously introverted, are why such books as this need to be published. Said biases are not intentional but do exist. In my own experience, I've seen idiotic extroverts get promoted over very intelligent and much more capable introverts. The Extroverts do a much better job of kissing up (even if they aren't doing it on purpose) than the Introverts do.
The managers look and see the Extro constantly working with others and thinks, "gee that person may be PHB material." Meanwhile it's the Introvert who has been noted to grumble when interrupted (thus obviously not a team player,) who actually gets most of the real work done.
Granted this is by no means an absolute, but I've seen it. It's even happened to me, not quite the scenario describe above but close enough.
I'm too lazy to compose a creative sig.
I agree with the latter, but not the former. Not sure if you're trying to be funny. Some may choose to "act" one way or the other, but for some people it's quite painful to "act" extroverted. I can't stand smalltalk and trying to mingle with strangers, it's so freakin' boring. Sometimes I actually get pleasure out of sitting quietly and thinking about solving problems, or philosophy, or something like that. That ain't by choice.
it's not a choice.
I'm an introvert. people bore me. I'd much rather sit here and work on my code instead of talk to other people about what I'm doing. I get energy from thinking about what I'm doing and from within myself. I don't NEED other people to energize me. I feel that this is a superior way to live, in fact, because I've been very alone before and I survived it. An extrovert would go stir-crazy and do things that might not be the best for them just to avoid being alone. Not needing others, but only having them in your life when you want them in it, helps prevent being taken advantage of by people who prey on others.
Oh, and if you're wondering, I'm getting married in November to another introvert, so it's not impossible for dregs like us to have what the holy extroverts have.
Geeks tend to realize that those shows are devoid of any intellect and have no bearing on Real Life(tm). If they entertain, more power to you, but prattling on continuously tends to irritate me because I find no joy in the discussion or desire to continue it. The irritation then increases as I realize I am trapped in a lame time sink so the person is ignored until they get the hint or I stab them. Hence, I am "anti-social" or "introverted".
To take another path, one of pretension, let's talk about being a higher breed. Most would agree that the /. zombies have a higher group intellect than the average person watching American Idol. Now, if you are in my camp, you tend to believe genetics have a higher influence than enviroment. True, better fertilizer can make a better plant, but there will be no plant if you don't have a seed to begin with.
So, if we, as a /. zombie genetic pool, are bred seperatly for 200 years (ignoring the inbreeding due to only one female), would our progeny not be much better mentally than the progeny of the drooling masses?
If you'll forgive me, that sounds like something an extrovert would say. I'm a very strongly expressed introvert according to several typing schemes. However, I'm not shy in the least. I speak publicly on a regular basis, attend events and discuss my work with groups of people and have even been called charming from time to time.
But there is no doubt that I find any time that I do not spend alone to be exhausting to some extent or another. I can't sustain intense "people activity" for more than a few days before I start to lose the amiable charm and exchange it for very terse grumpiness or formal pedantry.
I don't care to be around other people all that much. Not that I dislike them or want to avoid them... but in general, people (apart from my significant other and perhaps one or two friends) don't contribute much to my moods.
But one of the things most introverts are familiar with are the endless stream of well-meaning people trying to get you "out and about" and "with people" and "living life" in some sort of party atmosphere because they're sure you're unhappy developing film for hours on end or hiking alone through wooded areas. I can't tell you how many times I've been told "I'd go crazy if I spent as much time alone as you!"
And then of course you try to explain that you are an introvert and you get (more or less like you just said): "Bah! It's all nonsense. You just don't know how fun life can be! Come to this dinner party tonight and you'll have a great time, I promise!"
So you go, you smile, you talk, and you gain nothing from it and feel quite exhausted by the end of the night, longing to get back to your darkroom... And of course as you leave, your well-meaning friend says "See, now, wasn't that fun!? You made quite a splash. And I hear you've been invited to..."
It's a fundamental disconnect that people don't understand unless they've felt it. When most people are having fun, my mind and indeed my heart are elsewhere. Conversely, when I'm having fun, people aren't generally around. If they are, I can rarely share my joy because they tend to think (no matter how I try to explain it) that I must be depressed if I can find such quiet, plodding, un-chatty things to be any fun.
STOP . AMERICA . NOW
I think that perhaps, due to a difference in termperment, that you have sorely mis-interpreted the motivation of most geeks. I'm not saying that someone labeled as "geek" such as myself don't enjoy positive attention every once in a while. However, just because the only reason that YOU might explain something is because YOU would want attention doesn't mean that's the way a geek's mind works. A geek might quite innocently think that others share their fascination, and have no idea that it would be boring to others. You really need to quit projecting your own personality onto others, and learn to understand people on their terms. For a person who devotes their entire lives to the understanding of ideas, it may be extremely difficult to understand that others do not appreciate their insights.
I disagree - Many introverts see conversation as a medium for exchanging information. When a "geek" explains what he/she knows about a current topic, they are doing several things:
Most introverts could care less about the attention, (we'll skip the obligatory Maslow's Hierarchy comment) and will often keep silent regarding a topic to avoid drawing attention to themselves. Indeed, many introverts find that "being clever" is the best way to attract the ire of those around them. Many introverts find conversation to be of less interest unless the energy expended to talk to a person garners something in return... like new information or trivia. (Introverted conversations often start "Did you know that....".)
Let's remember that there are reasons to have a conversation that don't involve "social connections" of the extroverted ilk. Introverts communicate differently and for different reasons.
Not that most reasonably intelligent introverts could stand a typical "how's the weather" small talk for very long. The thing is you always have to know your strenghts and play on those in a way that gets you connected to people. Many geeky types are very good listeners and do know how to ask questions that can get people to think about something in a different way.
The ability to stimulate someone else's mind in the way that they can stimulate their own is an incredibly useful skill. This also far more useful than simply trying to emulate the typical conversations extrovert-types engage in with each other and only end up being frustrated.
The two things to remember are empathy and practice.
___
Cogito cogito, ergo cogito sum.
I don't know what you consider "true conversation" but I think we have a difference of opinion here. I can't stand sitting around and talking about the weather for half an hour. It's just social lubricant for situations where people have nothing in common but are forced to interact.
You can't be in close proximity to people in most enviroments without talking or the situation feels awkward and uncomfortable. So you talk about the weather. But after a short time, there's nothing more to say and without conversation, here comes the awkward silence. Talking about cloud types or pressure systems or whatnot will at least extend the conversation and might even lead to another topic. Calling this behavior a plea for attention is absurd.
Talk about what you're interested in and sooner or later you'll find other people with similar interests. Talk about the weather all the time and you'll find people with nothing interesting to say and nothing in common with you.
Introverted computer geeks love to assume that they are smarter than folks who enjoy American Idol and other shows. A higher breed, or something.
Not just introverts. Pretty much anyone who doesn't watch those shows assumes that those who do are "stupid" in some difficult (not textbook IQ) to define way. Do you think that the only people who think those shows are "stupid" are introverts? Most prime time television is designed for those who like to check their brains at the door. I doubt if you are immune to these assumptions. There must be some shows that would lower your opinion of the viewer if you saw them watching it.
Quite an experience to live in fear, isn't it? That's what it is to be a slave.
Such choices are not really possible. An earlier post states the introvert's position quite clearly. You are probably an extrovert who used to be shy and not an introvert at all. An introvert is usually considered to be a person who *prefers* to not be with lots of people, who regards social situations as chores not as fun.
Do we still like girls? Yes. Can we get them. Certainly, and very attractive ones if we are attractive ourselves. The ideal life of an extrovert is to have very few, but highly valued human relationships. An SO, and maybe a couple of good friends.
I have asked extroverts why they felt the need to have so many friends and why they choose to spend almost all of their time in groups. Their answers have never satisfied me. I just don't really understand them and they don't understand me.
Quite an experience to live in fear, isn't it? That's what it is to be a slave.
So, what the heck would I talk about with people? All their favorite conversational topics are non-starters with me (sex, right-wing politics, sports, television). I talk about my work and their eyes glaze over. I mention anime and they give me this "yeah, ok, great" look. As if their sitcoms were adult fare... We have nothing in common.
I hear this a lot from nerds, and the answer often surprises them. Ask questions. If someone really wants to hear about your job or you hobbies, they'll ask. If they don't ask, don't tell them. Instead, ask them what they do, and what their hobbies are. You can have hours and hours of conversation simply by asking a series of questions. For example... "Have you taken any vacations recently?" will usually yield a positive response... then you can ask them where they went, what was it like. It may not be interesting, but it chances are it will be entertaining and you'll learn something. And people love talking about themselves. Give it a shot.
Sweepingly calling the behavior a "plea for attention" is a bit off the mark... Alas, the extroverts simply get confused most of the time and inside are wondering who is running the football pool this week.
Well, you started off great, but also ended with a sweeping generalization. Introvert does not imply smart, and extrovert does not imply dumb.
I don't know about the rest of you, but half an hour of casual conversation can be a hard mental workout. It's almost like a game of chess - testing sentences, looking ahead for the reaction, backtracking.
I agree. I find 'casual' conversation very difficult, but if the conversation turns to more of a discussion, where different ideas are presented and debated, I find it much easier. Many people accuse me of being 'combative' because of this. They do not realize that I am not out to "win" the debate, but merely discuss different viewpoints and expand my thinking.
Introversion vs. extroversion is not a matter of verbal abilities. In my opinion, it's more a matter of one lives in a world of ideas, while the other lives in a world of people. Online use of verbal skills to play with complex ideas is thus exactly the kind of thing an introvert would do, whereas the extrovert would become bored with the "cold dry flat text" of a board like Slashdot and either go to something more interactive like IRC where he can feel like he's interacting with other people, or go do something with his friends.
Send mail here if you want to reach me.
Broken social skills? Thats a pretty rash opinion. So what if I only want to have conversations with people who will exchange what i consider intelligent ideas, thoughts and humor. Thats the type of conversation that energizes me. Small talk and conversations filled with endless jokes wear me out. But I dont think I have broken social skills. I can connect very well with certain types of people, where as I just couldnt develop a relationship with others. And I am sure they feel the same way. Its how the social world works. To say someone is wrong because they enjoy one type of interaction, IMHO, is to have broken social skills.
How strange it is to be anything at all
I believe this borders on the I vs F issue. That is a thinker vs a feeler. Silly inane nonsense conversation builds a rapport that will satisfy the extroverts/feelers need for building social bonds.
An extroverted/thinker my be more likely to push into serious topics. While this may engage the introverted/thinker, an extroverted/feeler may feel violated or exploited by bringing up serious issues in "casual" conversation.
-------- -------- Support Wesley Clark for president!!!
I wonder how much of this is influenced by the environment. For example, in Europe, towns are convenient for pedestrians. Buildings are close together, roads are narrow, parks and trains are common, and people can meet eachother on the street. Socializing is convenient there, so Europeans know there will be plenty of good social events. In USA, buildings are far apart, lawns are big, roads are wide and parks and trains are seldom. Thus pedestrians are trapped; you need a car to get around. Socializing is inconvenient here, so Americans look forward to when they can get home and do their own thing. If either group spends all their time on their own continent, they may come to think that their lifestyle is the only one.
I could fit into either description. For example, I can plow through a thick book in a few days and get annoyed when anyone interrupts me, but when I went to an anime convention last weekend I avoided anything I could do at home (watch anime, play games) and spent as much time as possible at social events, such as the opening ceremonies, cosplay runway, production panel, and Q&A. At that con, I felt energized by meeting people, and anxious outside of group events. I spend most of my free time alone on the web, but I often read about socially-reinforcing things like New-Urbanist neighbourhoods, and look forward to visiting one. I suspect most people have a mix of introvert and extrovert preferences, and I'd like to read about the environmental factors that cause each.
Exactly one of the things that has started to bug me more than a little bit. Honestly I love to duel, and a good argument is well worth the time (even if I were on a lawyer's salary :). But... a duel is give-and-take, and is no fun in a one-sided romp (I don't verbally mug people for fun) - or worse, when somebody feigns knowledge but instead simply expounds on his theory and clearly never thinks about anything I've said - a "monologue", as you put it. I'm definitely an introvert, and I've worked hard to see the difference between steamrolling monologue, a conversation, and attention-grabbing dumbness (yes, I've done all three. I'm learning, slowly and painfully.) And nothing bugs me more than to have to watch one of my friends (introverts, mostly) come over and drop a bomb on a conversation I've worked hard to enter.
Advice to anyone trying to keep a conversation moving: ask questions. Not trying to poke holes in the other person, but genuinely trying to develop enough background to have a conversation on a topic that YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT! An important distinction: I'm sick of hearing a few certain people talk, because any conversation with those people invariably devloves into one of their lectures on one of the things they happen to be very good at. (Opinions on how Akira Kurisowa founded the entire "Western" american film genre and how modern anime is superior to modern Hollywood films are interesting the first time, redundant the second time, and downright offensive the twentieth - especially when every comment I make is dismissed with "you haven't watched enough anime"!)
Conversation vs. Monologue. Downright insightful. *Tips hat to drooling-dog*
A witty [sig] proves nothing. --Voltaire