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Games Should Be Like Female Orgasms
Gamers with Jobs has an excellent look at the pacing of games, and their resemblance to sexual response cycles. From the article: "The female sexual response cycle appears as a gradual (sometimes maddeningly so) upward slope from excitement to orgasm, with several 'false peaks' in the plateau region. Anyone who's ever performed cunnilingus while kneeling on a hardwood floor can attest to the validity of this representation. The male cycle differs radically. The transition from excitement to plateau in men is rather rapid, represented by a near-vertical line. The plateau stage is then almost horizontal for varying amounts of time (see: premature ejaculation) followed by another extremely rapid ascent into orgasm. Playing video games often reminds me of the above."
DO NOT LET Dr. Mario touch your genitals! He is NOT a real doctor!!!
Hack your mind out of its sandbox.
For months, Slashdot has been posting story after story trying to make itself more female friendly and to lure women into gaming.
Now, you've undone it all with this one crass story. Good job!
As if anybody here knows what a female orgasm is like. :)
There's a Nolan Bushnell interview linked to slashdot somewhere in the last two years where he talks about Atari's past and part of Breakout's design. He mentioned that one of the intentional goals, though the player didn't realize it, was to encourage the player to get the ball "stuck" so that the game would play by itself for a short while. The player gets a break from the paddle while watching the fireworks, feels a sense of accomplishment by getting the game to do that, and can get back into the game after that brief interlude.
They're saying that games should be impossible for most men to understand, considered "dirty" and "taboo" by a surprisingly large number of women, portrayed horribly incorrectly by popular and underground media, ranked as FAR WORSE THAN BRUTAL MURDERS by the 'conservative' factions (and heaven forbid six-year-old Billy should know about a game, when he could be watching healthy shows about cops brutalizing criminals brutalizing passerby brutalizing cops)...
This flies in the face of science.
Yeah, who has hardwood floors?
Show me on the doll where his noodly appendage touched you.
But without Slashdot you will be totally alone... is that a smart move?
Can we please get rid of Zonk, already?
Seriously, please?
I know he can be filtered, but since he's come on board the other editors seem to have stopped posting. Probably because he posts approximately 5000 pointless and often duplicate articles EVERY SINGLE DAY and there's no longer room for anyone else. I've noticed lately he seems to be spreading his blob-like appendages into the other sections, a growing blight on an already blight-filled website.
Zonk: just because you read something online doesn't mean you have to post it.
I know I can't be the only one who feels this way. Feel free to chime in and we'll all ride the mod-o-vator to the basement together. Maybe we can give each other orgasms on the way down while we search for the elusive female gamer.
Ugh.
So if games should be like those female orgasms they should
1:) Take ages and be boring for male players
2:) be often faked
3:) Hard for us men to find the controls
4:) have many sequels
5:) be more approachable for solo players
6:) be featured in cosmopolitan constantly
Now are half those things , not things we would want to avoid in games
The only things certain in war are Propaganda and Death. You can never be sure which is which though
I personally play Counter-Strike Source online mostly to reach a state of flow.
:D
The article talks about the buildup within the game from start to finish.
His ideal buildup is also the best way to gain the altered state of conciousness of flow, although I'm not sure his goal was the same as mine. He was probably just talking about having a smooth experience without unwelcome distractions.
In his view, so as a man, playing video games should be like "playing with a women to reach her orgasm". He literally said he'd like to do the same thing over and over again. In other words, a very long plateau.
I suspect that women, on the other hand, want to play games more like Wario Ware. They get bored more quickly with doing one and the same thing over and over. They'd rather play with one concept, go: "ok I get it, what's next" and then move on to the nose-picking mini-game.
So maybe men would like games to be like female sexual arousal graphs, meaning repetition of comparable experiences to get closer to flow.
And women would like games to be more like male sexual arousal graphs, meaning quick intense fixes of one concept and then moving on the the next.
This is just my personal theory though.
Any women in the audience who can comment on flow and excitement graphs?
P.S. As a man, I figured out how to stay at the plateau level for as long as I want
- -- Truth addict for life.
PROGRESS WITH DENISE
and in their mom's basement, no less?
No wait, I'm serious!!!
The flirting with the girl before, hum, getting wit'it, is like that of the game company saying: Woah, this game is gonna be the greatest! It's got a billion triangles all at once and with great gameplay... You do love great gameplay boy... Mmmm, ah, hehe, but not yet, noooo, not yet, gotta wait a little bit longer... How long? Until the game hits the shelves... When is that you ask? Ooooh naughty gamer, you can't wait can you... Maybe next month!!! Aha! But, hey, when you finally get your sweaty palms on it, you'll love it, yes, you'll love it, so save your money now, 'cuz, this biatching game won't be free, oooooh no suh-ree, this game is gonna cost ya! But hey, you'll love it! You'll see, it will definitely be worth the wait!!! Hey, come on boy, save your money for the game... Until then, you can fantasize about it, fanboi, and we'll keep you interested with sneak-peeks screenshots from GameSpy... Oh you naughty gamer, you can't wait to get your fingers on my awd keys...
Then, when the game is released, it's sort of like getting the girl, who's been all hot-to-trot up to that point into your seedy apartment and then suddenly it's all hard work: Come on, install, come on, I got to upgrade my DirectX before you'll play? Oh, come on, just a quickie game right now... What, my videocard isn't good enough for you? ow ow ow! Dont' say that! Oh, and my memory isn't fast enough? Oh please wait here while I go get it...
(on the way to local geek computer store) Dang, I was so looking forward to this...
(back at the crib, after $300 in expenses all installed in the machine) Oh, finally I get to play!!! Whoo Hooo baby come on!!!
(waching boring video intro) Dang, hey, I know, take your time, take your time, I'm waiting right here!!!
(Starting to play) Oh fuck this game sucks. I can't get any of the fancy moves I was hoping for, instead, I can barely move around and then I get knocked back down and gotta start over...
(trying to return game to store) I'm sorry Sir but there's no refund on opened games...
But, but, it didn't perform! I got cheated! It's a ripoff! I, I...
Store manager: Now son, you go and let these kind of games for the big boys.. Here, let me show you Playstation games...
Ohhh! Shiny packaging...
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Note: don't get all excited. It's only a game.
On an aside, this is probably why there aren't too many girl gamers. Different dynamics.
"Piter, too, is dead."
... and not discussed on slashdot?
I know more than you drink.
It would be excusable if the article managed to provide any useful insight through the analogy. But no, it's just the same old revelation that pacing a game well is hard to do, and many games get it wrong. But now it's wrapped up in the orgasm analogy to make it titillating (woo, I just said 'tit', huh huh), for the benefit of every teenager out there who wets himself at the mention of sex. Guess what, guys -- basically every human activity can be related or compared to sex in some way (...so in the beginning it's hard work, but I get into the swing of things, and I'm taking deductions here and stapling on W-2's there, then wow, I file my taxes and I get such a rush, and every time I do it I learn more tricks and it's easier!). But if it doesn't reveal any new insight, you're wasting your time.
Oh, and I almost forgot - the article author gets to make comments like this:
I'm not going to spend more than five words here bragging about how awesome I am in the sack. Suffice to say: I am.
Lovely. Flock this way, ladies, because a GIFT has just arrived for YOU, and it's from GOD.
Maybe you should do some research. Not many women are all that excited about getting their vagina licked.
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If "Games Should Be Like Female Orgasms," why are the most popular games first person shooters?