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Preventing/Resolving Interoffice Conflict?
An anonymous reader asks: "I have an extremely unpleasant person to whom I directly report. I have no desire to leave my company until I've accomplished certain personal (read: financial) goals, but that will probably be, at the least, 12-30 months. In the meantime, I'd like to start resolving the personality clashes that me and this individual seem to constantly find ourselves in, with the hopes of perhaps extending my stay. Unfortunately, it's beyond my current mediating skills. Have you found any particular books, articles, texts, outlooks, or strategies which they have found valuable with respect to resolving personality conflicts in the workplace, or in a larger sense, mediating, arbitrating, or resolving disagreements?"
Have a look at this:
:-) Great fun reading and you might get some sneaky ideas from it ... hehe
BOFH - the original More BOFH
I haven't read it myself, but I've heard good things about Nonviolent Communication (Marshall B. Rosenberg). Including from someone who does conflict mediation for a living.
http://www.advertisementave.com/tv/ad.asp?adid=526
What it says is a bit common sense and I am breaking one of the rules by telling you about it, but /. has given so much to me, I really have to give back.
The Rules of Work
I have read it three times and have found it invaluable in more than just work.
flinging poop since 1969
I find that beer is a great leveler.
Beer breaks down barriers. Buying beers for others breaks down even more.
Having a beer bought for you is cool - especialy so if the beer is too.
For problems, seek only the simplest solution, complexity brings with it more problems.
It's bad enough when you have to work in the same department with someone like this, but to report directly to them?
I worked for a huge corporation for 8 years, and when one person was hired and decided I was a threat to his position and proceeded to repeatedly sabotage my work and reputation... it got ugly.
This person buddied up to management (literally, taking them golfing and out on his boat, etc.) and with little nagging here and there, eventually convinced them that I was the problem, not him.
I got out in time... I left that company and got a ~50% raise in the process.
Upon submitting my 2 week notice, I posted this outside my cubicle... no-one took it down.
Almost immediately after I left, I ended up hearing that he targetted another in the group (since I was no longer there to be the scapegoat for his mistakes). Unfortunately for him, this guy had a phenomenal reputation in the company that spanned many levels (so it finally backfired).
The "moral of the story" is basically... you're in a "no-win situation". This person is not only going to have a negative effect on your psyche over that period of time, but he's going to have a negative effect on your reputation, making it more difficult to get another job anyways.
This is, of course, if he doesn't fire you first... which will make it even more difficult to find another job.
My recommendation is to polish your resume and post it immediately... it only gets worse.
- Preferences: Solaris 10 (servers), Ubuntu (desktops), Solaris 11 (personal servers) -
Surely there are enough conflict management books out there?
Basicly the things I remembered from them
1 Don't make the problem personal. Don't say you're an asshole, but something like "that can be done better".
If the problem is personal, be direct about it.
2 There are 5 ways to go about a conflict
a) Fight: beware don't fight with someone stronger then you and think of the aftermath
b) Run: beware that you don't become a pushover, but for some occasions it's good not to escalate and come back later
c) Compromise: good for the moment but you both loose
d) Win-win: this is the one you normally should go for
e) Both loose: don't go for this one
For example see http://ianrpubs.unl.edu/family/heg181.htm
"Personality clashes" - that covers a fair whack of ground. You can't possibly expect useful advice (if there even is such an animal) without a lot more information about you, and the other person, preferably from an unbiased third party... one or both of you might need psychoanalysis, or just a weekend on a fishing boat together, or (for all I know) a lobotomy, but what you *don't* need is suggestions from the Slashdot crowd based on an extremely vague question.
But on a more constructive note, I've been there myself, more than once. So you've asked a vague question and you'll get a vague answer: in my case, back in the old days, in retrospect, most of the time, frankly it was my fault. Then I got a bit older and a bit wiser, and now I find myself flexible enough to deal with or avoid almost any unpleasant situation. So try waiting a few years until one or both of you grows up a bit. (Note that in most cases, time alone doesn't help people, so this probably won't work - but neither will the books and classes recommended to you by others)
Perfectly Normal Industries
Not sure if this will help but.... You have two kinds of people in an office. Confrontational people - they fight and bully etc. Submissive people - the ones the Confrontational people bully etc. Funnilly the Confrontational people think that they are being Assertive. They are not. That is what the Submissive person must learn to do. How to be Assertive in three steps? 1. Be honest about what relevant - don't call the other guy an asshole - it is not relevant and makes you Confrontational. 2. Pick you bottom line and stick to it - What is the minimum you need from this situation? Decide that and stick to wanting this. Keep saying what you want again and again and again and again...... it sounds stupid, but the other person breaks down after a while. If you don't do this then you are Submissive. 3. Treat the other person like a human being - simple as that. It shows respect and you should get it back. Thanks Jay
Well i wish I had more info about your particular situation, sadly I do not so the best I can do is share a technique I've used. Admit you're wrong about something. Even if you're not. (Although, if you're like me, I'm sure the opportunity where you really are wrong will materialize.) Admit fault, and apologize. If you have to swallow your pride and do it, give it a shot.
:P) I blamed IBM for a problem on another coworker's machine. She, having been a long time employee before working at this partciular company, knew full well that IBM has a very strong engineering sense and wouldn't possibly make a product that would inconvenience people. I knew full well that something they had pre-installed was causing severe lag in the machine preventing the engineer from working. Obviously I was in the right, so when she told me in front of everybody else I didn't know what I was talking about, I was righteous in blowing up at her in private.
.. uh.. exchange and I said "I've made one too many cracks at IBM's expense, haven't I?" The anger in her eyes almost immediately melted away. I was right. I was in the wrong. IBM had been the butt of my jokes for like a year, and she quietly let them go by. But they never really went anywhere, they just built up somewhere. And when I publically blasted IBM in a meeting, she had finally had enough.
I'll share an example with you: I got into it with my former boss once. (Note: Former long after this incident, so spare me the obvious Trump line.
Here's the thing, though. We were(are) good friends. We never had a problem like this before. So when we sat face to face eyes ablaze with anger ready to have a dueling of words, I realized this was not a situation we should ever be in. I mean, she is one of the most rational people I have ever met, and to wind her up like that... well there had to be something more to it. Then it dawned on me. I paused the
When I pointed out my contribution to the problem, it immediately defused the situation. Suddenly we were our old selves again and we both figured out what it'd take to prevent that type of thing from happening again. I'm happy to say that by the time our chat was over, there was no discomfort at the office. There was no "ugh that was an ugly moment." It was settled, we were both cool.
If I had been more of an asshole, I could have pursued it. I could have attempted to drill her into the ground. (Although I will say that she's far brighter than I am, I could have easily gone down in flames. hehe.) Instead, quite by accident, I discovered how to get us back onto a pleasant discussion level. Kind of embarrasing on my part, though. heh.
I don't know if this helps you at all. But it might be worth trying. Admit (or claim) a problem was your fault. Maybe you won't seem so threatening to him when he realizes you're not Mr. Perfect.
"Derp de derp."
Quit trying so hard. Seriously.
"...Unfortunately, it's beyond my current mediating skills. Have you found any particular books, articles, texts, outlooks, or strategies..."
If you're going this far, it's not going to work. You're the type of person that feels they've got to be friends with everyone and when you don't get along you have to do something to "fix" it. Anything you try from a book or strategy guide is just going to come across as forced and false and will probably piss off the other person even more.
Best advice: You're in a crappy working situation. If you're planning on making a career out of this job, try and get transferred to another department/building where there's a different manager. If that's not possible, you need to figure out how your boss's boss responds to complaints. If the boss's boss won't listen, or there's nobody that's higher up, find another job or just deal with it until you can leave.
I am currently reading "How To Win Friends And Influence People" by Dale Carnegie (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/067 1723650/qid=1090314709/sr=8-1/ref=pd_ka_1/102-1519 721-9700949?v=glance&s=books&n=507846)
It's only 7.99 and will probably solve many more problems than just the one you have with your boss
-- My signature is my passport. Verify me.
I found the book: Coping with Difficult People by Robert M. Bramson very helpful in dealing with (as you say) an ''extremely unpleasant person''.
chongo (was here)
1) Separating the people from the problem
2) Focusing on the interests, not positions
3) Inventing options for mutual gain
4) Insisting on using objective criteria
This can get you so far but the results can still be frustrating...so I'd keep in mind that as long as you see yourself with a future at this company, you're better off thinking that:
1) Anger, frustration do nothing to you except for make you feel crappy. Accept that he's a prick and move on.
2) Your manager is a great teacher of patience and tolerance. Once you can put up with him, you can conquer anything!
3) When he's being a jerk, just smile or be nice back to him. He's probably using his asshole-ness as a power play and he'll be confused as hell when you don't play his game. Hopefully others in the company will pick up on your competence+ability to deal with people and want you on their team.
When your supervisor acts in a seemingly unusual manner simply ask why and what is his/her motivation. If you seem sincere about your confusion, s/he should be willing to expound at length.
When that happens, listen. Keep listening. Seek to understand his/her position. Stephen Covey calls it "First Seek to Understand, then be understood".
Of course if after several sessions it appears your boss is just f*cking with you, it's time to CYA on every assignment, document the seemingly bad behavior, and update that resume. Spend the energy worrying about your job trying to find a new job.
It happened to me once and I got a better job, a new career path, and guess what?, my bad boss got fired, so I felt kinda vindicated.
My father is a blogger.
I wrestled constantly with a surly woman in a previous job--she hated me, hated our department, and hated working with almost anybody.
I'm sitting in her cubicle as she rants about my department again and I notice she has some pictures of her dogs hanging on the walls. In a lull in the raving, I asked about the dogs and--like flipping a switch--she suddenly softened and then went on and on about them. It was the most boring conversation in the world, but afterwards, she cooperated with me much more and even praised my work after the project.
It's easy to get tangled in roles and forget people are human beings--however annoying ones sometimes. That one moment of talking about something she really cared about was just enough to make her realize we weren't gang members but human beings.
As weird as it sounds, try some diplomacy: learn about the person, ask some questions, feign (or, better yet, actually cultivate) interest...you'd be surprised how people suddenly turn around when their passions are revealed.
I completely disagree. I truly despise the dishonest people that "resolve" any conflict in that manner.
(No offense to you intended; you are on my friends list after all. I just feel very strongly about dishonest tactics. And that technique will simply gain you a reputation as a liar.)
This is the point I was going to make (but I found it here before I got around to posting).
Zen. Take a breath. Then take another breath. Repeat. You don't need to solve this type of problem; you can simply stop having it by letting go of it.
I once worked as a liason to a company run by an amazing person. He jokingly refered to himself as "a type triple-A" personality. He got into a confrontation every five minutes or so, with anyone that was handy. I liked shouting matches.
His assistant was an even more amazing person; the calmest, sweetest person you'd ever care to meet. She was a buddhist. She just didn't engage with him; or rather, she engaged with him, instead of against him. It's hard to explain. It's not that she gave in, it's that she didn't fight. She was polite, reasonable, etc. and didn't mind him being however he wanted to be. It took all the wind out of his sails.
-- MarkusQ
We had a guy who spent half his day on some website checking his stocks. This was during the boom. We simply logged all outgoing web requests (the URL's) and the amount of traffic to the website and displayed them during a meeting when everybody was present. His website accounted for something like 40% of the traffic. We did not name names, but everyone knew he did this, and he knew it.
It stopped. He resigned after while, and the sad thing is he had made a boatload of money on the stock exchange!
Of course, this does not help when people are claiming that it is work. Then actually logging the content would be your only option which is at best intrusive and at worse illegal. Difficult case, but perhaps simply blocking the ports would help?
Who are the work-related people? Internal or external. If its internal there is no difference between this and colleagues who hang out in each other's cubicles all day.
The dangers of excessive individualism are nothing compared to the oppressiveness of excessive collectivism
I ran into trouble with the owner of the small company I joined. It had only 7 full timers, and the owner was into everything. He was an engineer to boot, which means he thought he knowns something about programming (in basic!)
He micromanaged and I found out very quickly it was a no-win. He wanted to tell me what button to push, even if I disagreed, and then blame me when it didn't work.
Quickly I decided to make my own mistakes. Hell, if I was going to get the blame It might as well be for something I did.
It pretty much stopped being an issue when he realized what I was doing, but by then I had a little bit of a record for making good choices. I hated working for him (not alone in that), but he didn't seem to take it personally. And once he understood that he would have to fire me and get someone else (or do it himself) if he wanted it done his way, we got along better. Of course I understood that when he decided I was making too many mistakes I would be history - but that was always the case, and by taking responsibility and acting grown-up he started trusting me more.
I stayed with that company for 7 years. There were times we didn't talk ( small company politics can be like family ) but I only left when he hired an ex-IBM manager as my supervisor, who misunderstood the disfunctional situation and got in my face too much. I left after a bad yearly review from him, they hired 3 people to take my place (no kidding) and within 6 months got rid of my manager (the first firing done in that company.) My ex-coworker and car-pooler told anyone who asked that the bad review was the straw that did it, and the owner pulled the review and seemed pretty upset - maybe secretly he actually liked me around, or more likely paying 3 people to do the job I was doing was distasteful to him.
...I have some personal experience in this area having worked for a terrible boss (who eventually was let go as a result of me taking some steps): Here's the set of rules I operated by
1. First person communication. Avoid talking behind others backs (especially your boss), deal with problems as directly as possible. Note that this does not mean "deal with the problem with as much hostility as possible." If you have a problem, talk to the person about it. If they are the passive-agressive type that might backlash on you...
2. Do not allow ambiguity, or "unspoken statements", or joking about you to fly when it comes from your boss. For instance, if you get shot a dirty look, you are indirectly attacked or joked about as being lazy, confront it immediately. (Again, this doesn't mean attack, it means confront). Often for passive-agressive personalities, this makes it more difficult for them to "hide their feelings" towards you and can help you to get to the root of the problem...
3. Log, and track everything you do, all the time. This always seems like a horrible thing to go through, but when dealing with someone who is divisive, or who is intentionally attacking you, it's the only way you can fight back. Often these people will tell you they "told you to do something", that they didn't tell you to do. If you have a log of what tasked with, in detail, it makes it difficult for them to say that you didn't do the work. I used to carry a small notepad with me every day...date it at the top...and write down notes as I did work. It shaved an hour of time right out of my day, but that hour would have been spent explaining why I didn't do things that I wasn't asked to do. Also keep track of any time you were treated unfairly, be very specific in case you have to defend your job at some point.
4. Find someone within the organization (the manager of the individual, if applicable) with which you can align yourself. Even if it is simply a coworker, having someone that can back you up in difficult situations can really help. This is all assuming you are not the problem...
5. Get to the root of why you are being treated the way you are. Is everyone in the department having a difficult time with this individual? Are specific people (such as friends of the individual) not having problems? If you are being treated unfairly (which I'm sure we all have at some point), you need to confront it. In my case, the person in question was acting unethically and didn't like the fact that I wouldn't go along with his choices (or state my agreement with them).
6. Understand the rules of your company, and what options you have for dealing with employee/manager conflict. This is a last resort, since once you choose to go down this road, you really can't return unless that person gets fired. If you get to this point, and you've been taking notes, you'll have a very well documented case to give to whomever you report the problem to. If you do choose to take this route, make sure you let your boss know after you do it... The person you reported this to will be surprised when he finds out that you have also notified the target of your complaint, it will serve to make you appear to be acting with the best of intentions in a difficult situation. Anticipate any backlash based on what you know about the person you are complaining about.
The bottom line in all of this is that you must act transparently in this situation, everyone (including the boss with the bad attitude) should know where you stand with them and should be able to tell where you will stand on any issue you deal with. Nobody should be able to question your motives or intent...they should just know them. You should be "advertising" your value through your actions.
Also...recognize that the world isn't fair, and sometimes even when you do what you're supposed to, someone with a bad attitude or suffering from a power-trip is going to win occasionally. As an employee, for the most part, you really have only one power to hold above your boss...the power to find new employment.
In my case, my boss was let go.
"God is dead!" - Nietzsche
"Nietzsche is dead!" - God