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Dvorak Rants on CSS
John Dvorak writes on CSS after working on redesigning his weblog, the article ended up being extremely funny. From the write-up:
As we move into the age of Vista, multimedia's domination on the desktop, and Web sites controlled by cascading style sheets running under improved browsers, when will someone wake up and figure out that none of this stuff works at all?!
Ah yes, material for years.
Dark Reflection
The only reason I use CSS is because color coordination does not run in my genes.
Whycome when Dvorak troll he gets linked to and when I trolls I get modded down?
Dat jus not fair.
Cast:
...
John Dvorak: played by a angry, crying, screaming Horatio Sanz
Normal Human: played by you (unless you are John Dvorak)
Dvorak: CSS IS STUPID!! I CAN'T MAKE IT WORK SO IT SUCKS!!! STUPID STANDARDS BODIES!!! WHY DON'T THEY MAKE ALL THE BROWSERS WORK THE SAME?!?!? WHY!?!?!
Normal Human: Uhm, John. The standards bodies aren't in charge of the browsers. And lot's of people use CSS on sites that look practically identical on all the major browsers.
Bvorak: NO THEY DON'T. I CAN'T MAKE IT WORK, SO IT SUCKS!!!
Normal Human: Maybe if you bought a good book on CSS. Something by Eric Meyer...
DVORAK!: BUT IT CASCADES!!!
Normal Human: It's suppopsed to cascade. Just calm down.
DVORAK!!!: A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!!!!
Normal Human:
DVORAK!?!?!: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!
Normal Human: I hate you.
If your Internet connection happens to lose a bit of CSS data, you get a mess on your screen.
When does that happen? When the web server times out because the CSS is too big to host out? Or when Dvorak's AOL connection kicks him off because his free 100 minutes has run out?
C'mon...
09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0
"As most readers know, I'm a blogger."
That's like saying, "As most readers know, I am a computer operator."
CSS stands for Conspicuously Sketchy Sheets
Here's a tutorial John - http://www.w3schools.com/css/css_intro.asp
He who knows best knows how little he knows. - Thomas Jefferson
If the user's running IE, redirect to a page that says something to the effect of:
Turnabout is, after all, fair play.
Fascism starts when the efficiency of the government becomes more important than the rights of the people.
wtf does that imply? and wtf does it have to do with CSS? and wtf is this stuff that matters?
It's a logical necessity. Starting with "As we approach the age of Vista" logically predicates the following statements on the assumption we are approaching an "Age of Vista".
This allows us to say anything we please, because of the well known logical rule having to do with statements predicated on falsehood.
Example:
"As we approach the Age of Vista, engines powered by quantum singularities willreplace internal combustion."
"But, the internal combustion engine is still here!"
"Is it the Age of Vista?" "No."
"Well, then."
Post may contain irony: discontinue use if experiencing mood swings, nausea or elevated blood pressure.
...or maybe the inanity, your choice. He mentions Vista and CSS in the same sentence, and then focuses on CSS for a rant about things that don't work?
Tired of FB/Google censorship? Visit UNCENSORED!
It's when there's a hole in one of the tubes, all the CSS starts to leak out.
Bogtha Bogtha Bogtha
Baby Jesus cries :'-(
This marks the day Dvorak realized the same frustrations of myspace kids everywhere. Hell, he even wrote a blog complaining about it.
"Dear Diary,
I don't understand why CSS won't work on my site! OMG, all I want to do is make every div tag on my page 50% transparent, why does it slow things down so much?? Sometimes I think everyone's out to get me. In the end I ended up using Tom's myspace editor, but now I have a link to his page on my page and I don't know how to get rid of it. I hate my life.
-J.D."
Personally I don't need random stock photos of smiling people with dreadlocks and thick rimmed plastic glasses using laptops to use a website. Or Flash.
You will obey the commands of the Director of Marketing in this, and in all things! Our data shows that the public is not interested in clear, intuitive navigation; nay, they require smileys that appear to trail behind their mouse pointer when it moves! Smileys they shall have, for it has been deemed most Profitable and Right in the eyes of our Lord CEO, He Who Knows All Despite What the IT Dept. Tells Him. He likes the company jingle to play when the pages load, and so does his wife. Praise Him!
The House Between - Original Sci-Fi Series
- His articles are cascading. I mean, it starts sucking at the top, and the further I delve into it, the more it sucks. And if my web browsers looses some of his article, then all hell breaks loose on the suckiness.
- His articles don't follow the standards. Typically, and article posted online is supposed to be interesting, informative, and be written by a well educated man. This article follows none of those standards.
- His article was supposed to be dynamic. But every time I read the damn thing it's stil the same old boring Sh!t.