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Get Out of Voice Menu Pergatory
renx99 writes "I don't know about you, but I hate calling tech support, and the worst if the wait. Paul English felt the same way and has put together a list of shortcuts on how to get to a human quickly. If enough people bypass these phone systems, maybe the big companies will finally get a clue and start providing real customer service again..."
for a poke in the eye with a sharp stick press 2
for another menu of annoying options, press 9.
Sent from my ASR33 using ASCII
Left, Up, Left, Left, A, B, Y, Select, Start
Get out of spelling pergatory... Get an automated spell checker already! =)
Throughout 2003 and 2004 I had a cellphone account with AT&T Wireless here in Seattle.
Everytime my bill would show up with more charges than I expected (i.e. every month) I'd call the 800 number and would have to listen to many many many minutes of a woman with a croaky "I'm so up-beat and busy I'm losing my voice" voice talk about all the really great services that AT&T Wireless had to offer, all put to some jangly disgusting up-beat "boy band" pop soundtrack.
They used the same voice and music for almost two years and I swear it nearly drove me insane.
The problem was there was no way to avoid having to listen to croaky becuase you had to listen attentively for a human to pick up the call and feebly attempt to fix the problem.
Sometimes I'd have to listen to this stuff for 20 or thirty minutes at a time.
There is a happy ending however. AT&T Wireless got bought by Cingular and the croaky voice, and music, have gone forever because all the bugs with my bill seem to have been fixed so I don't have to call anymore.
Thank you to whoever fixed my bill.
Use on of those business directories, and then phone the Head guy of Custom Services directly, in his office. Just as he's about to leave. Then speak polity but firmly, with authority, don't question that you are on his private line and simply demand what you want to be done. Works a treat. Be the king.
Or was that something else.
Meh.
They'd move it to the front of the queue.
What's this customer service thing I keep hearing about?
None of the secret phrases was "xyzzy"
"I think I read somewhere that on some voice menu systems, a swear word will get you connected to a human. I definitely tried it once, and it did indeed work."
Cool, so all we need to do is say "fuck" in Bengali, Gujarati, Hindi, Kashmiri, Kannada, Konkani, Malayalam, Marathi, Oriya, Punjabi, Sindhii, Tamill, Telugu and Urdu.
Hello, you have reached the Springfield police department. If you know the number of the crime being commited, press it now!
[Bart presses randomly]
You have chosen "regicide"! If you know the name of the king or queen being assinated, press 1!
You can't take the sky from me...
When I was 15 or so, I helped a friend set up her family's ADSL connection. They'd chosen an ISP which I wouldn't have recommended myself, so I innocently inquired why they'd chosen it. The mother says, "Oh, I work for them, so we get a pretty good price", upon which I ask "Oh really? What do you do there?" "I'm in tech support." ... "Oh..." She must have sensed what I was thinking, because she blurted out "Uhm, you see, we haven't gotten the scripts for this yet." Kinda says something about the tech support when the people who are supposed to tell you how to do something can't even do it themselves.
Lalala
I hear you. I am a doctor, and I just hate talking to sick people. They always whine that something hurts, or even worse - they bleed all over you. Geez, if you want to talk to someone, just make sure that you don't have bones sticking out of you.
Hello! Thank you for calling.
If you are obsessive-compulsive press 1 repeatedly
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone else to press 2 for you
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 & 6
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, please stay on the line
so we can trace your call and persecute you.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic depressive, press whichever number you like, no-one will answer you.
If you are dyslexic, press 69696969696969696969696.
If you have amnesia, press 8, followed by your date of birth, your social security number, home phone number, the square root of 1,555,666,777,888 and your tax code followed by the atomic number for Uranium.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have BI-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, for god's sake wait for the beep.
If you are suffering from short-term memory loss, please press 9.
If you are suffering from short-term memory loss, please press 9.
If you are suffering from short-term memory loss, please press 9.
If you are suffering from short-term memory loss, please press 9.
If you are suffering from short-term memory loss, please press 9.
If you have low self esteem, go away, no one can be bothered to talk to you anyway.
To err is human. To forgive is not company policy.