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Preventing/Resolving Interoffice Conflict?
An anonymous reader asks: "I have an extremely unpleasant person to whom I directly report. I have no desire to leave my company until I've accomplished certain personal (read: financial) goals, but that will probably be, at the least, 12-30 months. In the meantime, I'd like to start resolving the personality clashes that me and this individual seem to constantly find ourselves in, with the hopes of perhaps extending my stay. Unfortunately, it's beyond my current mediating skills. Have you found any particular books, articles, texts, outlooks, or strategies which they have found valuable with respect to resolving personality conflicts in the workplace, or in a larger sense, mediating, arbitrating, or resolving disagreements?"
What it says is a bit common sense and I am breaking one of the rules by telling you about it, but /. has given so much to me, I really have to give back.
The Rules of Work
I have read it three times and have found it invaluable in more than just work.
flinging poop since 1969
I find that beer is a great leveler.
Beer breaks down barriers. Buying beers for others breaks down even more.
Having a beer bought for you is cool - especialy so if the beer is too.
For problems, seek only the simplest solution, complexity brings with it more problems.
Well i wish I had more info about your particular situation, sadly I do not so the best I can do is share a technique I've used. Admit you're wrong about something. Even if you're not. (Although, if you're like me, I'm sure the opportunity where you really are wrong will materialize.) Admit fault, and apologize. If you have to swallow your pride and do it, give it a shot.
:P) I blamed IBM for a problem on another coworker's machine. She, having been a long time employee before working at this partciular company, knew full well that IBM has a very strong engineering sense and wouldn't possibly make a product that would inconvenience people. I knew full well that something they had pre-installed was causing severe lag in the machine preventing the engineer from working. Obviously I was in the right, so when she told me in front of everybody else I didn't know what I was talking about, I was righteous in blowing up at her in private.
.. uh.. exchange and I said "I've made one too many cracks at IBM's expense, haven't I?" The anger in her eyes almost immediately melted away. I was right. I was in the wrong. IBM had been the butt of my jokes for like a year, and she quietly let them go by. But they never really went anywhere, they just built up somewhere. And when I publically blasted IBM in a meeting, she had finally had enough.
I'll share an example with you: I got into it with my former boss once. (Note: Former long after this incident, so spare me the obvious Trump line.
Here's the thing, though. We were(are) good friends. We never had a problem like this before. So when we sat face to face eyes ablaze with anger ready to have a dueling of words, I realized this was not a situation we should ever be in. I mean, she is one of the most rational people I have ever met, and to wind her up like that... well there had to be something more to it. Then it dawned on me. I paused the
When I pointed out my contribution to the problem, it immediately defused the situation. Suddenly we were our old selves again and we both figured out what it'd take to prevent that type of thing from happening again. I'm happy to say that by the time our chat was over, there was no discomfort at the office. There was no "ugh that was an ugly moment." It was settled, we were both cool.
If I had been more of an asshole, I could have pursued it. I could have attempted to drill her into the ground. (Although I will say that she's far brighter than I am, I could have easily gone down in flames. hehe.) Instead, quite by accident, I discovered how to get us back onto a pleasant discussion level. Kind of embarrasing on my part, though. heh.
I don't know if this helps you at all. But it might be worth trying. Admit (or claim) a problem was your fault. Maybe you won't seem so threatening to him when he realizes you're not Mr. Perfect.
"Derp de derp."
1) Separating the people from the problem
2) Focusing on the interests, not positions
3) Inventing options for mutual gain
4) Insisting on using objective criteria
This can get you so far but the results can still be frustrating...so I'd keep in mind that as long as you see yourself with a future at this company, you're better off thinking that:
1) Anger, frustration do nothing to you except for make you feel crappy. Accept that he's a prick and move on.
2) Your manager is a great teacher of patience and tolerance. Once you can put up with him, you can conquer anything!
3) When he's being a jerk, just smile or be nice back to him. He's probably using his asshole-ness as a power play and he'll be confused as hell when you don't play his game. Hopefully others in the company will pick up on your competence+ability to deal with people and want you on their team.
This is the point I was going to make (but I found it here before I got around to posting).
Zen. Take a breath. Then take another breath. Repeat. You don't need to solve this type of problem; you can simply stop having it by letting go of it.
I once worked as a liason to a company run by an amazing person. He jokingly refered to himself as "a type triple-A" personality. He got into a confrontation every five minutes or so, with anyone that was handy. I liked shouting matches.
His assistant was an even more amazing person; the calmest, sweetest person you'd ever care to meet. She was a buddhist. She just didn't engage with him; or rather, she engaged with him, instead of against him. It's hard to explain. It's not that she gave in, it's that she didn't fight. She was polite, reasonable, etc. and didn't mind him being however he wanted to be. It took all the wind out of his sails.
-- MarkusQ
I ran into trouble with the owner of the small company I joined. It had only 7 full timers, and the owner was into everything. He was an engineer to boot, which means he thought he knowns something about programming (in basic!)
He micromanaged and I found out very quickly it was a no-win. He wanted to tell me what button to push, even if I disagreed, and then blame me when it didn't work.
Quickly I decided to make my own mistakes. Hell, if I was going to get the blame It might as well be for something I did.
It pretty much stopped being an issue when he realized what I was doing, but by then I had a little bit of a record for making good choices. I hated working for him (not alone in that), but he didn't seem to take it personally. And once he understood that he would have to fire me and get someone else (or do it himself) if he wanted it done his way, we got along better. Of course I understood that when he decided I was making too many mistakes I would be history - but that was always the case, and by taking responsibility and acting grown-up he started trusting me more.
I stayed with that company for 7 years. There were times we didn't talk ( small company politics can be like family ) but I only left when he hired an ex-IBM manager as my supervisor, who misunderstood the disfunctional situation and got in my face too much. I left after a bad yearly review from him, they hired 3 people to take my place (no kidding) and within 6 months got rid of my manager (the first firing done in that company.) My ex-coworker and car-pooler told anyone who asked that the bad review was the straw that did it, and the owner pulled the review and seemed pretty upset - maybe secretly he actually liked me around, or more likely paying 3 people to do the job I was doing was distasteful to him.