Slashdot Mirror
Games Should Be Like Female Orgasms
Gamers with Jobs has an excellent look at the pacing of games, and their resemblance to sexual response cycles. From the article: "The female sexual response cycle appears as a gradual (sometimes maddeningly so) upward slope from excitement to orgasm, with several 'false peaks' in the plateau region. Anyone who's ever performed cunnilingus while kneeling on a hardwood floor can attest to the validity of this representation. The male cycle differs radically. The transition from excitement to plateau in men is rather rapid, represented by a near-vertical line. The plateau stage is then almost horizontal for varying amounts of time (see: premature ejaculation) followed by another extremely rapid ascent into orgasm. Playing video games often reminds me of the above."
DO NOT LET Dr. Mario touch your genitals! He is NOT a real doctor!!!
Hack your mind out of its sandbox.
Best. Worded. Post. Evar.
For months, Slashdot has been posting story after story trying to make itself more female friendly and to lure women into gaming.
Now, you've undone it all with this one crass story. Good job!
As if anybody here knows what a female orgasm is like. :)
Now /. isn't even work safe for me! D'Oh!
Anyone who's ever performed cunnilingus while kneeling on a hardwood floor can attest to the validity of this representation.
Weeeell that pretty much excludes everyone who would actually be reading this article. ^_^
On a side note...what...the...fuck? Just....what the fuck....yeah I got nothin else.
The laws of probability forbid it!
Anyone who's ever performed cunnilingus while kneeling on a hardwood floor can attest to the validity of this representation.
Cue the 'but this is slashdot' jokes.
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur.
The lewdest and most disgusting submission I've ever read.
Do go on
I never spellcheck and I freely admit it. Save your karma for more worthwhile "lol erorrs" replies
Dude ... you really need to get out more, if you're connecting video games to orgasms.
"He who would learn astronomy, and other recondite arts, let him go elsewhere. " -- John Calvin, commenting on Genesis 1
There's a Nolan Bushnell interview linked to slashdot somewhere in the last two years where he talks about Atari's past and part of Breakout's design. He mentioned that one of the intentional goals, though the player didn't realize it, was to encourage the player to get the ball "stuck" so that the game would play by itself for a short while. The player gets a break from the paddle while watching the fireworks, feels a sense of accomplishment by getting the game to do that, and can get back into the game after that brief interlude.
They're saying that games should be impossible for most men to understand, considered "dirty" and "taboo" by a surprisingly large number of women, portrayed horribly incorrectly by popular and underground media, ranked as FAR WORSE THAN BRUTAL MURDERS by the 'conservative' factions (and heaven forbid six-year-old Billy should know about a game, when he could be watching healthy shows about cops brutalizing criminals brutalizing passerby brutalizing cops)...
This flies in the face of science.
Would the premature ejaculation of video games be when a game is so fun that you finish it within a week of purchase? (As I did with GTA:VC and GTA:SA) It was a lot of fun, but I felt cheated since I was just getting warmed up and BAM... it's over.
The thing I actually hate most is impotence. When you play a game that is loads of fun, but just as your getting into it you reach a spot that is impossibly difficult and frustrates the hell out of you because you just can't FINISH.
- "I swear, this has never happened to me before. I must be stressed."
Stop complaining, get off your ass, and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
But without Slashdot you will be totally alone... is that a smart move?
Yes, as it is the only way that any slashdotter including the "editor" Zonk would EVER know of such a thing. Clearly, this "story" is inspired by some sick geek porn of some kind. If it where not for porn and hookers, Zonk and his fellow "editors" would not even know what a pussy looked like, let alone cunnilingus.
"Who are in control, they are not in control of anything - they don't even control themselves!" - Glen Beck
Calm-o. Calm-o.
Please remember to take your ritalin tomorrow.
Paul Lenhart writes words!
Drew: "I'm thinking about playing that new game from Blizzard. If things go right I might be showing off my O-face. You know: WHOSYOURDADDY or better yet LEAFITTOME. Oh! Oh!"
I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate.
Can we please get rid of Zonk, already?
Seriously, please?
I know he can be filtered, but since he's come on board the other editors seem to have stopped posting. Probably because he posts approximately 5000 pointless and often duplicate articles EVERY SINGLE DAY and there's no longer room for anyone else. I've noticed lately he seems to be spreading his blob-like appendages into the other sections, a growing blight on an already blight-filled website.
Zonk: just because you read something online doesn't mean you have to post it.
I know I can't be the only one who feels this way. Feel free to chime in and we'll all ride the mod-o-vator to the basement together. Maybe we can give each other orgasms on the way down while we search for the elusive female gamer.
Ugh.
Now that we've got your attention, please read this story and post your comments so that we can increase ad impressions!
Looks like I'm gonna have to get myself a hardwood floor in the bedroom! ...For whenever I get someone in there that I could perform that specific act on...
Yes, I didn't understand the summary either, especially at this sentence: "Anyone who's ever performed cunnilingus while kneeling on a hardwood floor can attest to the validity of this representation." Huh? Zonk was probably masturbating when clicking Submit at there mere thought induced due to reading that sentence.
Now all the whiny politicians will latch onto this article and talk about how video games are sexual training exercises. Won't somebody think of the children?!?!
So if games should be like those female orgasms they should
1:) Take ages and be boring for male players
2:) be often faked
3:) Hard for us men to find the controls
4:) have many sequels
5:) be more approachable for solo players
6:) be featured in cosmopolitan constantly
Now are half those things , not things we would want to avoid in games
The only things certain in war are Propaganda and Death. You can never be sure which is which though
That was worse than the Katamari review posted a few weeks ago! It's just some pathetic attempt by some idiot to show off how much he thinks he knows about sex in the form of a badly written gaming article.
Everything should be like a female orgasm :D
I can't believe how many slashdot readers are offensed easily!! random quote : WTF is this? Random crap!! I hate slashdot! You've gone so low! You've lost a reader!! The guy is using a metaphor! He uses a quite common situation, the human pleasure cycle, which is the same (so they say) for every ppl of the same sex, to explain the problem there is with game that gets to difficult after some time, or that finish too rapidly!
I wouldn't mind you in my head, if you weren't so clearly mad -Lews Therin Telamon
I'm with you. It's not the material (I think it's actually rather clever). I'm most certainly not prudish, and the job I work at certainly doesn't care what material I see (it's right in my contract that I'll probably see objectionable material as part of my job) ... but just the crassness and overall deficit of worthwhile content on slashdot in favor of truly juvenile crap, with no aim toward being either news for nerds, or stuff that matters
I'll miss some people here, and perhaps an interesting story. But the net contribution of slashdot to my life is now negative.
cheers.
chuck nee snorklewacker nee scrytch
I am no longer wasting my time with slashdot
I think most people (guys, slashdot readers) might learn about cunnilingus by licking a girl's vagina. I doubt it's just me.
-Reid
I personally play Counter-Strike Source online mostly to reach a state of flow.
:D
The article talks about the buildup within the game from start to finish.
His ideal buildup is also the best way to gain the altered state of conciousness of flow, although I'm not sure his goal was the same as mine. He was probably just talking about having a smooth experience without unwelcome distractions.
In his view, so as a man, playing video games should be like "playing with a women to reach her orgasm". He literally said he'd like to do the same thing over and over again. In other words, a very long plateau.
I suspect that women, on the other hand, want to play games more like Wario Ware. They get bored more quickly with doing one and the same thing over and over. They'd rather play with one concept, go: "ok I get it, what's next" and then move on to the nose-picking mini-game.
So maybe men would like games to be like female sexual arousal graphs, meaning repetition of comparable experiences to get closer to flow.
And women would like games to be more like male sexual arousal graphs, meaning quick intense fixes of one concept and then moving on the the next.
This is just my personal theory though.
Any women in the audience who can comment on flow and excitement graphs?
P.S. As a man, I figured out how to stay at the plateau level for as long as I want
- -- Truth addict for life.
PROGRESS WITH DENISE
No wait, I'm serious!!!
The flirting with the girl before, hum, getting wit'it, is like that of the game company saying: Woah, this game is gonna be the greatest! It's got a billion triangles all at once and with great gameplay... You do love great gameplay boy... Mmmm, ah, hehe, but not yet, noooo, not yet, gotta wait a little bit longer... How long? Until the game hits the shelves... When is that you ask? Ooooh naughty gamer, you can't wait can you... Maybe next month!!! Aha! But, hey, when you finally get your sweaty palms on it, you'll love it, yes, you'll love it, so save your money now, 'cuz, this biatching game won't be free, oooooh no suh-ree, this game is gonna cost ya! But hey, you'll love it! You'll see, it will definitely be worth the wait!!! Hey, come on boy, save your money for the game... Until then, you can fantasize about it, fanboi, and we'll keep you interested with sneak-peeks screenshots from GameSpy... Oh you naughty gamer, you can't wait to get your fingers on my awd keys...
Then, when the game is released, it's sort of like getting the girl, who's been all hot-to-trot up to that point into your seedy apartment and then suddenly it's all hard work: Come on, install, come on, I got to upgrade my DirectX before you'll play? Oh, come on, just a quickie game right now... What, my videocard isn't good enough for you? ow ow ow! Dont' say that! Oh, and my memory isn't fast enough? Oh please wait here while I go get it...
(on the way to local geek computer store) Dang, I was so looking forward to this...
(back at the crib, after $300 in expenses all installed in the machine) Oh, finally I get to play!!! Whoo Hooo baby come on!!!
(waching boring video intro) Dang, hey, I know, take your time, take your time, I'm waiting right here!!!
(Starting to play) Oh fuck this game sucks. I can't get any of the fancy moves I was hoping for, instead, I can barely move around and then I get knocked back down and gotta start over...
(trying to return game to store) I'm sorry Sir but there's no refund on opened games...
But, but, it didn't perform! I got cheated! It's a ripoff! I, I...
Store manager: Now son, you go and let these kind of games for the big boys.. Here, let me show you Playstation games...
Ohhh! Shiny packaging...
----
Note: don't get all excited. It's only a game.
On an aside, this is probably why there aren't too many girl gamers. Different dynamics.
"Piter, too, is dead."
Nope, that's not it, it seems. I see that you're still posting 25 minutes later. And even in the same story.
So lame.
But I don't expect Slashdot to have the flavour of overhearing a bunch of drunken fratboys bragging about their latest conquests. I'm glad that Slashdot has the ability to filter out articles posted by particular editors. Zonk? *plonk*
For every problem, there is at least one solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.
I like playing games that exist.
... and not discussed on slashdot?
I know more than you drink.
Fictional, I mean.
"We shall grapple with the ineffable, and see if we may not eff it after all." - Douglas Adams
I'll say this was a real shock when i opened up the browesr to a normally clean site.
But I can see what the submitter was getting at. Most games start out slow, then bam you're tossed into this massive extended climax with no pause to rest.
A good game and story would start slow, hit some exciting points, relax abit, then burst with a full and exciting climax then calm again and cuddle you after complete the game.
"I couldn't say where its comin' from, but I just played a game called Dinah-Moe Humm..."
"Remember, there never were pineapple-almond cookies here."
Throw in a random "Google" for good measure.
~Belly
It would be excusable if the article managed to provide any useful insight through the analogy. But no, it's just the same old revelation that pacing a game well is hard to do, and many games get it wrong. But now it's wrapped up in the orgasm analogy to make it titillating (woo, I just said 'tit', huh huh), for the benefit of every teenager out there who wets himself at the mention of sex. Guess what, guys -- basically every human activity can be related or compared to sex in some way (...so in the beginning it's hard work, but I get into the swing of things, and I'm taking deductions here and stapling on W-2's there, then wow, I file my taxes and I get such a rush, and every time I do it I learn more tricks and it's easier!). But if it doesn't reveal any new insight, you're wasting your time.
Oh, and I almost forgot - the article author gets to make comments like this:
I'm not going to spend more than five words here bragging about how awesome I am in the sack. Suffice to say: I am.
Lovely. Flock this way, ladies, because a GIFT has just arrived for YOU, and it's from GOD.
Maybe you should do some research. Not many women are all that excited about getting their vagina licked.
/. ++
Thanks for the "nws" story, Slashdot!
rooooar
I no longer give a shit about videogames either
1) Your analysis is based on bad assumptions so your result is way off. 2) You're a sick bastard for fucking a horse.
Come on mod this up this was funny as hell. You summed it up way better than I did.
i got a little horny just reading the intro for this.
Of course, I've never quite had the courage to ask what her basis for comparison was :|
"He who would learn astronomy, and other recondite arts, let him go elsewhere. " -- John Calvin, commenting on Genesis 1
Best Slashdot story ever
The bathroom is down the hall. Please wash your hands before you, er, come back.
"Who are in control, they are not in control of anything - they don't even control themselves!" - Glen Beck
The word "plateau" means a level area, you dumbass. You can't have peaks in a plateau and describing a plateau as horizontal is like describing a mountain as big - completely redundant and if you know what the word "mountain" means.
No, it is YOU who misunderstand (although the story is about as stupid as it gets). He is saying it may seem that you are about to peak, but in foact you are still in the plateau.
"Who are in control, they are not in control of anything - they don't even control themselves!" - Glen Beck
One of my favorite jokes, with 3 different punch lines, depending how woman-friendly I'm feeling:
Man 1: Do you know how to tell if a woman is having an orgasm?
Man 2: No.
Man 1: Who cares?
Man 1: Do you know how to tell if a woman is having an orgasm?
Man 2: No.
Man 1: Yeah, I figured as much.
Man 1: Do you know how to tell if a woman is having an orgasm?
Man 2: No.
Man 1: Ask her.
Software sucks. Open Source sucks less.
So I should blame any future sexual dysfunction caused by gender confusion on the Atari 5200 and Super Breakout?
Did Grand Theft Auto undue the damage or was that just crass overcompensation?
The way I see it, Bushnell just made himself liable for an entire generation's sexual frustrations. Breakout will now replace Asbestos in high-paying AdSense keywords. If nothing else, I could turn it into a Law & Order script to pay for the enormous lawye^H^H^H^H^Htherapist bill. Hopefully any symptoms will occur before "Law & Order: Class Action Suit" goes into syndication in 2020. I'm sure they'll buy it if the real courts won't.
Today's legal sarcasm brought to you by McScribly's: purveyor of archival quality legal pads; harvested from the finest genuine iguana skin. When your billing $500 an hour, nothing less is acceptable.
Arrogance is Confidence which lacks integrity. -- me
I don't need this kind of garbage when I go to a place for TECH NEWS.
You consider the mere mention of a female orgasm to be "garbage"? You're going to be a real prize for some lucky lady, aren't you?
If "Games Should Be Like Female Orgasms," why are the most popular games first person shooters?
Jesus Christ! What is going on with /.?!? Cunnilingus on a hardwood floor makes game news??? I've never been shocked by some shit I've seen on a news website like I was with this story. Yes, I've seen Goatse and Bathtub girl... but they've never been front page news.
/. editors? This makes it for news these days, eh?
What in the hell is wrong with
http://teasphere.wordpress.com - A little spot of tea
A good comparison between the length of a game and the length of time it takes a woman to reach forbidding x-tasy would be morrowind, yea, that game takes a long time, in fact I have owned the game for years and still haven't beaten the main storyline, about the same time it take to pleasure a woman.
nuff said.
I suppose since you're not reading this anymore its safe to refer to you as the dick-in-hand anti-slashdot fuckhead.
"Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle..."
Normally I'd agree, but "dick-in-hand"??? This guy is so repressed he probably sits down to pee just so he doesn't have to look at his own penis.
It's sex, not the end of the fucking world.
"Mass murder". "Genocide". "Sex".
How in the world does the last word bother you MORE than the first two? Does a female orgasm really send you into such a fit that you not only feel the compulsion to stop coming here, but also to post about it? Is fucking REALLY that juvenile to you?
How about you sit down, take a few breaths, and fucking relax, alright? It's alright. You're not the only one with completely ridiculous priorities in this world.
Do you find it objectionable that the progression of sexual excitement during sex can apparently readily be compared to another form of progressive excitement? Both are functions of the human brain. tell me again: how is this not relevant, stuff that matters, and interesting.
Some replies in this discussion say roughly:
I'm not prudish, but this is total garbage, I'm never coming here again! So there!"
Who's being immature and juvenile?
True confidence comes not from realising you are as good as your peers, but that your peers are as bad as you are.
101. My video games never say "I have a headache."
100. Video games never give you an STD. Well, okay, Ms Pacman did. That bitch.
99. Video games don't require a condom. Although GTA San Andreas ought to...
...
Back on topic: The article mentions the sudden show-stopper that some games have, and I have to agree. It's probably the most frustrating thing that can happen in a game when nothing new happens, and progress is only past a string of delicate button-twitching. Now, some games are based on that, but that's ok. What's bad is when the difficulty curve goes up like a rocket without warning, or reason for that matter.
Actually, I find it refreshing when the next Boss enemy happens to be easier than the previous one, it gives a kind of breather while bolstering confidence. I'm playing Castlevania right now, and one really neat thing is that there are a lot of bosses. Not big ones, but reasonable ones, and I sometimes can choose which one I go to. Some are easy and go on the first try, while some take 5 tries of sweat before barely making it. Of course, leveling up a bit helps before, but I also have a choice:
If I'm continually wasted by an enemy, I can go somewhere else, where there's more fun things to do. This is a Good Thing.
True confidence comes not from realising you are as good as your peers, but that your peers are as bad as you are.
Are pleasure cycles and the human orgasm not the subject of serious scientific study? Is it offensive to you that we have collected good, solid data on the subject and discovered that it might be applied to another field?
they got it all wrong. Female orgasms should be more like video games.
"Female Orgasms Should Be Like Games."
I think most people (guys, slashdot readers) might learn about cunnilingus by licking a girl's vagina. I doubt it's just me.
How did that learning go? After 10 minutes of her laying there being bored did she finally break it to you that are not doing anything? You need to move that tongue a few centimeters north champ.
I have to agree. I haven't been back to /. for a while because the quality of pretty much everything has gone down.
Mow I come back to - this?
Seriously, if I want to hear about cunnilingus I talk to the guys at work, my fiancee or her friends. I don't need this sort of thing here, it's a waste of my time.
Quoth the server, "404."
Gamers with Jobs should be Gamers without Girlfriends.
Great, now he'll use a compass...
Justice is the sheep getting arrested while an impartial judge declares the vote void.
It was actually meant as a joke (hence the "Do go on" comment)..I honestly don't know how it got modded as Insightful.
I never spellcheck and I freely admit it. Save your karma for more worthwhile "lol erorrs" replies
Games should be mythical and nonexistant?
1. Anyone who thinks it's immature or offensive or juvenile to talk about the female (or male) orgasm is immature and downright offensive to the rest of the (sane, non-puritanical) world's sensabilities. The article makes a valid point and the submission is very frank and mature. If you hear schoolchildren laughing when you read this submission, it's only because YOU need to grow the fuck up. Pleasure is pleasure, and this is an interesting (and IMO at least half-right) comparison.
2. I cannot believe no one has mentioned REZ yet. Speaking as a geek who has a geek GF, I think that sex and videogames should be used in the same sentence much more often.
As a female gamer (yes we exist, on /. and elsewhere), I most wholeheartedly concur.
Also, if you're "racing to the finish line" with your gf instead of actually enjoying yourself, it may explain why you're dateless. Slow and steady wins the race, my friends.
Do not disturb. Already disturbed. http://www.teaaddictedgeek.com