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Synthesized Singers
ctwxman writes "Over the past few decades, advances in computer hardware and software have eliminated many jobs... some technical, some menial, but none artistic. As an on-camera performer in television, I've always was believed that I was 'bulletproof' as far as replacement through technology was concerned. Not so fast. Recently, The Sinclair television stations began using 'central casting' to bring news and weather anchors from a central location (near Baltimore) to the local outlets. Still, real people are needed, just not as many. But now, even real performers may be replaced. The New York Times (inhalation of airplane glue required) reports on a new technology which allows synthesized singers to sing. Imagine having a singer with a world-class voice at your disposal, any hour of any day. She's just standing at the ready, game to perform whatever silly song you might make up for her: a ballad about her love for you, a tribute to your best friend's golf game, a stirring rendition of the evening's dinner menu. Scary."
nobody gives a shit what you say anyway.
Sacred cows make the best burgers.
You will need:
- a shitload of Silly Putty(tm)
- a human skeleton
- some wire
- a wig
- sunglasses
- a Brillo(tm) pad [optional]
1) First, get a human skeleton. Be sure the bones are free of flesh, gore, and carrion. The best way to do this is to boil the bones for two hours - but be sure to label the bones before you disassemble for boiling, otherwise it can be tricky to reassemble it.
2) Wire all the bones together so that the joints move freely. This step is important - even if the original ligaments are still holding the joints together, they will eventually rot away, so you'll need the wire in place to maintain the skeletal structure of your future love slave.
3) Cover the skeleton with silly putty. Mold and sculpt the sill putty until it looks like a hot, sexy, 22-year-old porn star. Don't forget to make a hole between the legs - this will be the "vagina," for those of you who surf Slashdot all the fucking time.
4) Add the wig on top of the head.
5) Put sunglasses on your doll. Human eyes are hard to emulate, so sunglasses will hide their absence. Also, the sunglasses confer a look of unruffled nonchalance, which will be essential for when you and your German shepard are double-teaming your plasticine playmate.
6) Fluff up the Brillo pad and press it into the flesh around the vagina to create pubic hair as desired. For the porn-friendly "landing strip" look, you will only need about 1/3 of the brillo pad. Pedophiles can skip this step entirely.
7) Voila! You can now lose your virginity and begin the only healthy sexual relationship you're ever likely to have. Enjoy!