Slashdot Mirror
The Press Releases of the Damned
Harry writes "Once upon a time, Microsoft said that Windows Vista would transform life as we knew it. Palm said its Foleo was a breakthrough. Circuit City said firing its most experienced salespeople would save the company. And Apple said that Web apps were all that iPhone owners needed. I've collected the original press releases for these and other ill-fated tech announcements, and annotated them with the facts as they played out in the real world."
The stupid "article" is spread over 8 pages. Slashdot should have some standards for posted articles... and no, I'm not new here.
Microsoft said that Windows Vista would transform life as we knew it.
to a living hell!
8 pages and no printer friendly version (that I can find)? This is why /.ers don't RTFA!
You'd think when people used screenshots of something they threw together in a word processor they'd at least turn off auto-spell check underlining so it doesn't stick out like a sore thumb.
Sony ditching their AI and other cutting-edge 'out there' research (like the Qrio and Aibo) to focus on media/entertainment. Sony Labs used to feel like one of those wicked Zaibatsus as described in Neuromancer.
It happened shortly after they took on an American board member, incidentally.
HP did much the same under Carly.
ATT's Bell Labs, too.
I hope Research in Motion's Perimeter Institute takes off. These corporate research labs are where we get all the best stuff!
I used to write press releases myself in my younger days and often times you're stuck in a very difficult position of having to spin something that's very negative into something that at least doesn't make a bad situation even worse. Let's face it, there are only two reasons that companies ever lay off employees en mass: a budget cut that makes it unavoidable, or an attempt to streamline by removing an entire redundant or poorly-performing area or division. Private sector companies are loathe to admit the former, and so they almost always couch a large layoff as the latter.
They do this because they know that, if they show weakness, their stock will tank and they'll have even MORE layoffs than they've already had. And laying off people is never easy to do. Despite the reputation that corporations have for being heartless, they are nonetheless made up of real human beings--very few of whom take any pleasure in having to throw their employees' lives into chaos (not to mention the real damage it does to the company itself and its projects).
Of course, sometimes the stock still tanks anyway (savvy investors are rarely fulled by mere spin), but to publicly announce "Hey, we're going into the shitter" is still irresponsible. And the only alternative to "We're streamlining" or "We're facing cuts" is "We axed these people capriciously, just because we felt like it." So the choice is pretty clear.
SJW: Someone who has run out of real oppression, and has to fake it.
"Peace for our time" - Neville Chamberlain http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peace_for_our_time == "Peace after 1946"
"Mission accomplished!" George W. Bush http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mission_Accomplished == "Mission not accomplished"
"Titanic goes down: everyone safe" Daily Express, April 1912 http://www.newstatesman.com/200606190037 == well, even the Cameron film didn't distort reality quite that much.
...that irrespective of the situation, press releases are never going to say "this sucks" or "this is completely unoriginal". A few of these are genuine oversights/lack of forward thinking (e.g. the iPhone app one) but the majority of them are standard marketing hyperbole that appears everywhere ("This cleaning product will TRANSFORM YOUR LIFE!").
Life boils down to a question of whether people are talkin' the straight shit or just a line of bullshit. Bullshit pays more but the straight shit lets you look yourself in the mirror.
The funny thing, people love the bullshit. They bullshit others, they bullshit themselves. It amazes me when someone does due diligence, get told something that's true but they don't like it. This big deal I'm salivating over, it's smarter to pass it up than get all my money tied up in it? Fuck you. What, you're saying my income can only support getting the fancy house and the car, not the house, the car, and the yacht? Fuck you twice-over, cocksucker.
You get some exec with a grandiose plan, something that's really going to make his name, cement his reputation, there's no way of telling him it's just not that good of an idea. So any analyst who wants to remain employed will provide the analysis the boss wants to see, not what he needs to see. And this kind of warped, demented thinking will persist until objective reality makes itself known with all the subtlety of a ship foundering upon the rocky shore.
Kwisatz Haderach
Sell the spice to CHOAM
This Mahdi took Shaddam's Throne
My favourite, regarding the announcement of the iPod:
Specialist Mac support for creative pros, Melbourne
Who could forget Cmdr Taco's little gem?
Blank until
....or have slashdot never been wrong?
We have never been wrong. It's just that some of our post refer to conditions in alternate universes. It's a geek thing.
Some mornings it's hardly worth chewing through the restraints to get out of bed.
As a PR/marketing flack myself, I'll freely admit that I'm an embittered mercenary, as I think most in the profession are. But the problem is not us marketing people; it's just the nature of the industry. 1) No one will read a press release unless it claims a huge benefit. No one reads press releases to begin with, but a press release that makes only modest claims will just get drowned out in the overwhelming 24/7 noise of the modern marketosphere. 2) No client will approve a release that makes him sound anything less than the reincarnation of Jesus Christ and his product anything less than the Holy Grail 2.0. 3) Selling is hard, stressful work. You can't afford to have a rational conversation with the public about the merits and demerits of your product, because your job is on the line if the sales curve slacks, so you've got to do your damnedest to sell the thing, no matter how awful it is.
Cocaine is not a cleaning product...
Sure it is... it works great at getting that pesky cartilage stuff out of your nose.
Get a web developer
How far up your butt does your head have to be to refer to a layoff as a "separation"? Such gutless prose deserves our complete contempt.
It has been my experience that managers who lay off their best people to save money don't understand their business. This is what happens when you hire MBA's.