Dvorak on Microsoft Confusing the Market

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Dvorak on Microsoft Confusing the Market

Posted by Zonk on Tuesday September 13, 2005 @07:24AM from the funny-dvorak-article-blink-and-you'll-miss-it dept.

DigitalDame2 writes "With news of there being 7 Vista editions, PC Magazine Columnist John C. Dvorak takes a hilarious spin on the different Vistas with some recommendations of his own. How about the Vista Porn Edition? All the great porn sites would be pre-bookmarked. Gamer Case-Mod Edition? It can be ultraoptimized for games with a blinking hard-drive light. You can even go as far as the Microsoft Vista for Costco Customers: the Cheaper Edition."

19 of 456 comments (clear)

Hmm by NanoGator · 2005-09-13 07:26 · Score: 5, Funny

"How about the Vista Porn Edition?"

Go on....

--
"Derp de derp."
1. Re:Hmm by wo1verin3 · 2005-09-13 08:17 · Score: 5, Funny
  
  Reminds me of a tech support call from 5 years ago.
  
  The guy kept complaining since he visited a certain website a little animated woman was dancing on his task bar and offering him more pictures of her for $30.
  
  I thought about this for a moment and asked...
  
  "For $35 I'll help you remove her but for only $30 you can have more pictures... you're sure you want to go ahead with this?"
Other Versiona by gbulmash · 2005-09-13 07:26 · Score: 4, Funny

Perhaps they could have a Microsoft Vista "n00b" edition with a one-click link to AOL and a special "me too!" button on the keyboard.
Then there would be the Microsoft Vista "Infect Me" edition with a special version of Outlook that automatically opens all attachments.
Add to that the "Miriam Abacha" edition which sends all your banking info to Nigeria.
My favorite would be the Vista "Office Gamer" edition which includes 25 variations on Solitaire.
- Greg

--
Start a happiness pandemic
1. Re:Other Versiona by kai.chan · 2005-09-13 07:37 · Score: 4, Funny
  
  Then there would be the Microsoft Vista "Infect Me" edition
  
  Dude, the "Infect Me" edition comes bundled with all other Vista editions for free!
2. Re:Other Versiona by daniil · 2005-09-13 07:42 · Score: 5, Funny
  
  How about Vista Dvorak edition? It would try -- and always fail -- to predict what you want to do, and then "do" it. The only way to turn this option off would be to wipe the hard disk.
  
  --
  Man is a slave because freedom is difficult, whereas slavery is easy.
3. Re:Other Versiona by $RANDOMLUSER · 2005-09-13 08:08 · Score: 4, Funny
  
  Well, personally, I think the Vista Dvorak Edition should look more like this, with every other clause randomly and pointlessly bolded.
  But that's just my opinion I could be wrong.
  
  --
  No folly is more costly than the folly of intolerant idealism. - Winston Churchill
Porn Edition Already Exists by deutschemonte · 2005-09-13 07:27 · Score: 5, Funny

Just install XP w/o service packs or a firewall.

You'll have a computer loaded with porn (pop-ups) in no time.

--
The preceding message was based on actual events. Only the names, locations and events have been changed.
Another Edition Request... by Kjuib · 2005-09-13 07:27 · Score: 4, Funny

How about a Vaporware Edition?!

--
- Your stupidity got you into this mess, why can't it get you out? -Will Rogers
Hmm.... by tktk · 2005-09-13 07:28 · Score: 4, Funny

How about a Blacklist Dvorak edition? One where the OS censors any mention of him?
I'd almost be willing to pay for that.
Re:Ain't it funny? by nb+caffeine · 2005-09-13 07:30 · Score: 5, Funny

at least they got SOMETHING working crossplatform :)

--

"Something's wrong with you...and I hope we never do meet again." - Deftones When Girls Telephone Boys
Makes sense really... by Drasil · 2005-09-13 07:33 · Score: 4, Funny

..., if you are Microsoft. The world is screaming out for choice when it comes to operating systems, this is Microsoft's way of giving it to them.
Ballmer (obligatory chair throwing) by putko · 2005-09-13 07:42 · Score: 5, Funny

ZONK: They see through your market segmentation strategy. I'm quitting.

Ballmer: Anybody but Dvorak. Just tell me it isn't fucking Dvorak who sees through my segmentation strategy.

ZONK: Yes, it's Dvorak. He sees right through it. And he says your Kung Fu is shit.

(chair flies through air) CRASH!

Ballmer: Dvorak is a fucking PUSSY! I will kill Dvorak. I've killed all the other media bitches and will so fucking kill Dvorak!

--
http://www.thebricktestament.com/the_law/when_to_s tone_your_children/dt21_18a.html
Bad Joke Warning by RealityMogul · 2005-09-13 07:42 · Score: 5, Funny

If you take Dvorak's Kiddie Edition, and bundle it with the Porn Edition, do you call it the... no... wait... I just can't go through with it.
Re:Good informative link by hcob$ · 2005-09-13 07:47 · Score: 5, Funny

Gotta love the conceptual diagram:

Vista Enterprise: "Optimized for the Enterprise"

So.... is that NCC-1701, NCC-1701A, NCC-1701B, NCC-1701C, NCC-1701D, or NCC-1701E?

--
Cliff Claven
K.E.G. Party Chairman
Founding Leader of: Koncerned for Egalitarin Governance
Windows Vista: Slashdot Edition by 8127972 · 2005-09-13 07:48 · Score: 5, Funny

This version moderates your documents and has a Zonk process that dupes your files needlessly.

--
This is my opinion. To make sure you don't steal it, it's covered by the DMCA.
Re:Let's see the spin on this one... by squiggleslash · 2005-09-13 07:53 · Score: 4, Funny

Well, in fairness, it's not as if it's one person coming up with all the GNU/Linux distributions. At least 30% of them are done by independent parties, such as ObscurIX, WinclonUX, M$Sux, and Slackware.
The rest of them are maintained by Bruce Perens.
I actually had a CD with Dvorak on it, but all it had on it was an awful, tedious, symphony. I assume it was a Mac distro requiring a non-Beige G3 or better because it was marked "New World".

--
You are not alone. This is not normal. None of this is normal.
Christianity is a rather broad umbrella by brokeninside · 2005-09-13 08:11 · Score: 4, Funny

You'd have a few sub editions:

Vista Reformed Edition: once saved, always saved.

Vista Millenial Edition: never saves in preperation for the end times.

Vista Catholic Edition: you need to perform your penance before you can save.

Vista Jabez Edition: once you save, you get rich.

Vista Eastern Orthodox Edition: you never know whether you've saved.

Vista Watchtower Edition: you have to save all your neighbors' files before your files are saved.
Re:No such thing by Quinn_Inuit · 2005-09-13 08:12 · Score: 5, Funny

That's like critiquing next year's pop bands today.
Well, that's not very hard, now, is it?
For instance, the boy band is going to be somewhat effeminate and very popular with young girls. It'll be a shame that none of them can play instruments, but their androgynous crooning will win them the hearts of many.
The edgy female punk/pop singer, OTOH, will be a big hit with the high school goth crowd despite her questionable singing voice and constant fights with her band members, most of whom are more talented than her.
The country music phenom of the year's hit song, "American to the bone" will be a gritty, patriotic anthem of the NASCAR dads in the country, but later albums will reveal that they only bought this one because of the picture of the singer and his supermodel wife on the cover.
See? I've got all my snarky pop culture commentary out of the way for the whole year. Sweet!

--

Stop learning! Only you can prevent esoterrorism.
Re:Good informative link by still+cynical · 2005-09-13 08:29 · Score: 4, Funny

"N-C-C-1-7-0-1. No bloody A, B, C, or D."

--
Ignorance is the root of all evil.