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Where is the Any Key?
ricembr noted that compaq has finally provided a FAQ to the world to ask that long standing question where is the any key? Pray that this was added to the FAQ as a joke, and not in response to legitimate need ;)
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Any key? Where's the any key? I think I'll order a tab. *click* Oh, no time for that, time to work!
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Read the bloody thing! It was added in 2001!
not in response to legitimate need ;)
You've never worked in a call center before, have you?
I had a caller who borrowed the DSL installation disk from her friend and was trying to install "The Internet" on her DVD player.
Yes, this FAQ was needed. Desperately.
--saint
Oh, wow, they're right... there isn't any "any" key anywhere on my keyboard. I never noticed that - whenever I saw that message on my screen before, I just called my housecat who knows everything about computers and she jumped up on the keyboard and fixed it for me.
political_news.c: warning: comparison is always true due to limited range of data type
I have always considered "Press any key to continue" a bug for two reasons.
1) not any key will work (i.e Shift, Control etc.)
2) there is much easier answer.
The proper message is "Press a key to continue" because the worst they will do is press "a"
Taken from: http://home.ptd.net/~hjcotton/jokes/wptechsupport. htm
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Help line which was transcribed from recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations).
"Ridge Hall Computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappear."
"Hmmm. so what does you screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt of the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV."
"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know?"
"Well. then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of
it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is"
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach it."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No, why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power....... a power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and
manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take
it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too @#!%ing stupid to own a computer."
That's not a computer question. That question is of philosophical nature. Alternatively, a psychoterapist could ask it...
Answer:
Space bar: Penile complex (too short penis)
Ctrl: Control Freak.
Enter: Vaginal mania.
Tab: Just a drunkard.
Esc: Depression.
F1: Leadership maniac.
Backspace: Anal tendencies.
Del: Will for destruction.
Shift: Double personality
ctrl-alt-del: They are out to get you!
The Windows key: They already got you!
45 5F E1 04 22 CA 29 C4 93 3F 95 05 2B 79 2A B2
If anyone ever actually asks you that question it is vital to give the simplest answer possible. Compaq's FAQ answer is still "too complicated" and may cause the loss of your own sanity when they still get confused.
Better answer:
"Any key" is another name for the space bar.
At this point they will inevitably make a second second assault on your sanity. It is vital to be prepared for this devious one-two combo attack. The deady follow-up question is generally some varient of 'why', such as "why didn't they just say to press the space bar?" or "why isn't the spacebar propery labeled?"
No matter what the exact question is, the only safe answer is:
"I don't know."
If they keep asking about it just keep repeating "I don't know" until the psych-assault ends. Trying to give any other answer will result in severe pain and possible loss of sanity.
-
- - You can't take something off the Internet! That's like trying to take pee out of a swimming pool.
I have a Sun Type 6 (non-usb) keyboard that has the any key right betwen the help and the F1 keys. It's just above Esc.
Mind you it's a completely blank key that I have never found a use for so I wrote 'any' on it (figuring it must be the any key).
My other hypothesis is that this key has a tie-in to solaris and it monitors user gruntle level. As a user begins to lose their gruntles (and become disgruntled) they bash on the keyboard, tripping this key. Once a user reaches a certain level their account should be locked. Unfortunitly all of my sun training and years as admin never demonistrated how to incorporate this with the business plan. *sigh* I guess it's just the any key.
Wheeeee
How true!
A recent example...
Bank of America recently updated the software on their ATMs in Southern California. Now when you first put your card in, insted of asking for your PIN, it says something to the effect of (in all caps mind you):
"BANK OF AMERICA HAS RECENTLY UPDATED THIS ATM TO MAKE IT EASIER TO USE. SOME OF THE BUTTONS THAT YOU MAY BE USED TO PRESSING NOW ARE IN DIFFERENT LOCATIONS. PRESS ANY BUTTON TO CONTINUE."
So I go and press the biggest button on there, which happens to be the "cancel" button, and it spits out my card forcing me to start over again.