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Whippersnappers Bad-Mouth Old Games
1up.com has posted the second in an article series called "Child's Play", where they invite youngsters to experience the joys of classic gaming to hilarious effect. From the (sob) article: "Bobby: After you beat the Death Star level, there should be a snow level, then a small speeder bike level. They should make a Matrix game in the theme of Star Wars. So then you take out your sword and run up to a guy and go, "Chiiing!" And after you saw through his head, you fly inside your X-wing."
From the article, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried:
Bobby: It's probably because the Nazis felt bad having a cement fighting place, so they put little trampolines under-
Parker: Wait. What do Nazi's have to do with it?
Bobby: Because Zangief is a Nazi.
EGM: He's Russian. Not German.
Garret: He's a communist.
Bobby: Then why is Zangief's place a Nazi place?
EGM: It's not.
Bobby: Yes it is-it had a Nazi sign on the cement.
Parker: It couldn't have been. They wouldn't have let that in videogames.
Bobby: Whatever.
This proves it... Video games DO rot the brains of young and impressionable children. They wouldn't have allowed a swastika in a video game? Pure blasphemy I say, plain and simple. We need to bring back video games that teach children some history. They should at least be able to recognize a swastika in a video game!
If your child's video games aren't teaching them valuable lessons about World History who is?
Those little punks need some sense beaten into them. I think it would be appropriate to administer a severe beating to each by smacking them upside the head repeatedly with an old Atari joystick, then pistol whipping them with a Nintendo light gun.
Or, maybe I'm just over-reacting because the artical makes me feel old.
Back in my day, we didn't have consoles at home. We had to walk uphill, both ways, to the video arcade. And we had to put tokens in the machines. We didn't have quarters because of the war. But the point of the story is, I had an onion on my belt.
Everything went downhill after Sierra stopped making their classic Space Quest series, King's Quest series and the such. These were games that actually look some sort of cognitive abilities and sometimes puzzles could stump you for days depending on how you viewed a certain situation. These days, it's all about point and click and there is no more typing "look east", "east", "throw midget east".
Seriously.. I think I remember having to throw a midget once, but for the life of me I can't remember which game it was in.
Valkyrie is about to die! Wizard needs food -- badly!
We had to tie a flashlight to a string and hit it with badminton rackets. Kids today don't know how easy they have it and are way too spoiled. Thankfully, social security will be broke buy the time they retire and they will have to sell their organs just to buy catfood. I'll be laughing at them from the grave.
Proof that kids can relate to the older generation:
Dillon: And to think 20 years from now, people are going to think, "Oh, you're playing [GameCube Zelda game] Wind Waker? That's boring."
EGM: What will you say when your kids say Wind Waker looks boring?
Parker: Get out of my house. You're out of my will.
> And after you saw through his head, you fly inside your X-wing."
Oh, give up up, Raph. Nobody's playing SWG:Jump to Lightspeed either.
You really have to wonder when Rachel says something like "I like this game because I can do all these things that are so against what I'd ever do in reality. Of course eventually the boundary between reality and video game will become blurred, and I will be compelled to act out my violent fantasies against my classmates. And it's all because evil corporations prey on weak, susceptible minds like mine, so they can desensitize me to violence and demand more and more violent video games."
There's a Mercedes gap too. I want one and can't afford one, but it's not government's job to do anything about it.
Funny timing.
:(
Last weekend I was at the Gameworks in Las Vegas, and was playing a Ms. Pac-Man machine that was next to a few other vintage arcade machines (Robotron, Centipede, Xevious, Missile Command) that were standing alongside a wall in an alcove.
Enter a group of kids.
One of them says, "Hey, look! Old-fashioned games!"
I couldn't help but utter a Homer Simpson-esque, "D'oh!" in response.
"EGM: Now imagine you've reached the 10th stage, and you're on your last life. Once you die and you put another quarter in, you don't just continue from there--you start all over.
Parker: Are you serious?
EGM: Yep. When you lose all your lives, you have to start over. You don't keep going.
Parker: And you guys back then were OK with this?"
Hehe, suck it punk, you with your continues and save points!
I remember slugging my way thru those classics like Defender and Galaga.
Imagine playing any new console game with nowhere to start but the beginning. Then we'd really see who had the skillz.
Hehe.
The earliest game i really enjoyed was wolf3d, and still play it every one and a whild, but I dont want to spend money on an old consile (atari)
Uhhh.... My head asplode.
The key to the enjoyment of pop music is to replace any instance of "love" with "C.H.U.D."
ahh... I remember when nostalgia wasn't overrated. Now THOSE were the good ol' days....
The Tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo
by Richard Aronson [aronson@sierratel.com]
In the early seventies, Ed Whitchurch ran "his game", and one of the participants was Eric Sorenson. Eric plays something like a computer. When he games, he methodically considers each possibility before choosing his preferred option. If given time, he will invariably pick the optimal solution. It has been known to take weeks. He is otherwise, in all respects, a superior gamer.
Eric was playing a Neutral Paladin in Ed's game. He was on some lord's lands when the following exchange occurred:
ED: You see a well groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill, you see a gazebo.
ERIC: A gazebo? What color is it?
ED: [pause] It's white, Eric.
ERIC: How far away is it?
ED: About 50 yards.
ERIC: How big is it?
ED: [pause] It's about 30 ft across, 15 ft high, with a pointed top.
ERIC: I use my sword to detect good on it.
ED: It's not good, Eric. It's a gazebo.
ERIC: [pause] I call out to it.
ED: It won't answer. It's a gazebo.
ERIC: [pause] I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and arrows. Does it respond in any way?
ED: No, Eric, it's a gazebo!
ERIC: I shoot it with my bow. [roll to hit] What happened?
ED: There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking out of it.
ERIC: [pause] Wasn't it wounded?
ED: OF COURSE NOT, ERIC! IT'S A GAZEBO!
ERIC: [whimper] But that was a +3 arrow!
ED: It's a gazebo, Eric, a GAZEBO! If you really want to try to destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it, but I don't know why anybody would even try. It's a @#$%!! gazebo!
ERIC: [long pause. He has no axe or fire spells.] I run away.
ED: [thoroughly frustrated] It's too late. You've awakened the gazebo. It catches you and eats you.
ERIC: [reaching for his dice] Maybe I'll roll up a fire-using mage so I can avenge my Paladin.
At this point, the increasingly amused fellow party members restored a modicum of order by explaining to Eric what a gazebo is. Thus ends the tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo. It could have been worse; at least the gazebo wasn't on a grassy gnoll. Thus ends the tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo. A little vocabulary is a dangerous thing.
The above is Copyright © 1989 by Richard Aronson. Reprinted with permission. The author grants permission to reprint as long as all copyright notices remain with the text.
- Just my $0.02, take with a grain of salt, your mileage may vary.
You young whippersnapper.
I have a collection of silent radio plays.
Ok, this is just begging to be posted:
Hey Hey 16k
Awesome-est animation about nostalgia games ever.
Overcaffeinated. Angry geeks.
i wasn't stupid when i was 11, i was fixing TVs and my friends' game consoles.
But you still haven't been able to find the shift key on your keyboard?
Text games are the bane of all articulate, imaginative humans.
There is an enemy in front of you.
>KICK HIM IN THE CROTCH.
I'm sorry, I don't know how to CROTCH.
>ATTACK HIM WITH YOUR SWORD
I'm sorry, I don't know how to ATTACK.
>TRY TO REASON WITH HIM
I'm sorry, I don't know how to TRY.
>ATTACH THE SWORD TO THE CHANDALEIR HANGING FROM THE CEILING AND SWING IT AT HIM
I'm sorry, that's a good idea.
>USE INVENTORY TO CREATE A COMPLICATED ASSAULT WEAPON
The clouds are pretty outside.
>USE SWORD ON ENEMY
You use the sword. He dies.
>FUCKER.
Don't swear.
It's been a long time.
But you still haven't been able to find the shift key on your keyboard?
i don't know about him, but i drive an automatic keyboard.. i don't need to shift.