Preventing/Resolving Interoffice Conflict?

An anonymous reader asks: "I have an extremely unpleasant person to whom I directly report. I have no desire to leave my company until I've accomplished certain personal (read: financial) goals, but that will probably be, at the least, 12-30 months. In the meantime, I'd like to start resolving the personality clashes that me and this individual seem to constantly find ourselves in, with the hopes of perhaps extending my stay. Unfortunately, it's beyond my current mediating skills. Have you found any particular books, articles, texts, outlooks, or strategies which they have found valuable with respect to resolving personality conflicts in the workplace, or in a larger sense, mediating, arbitrating, or resolving disagreements?"

Comments

You know BOFH?

[rufus0815]

Have a look at this:

BOFH - the original More BOFH

:-) Great fun reading and you might get some sneaky ideas from it ... hehe

Terry Tate Office Linebacker

[Grand]

http://www.advertisementave.com/tv/ad.asp?adid=526

This one is the best I have ever read

[howman]

What it says is a bit common sense and I am breaking one of the rules by telling you about it, but /. has given so much to me, I really have to give back.
The Rules of Work
I have read it three times and have found it invaluable in more than just work.

Keep it personal

[keoghp]

I find that beer is a great leveler.

Beer breaks down barriers. Buying beers for others breaks down even more.

Having a beer bought for you is cool - especialy so if the beer is too.

This is not good...

[Kevin Burtch]

It's bad enough when you have to work in the same department with someone like this, but to report directly to them?

I worked for a huge corporation for 8 years, and when one person was hired and decided I was a threat to his position and proceeded to repeatedly sabotage my work and reputation... it got ugly.
This person buddied up to management (literally, taking them golfing and out on his boat, etc.) and with little nagging here and there, eventually convinced them that I was the problem, not him.
I got out in time... I left that company and got a ~50% raise in the process.

Upon submitting my 2 week notice, I posted this outside my cubicle... no-one took it down.

Almost immediately after I left, I ended up hearing that he targetted another in the group (since I was no longer there to be the scapegoat for his mistakes). Unfortunately for him, this guy had a phenomenal reputation in the company that spanned many levels (so it finally backfired).

The "moral of the story" is basically... you're in a "no-win situation". This person is not only going to have a negative effect on your psyche over that period of time, but he's going to have a negative effect on your reputation, making it more difficult to get another job anyways.
This is, of course, if he doesn't fire you first... which will make it even more difficult to find another job.

My recommendation is to polish your resume and post it immediately... it only gets worse.

Conflict management

[it0]

Surely there are enough conflict management books out there?

Basicly the things I remembered from them
1 Don't make the problem personal. Don't say you're an asshole, but something like "that can be done better".
If the problem is personal, be direct about it.
2 There are 5 ways to go about a conflict
a) Fight: beware don't fight with someone stronger then you and think of the aftermath
b) Run: beware that you don't become a pushover, but for some occasions it's good not to escalate and come back later
c) Compromise: good for the moment but you both loose
d) Win-win: this is the one you normally should go for
e) Both loose: don't go for this one

For example see http://ianrpubs.unl.edu/family/heg181.htm

Could you be a little more vague?

[bscott]

"Personality clashes" - that covers a fair whack of ground. You can't possibly expect useful advice (if there even is such an animal) without a lot more information about you, and the other person, preferably from an unbiased third party... one or both of you might need psychoanalysis, or just a weekend on a fishing boat together, or (for all I know) a lobotomy, but what you *don't* need is suggestions from the Slashdot crowd based on an extremely vague question.

But on a more constructive note, I've been there myself, more than once. So you've asked a vague question and you'll get a vague answer: in my case, back in the old days, in retrospect, most of the time, frankly it was my fault. Then I got a bit older and a bit wiser, and now I find myself flexible enough to deal with or avoid almost any unpleasant situation. So try waiting a few years until one or both of you grows up a bit. (Note that in most cases, time alone doesn't help people, so this probably won't work - but neither will the books and classes recommended to you by others)

Admit you're wrong about something

[NanoGator]

Well i wish I had more info about your particular situation, sadly I do not so the best I can do is share a technique I've used. Admit you're wrong about something. Even if you're not. (Although, if you're like me, I'm sure the opportunity where you really are wrong will materialize.) Admit fault, and apologize. If you have to swallow your pride and do it, give it a shot.

I'll share an example with you: I got into it with my former boss once. (Note: Former long after this incident, so spare me the obvious Trump line. :P) I blamed IBM for a problem on another coworker's machine. She, having been a long time employee before working at this partciular company, knew full well that IBM has a very strong engineering sense and wouldn't possibly make a product that would inconvenience people. I knew full well that something they had pre-installed was causing severe lag in the machine preventing the engineer from working. Obviously I was in the right, so when she told me in front of everybody else I didn't know what I was talking about, I was righteous in blowing up at her in private.

Here's the thing, though. We were(are) good friends. We never had a problem like this before. So when we sat face to face eyes ablaze with anger ready to have a dueling of words, I realized this was not a situation we should ever be in. I mean, she is one of the most rational people I have ever met, and to wind her up like that... well there had to be something more to it. Then it dawned on me. I paused the .. uh.. exchange and I said "I've made one too many cracks at IBM's expense, haven't I?" The anger in her eyes almost immediately melted away. I was right. I was in the wrong. IBM had been the butt of my jokes for like a year, and she quietly let them go by. But they never really went anywhere, they just built up somewhere. And when I publically blasted IBM in a meeting, she had finally had enough.

When I pointed out my contribution to the problem, it immediately defused the situation. Suddenly we were our old selves again and we both figured out what it'd take to prevent that type of thing from happening again. I'm happy to say that by the time our chat was over, there was no discomfort at the office. There was no "ugh that was an ugly moment." It was settled, we were both cool.

If I had been more of an asshole, I could have pursued it. I could have attempted to drill her into the ground. (Although I will say that she's far brighter than I am, I could have easily gone down in flames. hehe.) Instead, quite by accident, I discovered how to get us back onto a pleasant discussion level. Kind of embarrasing on my part, though. heh.

I don't know if this helps you at all. But it might be worth trying. Admit (or claim) a problem was your fault. Maybe you won't seem so threatening to him when he realizes you're not Mr. Perfect.

Could tell by reading your post

[mike_lynn]

Quit trying so hard. Seriously.

"...Unfortunately, it's beyond my current mediating skills. Have you found any particular books, articles, texts, outlooks, or strategies..."

If you're going this far, it's not going to work. You're the type of person that feels they've got to be friends with everyone and when you don't get along you have to do something to "fix" it. Anything you try from a book or strategy guide is just going to come across as forced and false and will probably piss off the other person even more.

Best advice: You're in a crappy working situation. If you're planning on making a career out of this job, try and get transferred to another department/building where there's a different manager. If that's not possible, you need to figure out how your boss's boss responds to complaints. If the boss's boss won't listen, or there's nobody that's higher up, find another job or just deal with it until you can leave.

Conventional and unconventional approaches

[blastedtokyo]

For conventional approaches, I'd look at Getting to Yes from Fisher and Ury. Based on academic research and the mediation project at Harvard Law School, it comes up with a number of recommendations for approaching conflict. It gets boiled down to four rules:

1) Separating the people from the problem

2) Focusing on the interests, not positions

3) Inventing options for mutual gain

4) Insisting on using objective criteria

This can get you so far but the results can still be frustrating...so I'd keep in mind that as long as you see yourself with a future at this company, you're better off thinking that:

1) Anger, frustration do nothing to you except for make you feel crappy. Accept that he's a prick and move on.

2) Your manager is a great teacher of patience and tolerance. Once you can put up with him, you can conquer anything!

3) When he's being a jerk, just smile or be nice back to him. He's probably using his asshole-ness as a power play and he'll be confused as hell when you don't play his game. Hopefully others in the company will pick up on your competence+ability to deal with people and want you on their team.

Turn into human beings

[yndrd]

I wrestled constantly with a surly woman in a previous job--she hated me, hated our department, and hated working with almost anybody.

I'm sitting in her cubicle as she rants about my department again and I notice she has some pictures of her dogs hanging on the walls. In a lull in the raving, I asked about the dogs and--like flipping a switch--she suddenly softened and then went on and on about them. It was the most boring conversation in the world, but afterwards, she cooperated with me much more and even praised my work after the project.

It's easy to get tangled in roles and forget people are human beings--however annoying ones sometimes. That one moment of talking about something she really cared about was just enough to make her realize we weren't gang members but human beings.

As weird as it sounds, try some diplomacy: learn about the person, ask some questions, feign (or, better yet, actually cultivate) interest...you'd be surprised how people suddenly turn around when their passions are revealed.