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Household Technology Rules for Kids?
An anonymous reader asks: "My wife and I are in the process of adopting kids- We're hoping to adopt older boys (8 and up) from within the US. We've gone through the state mandated courses, but those courses don't really cover how to limit the kids with respect to technology (the Internet, TV content filtering, cell phones, MP3 players, etc). The latest strong potential son is a 14 year old child that is computer aware. I do not want to completely shelter the child, but I do want to establish boundaries- for example, I'm not going to install filtering software on his computer, but the computer will be in a public place in the house." How would you control a child's exposure to new technologies, especially when a few of those technologies are bundled with inherent dangers in addition to their great advantages (like the Internet)?
"I want to give him the freedom to learn and be creative, but also try to avoid the nastiness on the net (like the RIAA). I want him to have the freedom not just to play on the computer, but to truly use it. From everything I've been told about the kids in the foster system, they do best with a structured environment- something predictable and stable, so I think a set of rules for him to start with would be good. I'm asking for some ideas for appropriate rules/boundaries for kids, including things to watch for, and appropriate punishments (something akin to 'you broke the server, so you'll have to rebuild it, with dad's help')."
Don't bother even trying, you'll just make a fool out of yourself. Your kids already know about everything you think they shouldn't.
Heck, my mother thinks I (who am 23 years old with long term significant other) shouldn't be using the Internet at night in case I find pornography.
Putting all PCs in a common room will strongly limit a child's desire to download dubious material. Do this both ways: use your own PC only in family areas of the house.
The real "Libtards" are the Libertarians!
Every time the kid uses vi instead of emacs, he has to go stand in the corner for an hour!
damn... good way to prep the future generations for the police state...expecting authority figures to have full access to your entire life at any time for any reason. And mainting any privacy is instant cause for guilty status.
* We dance where angels fear to tread *
It's called parenting. It involves spending lots of time with your kids. Every day. Talking to them. Listening to them. And enforcing and adjusting the limits and boundaries based on that.
There is no other solution.
--MarkusQ
I hate the idea of filters, key stroke loggers, etc. What are you going to do with the results? Telling the kid you caught them doing "x" also reveals the fact that you are monitoring them. My geeky answer has worked for me. I run a squid proxy server in the house. I showed my son how cool it was that I could generate reports on all websites visited, etc. He got the message. Twice in four years I've had to sit him down and say "x" is not OK and no - normal people don't do "a", "b" or "c" - especially with barnyard animals.
Careful though, if he hides things well and you go through some serious steps to find it, he may look at that the wrong way. A trust issue maybe? I honestly cannot say, but just be aware of it I guess.
Invexi - a Phoenix, AZ based web design and web development company.
Since you're adopting a teenager, you're going to have a radically different experience than everyone else here. I don't have kids, but I have two nieces, one foster and one adopted (14 and 7), and there are a lot of things different from what my parents had to deal with from my brother and I.
Since you aren't starting with a child from birth, you have to go through a period of actually getting to know them before you can really decide what kind of rules there need to be. Talk to them, and find out what they know already, and what they're used to, and work from there. A 14 year old new to your family isn't going to react well to arbitrary rules, especially if they're radically different from what he's used to. Anything that's much different from his normal should be explained. You don't have to explain everything, obviously, but you need to be open with them on the reasons for things that they may not agree with.
I recommend keeping the electronic entertainment in common areas, but that's more of a spending time together thing. The last thing you want to do with a newly adopted kid is to encourage them to spend time away from the rest of the family. Give them space, but make sure that they've got some draw to be out and about with everyone else.
If your kid is okay with this, then expect him to live with you until he's 45. Because he has absolutely no need for an independent identity, and therefore little incentive to seek any independence at all.
If your kid is normal, on the other hand, expect nightly screaming matches, much sneaking off to use the 'net at libraries or at friends' houses, and probably a serious bid for emancipated minor status at the age of sixteen.
You sound like the sort of parent who gives his kids rigid boundaries, while giving himself no boundaries at all.
In short, no child could live with this, no child should have to live with this, and if you succeed in your aims you'll most likely turn the kid into a self-destructive partier the moment he's out of your sight. Open, honest communication beats ironfisted control any day.
You want the truthiness? You can't handle the truthiness!
No, don't you understand, the GP's draconian measures will help breed the child to subvert such measures in the future. If he starts now by hacking the admin password, using seperate browser profiles for dubious surfing, or maintaining a secret email address, he will be prepared tommorow to use Tor to post political dissents to his blog hosted on a machine in Sweden.
(I don't know wether this deserves a sarcasm tag. I want to go for it, but right now I have a little pessimistic voice inside me saying "Maybe... just maybe.")
If this signature is witty enough, maybe somebody will like me.
For a child of 14 this sounds extreme. Just put the computer in a public place, and keep an eye on it. Wander up frequently (to start with) and say "What'ya doing?" be curious, and not accusational. You're on slashdot, you know technically how to control his access. But the OP wasn't asking that, he was asking for rules, and boundaries, to be enforced parentally not technologically.
I would say you could go about this two ways:
One:
- Let him have his own account on the computer, his own email address, etc...
- Impose limits on WHEN he is allowed to use it (only for 1 hour after school, or 2 hours after dinner providing homework is done, or whatever time limit you think best)
Two:
- Have a single account on the computer, which the entire family shares, let him have his personal email address.
- Have the computer in a communal place in the house. Somewhere where there's normally people around. Make it social.
Contrary to what the parent says, there's no point in having a monitored email account, if he wants to avoid being watched, he'll get a hotmail account or something.
Option 1 provides freedom, but a limited time - it provides a structure which the OP says was desirable. The last thing you want is a teenager BORED in front of a computer. That's when they start going to look for the dubious stuff.
Option 2 encourages open-ness, but without appearing to monitor directly. Allow him to monitor you as well. This will build more trust. If you start deleting browser cache, or being secretive - that encourages him to. Rules aren't laid down, but rather they are implicit.
If he breaks the rules, come down hard, restrict the access to the computer - but only for a limited time. (If he does it again, then make the restrictions more pernament).
There's a third option - this is the one I'd go with, but it's also the one which requires you to be the best parent, and it would only work if he has an interest in computers. Teach him about them. Encourage him to learn about them, and to start tinkering, encourage him to do something creative with a computer (be it programming/whatever), then give him a free reign. If he breaks something important - he fixes it (with help if necessary - it must be a learning experience, otherwise there was no point in breaking it). Forget about restrictions. Monitor what he does, but do so by showing pride in what he produces, encouraging him to invite you to see what he's doing. My parents did this. They knew that after a while, I knew more about the computer than they did, but they encouraged me to teach them, and to continue learning. I never broke something so bad I couldn't fix it myself, but I cocked quite a lot up. Encourge him to be responsible online and participate in things (sensibly). Teach him about privacy, about how to keep his own, and how to respect others.
You may want to adjust the rules frequently. Don't be afraid to try something out, it's parenting, you're not supposed to get it right first time...
.sigs are for losers
Do you happen to be a parent? (And were you a kid? I suspect you must have sprouted from a pod.) Nothing personal, but I fear for the future of kids raised on such a short leash. This is a terrible suggestion unless the child in question has already shown demonstrably (criminally) poor judgement online. Such measures are likely to either instill the new member of the family with an intense distrust and rebellion against the parents' authoritarian measures, or, if accepted, prevent the kid from developing a sense of personal responsibility. I have never posted before, but felt compelled to create an account and respond to short-sightedness or naïveté of the parent poster (no pun intended).
1. Don't take a bath with a plugged in toaster. ...).
2. Don't stand behind a car when it's backing down the driveway.
3. Don't use my electric razor on the cat (or dog, or gerbils, or
4. When the stove has that jumpy stuff coming out of the cooking part, don't stick your hand in it.
5. Do not put the cat in the freezer because it seems warm. THe cat likes it warm.
6. Even if the cat likes it warm, don't put it in the microwave.
7. Don't put your little brother in the dryer to give him a ride.
8. Even if they're called *safety* pins, you still can't stick them in electrical sockets.
9. Do not take pictures of mommy or daddy in the shower.
10. Television will kill you. Really.
That is all.
he calls it "bad guys"
(he'll ask, "can I bad guys")
I know I'll burn in bad parent hell, but he can type iddqd and idkfa by rote, and has a jolly good time.
he launches it, randomly selects a level, and starts it from the windows wrapper..
his favorite really is the chainsaw, he laughs and laughs..
I don't intend to set limits, but his only computer where he plays is two feet to the right of my main computer & rig
I watch what he does, and he watches what I do- and he hates to play deathmatch mode with me.... he dies a lot...
he can finish the first three levels all on his own..
the little bugger is three... so- my tolerance is probabbly too high, and not at all helpful...
every day http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
You make it sound like he needs a computer to masturbate. Or that he even needs porn for that. Untold generations of teenagers learned to play with themselves and develop healthy sexual imaginations without the Web, BBSes, Playboy, pin-up calendars, or even dirty limericks. I've got nothing against porn, but I certainly didn't need it to fuel my imagination, and much of my best play was (and continues to be) in the dark with my eyes closed.
http://alternatives.rzero.com/
As a 16 yr old, I feel compelled to answer.
By putting restrictions or limitations on computer/internet/etc usage, you will accomplish nothing. It will signify your lack of trust, which is a bad way to start. Additionally, with even a small amount of computer knowledge, such restrictions are generally easily bypassed.
The same applies to TV filtering. By doing so, right off the bat, you are basically saying there is _no_ trust, and that is a very bad way to go.
That said, it would be a good idea to make sure that he understands what you allow and what you don't, however, long discussions are a bad idea, especially on topics he probably isn't comfortable discussing with you. Remember that he probably knows you won't be happy to catch him downloading illegal music, so repeating it is just annoying. Short and sweet is your best friend.
As for rules/boundaries, several things should be kept in mind. If he spends a lot of time on the computer, so be it. Remind him and encourage him to do other things, but forcing him to not use the computer will just piss him off, and who knows, maybe he'll end up as a computer science major. If he seems to be switching windows every time you walk by, he's probably doing something he shouldn't be doing.
As for punishment, remember that there are a lot worse things that he could be doing than illegally downloading music or watching porn. If you see him downloading music, at least you know he isn't out doing drugs. And if you catch him watching porn, the embarrassment he goes through would be far worse than any punishment you could give.
Why not provide booze and hookers - after all, at 14, he would probably just find those things on his own anyway. In fact, why establish any limits at all?
Boundaries and limits for kids are like the guardrails or jersey walls on bridges across a deep chasm - they provide security and safety. Perhaps a 14 year old knows a great deal about computers - perhaps not. Setting limits, building relationship with him, and "inspecting what you expect" (aka trust but verify) will be a major boon to him.
Not establishing limits - including protecting him from spyware and pornography - is really stupid.
A 14 year old is a big child. Science tells us that his brain will still grow and develop for about 10 more years. He needs structure, discipline and guidance. I highly recommend the book "It's better to build boys than to mend men" by the founder of Chik-fil-a. He has built and operated foster homes for kids and knows a great deal about how to help them.
But Herr Heisenberg, how does the electron know when I'm looking?
This isn't a technology question; it's a sociology and psychology question. What on earth makes you think that we're qualified to help with it? While there are certainly some people on /. who have some applicable parenting experience (and they'll probably post it), the apparent demographics of the /. population suggests they're a small minority. In fact, I'd anticpate that the majority of people responding are closer in age, experience, and attitude to that 14-year-old than they are to the parents of one. Hell, I'm biologically old enough to have a kid that age, but I don't... which gives me just enough wisdom to understand that I don't know a thing about how to parent one. The college students and twentysomethings her don't even have that. If you want parenting advice, better to ask Doctor Spock, than Mister Spock.
http://alternatives.rzero.com/
I really want to adopt an 18 year old Korean girl. My plan is PERFECT!
Fascism trolls keeping me up every night. When I starts a preachin', he HITS ME WITH HIS REICH!
My girlfriend has a 13 year old daughter. We debated endlessly about whether or not to allow her to have internet access in her bedroom. In the end what we decided to do was to let her with the admonition that as the network admin, I have the ability and the right to watch and dissect any traffic going across my network. We showed her that I can do it at my leisure. We also told her that we'd respect her privacy unless she gave us a reason not to.
What this comes down to is randomly sniffing traffic to see what websites she's visiting and who she's IMing with. As long as nothing appears to be out of sorts, we don't look any deeper into it. Using WireShark, and originally Ethereal, I can see who she's talking to without taking the extra step of seeing what's being said. Kids from school? No problem. Some unfamiliar name? We ask her about it and if we're satisfied with her answer the issue ends there. If we think something is up, we'll read the traffic.
I realize that for some parents it's impossible but we are geeks, there's no reason to let your children's mastery of technology surpass yours.
LK
"Hi. This is my friend, Jack Shit, and you don't know him." - Lord Kano
http://alternatives.rzero.com/
1) The entire range of human behavior, from the most inspired to the most depraved, is available on the Internet.
2) Two fundamentals of your job as a parent are to:
- Provide a safe environment in which they can learn.
Many of the preceding responses reflect on the range of issues - privacy, restrictions, freedom, trust, etc.I offer some simple questions:
- Do you feel that you have a responsibility to supervise your children when they engage in activities "at the edge of their judgment"?
What experiences do you want for your child?The previous responses have already talked about the many analogies and comparables. The bottom line is, in choosing to be a parent, you elect to embrace the responsibility to protect your kids from things they are not ready for, and to supervise them appropriately.
One more fundamental point:
3) Internet behavior is public behavior.
The Internet is a public place. And the Internet is a place where every and any kind of behavior is exhibited, including that which is cruel, nasty, addicitive, corrupting, seductive, and damaging. To your kid. The vivid imagery and compelling interactivity of the Internet is not to be underestimated. I submit that you have an interest in keep your kids away from this kind of experience.
Kids (and parents) need to understand that when they are on the Internet, they are "behaving in public". And that such behavior has consequences, and that there are influences out there that are not benign, not even neutral, but decidedly, aggressively negative.
Teaching kids is great -- a fundamental part of the job. But even if you do it perfectly, and they learn perfectly, they're still kids, and will still be susceptible to well-crafted influences that seek to draw them into destructive or dangerous behavior.
As parents, most of us know in our gut when something is "not good for my kid". Trust your gut. Porn is "not good for my kid". It distorts sexuality and can easily become a compulsion/addiction for many.
Lord-of-the-flies environments where kids run amok unsupervised is "not good for my kid". MySpace is where "good kids" get drawn into "bad behavior" as they experiment with new identities and get stroked for their most provocative acts and attitudes. Stroked by predatory adults as well as their inexperienced and experimental peers.
So, Supervise, Coach, and Protect.
1) Keep the computer in a visible room of the house. Make the behavior seem as public as it really is.
2) Listen to your kids - what are they doing on the net, and what experience do they get? How does it make them feel?
3) Remind your kids that Internet behavior is public behavior, and that you are responsible for their behavior in public.
4) Use tools to supervise, guide, and coach your kids. Yes, that means filtering and monitoring software. (Full disclosure: K9 Web Protection - free - is provided by my company, Blue Coat Systems.)
5) Talk to the parents of your kid's friends, and suggest they do the same. It takes a village to raise a child. The easiest way to beat a filter is to go next door where they don't have one. Demand more from yourself and your peers in protecting your kids.
I invite you to visit TheInternetParent.blogspot.com for more discussion and analysis of these and related issues.