Slashdot Mirror
Games Should Be Like Female Orgasms
Gamers with Jobs has an excellent look at the pacing of games, and their resemblance to sexual response cycles. From the article: "The female sexual response cycle appears as a gradual (sometimes maddeningly so) upward slope from excitement to orgasm, with several 'false peaks' in the plateau region. Anyone who's ever performed cunnilingus while kneeling on a hardwood floor can attest to the validity of this representation. The male cycle differs radically. The transition from excitement to plateau in men is rather rapid, represented by a near-vertical line. The plateau stage is then almost horizontal for varying amounts of time (see: premature ejaculation) followed by another extremely rapid ascent into orgasm. Playing video games often reminds me of the above."
For months, Slashdot has been posting story after story trying to make itself more female friendly and to lure women into gaming.
Now, you've undone it all with this one crass story. Good job!
As if anybody here knows what a female orgasm is like. :)
Yeah, who has hardwood floors?
Show me on the doll where his noodly appendage touched you.
and in their mom's basement, no less?
No wait, I'm serious!!!
The flirting with the girl before, hum, getting wit'it, is like that of the game company saying: Woah, this game is gonna be the greatest! It's got a billion triangles all at once and with great gameplay... You do love great gameplay boy... Mmmm, ah, hehe, but not yet, noooo, not yet, gotta wait a little bit longer... How long? Until the game hits the shelves... When is that you ask? Ooooh naughty gamer, you can't wait can you... Maybe next month!!! Aha! But, hey, when you finally get your sweaty palms on it, you'll love it, yes, you'll love it, so save your money now, 'cuz, this biatching game won't be free, oooooh no suh-ree, this game is gonna cost ya! But hey, you'll love it! You'll see, it will definitely be worth the wait!!! Hey, come on boy, save your money for the game... Until then, you can fantasize about it, fanboi, and we'll keep you interested with sneak-peeks screenshots from GameSpy... Oh you naughty gamer, you can't wait to get your fingers on my awd keys...
Then, when the game is released, it's sort of like getting the girl, who's been all hot-to-trot up to that point into your seedy apartment and then suddenly it's all hard work: Come on, install, come on, I got to upgrade my DirectX before you'll play? Oh, come on, just a quickie game right now... What, my videocard isn't good enough for you? ow ow ow! Dont' say that! Oh, and my memory isn't fast enough? Oh please wait here while I go get it...
(on the way to local geek computer store) Dang, I was so looking forward to this...
(back at the crib, after $300 in expenses all installed in the machine) Oh, finally I get to play!!! Whoo Hooo baby come on!!!
(waching boring video intro) Dang, hey, I know, take your time, take your time, I'm waiting right here!!!
(Starting to play) Oh fuck this game sucks. I can't get any of the fancy moves I was hoping for, instead, I can barely move around and then I get knocked back down and gotta start over...
(trying to return game to store) I'm sorry Sir but there's no refund on opened games...
But, but, it didn't perform! I got cheated! It's a ripoff! I, I...
Store manager: Now son, you go and let these kind of games for the big boys.. Here, let me show you Playstation games...
Ohhh! Shiny packaging...
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Note: don't get all excited. It's only a game.
On an aside, this is probably why there aren't too many girl gamers. Different dynamics.
"Piter, too, is dead."