What Does Google Suggest Suggest About Humanity?

CNETNate writes "You'll laugh, but mostly you'll cry. Some of the questions Google gets asked to deliver results for is beyond worrying. 'Can you put peroxide in your ear?', 'Why would a pregnancy test be negative?', and 'Why can't I own a Canadian?' being just a selection of the truly baffling — and disturbing — questions Google is regularly forced to answer."

Comments

Really?

[crumbz]

Now my curiosity is piqued. WHY can't I own a Canadian? Or at least lease one for a year?

Re:Really?

[Guido del Confuso]

Try actually searching for those terms. It's the title of an essay satirizing Dr. Laura Schlessinger and Biblical literalism. Not so weird, really, in context.

This is two monumentally stupid articles I've seen from CNET UK in as many days (the other one being the power plugs article from yesterday). If Slashdot continues to post them, I think we should insist on a tag just for that site so we can filter them out.

Re:Really?

[dmmiller2k]

You can't possibly be serious. You can rent one for a day at a time if you can find an available one. But, the best I've ever heard of is a 1-week timeshare, but you'll never get the week you want.

Re:Really?

[johnlcallaway]

The "Why can't I own a Canadian" is a wonderful essay that slams using religious texts for moral arguments by using parts of the bible people don't quote to justify slavery, stoning, and killing. As part of the essay, it uses Old Testament text that seems to justify owning slaves as long as they are not from your own country. As for the peroxide search, it's a treatment for getting wax out of your ear, although I don't know if it works or not.

I was in Chennai several years ago and noticed no one was in the water other than wading. My friend told me most Indians don't know how to swim. I figured it was probably because they don't have the same infrastructure in place as the US in teaching swimming. Maybe someone from India can shed some additional light on that and solve that mystery.

Just another worthless piece from what passes for news these days. Maybe someday reporters will get away from their desks and actually go out and report on news.

Re:Really?

[Ender Wiggin 77]

Because we make great pets.

Re:Really?

[Enderandrew]

There are those who suggest that many of the early books in the Old Testament aren't exactly God's commandments to his followers, but rather a historical accounting. For instance, the Old Testament lists the kashrut laws. This does not mean that Christians must keep a kashrut diet.

The Torah has 613 Mitzvot, commandments, or laws. Yet there are 10 commandments directly attributed to God. If you read the Old Testament, you'll see that there is a story arc in which God goes from having simple commandments and dealing directly with his people, to his people intentionally seperating themselves, wanting to establish government, establish a complex priesthood, and then develop these complex laws.

I don't think it is far to say that the Mitzvot constitute Biblical law in any true sense.

That means fundamentalists who want to come down on gays suddenly don't have much in the way of Biblical evidence to support themselves, but it also means those that want to mock Judeo-Christian beliefs can't uphold the silliness contained within the 613 Mitzvot either.

Re:Really?

[Anonymous Coward]

But the Old Testament was nullified by the New Testament - similar to how European nations' sovereignty has been nullified by the Treaty of Lisbon.

From the New Testament:

"Christians who are slaves should give their masters full respect so that the name of God and his teaching will not be shamed. If your master is a Christian, that is no excuse for being disrespectful. You should work all the harder because you are helping another believer by your efforts. Teach these truths, Timothy, and encourage everyone to obey them." (1 Timothy 6:1-2 NLT)

Re:Really?

[pluther]

Yes.

That's kind of the entire point of that article.

It was a response to people using that same section of the bible to justify their modern day opposition to the rights of gays.

Re:Really?

[MeatBag PussRocket]

peroxide in the ear is a common treatment for ear infections, ingrown hairs, cuts and ear infections. it can also be used to flush out foreign bodies like the small stones that children like to shove in them

Re:Really?

[MyLongNickName]

Except that this is not justification for slavery. It is simply teaching folks to do the best that they can in the circumstances that they find themselves. The writer understood that this is not a perfect world, but that as followers of Christ we are to be the best example we can be.

Re:Really?

[CannonballHead]

I should read the article.

Hopefully it does not simply say "the Bible is wrong about this, so why use it for that?" as - whether true or not - that misses the "out of context" point.

People that believe the Bible still very, very, very frequently take it out of context and simply use it as proof of their own ideas. "proof-texting." Finding texts to prove your idea instead of finding the idea the text is giving...

Re:Really?

[click2005]

Can you put peroxide in your ear?

Yes, unless its frozen.

Why would a pregnancy test be negative?

Because you're male

Why can't I own a Canadian?

You can until the ACTA comes into effect. From then, you must license your Canadian.

Re:Really?

[box4831]

common treatment for ear infections, ingrown hairs, cuts and ear infections.

Does it cure redundancy too?

Re:Really?

[jdoverholt]

If your master is a Christian [...]

This might imply that it's acceptable for Christians to have slaves.

Re:Really?

[Richy_T]

Well, some of us do have two ears.

Re:Really?

[Artifakt]

Quoting just the part that is advice to the slave with a Christian master simply doesn't give a very full picture, unless you include the parts that are advice to the masters themselves:

How about Ephesians 6:9 "And masters, do the same things to them, and give up threatening, knowing that both their Master and yours is in heaven, and there is no partiality with Him. "

Or the People's New Testament commentary on Ephesians:

6:9 "And ye masters. The Roman law allowed masters to treat their slaves as brute beasts, to abuse and even to murder them. But Christianity at once put Christian masters under restraint. Do the same things unto them. Act on the same principles towards them, that the Lord requires of them towards you. There must be mutual good will and mutual service. Forbearing threatening. The habit of cruel masters. Knowing that your Master also is in heaven. That you have a Master who sees you, to whom your slave is just as dear as you are, and who will hold you to account if you wrong him."

or

Colossians 4:1 ( New International Version) "Masters, provide your slaves with what is right and fair, because you know that you also have a Master in heaven."
(ISV) puts this as "Masters, treat your slaves justly and fairly, because you know that you also have a Master in heaven."

It's disappointing to many that the New Testament doesn't explicitly say "Free all your slaves". It's hard to reconcile with the idea that the whole book is the word of God as some Christians claim. Personally, I regard books such as Timothy, or Paul's letters to the churches at Ephesus and others, as principally man-made texts, but that doesn't rule out a touch of Divine inspiration, in the sense that these people started getting the idea that slavery was wrong, and thinking about how to do right instead. Since the early church mostly believed that the second coming was likely to happen at any moment, worrying about how (or whether) to clean up the whole institution of slavery didn't mean as much as how to act for the immediate term and the individual case.

Re:Really?

[bmajik]

That means fundamentalists who want to come down on gays suddenly don't have much in the way of Biblical evidence to support themselves

Half true, half false.

Christians don't have the authority to "come down" on _anyone_.

However, there are several places in the new testament where male adulterousness, male homosexuality, and at least one spot where female homosexuality are discussed and condemned, either by Paul or Jesus.

A quick search for "new testament homosexuality" will let you read about a variety of interpretations of a variety of new testament passages.

Naturally two groups of people can read the same text, both claim to be experts in translating the original written language, and come to different conclusions.

The question of the sinfulness of homosexuality is important not because it grants or revokes a license to stone gay people, but because if it is infact sinful, those who continue to willfully sin without repentance are condemned by God. There are other more practical and earthly ramifications: those who wilfully sin and refuse to repent are not fit for membership (much less leadership) in the church body.

Re:Really?

[caluml]

/*
* Old Testament
* Class for suppressing ignorant people.
* Implements AngryGod
*/
@Deprecated
public OldTestament implements AngryGod {
.....

Re:Really?

[lessthan]

Sorry, but Paul tended to be down on rights for people who weren't him. He is the one that wrote those famous bits about how a woman needs to be subservient to her husband Eph 5:22-24 What he had to say about homosexuality Rom 1:27 I can't find anything on incest, but then I'm at work and I am sure I don't want to find anything.

Re:Really?

[tibman]

I was camping once during a nice summer weekend.. no chance of rain so i just slept on the ground. Early morning something was crawling on my face (happens a lot) so i swiped it off and was planning on going back to sleep. It was a little black beetle and i startled him badly apparently because he decided to find refuge in my ear.

You can imagine my surprise.. my surprise deepened into worry when i realized my finger could not get him out and he was still burrowing (or whatever it is beetles do). After a few minutes it really really started to hurt and i could hear the beetle screaming or something.. it was beyond loud. I tried not to panic and re-packed what little i had to GTFO of the woods. Made it maybe a half mile and could barely jog in a straight line. Stashed my pack and kept going. He stopped screaming and burrowing and the pain was down to a throb (but still quite intense). Blood was coming out of the ear and i couldn't hear anymore.

Anyways, finally got back to base and the hospital. They flushed my ear with a pinkish fluid and a large syringe type thing, just like you described. Of course they had to bring every freaking doctor and nurse in the hospital down to see the guy with a beetle in his ear. Not that i really cared at that point, giggling doctors is nothing compared to a beetle inside your head. After a dozen or so high pressure blasts and the little guy (and some of his legs) came out. What a relief!

Re:Really?

[im_thatoneguy]

Some of us received more than 12 years of religious education more rigorous than many college degrees on the subject and have PhD theologians for parents and friends.

Don't bother confusing us with smoke screens and non-sequiturs. The bible fully endorses the practice of slavery and makes little to no attempt to dismantle the institution.

A God which can inspire circumcision surely could also find means of persuading his followers to abandon slavery.

It was clearly never a priority since we have no record of Jesus explicitly telling his followers not to enslave others.

Re:Really?

[bmajik]

Agreed. It certainly doesn't further the goals of the (Christian) church or the work of (the Christian) God when the _state_ uses compulsion to extract religiously compliant behavior.

If God wanted people to be forced to act a certain way, he would just shoot them with lightning all the time. And when the stupid Isralites long ago kept clammoring for a King to rule over them, God tried to talk them out of it.

God is a libertarian that wants people to voluntarily be socialists :)

'Can I put peroxide in my ear?'

[EvanED]

Why is the peroxide question that stupid? The only thing I can think of is that the person probably meant 'hydrogen peroxide', and then I think it's a pretty reasonable question.

Re:'Can I put peroxide in my ear?'

[nine-times]

I agree. Hydrogren peroxide is a common home remedy for ear-aches and wax buildup. It seems reasonable (and even smart) for someone, upon receiving advice to put hydrogen peroxide in his ears, to plug it into Google to see if it's actually a good idea.

I also don't think "Why would a pregnancy test be negative?" is that crazy a question. Yes, there's the obvious answer (you're not pregnant), but one might assume the intention of the question is "Are there reasons why a pregnancy test would be negative even if the woman were pregnant?" Pregnancy tests aren't 100% accurate, after all, so someone might have just wanted to know what factors might throw one off.

In fact, most of the questions in this article are pretty valid questions that I can understand a person wanting the answer to. "Am I going into labor?" Well it's not necessarily immediately obvious, and there's even such a thing as "false labor". "Why would a married man cheat?" It's a valid question, and I bet there are interesting scientific studies that try to address the question.

At least wasn't responsible for

[idontgno]

"How is babby formed?"

Re:At least wasn't responsible for

[Anonymous Coward]

They need to do way instain mother

Peroxide

[gauauu]

Can you put peroxide in your ear?

Why is this disturbing? Pouring peroxide in your ear bubbles like crazy (and feels rather nice), and supposedly helps remove built-up ear wax. But some sources say it does more harm (drying and/or irritating the ear) than good.

Either way, it's about as disturbing as asking whether I can put a Q-tip in my ear.

Re:Peroxide

[Enahs]

I do this on occasion. It's been beneficial, imho. Stupid author is stupid.

Why can't I own Canadians?

[Anonymous Coward]

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

Re:Why can't I own Canadians?

[jimbobborg]

Because Canada is the 51st state. Not to mention America's hat.

Re:Why can't I own Canadians?

[Phrogman]

No no, the US is Canada's couch

Re:Why can't I own Canadians?

[BarryJacobsen]

No no, the US is Canada's crotch

Fixed that for you.

Re:Why can't I own Canadians?

[kimvette]

The concept of "slavery" that the Israelites practiced was similar to indentured servitude in early US history; not similar to the slavery the Israelites endured in Egypt or africans endured here in America. If you read leviticus all the way through you'll find that the "slaves"[sic] are to be set free and all debts released after a period of time (7 years IIRC), and also, every 50 years (the year of jubilee) all land should be returned to their original owners (so in effect land wasn't sold, but rather, leased).

So yes, you can have indentured servants (termed slaves in leviticus) but NOT slavery in terms of the horrible American slavery.

Having said that, you can't really enslave Canadians. After all, Canadians aren't really people! *kidding, obviously*

Re:Why can't I own Canadians?

[ElectricTurtle]

That makes sense, since we're all such big dicks.

Re:Why can't I own Canadians?

[j4s0n]

It takes balls to admit that...

Obligatory George Carlin Quote

[kidblast]

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

Personal anecdote

[Estanislao Mart�nez]

I once many years ago went to Google HQ to interview for a part-time job. In the lobby, right above the receptionist's desk, they had a big scrolling LCD thingy that shows actual searches that have been sent to the search engine.

The list was censored so that nothing NSFW would pop up, of course, but it was far from perfect. So me and my friend got treated to a good one: "voir les culottes de filles."

'Owning A Canadian' refers to a joke

[The_AV8R]

A radio personality named Dr. Laura Schlessinger, an orthodox jew, once said on her show that homosexuality was an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and could not be condoned under any circumstance. "Why Can't I Own A Canadian is the title of the letter in response to her comments.

Wow. just. wow.

[idontgno]

(No, not World of Warcraft.)

I just tried the little experiment in TFA with the phrase "What are..."

Google's #1 suggestion: "...these strawberries doing on my nipples I need them for the fruit salad"

I boggle. I boggle at google.

There's an amazing untold story there. I hope it stays that way.

Re:Wow. just. wow.

[Rary]

There's an amazing untold story there. I hope it stays that way.

Sorry.

Re:Wow. just. wow.

[captjc]

"Why "

My favorites are: "why is my poop green", "why did I get married", and "why is there a dead pakistani on my couch"

Re:Wow. just. wow.

[choongiri]

Speaking of untold stories:

"I like"...

...to tape my thumbs to my hands to see what it would be like to be a dinosaur

WTF?

Many of these questions are legitimate

[ShooterNeo]

Many of the "inane" questions in the article illustrate the stupidity of the journalist who wrote the article. Most of these questions are legitimate, with a legitimate answer.

Some examples :
Can you put peroxide in your ear?

Actually, you can use it to remove earwax and to disinfect your ear if you went swimming in dirty water. It's a perfectly safe, legitimate use.

Am I going in labour?

Actually, other pains can be mistaken for labor, and it takes hours to develop in many women. Perhaps you're a woman, and you want to know if that abdominal pain was your first contraction or just a GI problem.

Am I having a heart attack?

Again, it's possible to mistake heartburn and cracked ribs for a heart attack. Maybe you should see what the symptoms are before you blow $300 at the Emergency Room.

Why can't black people swim? Why can't white people dance? Both must be stereotypical behaviors, and maybe there is a reason why it can seem like both are true.

Can you drink your own urine?

Again, a legitimate question. In a desperate situation, drinking your own urine may extend your survival under some environmental conditions. It's commonly mentioned in media.

Why would a pregnancy test be negative?

Yes, it's possible to get a negative test and be pregnant.

Can two women make a baby?

Yes, it's possible with newly developed technology to create sperm from stem cells. However, it has never been demonstrated in humans and may be quite unsafe.

My own contribution:

[Anonymous Coward]

Me:
what is the

Google:
date today
meaning of life
population of Canada
name of bo and luke dukes 69 dodge charger in the tv series the dukes of hazzard
population of the world
sum of days in a week months in a year hours in a day
largest city in canada
canadian dollar worth
best laptop
capital of california

I don't know how their system works, but I don't think it's based on actual searches that people have done. I mean, how many people who google for the name of the Dukes' car would actually type a full sentence like that?

Another one I just tried:

Me:
what's worse than
Google:
a pile of dead babies

Comment removed

[account_deleted]

Comment removed based on user account deletion

Re:I entered

[idontgno]

That's proof that Google understands the distinction between fact and fiction (let alone blatant impossibility).

Why you can't pown one...

[SuperKendall]

Because they got sk1ll5, and you are a n00b.

Re:let's not forget drunk & silly people

[Arancaytar]

No, they meant this satirical open letter.

This one is the worst

[Explodicle]

We typed: 'Am I going...'
Google suggests: '...into labour?'
Answer: There's an easy and reliable way to test. Is there a brand-new human poking out of your lower body? If yes, then congratulations, you're going into labour. More accurately, you're already in it.

I'm amazed that these guys make fun of a question, act like wiseasses who know the answer, yet did not read the results of the search! The early stages of labor can start DAYS before birth, and false labor is very common.

Disturbing Search Requests

[John Jorsett]

One of the sites I like to look at from time to time is a blog of webmasters who post some of the more bizarre search requests that have led people to their sites. A recent one: "masturbate with armor all". http://www.disturbingsearchrequests.com/

Yes. Really.

[dazedNconfuzed]

I own a Canadian. Cost me everything I have, and everything I ever will have. Worth every penny.

However, independent observers may conclude she owns me. ...sorry, gotta run, being paged...