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Preventing/Resolving Interoffice Conflict?
An anonymous reader asks: "I have an extremely unpleasant person to whom I directly report. I have no desire to leave my company until I've accomplished certain personal (read: financial) goals, but that will probably be, at the least, 12-30 months. In the meantime, I'd like to start resolving the personality clashes that me and this individual seem to constantly find ourselves in, with the hopes of perhaps extending my stay. Unfortunately, it's beyond my current mediating skills. Have you found any particular books, articles, texts, outlooks, or strategies which they have found valuable with respect to resolving personality conflicts in the workplace, or in a larger sense, mediating, arbitrating, or resolving disagreements?"
I haven't read it myself, but I've heard good things about Nonviolent Communication (Marshall B. Rosenberg). Including from someone who does conflict mediation for a living.
Surely there are enough conflict management books out there?
Basicly the things I remembered from them
1 Don't make the problem personal. Don't say you're an asshole, but something like "that can be done better".
If the problem is personal, be direct about it.
2 There are 5 ways to go about a conflict
a) Fight: beware don't fight with someone stronger then you and think of the aftermath
b) Run: beware that you don't become a pushover, but for some occasions it's good not to escalate and come back later
c) Compromise: good for the moment but you both loose
d) Win-win: this is the one you normally should go for
e) Both loose: don't go for this one
For example see http://ianrpubs.unl.edu/family/heg181.htm
I am currently reading "How To Win Friends And Influence People" by Dale Carnegie (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/067 1723650/qid=1090314709/sr=8-1/ref=pd_ka_1/102-1519 721-9700949?v=glance&s=books&n=507846)
It's only 7.99 and will probably solve many more problems than just the one you have with your boss
-- My signature is my passport. Verify me.
I found the book: Coping with Difficult People by Robert M. Bramson very helpful in dealing with (as you say) an ''extremely unpleasant person''.
chongo (was here)
When your supervisor acts in a seemingly unusual manner simply ask why and what is his/her motivation. If you seem sincere about your confusion, s/he should be willing to expound at length.
When that happens, listen. Keep listening. Seek to understand his/her position. Stephen Covey calls it "First Seek to Understand, then be understood".
Of course if after several sessions it appears your boss is just f*cking with you, it's time to CYA on every assignment, document the seemingly bad behavior, and update that resume. Spend the energy worrying about your job trying to find a new job.
It happened to me once and I got a better job, a new career path, and guess what?, my bad boss got fired, so I felt kinda vindicated.
My father is a blogger.
I completely disagree. I truly despise the dishonest people that "resolve" any conflict in that manner.
(No offense to you intended; you are on my friends list after all. I just feel very strongly about dishonest tactics. And that technique will simply gain you a reputation as a liar.)
Don't forget Dilbert, too.
Nothing to see here; Move along.
...I have some personal experience in this area having worked for a terrible boss (who eventually was let go as a result of me taking some steps): Here's the set of rules I operated by
1. First person communication. Avoid talking behind others backs (especially your boss), deal with problems as directly as possible. Note that this does not mean "deal with the problem with as much hostility as possible." If you have a problem, talk to the person about it. If they are the passive-agressive type that might backlash on you...
2. Do not allow ambiguity, or "unspoken statements", or joking about you to fly when it comes from your boss. For instance, if you get shot a dirty look, you are indirectly attacked or joked about as being lazy, confront it immediately. (Again, this doesn't mean attack, it means confront). Often for passive-agressive personalities, this makes it more difficult for them to "hide their feelings" towards you and can help you to get to the root of the problem...
3. Log, and track everything you do, all the time. This always seems like a horrible thing to go through, but when dealing with someone who is divisive, or who is intentionally attacking you, it's the only way you can fight back. Often these people will tell you they "told you to do something", that they didn't tell you to do. If you have a log of what tasked with, in detail, it makes it difficult for them to say that you didn't do the work. I used to carry a small notepad with me every day...date it at the top...and write down notes as I did work. It shaved an hour of time right out of my day, but that hour would have been spent explaining why I didn't do things that I wasn't asked to do. Also keep track of any time you were treated unfairly, be very specific in case you have to defend your job at some point.
4. Find someone within the organization (the manager of the individual, if applicable) with which you can align yourself. Even if it is simply a coworker, having someone that can back you up in difficult situations can really help. This is all assuming you are not the problem...
5. Get to the root of why you are being treated the way you are. Is everyone in the department having a difficult time with this individual? Are specific people (such as friends of the individual) not having problems? If you are being treated unfairly (which I'm sure we all have at some point), you need to confront it. In my case, the person in question was acting unethically and didn't like the fact that I wouldn't go along with his choices (or state my agreement with them).
6. Understand the rules of your company, and what options you have for dealing with employee/manager conflict. This is a last resort, since once you choose to go down this road, you really can't return unless that person gets fired. If you get to this point, and you've been taking notes, you'll have a very well documented case to give to whomever you report the problem to. If you do choose to take this route, make sure you let your boss know after you do it... The person you reported this to will be surprised when he finds out that you have also notified the target of your complaint, it will serve to make you appear to be acting with the best of intentions in a difficult situation. Anticipate any backlash based on what you know about the person you are complaining about.
The bottom line in all of this is that you must act transparently in this situation, everyone (including the boss with the bad attitude) should know where you stand with them and should be able to tell where you will stand on any issue you deal with. Nobody should be able to question your motives or intent...they should just know them. You should be "advertising" your value through your actions.
Also...recognize that the world isn't fair, and sometimes even when you do what you're supposed to, someone with a bad attitude or suffering from a power-trip is going to win occasionally. As an employee, for the most part, you really have only one power to hold above your boss...the power to find new employment.
In my case, my boss was let go.
"God is dead!" - Nietzsche
"Nietzsche is dead!" - God