Slashdot Mirror
Playing Games While Not Ruining Your Relationship?
Silicon Mike asks: "A nice sized group of us here at work recently picked up City of Heroes, and started playing together. While all of us were gamers to some extent, now we're all pretty addicted and want to play together online all the time. The problem some of us are running into is that our significant others aren't too happy with us gaming all the time. Other then the two obvious solutions (quit playing or dump the significant other) I'm wondering how other people have deal with it? I tried installing Zoo Tycoon on my other computer and saying 'Look honey, cute bears' but she just didn't bite."
Have you asked your wife/husband if they would like to play or join the group you are so involved with? If not that group, how about setting up a parallel group that plays the same game?
I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours. -- Hunter S. Thompson
The secret is to find something they like playing. It won't neccessarily be obvious either.
My wife turned her nose up at the cute fluffy games that I thought she would like. At first blush I thought perhaps computer games were not going to be something she would like. Then she saw me playing Quake3 Arena one day and has become quite adept at it.
Most importantly is to talk about your game playing habits. Find out why it is a problem for them. This will prevent countless hours of arguing and pouting (on both parts!).
If the problem is "just" because your chores are suffering, then the solution may be as easy as finishing your chores quicker; not finding a game for her so you can say "You play too!".
Video meliora proboque deteriora sequor - Ovidius
A little over a year ago, my wife and I had a baby. She takes up the majority of my time now, but my wife and I made an agreement that we'd each get one night a week to ourselves. I typically play EQ (yes still addicted after 4 and 1/2 years) on my night, and she plays Quake 3 on hers.
Even with other things: I hate doing laundry, and she hates to cook. So I cook and she does the laundry (mostly because I'm a much better cook though).
It is all about compromise, but as long as you can both come to an agreement that works it would be an issue.
-i
I used to dream of finding a girl who loved playing video games as much as I did. Ironically I have found myself in a healthy relationship with a girl who hates video games and I don't want it any other way. Slowly she has learned to respect my pastime as a way for me to escape, and slowly I have realized that the non-interactive nature of video games isn't as satisfying as a good conversation with someone. As a result I find myself not needing the video games like I once did and happy about it.
"I can not bring myself to believe that if knowledge presents danger, the solution is ignorance" - Isaac Asimov
Yeah, that's what I did. Met her on a MUD actually :P, and now we move on to MMO's and whatnot and are both nice and geeky.
:P
Ah yes...I believe normal people do things like take walks, for us it's "maybe we can fit another mission in before bedtime!"
I feel so pathetic...and yet wonderful.
So my suggestion to the slashdot crowd is to meet girls ON the games...but then...they aren't always girls
but this question is just sad. CHERISH AND APPRECIATE EVERY MOMENT with your significant other. He/She doesn't have to sit there and put up with your quirks and intricacies. They aren't required to deal with you ignoring them in favor of a video game. They aren't there to be there when its convenient for you. You will get much more out of a healthy, loving relationship than you ever will from a bunch of hours sunk uselessly into gaming. Seriously think about this question and you will realize the answer is "Holy shit, I'm actually weighing my life partner against a video game! how incredibly selfish self-centered and utterly shallow of me!"
Its no wonder geeks are lonely. They have no interpersonal skills. Not that I'm so much better, I really screwed up my last relationship via 'harmless' personal time to dawdle and hack together various computer bits, only realzing too late that I could have spent that time on picnics or walks through the park or taking in a good movie or discussing a book or learning something about my ex that I didn't know before.
I'll say it again: CHERISH AND APPRECIATE EVERY MOMENT with your significant other. They are choosing to be with you and if you continue to debase them by ignoring them for video games, you'll get what you deserve: a broken heart and a bunch of uncaring unfeeling pixels staring back at you in your emptiness.
Just get Animal Crossing for the Gamecube. It's the game to get if you have a female SO who doesn't play games, most women love it. It worked for me.
"Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door." - Emily Dickinson
It's very hard to create a game that allows very skilled players to play at the same time as very unskilled players. Any first-person shooter which easily allows for instant one-hit kills (such as Counter-Strike) causes very skilled players to dominate.
Heavily team-oriented games tend to lend themselves to this sort of balance: A large number (three or four) unskilled players can take down a skilled player with a decent plan (which can be easily derived by one of the most skilled players which is on the same team as the unskilled). Pretty much any one-on-one game (such as WarCraft III) does not lend itself to this sort of play, in spite of some attempts to balance through handicaps (Soul Calibur II is a good example of a game that attempts to balance through a handicap, and fails [for extreme circumstances]).
Sigs are like bumper stickers.
I'd like to see a vote on how many guys here have encountered that double-standard. I get in trouble if I look bored when hearing about something boring, but I get a bored look if I try to talk about my latest Genossian Lab raid in SWG.
Not here. Not w/my wife. (Man, she's awesome!)
We both have needs for time alone. We both get it by acknowledging this need.
I'm *required* to pay attention to her when she's talking to me about "relevant" (kids, money, etc) things, and she's *required* to listen to me when I want to talk about 'relevant' things (software, client conversations and contracts, etc)
Everything else is fair game for the axe. As in - "I'm sorry, but I'm really not interested in this right now" or "Do you mind if I (X/Y/Z) right now?".
Your choices extend beyond Games/GF.
How about telling her your concerns? Rather than say "Jesus, chick, you b0r3z me!", try "A conversation is a 2-say activity, and I find it difficult to engage in this conversation because I don't feel you are interested in what I have to say".
Interestingly enough, I find that I DO find my wife's interests far more interesting when I feel she's interested in mine. You may find that she really IS interested, and that you are just assuming she isn't!
Other than that, another good piece of advice is to NEVER, NEVER, NEVER allow for insults. Just don't do it. Never "bitch! / asshole!". Rather, say "I feel the urge to call you a bitch because NNNNN"
This leads to a solution, rather than exacerbating the miscommunication. Sounds crazy and "shrink-ish" but in my case, these attempts at more direct and meaningful communication have worked amazingly well.
It does take time - lots of it, and for me, it's well worth it!
I have no problem with your religion until you decide it's reason to deprive others of the truth.
i find it extremely funny that most of the posts, in fact, all of the ones i've read, come from the gamers, an none -- from the significant others the posts refer to
you will probably say that that's because SO's aren't geeks and don't read slashdot
well, you might be right, however then you're implying that the concepts of "geek" and "gamer" are being equated
can i not be a geek if i am not a gamer?
but, i'm getting slightly off topic...
i am that significant other who had to deal with the boyfriend-gamer...we went through many stages in our relationship (with respect to videogames): when i did not care at first, when it went way over the limits because every possible free-from-classes-and-work moment was dedicated to gaming, when we were on the edge of breaking up, when he stopped playing completely because he was afraid of ruining the relationship (i guess), to me pre-ordering Half Life 2 for his birthday
i don't know if i am ready to deal with the gaming issue completely: i don't care right now, but maybe i will later
i am afraid it will get out-of-hand as it once did
my major issue with gaming is how unreal and impersonal it seems to be...the most i could ever handle playing is tetris, for about 10 minutes, and then i would just get sick of it
and because i value personal interactions so much, i get very upset when my SO does not seem to do that as much as i do
i have high standards, and he knows about it
so, i was very glad that there are still gamers who, through getting to know their SOs better, start to value personal interactions over the "unreal" ones
It's very hard to create a game that allows very skilled players to play at the same time as very unskilled players.
... Play it without sound, with your favourite mp3s playing in the background. Great fun :)
Co-operative play is what's missing, that's all. When the skilled player can help the unskilled player, all's fine and dandy. For me, I've spent countless hours playing Bubble Bobble with my girlfriend - the funny thing about this being that she introduced me to it (years ago I mentioned that I'd found this great thing called MAME that emulates old arcardes, and her first question was whether I could find a copy of bubble bobble). She was brilliant at it (she'd got through all 100 levels when she was much younger) but since the two player mode is co-operative it was easy for me to learn it and become good at it too.
Actually, Bubble Bobble's a great game for significant others to play - the graphics are cute (if old), the game is non-violent and the gameplay is probably some of the best ever created - even today it is challenging, fast and continuously interesting, especially as you progress through the levels.
For those who are interested, the rom's called bublbobr.zip IIRC
there are some girls, me among them, that do enjoy a rousing game of command and conquer. i also had a level 40ish necromancer back in the day. i've got two full gaming workstations on my lan at home (which i built, thank you)--me and my SO play against 5 or 6 brutals til the wee hours of the morn. we find this much more entertaining than watching TV....nothing like destruction to get the blood circulating ;)
Hey, here is a good solution to gaming in college. During the term, you promise your girlfriend no gaming and your free time, that way your studies and your relationships blossom, then during the summer you get it all out of your system with all your free time. Its worked for 3 summers now at MIT and our relationship is great... plus my gpa doesn't suffer. Goodluck and good gaming
I solved this issue with my wife by being sneaky. I left out my gba sp with a certain game in it that happens to rhyme with hokemon. She is now so hooked, that I had to buy myself a new gba sp and am looking into getting a gc with coliseum on it.
Thing is, she is into horses. I do not ride - something about two bad experiences with horses. Therefore, normally I get to sit and watch her ride; watch the horse eat grass, etc... I just game then. I helped the owners hook up WIFI (with WPA thank you very much) all over their land. You can pick up a signal any were. Therefore, I do my gaming in the middle of a grass pasture watching a horse eat grass.
If you get a woman that wants all of you free time and will not give you any 'useless' gaming time, you need to sit her down and talk with her. It is your hobby. Point out her 'useless' hobbies that she drags you along on. Be honest but fair with her. If she still throws a fit, I would guess it would be time to start shopping for a new one.
In God we trust, all others require data.
Well, even not just for playing with one's family. Some of us actually _like_ cooperative play far more than all-out cut-throat shoot-in-the-back competition. Not just to appease the SO or whatever, but just for what it is.
As someone else put it: if I thought all-out cut-throat back-stabbing competition was fun, I'd have went to business school.
As early as the text-based MUD's it was known that you basically get 4 types of players:
- socializers (like to talk and interact with other players)
- achievers (want to have the biggest score)
- explorers (not just exploring geography, but also every bit of game mechanics)
- killers (basically hostile to other players. Not just competing for the highest frag count, like an achiever would, but actually wanting to annoy, humiliate, keep others from playing, etc.)
See Bartle's paper for more detail.
And it baffles me that most games catter either to killer-achievers or plain old killers, but pretty much every single non-MMO online game thoroughly ignores the other three categories. Pretty much every single multiplayer game nowadays is about playing _against_ other players, and not together with them.
It's not even a new problem. Even aside from Bartle's paper, there have been countless articles and flame-wars on MUD boards, explaining that some people explicitly do _not_ want to play _against_ other players. And why.
But no, every new multiplayer game just _has_ to catter to the same overcrowded market segment, and ignore everyone else.
This industry truly baffles me.
A polar bear is a cartesian bear after a coordinate transform.
This thinking almost got Diablo II. Basically one of the bosses was an extreme killer and was dead set against allowing cooperative players to opt out of the killer's game. It took close to 3 months of arguing to get as much cooperative support as we did in the end.
So based on this plus a sampling of discussions with people who worked on other games that the core problem is an overrepresentation of the killer point of view among developers.
"Who is the Journal of Quantum Physics going to believe?" --Stephen Hawking