Celebrity AD&D Character Sheets

GnomeIllusionist writes "In their continuing tribute to Gary Gygax, Wired has created character sheets for nine celebrities. Apparently, Stephen Hawking can do 10D6 radiation damage to his enemies and Rick Astley is a 20th-Level bard. Steve Jobs' black turtleneck is actually magical armor with +6 against edged attacks." Most of them are kinda cheesy and obvious- I wonder if you can do better.

Comments

CmdrTaco's Sheet

[eldavojohn]

Most of them are kinda cheesy and obvious- I wonder if you can do better. CmdrTaco

Web Master
Chaotic Basement Troll
Strength: Pi
Intelligence: 4
Wisdom: 12
Constitution: 18
Dexterity: 7
Charisma: 1
Special Abilities: Posses the inability to discern between 'there' and 'their' while at the same time lacking any clue of what news is.

Should use Stormbringer System....

[tjstork]

Hawking has to roll every time he gets near a flight of stairs in a melee or takes the tumble critical hit..

Re:Should use Stormbringer System....

[cp.tar]

Hawking has to roll every time he gets near a flight of stairs in a melee or takes the tumble critical hit..

He's in a wheelchair.
Rolling is his only mode of transportation anyway.

Re:Should use Stormbringer System....

[StarkRG]

Nah, I figure Hawking is like a Dalek. eh-leh-VATE!!!

Re:Should use Stormbringer System....

[ggvaidya]

Nonsense. Real theoretical physicists don't fear stairs: they level the building.

(You don't think Hawking radiation only applies to black holes, do you?)

Obligatory Onion reference

[Guppy]

Bill Gates Grants Self 18 Dexterity, 20 Charisma

REDMOND, WA--Microsoft head Bill Gates, already considered by many to be among the most powerful men in the world, further increased his powers Monday, augmenting several of his key statistics to near-immortal levels.

Re:Obligatory Onion reference

[sapphire wyvern]

That article is so much better than Wired's version.

Opens new tab to read article...

[The Ultimate Fartkno]

...sees Paris Hilton, clicks the little (x). Next story, please.

Re:Opens new tab to read article...

[Aglassis]

...sees Paris Hilton, clicks the little (x).

Next story, please. That is only because you failed your Will save. Much like a tarrasque, she has a Frightful Presence.

Re:Opens new tab to read article...

[CowboyNealOption]

Actually they simply forgot to put the decimal point in front of the 9.

Re:What would have made a better article

[dgatwood]

Let's see... William Shatner has the ability to randomly pause; if you roll a 13 on a 13-sided die, he pauses and in spite of looking ridiculous, he is miraculously unharmed by any attacks for an entire round. Also, every round, he gains experience points through sleeping with every non-human female currently in play.

:-D

Gives a whole new meaning...

[zuggy40]

to being rick-rolled

They've misused the Chaotic Neutral Alignment

[UrinalPooper]

Bush would be lawful evil, not chaotic neutral... So few people seem to grasp precisely how that alignment works. The best description I one saw was in an old Dragon magazine: think Daffy Duck.

Re:They've misused the Chaotic Neutral Alignment

[Nimey]

Neutral Evil. Lawful Evil types will follow laws & agreements to the letter, if not necessarily the spirit. Bush clearly thinks the law doesn't apply to him, so he's not lawful.

Re:They've misused the Chaotic Neutral Alignment

[WK2]

I disagree with CG, and agree with the GP poster, CN. Saving lives is only a natural side effect of what House does. He is only in it to solve a mystery, and he only does it for himself.

You can tell how "good" House is by how he treats everybody and everything else. He doesn't care about or respect them. He lied to everybody without remorse, and only decided to cut down on lying when he learned that he can get things from people if they distrust him less. He only serves his own desires, which are neither good nor evil.

Chaotic Neutral.

More on Rick Astley's char sheet

[Guppy]

Rick Astley's character sheet neglects to mention a few things -- he is under a permanent Geas of loyalty. Rick is unable to abandon party members for any reason (although his party members may choose to leave him if they initiate the separation). In addition, he is unable to speak any untruth which causes emotional anguish to another.

Rick also has a compulsion to explain to others his emotional state and how he is feeling, which results in a penalty to all rolls involving deception (except vs. ducks). However, this feature is not a Geas and is merely a personality trait.

Re:More on Rick Astley's char sheet

[MoonBuggy]

Can that be considered a rickroll even if it happened inside my head?

Re:Error in 'George Bush'

[cp.tar]

AFAIK, his INT score shouldn't be higher than 9.

I'd also say 16 isn't his rolled CHA score; he couldn't possibly have rolled more than 12. At best.
All the rest is the doing of a few magical items, circumstance bonuses and followers.

Also, since he left my benighted country just a few hours ago, he also possesses a magical shield aura along with several hundred guards: no-one can enter the area within 300 m from him.
Setting your eyes on him can also probably turn you to stone or suffer the effect of Baleful Polymorph; what other reason could there be that people living in vicinity of the route he took were told to shutter their windows and stay inside?

Don't bother visiting

[Sapphon]

Paris Hilton
Actress
Chaotic Neutral Human
Strength: 9 Intelligence: 9 Wisdom: 8 Constitution: 10 Dexterity: 14 Charisma: 18
Special Abilities: Wiggling out of jail time for DUI charges, washing cars in an entertaining manner.

George W. Bush
17th -level politician
Chaotic Neutral Human
Strength: 11 Intelligence: 10 Wisdom: 6 Constitution: 12 Dexterity: 10 Charisma: 16
Special Abilities: Always wins eligible elections, takes no damage for corporate connections, has the ability to prevaricate perfectly, and always goes first in initiative in attacks via other countries.

Ron Paul
23rd-Level Lawful Good Wizard
Strength: 10 Intelligence: 17 Wisdom:17 Dexterity: 10 Charisma: 13
Special Abilities: Can see into the future, but must roll Charisma or less on d100 to convince anyone he's right. Can summon 1,000 devoted followers on command, and can pull 10,000 GP out of his hat as needed -- but no one knows how. His presence at delivery adds +1 to all child's attributes.

Steve Jobs
21st Level Paladin
Strength: 12 Intelligence: 15 Wisdom: 17 Dexterity: 10 Charisma: 20
Special Abilities: Reality Distortion field allows him to temporarily influence any character, if he rolls less than his Charisma, minus the target's Intelligence.
Special Equipment: +6 Magical Armor appears as a black turtleneck and blue jeans, but protects him from edged attacks.

Dean Kamen
43rd-Level Human*
Strength: 10 Intelligence: 22 Wisdom: 23 Dexterity: 13 Charisma: 16
Special Abilities: Can instantaneously invent anything to solve any problem.
Special Equipment: 6-wheeled, gyroscope-balanced battle chair. Dean's Dexterity is reduced by one and STR increased by two when riding the battle chair.
Magical "water box." Powered by fire. Makes clean water and provides a bright light that can be used to reduce an opponent's dexterity by two points.
*His exact origin/species is in dispute.

Stephen Hawking
25th-Level Cosmologist
Neutral Good Human
Strength: 3 Dexterity: 2 Constitution: 10 Intelligence: 28 Wisdom: 20 Charisma: 12
Special Abilities: Time dilation at will, and Hawking Radiation. Any nongenius within a 60-foot radius take 10d6 radiation damage. Base movement: 6 ft/round
Special Equipment: Wheelchair of translation.

Richard Dawkins
22th-Level Evolutionary Biologist
Lawful Neutral Human
Strength: 12 Dexterity: 13 Constitution: 10 Intelligence: 18 Wisdom: 22 Charisma: 25
Special Abilities: Spell Resistance Infinite (because magic is not real).
All Cleric-Priest within 60 feet gain 2 negate levels due to logical paradox.
Special Equipment: Spectacles of Trueseeing (always sees things as they really are).

Rick Astley
20th-Level Bard
Strength: 8 Intelligence: 9 Wisdom: 10 Constitution: 10 Dexterity: 18 Charisma: 18
Special Abilities: Uses Dex. bonus for all Dance-related checks due to years of training in the art of '80s pop dancing. Can rickroll targets for 5d6 of humiliation damage.

Mr. T
lvl9 Fighter / lvl7 Barbarian
Strength: 18 Intelligence: 8 Wisdom: 12 Constitution:16 Dexterity: 12 Charisma: 12
Special Abilities: At will: Pity (the fool). There is no save, and it is not subject to spell resistance. The effect is 4d6 subdual damage and permanent Pity.
Languages Known: English, Jibba Jabba.

No, I haven't forgotten any stats: some people just didn't seem to deserve all 6, as far as Wired was concerned!

Re:Don't bother visiting

[xZgf6xHx2uhoAj9D]

Why would you suggest Paris Hilton is stupid? It's an honest question. Because the character she portrays on "reality" TV is stupid? Because she doesn't wear underwear? Because she doesn't have a job? None of those suggest stupidity to me.

I'm not saying Paris Hilton is a genius, but I've yet to find any evidence that she's an idiot. People who accuse her of being stupid, in my experience, tend to be the type that are intimidated by or easily manipulated by the blonde, bubbly, slut stereotype. She's picked an image and exploits it to her full advantage. Yes, she's blonde. Yes, she toys with men. Yes, her childhood was handed to her on a silver platter. None of that to me suggests stupidity.

Consider that Paris Hilton is rumoured to be dubbed "the most overrated celebrity" by the Guinness Book of World Records. She has attained a huge amount of fame and fortune (not all of it inherited) by doing absolutely nothing but playing the media. That doesn't sound like stupid to me.

GW Bush

[Entropius]

Aristocrat (Neoconservative) 10/Clr2 of Jeebus

Str: 13
Dex: 8 (choked on a pretzel)
Con: 14 (able to stomach sight of Laura Bush)
Int: 8
Wis: 9*
Cha: 14 (people still like him)

HP: 10d6+2d8+24

Skill points: 13*2 (Ari) +2*1 (Clr) = 28

Profession (failed businessman) +3
Craft (ridiculous speeches) +4
Knowledge (torture methods) +5
Knowledge (religion) +2
Knowledge (pseudoscience) +3
Perform (monkey faces) +7

Neocon Bullheadedness (Ex): Analogous to the Madness rule for clerics of Tharizdun (see RttToEE), Neoconservatives add half of their Neocon level to their Wisdom for the purpose of Will saves and any checks related to avoiding changing one's mind, but subtract this number from their Wisdom for all other purposes except spellcasting. Neocons who worship Jeebus count their cleric levels as Neocon levels for this purpose.

Cause Fear (Ex): By invoking the sacred name of Terrism, Bush can cause a disturbed fearful state in those who hear his speeches. Anyone hearing such a speech for five consecutive rounds must make a Will save (DC 18) or be shaken for 24 hours. In addition, for the next four months the victim must make a Will save (DC 13) upon future mention of Terrism, or be shaken for 10 minutes. Listeners with Intelligence 12 or greater are unaffected; listeners with intelligence 16 or greater are highly amused.

Feats: Courteous Theocracy (background feat), Dodge Draft, Thrall to Demon (Karl Rove), Weapon Focus (flag lapel pin), Dodge (for hunting with Cheney)

Typical cleric spells prepared: **can't cast spells, Wis10**

Re:GW Bush

[MoodyLoner]

You forgot his Unitary Executive, Misunderestimate Me and Appoint Lackey feats:

Unitary Executive: Ignores rules for character generation. Can ignore any or all rules of combat, at will, as long as Memo of John Woo is in possession.

Misunderestimate Me: Is underestimated for the wrong reasons. Add +6 inherent bonus to Bluff, and a -6 inherent penalty to all Diplomacy rolls made on his behalf, even by another PC or an NPC.

Appoint Lackey: Anyone he appoints to an Administration position takes a -8 inherent penalty to all relevant skills. The only way to avoid this penalty is to not have any skills applicable to the position.

First ADHD post!

[tomhudson]

Some people seem to feel that AD&D is critical to being a geek somehow.

Some people seem to feel that ADHD is critical to being a geek somehow.

There - fixed.

... unless you're an AI in which case ADD is just another instruction ...

Re:First ADHD post!

[kesuki]

Like they say, you don't HAVE to be crazy, but it HELPS. Especially if your life ambition is to play video games for FUN not necessarily to win, mind you but for fun. (mind you the 6 months in mental hospitals + 6 months in group homes is NOT FUN a 5 digit back pay check from social security, is something any geek who doesn't have a HDTV or a playstation3 yet dreams of. (plus my best PC only has 1 gig of ram and 300 GB of HD storage and a 3000+ (2000 mhz) processor)

We're dreaming quadcore with 4 gigs of ram and 3 TB of raid. and at least 128 pixel pipelines/shaders, haven't ruled out SLI for 256 pixel pipelines/shaders.. haven't ruled out BD-recordable yet either. especially in light of easter's BD+ cracked news from our friends at slysoft, Ahh a computer that might actually run vista slightly slower than it runs XP.

although i understand that cracked BD+ discs non-encrypted style require a laptop to watch them in the car, so that hasn't been ruled out either. although I'm not 100% crazy, so i won't get wireless N technology, i mean the Standard isn't even out yet, and i recall how well that worked for 56k modem users. I'm actually mostly paranoid so I'm thinking of using one of my old PCs as a smoothwall 3.0 before the wireless router, and using the best security on that wireless router.

(mainly i need wireless for my nintendo-DS, small apartment, where they base the rent on my Current disability check, so now it's free, i think it'll be 1/3rd my check, at most, maybe less)

Did I small town, awesome Cable internet?

no fiber to the home, but with me being the only guy who's even heard of bittorrent here, welll....

I'll take a nice decent cable internet any day.

Re:First ADHD post!

[pjt33]

Could you rewrite that after taking your tablets? At the moment I'm struggling to make sense of it.

Additional character

[MarchTheMonth]

no disrespect to Mr. T, but Chuck Norris would have been much better. Chuck Norris Lawful Good Superhuman Strength: 20 Intelligence: 10 Wisdom: 12 Constitution: 16 Dexterity: 18 Charisma: 15 Special Abilities: Tears cure all afflictions. Roundhouse kick, if rolled higher than 1d4, defeats enemy. Beard has special powers not yet seen.

Re:Additional character

[fyrewulff]

I thought it should be

Chuck Norris:

Strength: Chuck Norris
Wisdom: Chuck Norris
Int: Chuck Norris
Dex: Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris: Chuck Norris

Re:Error in 'George Bush'

[bjourne]

AFAIK, his INT score shouldn't be higher than 9.
I'd also say 16 isn't his rolled CHA score; he couldn't possibly have rolled more than 12. At best. All the rest is the doing of a few magical items, circumstance bonuses and followers. Impossible, the Diebold optical scanner validated his character sheet. And you are just a sore loser.

22th?

[crossmr]

"22th-Level Evolutionary Biologist"

how about 22nd..
looks like an editor just failed an intelligence check.

Re:22th?

[ultranova]

How about "22nd-Level Troll" ?

Dawkins isn't best known for his scientific work. He is best known for his crusade against religion. Publishing one tirade after another about the subject is hard to consider anything but trolling; and he's been pretty succesfull in that, as proven by books like "The Dawkins Delusion" - how many Slashdot trolls can say they got dead-tree books published just to counter their posts ?

If one wanted to be really nasty - considering his convictions - one could even call him a "22nd-Level Crusader" :). Also, I seem to recall there was a prestige class which concentrated on jamming the powers of clerics and denying that deities were anything worth worshipping, as opposed to simply powerful but ultimately ordinary beings; I can't recall what it was called, thought.

Re:Error in 'George Bush'

[Original Replica]

I can't believe they forgot to mention his favorite spell:
"Fear and Confuse"- This spell has a nation wide area of effect causing any creatures with below 14 INT to see enemies in every shadow and to believe that the caster is their best hope of salvation. Any mage attempting to cast a "Dispel Fear" will immediately be lynched by the effected creatures. Duration: each effected creatures rolls 2d4 for number of years under the spell.

Re:Chuck Norris

[tomhudson]

Everyone knows that as soon as you introduce the Chuck Norris character into the game, it ends as all the other characters get roundhouse kicked into another alternate universe.

Also, Chuck Norris always wins, even with a 1. Nobody else dares roll the dice to counter. It is said that someone tried once - they rolled a blank - the pips on the die had turned white in fear of Chuck Norris.

What a cop out!

[26199]

"Good and evil need no explanation" ... if you've figured out what's good and what's evil in this crazy world, please share!

Not funny!

[johnwbyrd]

Augh!

Slashdot is an awesome place to find out about the latest Internet Explorer vulnerabilities and the hippest Linux distros. But it's a truly dreadful, forsaken, necrotic place for getting legal advice and for finding the funny.

Funny is embedded in an underground cavern on the dark side of the moon from Slashdot. Funny is being cryogenically frozen in carbonite while Slashdot looks on and taunts funny with the voice of James Earl Jones. Funny is imprisoned in Florida, recounting hanging chad from the 2000 election, while Slashdot rules the country for eight years and mispronounces the word "nuclear".
King of the Hill, My Name Is Earl, Wonder Showzen, Look Around You: all funny! Linux startup scripts, Microsoft patent trolling, packet sniffers going 1.0, DVORAK keyboards, anything written to be sung to the tune of anything else, parodies of Magic cards depicting tech moguls: all not funny!

There exists a damned fine reason why the Slashdot moderators are making millions writing PHP and perl scripts, and not making millions writing Hollywood sitcoms. 'CAUSE SLASHDOT IS NOT FUNNY!

Now I'm going to be moderated a troll by someone who writes parodies of Gilbert and Sullivan operettas. Sigh.

Re:Not funny!

[kvezach]

Now I'm going to be moderated a troll by someone who writes parodies of Gilbert and Sullivan operettas. Sigh.

I am the very model of a modern Slashdot forum troll
and when I post and moderate I always will be very droll...

It's Only Funny When It's Not You

[eldavojohn]

I always wondered what evaporating karma sounded like.... Right so remember kids, it's only funny when it's not you. Oh no, I'm going to be modded troll and then funny and then troll and then ... I don't really care that much about this site anymore or my karma. If you need proof, I'll just go on a bitchy little rant about how I've never once gotten mod points despite the number of posts I've made, my karma, my many meta-moderations or the fact that I'm number four or five on the list of top contributors.

But if I hurt Cmdr Taco's feelings, I'll make it up to him:

eldavojohn

Slashdotter
Narcotic Basement Sheep
Strength: i
Intelligence: 3
Wisdom: 4
Constitution: 18
Dexterity: 19
Charisma: 2
Special Abilities: Will suck dick for karma. Extreme dexterity gives him ability to stick foot in own mouth. Often acts like a know-it-all about topics he has no right commenting on. When challenged, often flies into frenzied rage and adds +7 to defensive rhetoric with a tree hugging hippy slant to it. Member of Slashdot hive mind mentality.

Christ, if you can't laugh about everything what's the point of living?

Priceless

[EdIII]

Mr.T's Character Sheet (TFA)

Special Abilities: At will: Pity (the fool). There is no save, and it is not subject to spell resistance. The effect is 4d6 subdual damage and permanent Pity. Languages Known: English, Jibba Jabba.

I think I almost peed myself that was so funny.... yeah just a little :) They did forget a persistent Fear of Flying (no saving throw) and the complete inability to detect sedatives in any fluid.

Re:Chuck Norris

[hairykrishna]

I would suspect that he is now unable to 'get over' anything. He was probably killed by mysterious roundhouse related injuries within seconds of his post being submitted.