Slashdot Mirror
British Astronomers Turn To Interstellar Spam
Barrista En Flambe alerts us to a stunt that may reflect the desperate funding crisis in British astronomy: astronomers have agreed to beam a 30-second Doritos ad to a solar system 42 light years from Earth. The transmission is being directed at the solar system of 47 Ursae Majoris, a star similar to the Sun which has planets and may have a habitable zone.
It would be a long drive to get a bag, if someone over in 47 Ursae Majoris actually wants the doritos...I rarely travel more than five minutes for a snack, let alone 42 light years!
.sig
Where to begin!
I previously - jokingly - believed SETI and Voyager to be like cosmic spam. Now, we are beaming to space, evidence that no intelligent life exists on Earth?
Doritos! Here's six ways to poison a carbon-based lifeform! Maybe we can beam the text of "The Omnivore's Dilemma", too...
"Flyin' in just a sweet place,
Never been known to fail..."
Don't tell Doritos that it would be practically impossible for any aliens to reverse engineer a video codec, or that the aliens wouldn't even get the message for years, or that they wouldn't be interested in eating Doritos.
...if the first extraterrestrial message we get from outer space is a response to this.
And the message is, "No thanks, we prefer Sun Chips."
If we advertise to other galaxies, they'll start to crave our stuff, and by the time we reach them we can sell doritos to them like opiates to china.
"I only speak the truth"
Karma: null(Mostly affected by an unassigned variable)
Doritos just doomed us all. I hope they're happy when the galactic warships move in to "de-list" our planet from the universe for spamming.
Curiosity was framed, Ignorance killed the cat.
I'm minutes away from lunch, and am now suddenly craving Cool Ranch Doritos. So Frito-Lay (or whoever makes those things) is already seeing some return on their investment in this publicity stunt -- I expect the astronomers to discover something amazing in return!
What I'm listening to now on Pandora...
what no "I, for one," comments yet?
What would the odds be that in 43 years, we are attacked by an alien race in FTL ships whose young resemble Doritos in their larval stage.
" Won't someone please think of the children? "
How amazed would you be to suddenly find that you just forgot what I wrote and you needed to reread my post.... again.
Dear Sir,
I am Xorpquan, the Supreme Subcommander in charge of Auditing and Accounting section of First Xenu Intergallactic Bank of 47 Ursae Majoris with due respect and regards. I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end of the transaction.
During our investigation and auditing in this bank, my department came across a very huge sum of money belonging to Porshgar the Mighty who died on the 4th day of the 5th year of the rule of Lord Emperor Tashyon in a Torplack Race and the fund has been dormant in his/her account with this bank without any claim of the fund in our custody either from his family or relation. The said amount was 1,853,831,184 Credits. As it may Interest you to know, Meanwhile all the arrangement to put claim over this sum as the bonafide next of kin to the deceased, get the required approval and transfer this money to a foreign account has been put in place.
On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to 20% of the total Sum as gratification, while 3% will be set aside upon conclusion, to take care of expenses that may arise during the time Of transfer both local and intergalactic like Yushan Pirate Raids, asteroidal clearance, e.t.c, while %25 will be for me and my partner.
All other necessary information will be sent to you When I hear from you. I suggest you get back to me on my private e-mail address as Soon as possible stating your wish in this deal.
In the name of great Lord Emperor Tashyon,
Supreme Subcommander Xorpquan
I don't know what that means.....
Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam!
I think someone hit the Python Reruns...
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what your country did to you
I'm assuming that because these are British scientists, the signal will be in PAL format, but either way, how do they expect aliens that may or may not exist to magically decrypt a format that we ourselves can't use across a measly ocean?
Second question: Will Doritos still even be around in 42 years when this signal gets there? Or be able to send them some when they get an order in 84 years? Actually, that is a conversation I want to hear.
Doritos sales rep: Hello?
47 Ursae Majoris Alien: Sqwauk squelch sqee sqee
DSR: Oh, sorry, I forgot to turn on the universal translator.
UMA: Ah. Anyway, yeah, I'd like to order half a million crates of your Cool Ranch Doritos.
DSR: Sorry, we haven't made those since 2019...
UMA: What? That's it! You humans are going to die! (Fires space laser- http://blag.xkcd.com/2008/02/15/the-laser-elevator/ modulated with "Fine! We'll take Cheetos instead!)
So this civilization will get their own version of the Wow! Signal.
Things you think are in the Constitution, but are not.
UNITED NATIONS, NEW YORK, EARTH, SOL
ATTENTION: THE PRESIDENT/CEO/OVERSEER/GRAND MASTER/SUPREME OVERLORD
DEAR SIR, MADAM OR DRONE,
CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS PROPOSAL
HAVING CONSULTED WITH MY COLLEAGUES AND BASED ON THE INFORMATION GATHERED FROM THE EARTH CHAMBERS OF COMMERCE AND CORRUPTION, I HAVE THE PRIVILEGE TO REQUEST FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE TO TRANSFER THE SUM OF $47,500,000,000,000.00 (FORTY SEVEN TRILLION, FIVE BILLION THOUSAND CREDITS) INTO YOUR ACCOUNTS. THE ABOVE SUM RESULTED FROM AN OVER-INVOICED CONTRACT, EXECUTED COMMISSIONED AND PAID FOR ABOUT FIVE EARTH YEARS (5) AGO BY A FOREIGN SYSTEM. THIS ACTION WAS HOWEVER INTENTIONAL AND SINCE THEN THE FUND HAS BEEN IN A SUSPENSE ACCOUNT AT THE CENTRAL BANK OF SOL APEX BANK.
WE ARE NOW READY TO TRANSFER THE FUND OVER SUBSPACE MONEY TRANSFER AND THAT IS WHERE YOU COME IN. IT IS IMPORTANT TO INFORM YOU THAT AS CIVIL SERVANTS/SLAVES, WE ARE FORBIDDEN TO OPERATE A EXTRA-SOLAR ACCOUNT; THAT IS WHY WE REQUIRE YOUR ASSISTANCE. THE TOTAL SUM WILL BE SHARED AS FOLLOWS: 70% FOR US, 70% FOR YOU AND 5% FOR LOCAL, INTERNATIONAL AND INTERSTELLAR EXPENSES INCIDENT TO THE TRANSFER.
THE TRANSFER IS RISK FREE ON BOTH SIDES. I AM AN ACCOUNTANT WITH THE EARTH NATIONAL PLUTONIUM CORPORATION (ENPC). IF YOU FIND THIS PROPOSAL ACCEPTABLE, WE SHALL REQUIRE THE FOLLOWING DOCUMENTS:
(A) YOUR BANKER'S NAME, SPECIE, ACCOUNT, SOLAR SYSTEM AND PLANET
(B) YOUR PRIVATE SUBSPACE FREQUENCY AND ESP NUMBERS -- FOR CONFIDENTIALITY AND EASY COMMUNICATION.
(C) YOUR LETTER-HEADED CRYPTO STOMPED AND MARKED.
ALTERNATIVELY WE WILL FURNISH YOU WITH THE TEXT OF WHAT TO TYPE INTO YOUR LETTER-HEADED PAPER, ALONG WITH A BREAKDOWN EXPLAINING, COMPREHENSIVELY WHAT WE REQUIRE OF YOU. THE BUSINESS WILL TAKE US THIRTY (30) WORKING EARTH DAYS TO ACCOMPLISH.
PLEASE REPLY URGENTLY.
BEST REGARDS
Goodbye Slashdot. You've changed.
or does this sound like the beginning of a Douglas Adams story?
this isn't the dorito ad you're looking for. move along.
If people can get past, can they get future? Best way to confuse a stoner
Unfortunately this is a very good illustration of the problem we have in this country with R&D/science stuff. We used to be pioneers of technology, but these days people aren't interested.
My theory is because we have no society any more. One of Maggie Thatcher's most famous quotes is "there is no such thing as society". It's true, there isn't in modern Britain. Even when British people do achieve amazing things, we don't seem to care or make a big deal of it. Thus, anything which does not bring individuals obvious and immediate benefit becomes very hard to justify.
const int one = 65536; (Silvermoon, Texture.cs)
SJW, n: "Someone I don't like, and by the way I'm a fuckwit" - AC
It was once thought that all the TV chatter we've been putting out will actually someday make it to distant stars. It's now known that it only gets about a light year or two out before it degrades into background noise.
And now we know why.
Spamblockers.
We're all laughing about how useless this is, but now Slashdot and probably half the tech news sites out there are talking about Doritos. I'd actually say this was a pretty intelligent move by their marketing department.
"People who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do."-Mark Twain
The Doritos ad is being sent to 47 Ursae Majoris. Unfortunately, to the residents of 47 Ursae Majoris, "Doritos" loosely translates to "Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you." If we send this ad, the aliens are bound to attack us viciously with their noxious gas cannons and alien livestock catapults. When that happens, our only recourse will be to run away!
My sci-fi novel, Ghost Thief, is now available from Amazon.com.
...and it will get your zwinki firm.
Laughter is the Spackle of the Soul.
...the whole bit about the hyperspace bypass was just to satisfy local galactic planning regulations. The Vogons have been aware for the past 50 Earth years that spamming space was inevitable.
It's a small world and it smells funny; I'd buy another if it wasn't for the money; Take back what I paid (SoM)
But I got stuck here while researching the update for The Guide.
It's a small world and it smells funny; I'd buy another if it wasn't for the money; Take back what I paid (SoM)
...just illegal under the DMCA. If any aliens did visit to buy Doritos, they'd end up getting sued and their flying saucer confiscated.
It's a small world and it smells funny; I'd buy another if it wasn't for the money; Take back what I paid (SoM)
I just finished reading this and I'm thinking maybe the human race needs to just STFU?
:/)
(good luck finding a used copy, it's way out of print
I for one welcome our new Dorito's-eating overlords!
That's rather tasteless. And the message wasn't a good idea either.
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.
that message won't be picked up by bad tempered, bureaucratic, officious, and callous vogons. they might report us to the galactic bureaucracy for spamming without a permit, sending the message without approval forms, advertising without a good cause, and tampering with an underdeveloped planet. i guess i've been reading hitchhikers guide to the galaxy too much.
If people can get past, can they get future? Best way to confuse a stoner
They'll come to Earth, get our email addresses, send spam back to us and take control of Earth by getting Earth President Nixon to fall for a dodgy 419 scam.
Then all they need to do build a fleet of solid gold death stars and they'll be unstoppable!
(For everyone wondering what I am going on about, check out the movie length Futurama episode "Benders Big Score")
This space for rent
All of your salsa are belong to us!
Good, inexpensive web hosting
Undoubtedly just a publicity stunt for Doritos to advertise it here on Earth.
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
Please ./ gods, I desperately need a "-1, Unfunny" moderation tag.
Knowledge is power; knowledge shared is power lost.
I, for one, welcome our new doritos munching overlords from 47 Ursae Majoris ....