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Journalist Test Drives The Pain Ray Gun

Posted by ScuttleMonkey on from the set-phasers-to-ooooooooowwwwwwwwwwww dept.

Fantastic Lad writes to tell us that journalist Michael Hanlon recently got the opportunity to experience the Army's new not-so-secret weapon, dubbed "Silent Guardian". The Silent Guardian is essentially (even though the creators prefer you not refer to it as such) a ray gun, emitting a focused beam of radiation similar to your microwave tuned to a specific frequency to stimulate human nerve endings. "It can throw a wave of agony nearly half a mile. Because the beam penetrates skin only to a depth of 1/64th of an inch, it cannot, says Raytheon, cause visible, permanent injury. But anyone in the beam's path will feel, over their entire body, the agonizing sensation I've just felt on my fingertip. The prospect doesn't bear thinking about. "

8 of 818 comments (clear)

  1. Blimey! by ackthpt · · Score: 5, Funny

    "It can throw a wave of agony nearly half a mile. Because the beam penetrates skin only to a depth of 1/64th of an inch, it cannot, says Raytheon, cause visible, permanent injury. But anyone in the beam's path will feel, over their entire body, the agonizing sensation I've just felt on my fingertip. The prospect doesn't bear thinking about. "

    Arr! This be a popular thing to consider against terrorists, insurgents and other bilge, but what of when a swab asks Sen. Kerry one too many questions?

    In fact, it is easy to see the raygun being used not as an alternative to lethal force (when I can see that it is quite justified), but as an extra weapon in the battle against dissent. Because it is, in essence, a simple machine, it is easy to see similar devices being pressed into service in places with extremely dubious reputations.

    "Blow me down, Senator, but why did ye let the scallywag take Ohio uncontested?"
    "Belay the questioning, ye poxy bilge-bellied picaroon!"
    *FFFNNZZZZZOOWWNT*
    "Yaaaarrr!"

    Sounds funny, do ye think? But by Davy Jone's locker, it doesn't bode us at all well when bloomin' cops be using it on the populace for crowd control or to force lubbers to obey their commands.

    "Arr, get out of the vehicle and make way for boardin', swabbie!"
    "Aye, but what of me constitutional rights against unreasonable looting and pillaging?"
    *FFFNNZZZZZOOWWNT*
    "Yaaaarrr!"

    Aye a sobering thought. And will yer video camera help ye then? And what of the other wrong people layin' their mitts on this terrible new technology by way of the interweb -- ye don't like how a match is going? Give the swab in goal an itch he'd claw out with his own hook for just a second for the ball to pass into the net. Aye. People already are misusing lasers, what of these? No visible injury, sounds perfect for torture.

    What next, use this on pirates? Well I'll be scuppered!

    --

    A feeling of having made the same mistake before: Deja Foobar
    1. Re:Blimey! by ackthpt · · Score: 5, Funny

      The ones that already use Kalashnikovs for crowd control? I'll take the ray over stopping a round, thx.

      Aye, but do ye think they'd have less reservations usin' one o' these devices knowin' they would leave no visible wounds? Aye see these bein' used often and with far more room for abuse.

      • Ye, stepped out of line! *fnzownt*
      • Ye don't have correct change! *fnzownt*
      • Avast, I don't be likin' the look of ye! *fnzownt*
      • Yer late for work! *fnzownt*
      • Me supper's cold! *fnzownt*
      • Ahoy, that be a dupe article! *fnzownt*
      --

      A feeling of having made the same mistake before: Deja Foobar
    2. Re:Blimey! by WhyDoYouWantToKnow · · Score: 5, Funny

      I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when my fear is gone I will turn and face fear's path, and only I will *fnzownt*

      --
      "Oh drat these computers, they're so naughty and so complex. I could pinch them."
      Marvin the Martian
  2. no way this will work by rucs_hack · · Score: 5, Funny

    I mean, even if you could get it mounted on a frikkin shark, they wouldn't survive long enough out of water for it to be used for crowd control.

  3. After the test... by teslatug · · Score: 5, Funny

    The operator was heard saying: "What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest. How do you feel?"

  4. Re:1/64th inch of skin by Flipao · · Score: 5, Funny

    My tinfoil armor will reflect those microwaves back to the cast... er, I mean shooter... Arrr!

  5. Re:Chilling... by AJWM · · Score: 5, Funny

    it had 10 settings 10 being the highest and 1 the lowest.

    We've got one that goes to 11.

    (Sorry, had to be said.)

    --
    -- Alastair
  6. Re:Chilling... by Distortions · · Score: 5, Funny

    THERE, ARE, FOUR, LIGHTS!

    --
    Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.